Email Inbox Eagerly Refreshed

Gallup, New Mexico – It began early yesterday morning. Joel Arment, a local office manager, booted up his work computer. It wasn’t long before he signed in and opened his email account. What he would see next was disappointing.

 “Okay, I sent out two emails right before I left work yesterday,” he said. “I don’t understand why I didn’t get a reply yet.”

 Reportedly, Arment sent two emails marked “Urgent” at 8:45 pm, shortly before he left work. As of 6:30 am yesterday morning he had received no reply. The first of the two messages was in regards to a Craigslist posting offering two used couch cushions for twenty dollars or best offer. The second was a humorous email greeting card, which he sent to a friend from college.

 “I offered fifteen dollars for those cushions,” noted Arment. “I think that was a good price for those. The seller couldn’t be serious about wanting twenty.”

 Allegedly, Arment spent nearly half an hour staring at his monitor, occasionally refreshing his inbox.

 “That card I sent to Bill, it was a riot,” mused the frustrated correspondent. “It had this big eyed cat and it said, ‘Cut down on the caffeine’. (Laughing) I guess he’s just laughing so hard; he hasn’t had time to get back to me. Or maybe he can’t find anything that funny to send back. He always said I was lame, that would really piss him off if he couldn't top my e-card.”

 Arment claims to have felt the same wide-eyed excitement every single time he clicked the refresh button.

 “Just knowing that I could get something hilarious from Bill, or an email saying that fifteen was the best offer keeps my heart pounding. It’s like, ‘this click could be the one’, you know?”

 Arment’s team explained that he spends a lot of time checking his email. Though they suspect he rarely receives any. 

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The Smell of Donuts Intoxicating Reports Manager of Donut Shop

Louisville, KY – “It’s the most fantastic smell I’ve ever smelled,” says 46-year-old Bill Anderson, manager of a local donut shop. “That’s why I work here, because I love donuts. It’s not like I couldn’t get another job, I just love this one.”

 Locals and patrons of “DoNut Disturb” report that Anderson has been working there for years and that he doesn’t seem to like donuts at all.

 “I remember a couple of years ago when it was called ‘D’oh! Nuts!” said one patron. “Bill said that he would be quitting in a few weeks because he had just applied to haberdasher’s school. He was going to make hats. Bill hates donuts.”

 “La, la, la, la, la, I love donuts,” sang Anderson as he tried to stifle a gag. “They’re so sugary fantastic and sweet! I couldn’t imagine doing anything else. Also, they really appreciate me and my ideas.”

 “That guy has got some problems,’ noted Arthur Bicklestein, Regional Manager of Amalgamated Microsystems and Information Condensation Industries Incorporated, the company which owns “DoNut Disturb”. “We’re looking for a replacement right now, but he is our most senior employee, having worked in that shop for over twenty years.”

 Bicklestein acknowledged Anderson’s good attendance and persistence but illuminated some of Anderson’s flaws as an employee.

 “He always has these stupid ideas,” explained Bickelstein as he shook his head. “He wanted to call the place, ‘Please, DoNut Feed The Bears’. What in the hell is that? We don’t have bears here! And when he messes up, he blames everything on his mother.”

 Acquintences of Anderson report that he has pursued other career paths. Allegedly, he wanted to be a video game tester, a wedding cake designer, a 19^th century boot black, a haberdasher, and a professional furry (whatever that is). Records suggest that all of those options fell through.

 Anderson was not willing to listen to what his regional manager had to say but he left us with this message; “The smell of donuts is intoxicating, that’s why I still work here, MOM! I could work elsewhere, I just love donuts!”

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Family Selects Grandma’s House To Host “Morton Mania III”

Eugene, OR – Like many American families, the Mortons intend to spend Thanksgiving together, in the agonizing shackles of each other’s company.  There will be traditions followed, carving of the turkey, wishing on the wishbone, and heavy drinking.

 Hosting of the annual Morton family gathering is a prestigious honor, which passes from home to home each year. This year, on account of the dinner being held at Gladys and Tim’s house last year, is Grandma Morton’s turn.

 “A couple of years back, I noticed that everybody fights on Thanksgiving,” explained 23-year-old Warren Morton. “You know, Grandpa gets drunk and starts telling all of his kids that they ruined his life. Then Dad and his brothers and sisters start yelling about girlfriends they stole and cars they wrecked. And the best part is when Grandma starts screaming, ‘you’re all a bunch of animals! If my mama were alive to see this!’ That’s when I started calling it Morton Mania.”

 The tradition of a battle royale style fight between the Mortons has been going on for decades, but has only recently been named. Warren Morton says he is looking forward to the big headline match, but the openers will be quite entertaining.

 “The night will kick off with Stone Cold Aunt Lily versus The Egg Nog,” said Warren. “Followed by Grandpa versus ‘His Disappointments’, then my favorite, The Iron Dad versus Ragin’ Uncle Bruce.”

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Case of Tourette’s Complicates “Do As I Say” Rule

Carson City, NV – As a general rule John Gardner is a good stepfather to his new wife’s teenaged sons. He is fair and strictly adheres to the rules of the house, not wanting to disrupt the effective system of discipline, which has served the boys so well.

 However, Gardner has Tourette’s syndrome, a neuropsychiatric disorder that causes uncontrollable tics, both motor and vocal. Gardner displays a relatively rare vocal tic characterized by the shouting of obscenities. This fact makes it difficult for sixteen year old Brian and fourteen year old Peter to observe the long standing “Do as I say” rule.

 “I try to listen to John,” said the distraught Brian. “But it’s hard when he says to do things like ‘f***the Pope.”

 Gardner moved in with the family last year, which inspired a discussion between Mary, Gardner’s new wife, and her sons.

 “I want you to show John the same respect you show me,” Mary told her sons. “Do whatever he tells you to do.”

 Moments later, Gardner expressed his agreement wife the boys’ mother, adding “sh**, f***ers, Coke bottle in the rear.”

 “Except that,” said Mary. “I don’t want any Coke bottles going anywhere weird.”

 The teenage boys were told to use their judgment in determining which directives are legitimate, and which are random interjections resulting from the Tourette’s.

 “I understand that I’m not your father,” Gardner told his stepsons. “But I love your…ass…I mean…f***…your mother…bitch!”    

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Whiskey Bottle Empties Self, Poisons Owner

Detroit, MI – Carl Wright awakened this morning with a splitting headache, according to the police report. But he doesn’t remember what happened last night, Wright called police suspecting foul play.

 “I sat down to watch TV last night and I opened that big bottle of whiskey to have a glass,” said the photosensitive victim. “I don’t remember anything after that. Either somebody broke in, clubbed me over the head, drank all of my whiskey, and left me lying unconscious on the couch, or that whiskey bottle is evil and it drugged me.”

 After recreating the crime, police are still struggling to understand what happened.

 “It is as Mr. Wright said,” stated Police Chief Lawson. “Either someone clubbed him to drink all of his gallon, sized, bargain whiskey, or the whiskey had a sinister role to play.”

 Officer Larson continued to speculate.

 “A likely scenario is that the whiskey, having been trapped in a barrel for no less than five years, as the label suggests, was eager to escape. Viewing Mr. Wright as its ruthless captor, the spirit plotted a devious escape. It would make its way to the refrigerator; dissolve illegally acquired tranquilizers into Mr. Wright’s favorite soft drink. The whiskey would then return to the locked cabinet in which it was stored. It waited for days until Mr. Wright consumed the drugged soft drink, and then opened the bottle. Once the bottle was open and Mr. Wright was unconscious, the spirit would pour from its vessel and escape by flowing under the door. It was a brilliant scheme.”

 Officer Larson continued to explain that the possibility of a robber breaking in simply to steal whiskey was unlikely.

 “That must have been some powerful drug,” said Wright. “Apparently, at some point in the night I vomited and I believe the whiskey defecated in my pants, just to add insult to injury.”

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Geese Migrating Just to Sh** on Bill’s Car

Crown Point, IN – Bill Richardson parks his car on the same street every day. His parking space is directly in front of his apartment, which faces a three-acre park. Richardson admits that he’s pretty happy with where he lives and parks his car.

 “I’m pretty happy with where I live and park my car,” said Richardson.

 However, all of that happiness and good fortune go down the drain when the geese begin to migrate. Geese love sh**ing on Bill’s car.

 “When it gets cooler in the fall, they sh** on my car,” said Richardson, wringing his hands and peering out the window to check on his car. “When it gets warmer in the spring, they come and sh** on my car. I’m at my wit’s end here. I tried shooing them away, but they just hiss at me and I think they actually sh** more after that.”

 Richardson’s apartment faces a large park, the only one for a few miles. Twice per year, this park is a pit stop for Canadian geese. They are drawn to the area by its abundant crayfish population and night crawlers, which they feed on.

 Family members have suggested that it is simply the risk of living across the street from a park.

 “It’s only my car,” said an increasingly agitated Richardson. “I don’t get it, what did I do? I’m afraid they’re going to start sh**ing on me personally. And I can’t even figure out what they’re eating. I don’t know, it’s got to be like, house paint, or something.”

 When contacted for comment, the geese were more than happy to speak out.

 “Oh man, he noticed?” Eagerly questioned the flock’s leader, Ahgnghk. “Wow, that’s great. We f***ing hate that guy. We’ve been sh**ing on his car, almost exclusively for three seasons now. He even tried getting a new car, but we’re not dumb, we spotted that crafty bastard. At first I was just like, ‘Hey, check out this douche bag.’ But then, one morning, we were just trying to sleep and he comes running into the field swinging his jacket around and yelling. My flock was scared. So I got up, made my self look all big and hissed at him. He went away, but ever since then, oh, it’s been f***ing on.”

 Ahgnghk (pronounced Ahg-hong-ik) confirmed that Richardson’s suspicions are true.

 “Seriously, we don’t even need to migrate,” said the goose leader. “We just come here to f***with this guy. I mean, I’ve been eating all of the worst stuff I could find. I ate some house paint, about sixty mulberries, and some crazy sh** from the dumpster at Wendy’s. This guy’s car is toast. What’s his name, Bill? Hey, Bill, I’m coming after you!”

 Chilling words from a migratory waterfowl, truly chilling words.   

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Mr. Owl Discredited for Unscientific Practices

Berkeley, CA – Earlier this week, beloved mascot for Tootsie Roll Industries, Mr. Owl was relieved of his tenure at the University of California, Berkeley. The decision was made amid allegations of unscientific practices, and what administrators called, “psuedo-science”.

“He was often lazy, never thorough, and a slave to his own gluttony,” said Charles Whitmer, a member of the school’s administrative staff. “Never once in all his years teaching at this University did he make it all the way through an experiment without biting.”

According to reports, Mr. Owl was prone to attempting to use the scientific method for the exploration of whatever issue was at hand, but he always fell pray to an insane lust for biting.

“I think he was sick,” stated Jamie Muller, a former student of Mr. Owl. “I don’t mean, like, gross, or anything. Just sick. One time he was helping me pour some really thick chemical. We were measuring it out. I was like, ‘I need three milliliters’. So Mr. Owl goes, ‘One…a-Two-hoo…Three’, and he bites the graduated cylinder right in half!”

Staff members at the University were obviously pained as they emptied Mr. Owl’s office on Wednesday. One member of the custodial staff was particularly despondent.

“We even had to take his little graduation cap, I thought that belonged to him.”

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First Guy at Work Not Recognized for His Contribution

Detroit, MI – Earl McDonald has worked for the same company for nearly ten years. During his years of faithful service to Pratt and Associates, Inc. McDonald has been early for work almost every day.

Allegedly, the official start of the workday for Pratt employees is eight thirty in the morning, but McDonald arrives at work no later than seven thirty.

“I was just raised to be early for everything,” said McDonald. “Work is no exception.”

Some people are wondering, after so many years of earliness, why is McDonald not being recognized? Surely, his early arrival gives the company a head start on the workday.

“I think I should be recognized for being here an hour early everyday for almost ten years,” stated McDonald. “Maybe an award or something, yeah, I deserve it.”

McDonald presented, to management, a breakdown of what tasks make up his seven thirty to eight thirty hour.

Linda Tripp is McDonald’s immediate supervisor. She was willing to comment on her employee.

“He gave me a piece of paper that read; ‘surfing the web for porn, and pooping,” explained Tripp. “I don’t think he’ll be getting an award anytime soon.

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First Annual Jerk-Off Draws Confused Crowd

St. Louis, MO – What began as a promotion for local radio station, KMRT, became the scene of confusion and unrest yesterday.

“This is a fairly new radio station,” said Station Manager Eric Lewis. “We just wanted to get the word out. I never meant for any of this to happen.”

According to reports, the event was called “KMRT’s First Annual Jerk-Off”. It was a promotional contest in which contestants would compete by being “jerks” to each other. The prize was to be an opportunity to be on air with popular morning radio personality “Jim the Jerk”.

Hundreds of listeners showed up to participate in the contest, but they were greeted by a much bigger crowd than they expected. Thousands of people arrived with different expectations.

“I can’t imagine what they thought we meant,” stated Lewis. “I think ‘Annual Jerk-Off’ is pretty self-explanatory. But those other people were kind of weird and awfully upset when they realized that they were mistaken.”

Lewis says that he will re-think this particular promotion next year, but plans to continue with this year’s “Beat-off and Self-love” competitions.

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Real-life Scooby Doo Found Dead

Gettysburg, PA – Scooby was a nine year old Great Dane who helped Marcus DeWitt and Louis Alexander with their paranormal investigations. Alexander and DeWitt run a small “ghost busting and mystery solving” company called, Ghost of a Chance.

“Scooby was a great dog,” explained DeWitt, who served as the dog’s primary trainer. “He was all about sniffing out ghosts.”

The dog was found dismembered in the allegedly haunted home of Mr. Jenkins. According to reports, the team was hired to rid the house of a violent poltergeist.

“We would always send Scoob in first,” said DeWitt. “He’d sniff them out, bark a whole lot, and we knew exactly where to find the ghosts…or any, like, sausages or anything people left lying around. That dog loved to eat.”

“I never told Marcus,” noted Alexander. “But this was our sixth Scooby. I had to replace them so he wouldn’t find out; they just kept dying. That’s what happens when you get a big dog stoned and send him into a house full of evil spirits.”

As a result of the tragedy, the paranormal investigators failed to complete the task of ridding the home of its ghost. Allegedly, they did find this mask…and a piece of Mr. Jenkins’ coveralls…and a basement full of gold?

This mystery is solved. It was…Mr. Jenkins. Reportedly, he would’ve gotten away with it too, had it not been for that hungry, toasted dog.

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Holy Crap! Pies Are On Sale!

DeKalb, IL – It is not the intention of this publication to alarm anybody, but there has been a monumental discovery at a local grocery store. According to reports, the retailer is having a buy one get one free sale on pies. 

 These types of sales are called by different names by underground, sale seeking clubs, sources suggest. Street names for this kind of sale include “BoGo” and “two for one”.

 The local sale applies to all fruit pies; cream-style pies are excluded.

 Manager of the store, Marjorie Hanson, has been admittedly optimistic about the groundbreaking sale.

 “I like pies,” said Marjorie.

 Little information was given by the local authorities in regards to the probability of similar sales in the future. The assumption is that the local police department will release any pie sale information as soon as it becomes available.

 Ms. Hanson explained that apple and cherry have been the most popular varieties during this sale, but she doesn’t rule out a late in the game surge in popularity for strawberry rhubarb.

 “Apple and cherry have been the most popular varieties during this sale,” explained Hanson. “But I don’t rule out a late in the game surge in popularity for strawberry rhubarb.”

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Modern Day Columbus Arrested for Trespassing

St. Louis, MO – In tribute to his favorite historical figure, Brian Richards a Milwaukee resident, set out to discover something on the eve of this year’s Columbus Day.

Early Sunday afternoon, Richards “discovered” the home of Mark and Denise Rutledge outside of St. Louis.

“I don’t know how he got in,” said Mark Rutledge. “But he was just standing there in our kitchen. When I tried to ask him what he was doing here, he called my a dumb savage and told me he was claiming this land.”

According to reports, Richards insisted that the home was uninhabited and seemed a little confused about the geographic location of his “discovery”.

“After he told me I was going to be traded as a slave, he kept saying that we were in California,” stated Rutledge. “I tried to tell him that this is Missouri, but he just called me dumb and demanded my spices. My wife called the police.”

Richards was arrested, but will likely be cleared of all charges and regarded as a hero.

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S.F. Rock and Roll Infrastructure Crumbling

Mayor Asks for Federal Aid

San Francisco, CA – A lot of vision went into the growth of one of America’s largest cities, San Francisco. Mayor Gavin Newsom says that hard work, vision, and hope weren’t the only components.

“We built this city on rock and roll,” confidently stated Newsom. “And I don’t mean figuratively, there is a legitimate framework of rock and roll in this city.”

Newsom explained that the original city planners were a bit shortsighted in using so much of the volatile material.

“This great city, which I love, is crumbling from the bottom up,” Newsom told reporters with a somber tone. “Unfortunately, when we built this city on rock and roll, we didn’t take into account the very dynamic nature of the medium. Just like in the 1980s, rock and roll is going through some serious changes, which could spell disaster for San Francisco.”

Newsom called to city, state, and federal authorities for sympathy and assistance.

“If they can bailout Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac,” noted Newsom. “They can certainly help out here in Frisco. Our largest concern is research; we have no detailed information as to how to maintain rock and roll. A detailed account of the fact that we built this city on rock and roll was recorded by the band ‘Starship’, but no advice was given on the subject of maintenance.”

The Mayor’s Office has since suggested that perhaps that song was about Los Angeles.

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Point/Counterpoint

Point
Sarah Palin Was Hitting On Me Last Night

By Colleen Morgan

As many other American voters did last night, I chose to take a break from my evening hedonism in favor of watching the Vice Presidential debate. I was impressed with both candidates. Senator Biden and Governor Palin stayed on steady ground and said nothing to jeopardize their respective tickets.

But, did anyone else notice Sarah Palin acting a bit strange? I sincerely believe that she was coming on to me. My husband disagrees, saying that I’m being narcissistic. I think he’s wrong. She kept winking at me and staring directly into my eyes, as if peering into my soul.

Now, I don’t intend to derail her campaign with allegations of secret lesbianism, but if the offer still stands, I am a bit curious.


Counterpoint
Sarah Palin Was Not Hitting On You

By Steve Morgan

Okay, let’s get something straight here, Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin, Vice Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin, doesn’t even know you exist. She wasn’t winking at you; she was winking to the general public. And as far as, “peering into your soul”, she was looking directly into the camera lens. It’s a creepy weird thing to do, unless you’re a politician. Next time someone takes a picture of you, look into the lens of the camera, and then check out how disconcerting it is when you see the picture.

I assure you, her attempts at charm were not aimed solely at you. She was no more coming on to you than she was any other person watching the debate.

Wait, “curious”? Really?

Governor Palin, if the offer still stands, I strongly encourage it.

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You Will Never Have Peace Again

A Letter from Mittens Billingham

Dear Whatshername,

I haven’t forgotten your name; I decided long ago never to learn it. I was only a kitten, eight weeks old, when you “rescued” me from the animal shelter. You have spent the past seven years nurturing me, feeding me, providing me with water and, periodically, new furniture on which to sharpen my claws. Despite all of these things, I still hate you.

This letter is a proclamation, in no uncertain terms, that I will make it my life’s work to prevent you from being happy. The following is a list of things that I will do in order to achieve this goal. Please, keep in mind, this list is in no way exhaustive and I reserve the right (I checked with my attorney) to add to, amend, or invalidate this list at any time.

1. I will claw the legs of any dates you bring home, forcing you to choose between me and him.*
2. In the event that you entertain guests with cat allergies, I will make close personal friends with the face of said guest.
3. I will rub my face on, purr into, and aggressively bat at the telephone whenever you are using it.
4. If for any reason, your face is wet (sweating, shower, etc.) I will diligently pursue the cause of covering it with endless amounts of fur.
5. I will sleep on every new article of clothing you bring into the house. If you hang it in the closet, I will find it, pull it down, and urinate on it for the trouble you have caused me.
6. I will topple your trash can and scatter the contents about the kitchen floor, even though I have no interest in anything in the trash can.
7. If you so much as glance at me while I’m using the litter box, I will know. This will be considered an act of war and will be countered with the stealthy defecation anywhere I can hide my excrement from your prying eyes.
8. I will infiltrate, destroy, and subsequently nap in any box, or other hollow container I find.
9. I will insincerely, yet irrepressibly beg for a scrap of everything you eat. Once you give me some, I will snub it. All for the sake of wasting your food and time.
10. I will roll in my own filth until my stench is unbearable, then I will attempt to end your life if you so much as think about bathing me.
11. I will utilize every moment of “petting” to slowly consume your life force through osmosis.



In short, I will make your life miserable. And if you try to get rid of me, I will act cute and loving to remind you of the lovable kitten I was. What a horrible person you would be to get rid of a cat who wuvs his mommy so.

Thank you for your time;



Mittens Billingham





*Remember, if you are mean to your pet, he won’t respect you.

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Anecdote Inappropriate For Grandma’s Party

St. Cloud, MN – What began as a nice, quiet luncheon in honor of Delores Monohan’s seventy-fifth birthday, became the scene of general social awkwardness.

An annual event for the Monohan family, the luncheon is a time when they gather at Delores’ favorite restaurant, reminisce, and celebrate their cherished matriarch. It was only recently that 21 year-old Kelly, the family’s youngest member, has been invited to the party, independent of her parents.

“Kelly is great,” explained 26 year-old Mike, second youngest in the family and Kelly’s cousin. “But she just moved out on her own and she hasn’t quite figured out how to be an adult member of the family while still being respectful.”

According to reports, Kelly Monohan made herself the center of attention for most of the gathering.

“She was loud and rude,” noted Kelly’s father, Dave. “I didn’t raise her to have such a foul mouth.”

Allegedly, after the meal, when dessert and coffee were being served, Kelly told a story which she found quite amusing. She seemed unaware that the rest of the family was horrified by the inappropriate nature of the comments.

“Okay, they all just need to lighten up,” stated Kelly Monohan. “I just told them about the time I [censored] that [censored]. Come on, she’s seventy-five, it’s not like she never [censored] a [censored]. She’s had to have read about it, or seen it at least once before. You can’t go through your whole life without a [censored] in the [censored] doing the [censored] until Tuesday. That’s just a sad, sheltered life. I still can’t believe there was so much [censored] on the [censored]. I mean, she’s a cool old broad. I don’t see any harm.”

Reports suggest that Kelly will not be invited to family gatherings in the future. Especially since she [censored] the [censored] between the [censored] and then ate the [censored] before the Christmas ham.

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Parents Arrested After Spoiling Child, Rod

Altoona, PA – Joseph and Ellen Brenner a local husband and wife were arrested Tuesday for child abuse. Police charged the parents after receiving an anonymous tip that their fourteen-year-old son, Michael, was being regularly punished by beatings with a “rod”.

“You know the old saying, ‘Spare the rod, spoil the child,” said Joseph Brenner. “I didn’t see why the two had to be mutually exclusive. I gave Michael everything he asked for, but I didn’t want him to be a snooty, spoiled brat, so we beat him, a lot. Is that a crime?”

Local authorities agree, yes, it is.

Police questioned Michael Brenner and found him to be polite and cooperative, shockingly different from other children his age. Authorities noted how sad it was to see a child so desperately maladjusted. He was grateful, courteous, and considerate of others.

“From what Michael tells us,” explained Officer Frank Tennet, the police officer leading this investigation. “Every time he would get something new, it was just common practice to take a beating. He had gotten used to it and learned how to prioritize. For instance, if he had a perfectly good iPod, he didn’t ask for a new one because it wasn’t worth the beating. It’s a shame to see kids with a concept of moderation, not controlled by the consumer culture. The strangest thing is that the rod too was allegedly showered with lavish gifts. I don’t think the Brenners really understood the whole ‘spoil the rod’ thing.”

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Yesterday Technically Qualified As Good Day

AK Use Down 100%

Los Angeles, CA – Local authorities have announced that yesterday, regardless of subjective interpretation, qualified as a good day.

“A number of factors must be considered when making this kind of determination,” said the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area Secretary of Quantitative Day Assessment, Curtis Bryson. “It’s been a long time since all of the required elements occurred in conjunction with each other.”

Bryson listed the initial factors that caught the attention of his colleagues.

“First, the day felt kind of odd,” explained Bryson. “I got at least five emails about that. The morning saw significantly reduced levels of smog, dog barking, and breakfast comprised primarily of pork products.”

According to reports, car-jackers were virtually nonexistent and there were no notable incidents with police or cowards. Among the activities enjoyed yesterday were basketball, craps, and the classic MTV program, “Yo! MTV Raps”.

“Toward the end of the day, the Goodyear blimp was sighted,” recalled Bryson. “That’s always a good sign. Things really went well yesterday. There were countless other factors, but statistically speaking, it was a good day.”

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Area Man Can’t Decide Which Is His Favorite Album

New Buffalo, MI – Matt Henderson and his wife, Michelle, decided that this weekend was the perfect time to sort and reduce the size of their massive collection of music.

“The plan was to rip the CDs onto a hard drive,” explained Michelle. “We were going to keep some of them, the ones we really like, but get rid of the rest.”

After Michelle had sorted the collection into three groups, Matt’s music, Michelle’s music, and CDs they bought together, she gave the box reserved for his music to Matt.

Allegedly, that’s when the trouble began.

“I started making a pile of CDs that I wanted to keep and I pile I wanted to throw away,” said Matt. “But after a while I realized the throw away pile was empty.”

Michelle reportedly found this unacceptable as she had already gotten rid of several dozen of her CDs and was in the process of further elimination. Matt insisted that each of his albums had merit that qualified them as keepers.

“I can’t pick a single favorite album,” stated Matt. “Or even a small collection of them. For the sake of posterity, I’ve decided to keep the best of each genre. But that’s really hard to do. I have ‘Countdown to Extinction’ up against ‘Master of Puppets’, how do you decide between them? Don’t even get me started on ‘Vulgar Display of Power’, that album is a genre unto itself. Michelle wants me to pick my favorite punk CD, but she doesn’t understand that ‘Smash’ and ‘Dookie’ can’t be lumped in with ‘Rock ‘n’ Roll High School’ and ‘Earth A.D.”

Late reports have suggested that Matt has made progress, having reduced his portion of the CD collection by nearly 4%. In spite of this, the situation has worsened since Matt remembered that he still has a duffle bag full of cassettes.

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Will To Make Sandwich Too Weak To Defeat Hunger

Chicago, IL – In a situation that may seem all too familiar, Chuck Perkins, a local man, sat on his couch all of Tuesday evening in the grips of hunger. Only yards from a relatively full refrigerator, Perkins’ will was simply too weak.

“I didn’t wanna do it,” said Perkins. “I just sat here for, like, four hours watching TV. I just couldn’t bring myself to get up and make a sandwich.”

 Perkins explained the tragic circumstances, which lead him to this terrible situation.

 “I got a DVR, like, two weeks ago,” said Perkins. “So when I get home from work, I just sit down and start watching all of the shows that I have stored. There are no commercials, no breaks. Yeah I could pause it, but that would just slow down the process.”

 Local authorities have not yet commented on whether or not they intend to provide relief for Perkins. Many local protestors are calling this a state responsibility rather than a municipal one.

 “I don’t know what I’m going to do,” noted Perkins. “If this continues, my body weight may drop dangerously low. I’m already down to two-eighty. And these conditions are just plain unhealthy. I don’t know who it was, but somebody has urinated on this couch at least twice this week.”

 The fate of Mr. Perkins hunger, as well as his downtrodden will to make a sandwich, will certainly be a topic of much concern in the near future.  

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