Microsoft’s New Outlook Aztec Calendar Receives Mixed Reviews

Redmond, WA – Struggling to keep up with the ever-changing personal data management market, Microsoft has released a new and innovative function of its Outlook system.

“We think customers are really going to appreciate the unique update to our software,” said Ellen Peterson, a PR representative from the tech giant. The new function, reportedly, replaces Outlook’s Calendar function with a visually appealing digital version of the ancient Aztec calendar.

The Calendar function of Microsoft Outlook is a popular utility designed to help users organize their schedule.

“I’m a little confused,” noted Brian Rogers, an investment banker. “I had a meeting at nine a.m. on Crocodile. At least that’s what I thought, turns out my meeting was actually on Jaguar. My boss was really mad. I almost lost my job. We had to reschedule for ten thirty on Wind. Hopefully I’ll be able to make that one. It’s the Vista Sundial Widget all over again.”

“Consumers seemed to really like Apple’s flippy touch-n-swipe interface on the iPhone,” explained Peterson. “Our research suggests that people want new and funky applications. We think it’s going to change the way people see archaic, circular, Mesoamerican tools for tracking the predictable movement of celestial bodies; also personal data management.”

The calendar was created and used by the pre-Columbian peoples of central Mexico.

“I think it’s great,” stated Peter Zenega, an artist and self-proclaimed hipster. “It’s the perfect utility for anyone who wants to have a wacky way to inaccurately keep track of their engagements. Sure, there are a ton of free, user friendly, applications on the web that are much more effective than Outlook, but hey, it’s cool to use this kind of outdated technology.”

“I’m f***ing done,” said Rogers. “I open it every morning and try to look at my appointments. All I get is a bunch of stupid faces sticking out their tongues. What in the hell is that? I gave up my blackberry for this sh**.”

Only time will tell if the calendar will catch on, but Microsoft is optimistic.

“This is what people want,” asserted a vehement Peterson. “We believe that within the next five years, everyone in America, no the WORLD, will be walking around with a Windows Pocket A.C.” (Short for Aztec Calendar)

There have been rumors that Microsoft is working on the design for an Aztec Zune music player, which uses advanced primitive stone rotating technology to produce brilliant, crisp music.

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Fed To Consumers: Damn, You Look Good!

Washington, D.C. – “Wow, really, just…wow,” said Federal Reserve Board Chairman Ben Bernanke to American consumers in a Tuesday morning press release. “Have you been working out? Cause it shows.”

Analysts are suggesting that this particular press release was intended to combat the ongoing problem of low consumer confidence. Declining confidence has been indicated as the driving force behind the current economic slump. The Reserve board is hoping reassuring words will provide some solace.

“I just don’t know if I feel comfortable going out and parading my wallet around,” explained Consumer. “I just don’t think anyone is going to take the bait.”

This seems to be the overall sentiment when it comes to spending in these awkward economic times. But the fed has some words that might quell these fears.

“They would be lucky to have you,” read the press release. “I know you’ve had some bad experiences, but those retailers were jerks. They weren’t right for you and didn’t appreciate how wonderful you actually are. Who knows, you might go out there today and find a nice bank that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.”

A representative of the Federal Reserve board was quick to elaborate on the statement.

“Consumers just keep second guessing themselves,” she said. “We need to encourage confidence any way we can, at every turn. And by the way, nice ass.”

Experts were initially skeptical about how effective the transparent move would be.

“We don’t just want these empty, shallow compliments,” noted financial analyst Bill McPhee, moments after the statement was made. “As a country, we need something more. Something concrete.”

When asked to comment today, McPhee seemed to have more faith in the Fed.

“I think it’s going to work,” he said. “I met with a Reserve Board rep and they addressed my concerns. She said I was smart and very astute for making such keen observations. She also noticed my new haircut and asked if I’d been working on my abs. I haven’t, but it’s nice to hear. I really think if anyone can fix the economy, it’s these guys.”

The press release concluded with the following passage, which has many feeling better already.

“I saw your ex last weekend and he/she was sooo jealous. You look super hot. You know what would really kill him/her? If they saw you in that new sports car you’ve been wanting. Yeah, you’re way too hot to be driving that old thing. God, I wish I could look as good as you, Consumer.”

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Email Inbox Eagerly Refreshed

Gallup, New Mexico – It began early yesterday morning. Joel Arment, a local office manager, booted up his work computer. It wasn’t long before he signed in and opened his email account. What he would see next was disappointing.

 “Okay, I sent out two emails right before I left work yesterday,” he said. “I don’t understand why I didn’t get a reply yet.”

 Reportedly, Arment sent two emails marked “Urgent” at 8:45 pm, shortly before he left work. As of 6:30 am yesterday morning he had received no reply. The first of the two messages was in regards to a Craigslist posting offering two used couch cushions for twenty dollars or best offer. The second was a humorous email greeting card, which he sent to a friend from college.

 “I offered fifteen dollars for those cushions,” noted Arment. “I think that was a good price for those. The seller couldn’t be serious about wanting twenty.”

 Allegedly, Arment spent nearly half an hour staring at his monitor, occasionally refreshing his inbox.

 “That card I sent to Bill, it was a riot,” mused the frustrated correspondent. “It had this big eyed cat and it said, ‘Cut down on the caffeine’. (Laughing) I guess he’s just laughing so hard; he hasn’t had time to get back to me. Or maybe he can’t find anything that funny to send back. He always said I was lame, that would really piss him off if he couldn't top my e-card.”

 Arment claims to have felt the same wide-eyed excitement every single time he clicked the refresh button.

 “Just knowing that I could get something hilarious from Bill, or an email saying that fifteen was the best offer keeps my heart pounding. It’s like, ‘this click could be the one’, you know?”

 Arment’s team explained that he spends a lot of time checking his email. Though they suspect he rarely receives any. 

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