New Robot Mechanism Allows Players to Control Wii Games without Moving

Redmond, WA – Nintendo’s revolutionary Wii system is still sold out in many stores across the country, nearly two years after its immensely successful launch. What is so unique about the console is its motion sensing control system and focus on physical interactivity.

These properties have broadened the appeal of the Wii, introducing many non-gamers to the world of video games. Nintendo’s new console has also seen widespread application in nursing facilities, physical therapy, and injury rehabilitation.

Despite the positive reception, many gamers were concerned. The question that seemed be on everybody’s was, “What about the lazy gamers?”

Nintendo has responded to the needs of lazy, inactive consumers with a new system peripheral device; the Robotic Analogous Person Emulator.

Nintendo has playfully dubbed the unit, WiiFat. The innovative peripheral allows players to interact with the Wii without having to move at all. WiiFat comes with a traditional video game controller which is used to control the movements of the robot, which uses the Wii controls to manipulate software.

“It’s great, it really makes you feel like you’re playing a regular video game,” noted one excited fan. “There’s a slight delay in response, but it’s worth it to not have to get up and do things.”

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Local Man Has 4:1 Odds to Beat Gambling Addiction

Davenport, IA- Carl Brenditz has taken the first step toward recovery; admitting he has a problem. He then called his bookie to place a bet against himself.

Benditz has been battling a gambling addiction for three years, ever since he moved to Davenport. Davenport is one of the “Quad-Cities” a group of four cities which form a singular metropolitan area; giving residents easy access to three different riverboat casinos.

Mr. Brenditz’s bookie, who preferred to remain anonymous, thought the odds were fair.

“I’ve seen Carl go through a lot of stuff because of his addiction, I think he’ll really try to make it,” claimed the bookmaker. “I don’t think he’s going to throw it just to get the money. He’s an addict not a liar.”

Brenditz says that he will have to take it, one day at a time. He has told members of his gambling anonymous group that if it doesn’t work out this time, he’ll just have to take double or nothing and try again.

Members of his group say they have faith in his will power, but think that he’s taking the wrong approach.

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Microsoft Ceases Production of Gramophone 360 Accessory

Another Casualty of the Next-Gen Media War

Bellevue, WA- The battle for media format supremacy is over and Sony’s Blu-ray technology is the winner. This news comes as a blow to consumers who backed the innovations of other competing companies, such as Microsoft.

Fierce competition between Microsoft and Sony over media format was largely due to the release of the seventh generation of home video game consoles. Microsoft’s entry being the Xbox 360 and Sony’s being the third iteration of the Playstation console, the PS3.

Sony’s bid for media format was the, now industry standard, Blu-ray format. Microsoft decided to offer two organic formats; the HD-DVD and the Gramophone 360.

“The Gramophone seemed like a no-brainer,” said Michael York, a Microsoft executive. “People love music, and this thing is amazing.”

The Gramophone was invented in 1877 by Thomas Alva Edison. It was the first device capable of recording and playing audio data.

“We think it was just a matter of marketing,” claimed York. “We second guessed our first instinct; to release the accessory before it was adequately tested, in order to get a jump on the market.”

The Gramophone 360 was an accessory which could be connected to the Xbox 360 console. It could be used to play low fidelity music from a disc, similar to a vinyl record.
Despite its appeal, it could not compete with the high definition Blu-ray video disc. As a result, many consumers, who purchased the hardware, are stuck with an obsolete peripheral.

Sony has dominated the media format arena before with the Sony/Phillips developed Compact Disc and the revolutionary Betamax.

Undaunted by the defeat, Microsoft has hinted at plans to release a Laser disc peripheral, for their console, later this year.

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Minister Rolls -2 to Eulogy for Gary Gygax

Pastor John Waler admitted to his nervousness in performing the service for the late “Dungeons and Dragons” co-creator, Gary Gygax.

“Some of my parishioners had mentioned that he was a man of notable fame,” Said Pastor John. I was not familiar with “Diamonds and Dragons” so I had to hurry and gather information, or risk looking like a fool in front of his fans and family.”

After co-creation of the legendary role playing game, Gygax had been prolific creating other RPGs and board games, as well as popping his head in and out of any place where his name was mentioned. He was a fairly regular fixture at various gaming events. Gygax had been in poor health for quite some time.

Personally naïve on the subject, I spoke with our “Nerds-and-Virgins” columnist, he had this to say;

“Gary Gygax? You’re seriously asking me who Gary Gygax is. What in the hell were you doing in high school? I mean, where have you been since 1974? You are such a dork. Whatever, he was one of the coolest guys ever. I met him once, and he signed my Monster Manual.” It was cryptic.

Fortunately for Pastor John, there were members of his flock who were willing to fill him in on the subject. (Unlike some spiteful, elitist, employees here.) Standing before the mourners, he showed confidence and pretended that he knew Gary…unsuccessfully.

“He was never afraid to help a fellow elf, or troll up to a task with Dee-twelve charisma. Gary’s stats were all four dee six, as I am sure those of you who knew him can attest. He once said to me, ‘Pastor Dave, we all have a little dagger and dragon inside us’. He was right, just as it says in the book of Matthew…” In an inexplicably strange effort, Pastor Waler wore pointed plastic ears, and what seemed to be some sort of cape as he delivered these words.

After the service, the mourners quietly mocked the Minister and headed home to battle their own trolls and unicorns, or whatever those kind of people do.

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