Washington, D.C. – “Wow, really, just…wow,” said Federal Reserve Board Chairman Ben Bernanke to American consumers in a Tuesday morning press release. “Have you been working out? Cause it shows.”
Analysts are suggesting that this particular press release was intended to combat the ongoing problem of low consumer confidence. Declining confidence has been indicated as the driving force behind the current economic slump. The Reserve board is hoping reassuring words will provide some solace.
“I just don’t know if I feel comfortable going out and parading my wallet around,” explained Consumer. “I just don’t think anyone is going to take the bait.”
This seems to be the overall sentiment when it comes to spending in these awkward economic times. But the fed has some words that might quell these fears.
“They would be lucky to have you,” read the press release. “I know you’ve had some bad experiences, but those retailers were jerks. They weren’t right for you and didn’t appreciate how wonderful you actually are. Who knows, you might go out there today and find a nice bank that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.”
A representative of the Federal Reserve board was quick to elaborate on the statement.
“Consumers just keep second guessing themselves,” she said. “We need to encourage confidence any way we can, at every turn. And by the way, nice ass.”
Experts were initially skeptical about how effective the transparent move would be.
“We don’t just want these empty, shallow compliments,” noted financial analyst Bill McPhee, moments after the statement was made. “As a country, we need something more. Something concrete.”
When asked to comment today, McPhee seemed to have more faith in the Fed.
“I think it’s going to work,” he said. “I met with a Reserve Board rep and they addressed my concerns. She said I was smart and very astute for making such keen observations. She also noticed my new haircut and asked if I’d been working on my abs. I haven’t, but it’s nice to hear. I really think if anyone can fix the economy, it’s these guys.”
The press release concluded with the following passage, which has many feeling better already.
“I saw your ex last weekend and he/she was sooo jealous. You look super hot. You know what would really kill him/her? If they saw you in that new sports car you’ve been wanting. Yeah, you’re way too hot to be driving that old thing. God, I wish I could look as good as you, Consumer.”
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Fed To Consumers: Damn, You Look Good!
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Frustrated Fed: Why Don’t You Just Stimulate Yourself?
Washington, D.C. – The Federal Reserve Board is tired of issuing one stimulus after another and getting no response. The Federal government issued a massive stimulus package earlier this year, but the economy showed little interest.
After the Wall Street bailout that happened last month had little effect on the overall stimulation of the nation’s finances, the Fed has seemed more irritable than usual.
“You know, I used to feel personally responsible for this type of thing,” said Reserve Board Chairman Ben Bernanke. “But I’m starting to think that it isn’t me. I think the economy doesn’t want to be stimulated, not by us anyway.”
Many have argued that getting angry at the economy is hardly the solution to this problem, but Bernanke says it’s difficult not to be a little frustrated.
“It’s actually kind of embarrassing,” said Bernanke. “If I can’t stimulate my economy who will? And I’m not even sure I want anyone else taking care of the economy. I promised we’d work through this, but I can’t take it much longer.”
Several other officials have expressed the emotional distress caused by the current financial climate.
One prominent lawmaker issued this bitter suggestion to the economy,
“I give up, Why don’t you just stimulate yourself?”
Friday, October 17, 2008
Report Suggests That We “Just Stop The ‘Conomy”
Lawton, OK – According to an informal study done at Martin VanBuren Elementary school, the ‘conomy must be stopped. The study, conducted by Billy Dwyer, a second grader, collected data from “everybody”. Dwyer’s assistant clarified the ambiguous “everyone” by defining it as the 39 second-graders who were in attendance that day.
“I just heard so much ‘bout the ‘conomy,” stated a frustrated Dwyer. “My mom and dad said it was bad and we might have to move because of it. My dad said it’s because of those pascerds on Mall Street and the depuglicams.”
Dwyer reportedly decided to do the study as a project for the school’s annual Democracy fair.
“My teacher, Mrs. Stevens said we had to do a project about the election,” Dwyer explained. “I asked everybody what we should do about the ‘conomy. Everybody said it was dumb.”
According to the report, more than sixty percent of the children asked said that they disagreed with the ‘conomy. Assessments of the current financial situation were bleak and few understood why the federal government continued using a broken system.
Experts have said the findings are evidence of a general realization that we are in a recession. One member of Mrs. Stevens’ second grade class shared her cynical fears for the coming holiday season.
“What if Santa has a bad ‘conomy?” asked eight-year-old Sally Gibb. “Then we won’t get presents, I gotta get a new bike.”
Ms. Gibb echoed the concerns of many Americans. After all, isn't that what we're all asking, “Where’s my new bike?”
Read More......Saturday, September 20, 2008
Stock Market Rebounds after News of Oprah Bailout
Chicago, IL – The stock market saw a brief resurgence yesterday, a welcome change from recent, consistent lows. Many experts believe that this was an Oprah fueled jump in the market.
Earlier in the week, representatives from several financial institutions were invited to attend a taping of the Oprah show as members of the audience. According to reports, under each seat was a gift bag containing a bailout for each of the struggling companies.
“I see this as an opportunity to come together as a community and open our hearts to each other,” said Oprah. “These companies needed somebody, and I’ve got tons of money.”
Since news of the massive Oprah bailout plan, Wall Street has had an explosion with stock prices soaring. Sources say this could be the first step toward economic recovery.
Unfortunately, the financial institutions which received the bailouts were left with the responsibility of paying the taxes of the bailouts; which left some of them a little bitter on the subject.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
AIG Auto Loan Denied
New York, NY – The sharply declining economy isn’t just effecting the big financial lending institutions anymore. Now the little guy is getting hit where it hurts, the credit.
Our nation’s largest insurer, American International Group, is feeling the impact of several credit rating downgrades.
“We just don’t see how a loan to AIG would be repaid,” said a representative from Moody’s Investors Service. “Maybe they should see a credit counselor or something.”
The news of a failing credit rating has come at a terrible time for the insurer.
“We just applied for an auto loan,” said a puffy-eyed, despondent AIG. “The transmission just went out on the old car, we need to get a new one. We don’t know what we’ll do without a vehicle. How are we supposed to get to work? How are we supposed to feed our kids?”
Services which rate credit for companies like AIG state that they are sorry, they really are, but they just can’t do anything about it.
AIG is considering accepting an auto loan from a cut-rate high interest lender “just to make ends meet”. The insurer does understand that doing so will simply defer the financial woes, but argues, what choice do they have?
Bigfoot is a grossly misunderstood legendary creature. He is an exceptionally qualified financial analyst and writes all of our financial articles; occasionally contributing with his own editorial column, “Your Big(foot) Money”.Bigfoot has Masters degrees in economics, statistics, financial analysis, and modern dance from Harvard. He is also the author of the New York Times bestseller, “Naaargh! To Capital Gains Tax”.
Monday, August 4, 2008
GE Announces New “Problematic”
Fairfield, CT – General Electric’s stock is up this morning after a press conference held Friday. The company’s CEO, Jeff Immelt, told a crowd of hundreds about a new product that could change the face of GE.
The product he announced will be called the GE Problematic and it promises to revolutionize the industry.
“It’s been many years since we’ve been able to announce a product which can only be called problematic,” said Immelt. “My advice to the consumer would be ‘Brace yourself for a problematic future.”
A crowd of excited industry professionals crammed into the small conference area to observe the problematic action. General Electric claims that this product will offer a problematic touch to a consumer’s entire life.
Executives at GE are hoping that the problematic will help recoup the losses suffered from last year’s “Crap-o-lux” system.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Insurance Claims Reveal Iowans Wealthiest People in America
Cedar Rapids, IA – According to information gathered from the insurance claims of victims of the recent Iowa floods, Iowa residents are the richest, most decadent citizens in the entire country.
The data suggests that over 90% of the flood victims lost flat screen, plasma or LCD televisions forty-two inches or larger. No less than half of the victims reportedly lost their European made luxury cars. In some cases, the flood was so destructive; families lost entire floors of their houses.
The damaged property vanished completely, without a trace; a testament to the incredible force of the flood.
The accumulated value of the property lost equals nearly two-hundred billion dollars, an astronomical value.
Several dozen families claimed losing the world’s largest diamond, causing a dispute concerning which family’s diamond was actually the largest. One tragic insurance claim reported a family of four losing the oil fields of Saudi Arabia.
Claims adjusters called it “heartbreaking”. One claims adjuster, couldn’t hold back the tears as he recalled the case of one family having lost their solid gold Grandma.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Fed Chairman Indicted on Sherman Antitrust Violation Charges
Washington, D.C. – Just two months after taking office as the Chairman of the Federal Reserve Board, Rich Uncle Pennybags has been charged with violating the United States’ oldest antitrust law.
Since the announcement of Pennybag’s succession of Bernanke, on March 25 2008, partisan politics have threatened to be his undoing. The Chairman addressed a crowd after taking office, only to be met with shouts of derision. Shouts accused him of being decadent and labeled him as a “fat cat”. These criticisms continued, despite Pennybag’s personal investments in American economic interests.
On Tuesday morning, as business in the Nation’s capitol opened for the day, critics saw the first step toward, what they consider justice. Federal agents arrested Pennybags on charges of conspiracy to form a trust and conspiracy to monopolize.
The Chairman allegedly purchased controlling portions of all four railroads and was gradually acquiring interests in the utilities as well.
“I have been accused of crimes of which I was only recently made aware,” explained Pennybags in his last public address as Chairman. “I thought ownership of property was part of what it meant to be American. How else am I expected to bankrupt my opponents?”
Critics claim that the measure isn’t enough, saying that his wealth and power offer him a proverbial “get out of jail free” card. Pennybags has argued that the “Go directly to jail” mentality denies him the constitutional right to due process.
Sources suggest that Pennybags has already liquidated a fair portion of his assets, making his net worth difficult to assess. Among various hotel interests, the Chairman has reportedly sold off his pewter car, a massive pewter top hat, and his beloved Scottish terrier; also made of pewter.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Special Edition: Fed Threatens To Turn This Economy Around, “Right Now!”
For several months now, the Fed has been threatening to take drastic measures to “turn this economy around”. Americans knew they were empty threats, and refused to heed the warnings. Now more actions have been taken, but skeptic onlookers believe that the board hasn’t made a drastic enough display; suggesting that it’s just too little, too late.
Bill Meyer, Chief Investment Officer with BigTrade Inc., stated,
“If they (the Fed) want to get any substantial results, they have to make a dramatic example. Make a threat and stick with it. It’s the only way to get any respect. The way they keep going soft when it’s time for action, pretty soon the public is just going to walk all over them.”
Interest rate cuts and economic stimulus plans have made very little progress and the board is hoping that this will be the last empty threat they have to make.
“We’re fed up! We just wanted to have a good time, enjoy the company of the American people and they just have to keep pushing it.” said a representative of the Federal Reserve Board “This is the last straw, we mean it, if you don’t sit down, be quiet and be nice to each other, we will turn this economy around right now! We don’t want to have to do it, but you leave us no choice.”
Only time will tell if Americans are willing to comply.