Obama-Fly Becomes 44th President of the United States

Washington, D.C.- What has been hailed as the most historic day in American history, the Inauguration of our first black president, was plagued by an unlikely, science-fiction, mistake.

According to reports, as the President Elect Barack Obama took his historic oath of office, he began to metamorphose into a half man-half fly being. The horrified crowd looked on, helplessly, as he repeated the phrase “So help me god”, solidifying his acceptance of the office.

 “Well, the new President seems to have a fly head,” stated Paul Allen, a schoolteacher from Portland, Oregon. “But at least he’s not Bush.”

Many were confused about the cause of the appalling transformation, and hopeful that it was not a sign of things to come. Experts offered some insight.

“It seems that a common, ordinary housefly landed on the Lincoln Bible at the exact moment of the inauguration,” explained Dr. Seth Brundle, a brilliant, but eccentric scientist. “The Oath of Office could not differentiate between Mr. Obama’s and the fly’s DNA. The result was a synthesis of the two creating, what I call, Obama-fly.”

 Just a few short hours after the change, people close to the President reported him being stronger and more nimble than before. President Obama insists that the change will not affect his policy, or the goals he intends to reach while in office.

 “Yes, I have a fly head, bzzzbzzz,” said President Obama. “But I am this country’s forty-fourth President, and I will bzzbzz execute this office to the best of my abilities.”

 Sources reported President Obama behaving normally aside from the fact that he requested a plate full of sugar at the traditional inaugural brunch, proclaiming to the other guests, “This is how Obama-Fly eats.” 

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President Bush Declares “Cooperating Too Hard”, Embarks On Seven-Week Nap

Washington, D.C. – After the election of Barack Obama as the United States’ forty-fourth President, the incumbent President George Bush promised complete cooperation with the transfer of power. President Bush cited this “peaceful exchange of power” as being a hallmark of this nation’s great democracy and made a big deal about his willingness to cooperate.

 Many people may have noticed that his cooperation is not a big deal, as every single American President, except the ones who were assassinated and Richard M. Nixon, gave nothing but their full cooperation.

 Two weeks after making his promise to do as he is expected and get the hell out of the next President’s house, Bush is losing steam.

 “Hey, this is pretty hard,” Bush told an aid. “Can I stop cooperating now?”

 White House aids have been split in their reaction. Some of them note that this is the most the President has had to do during his entire administration and sympathize with the sleepy Commander in Chief. Others have taken what they call the “don’t let the door hit you” approach and begun to ignore him entirely.

 “I’m sleepy,” said the President. “I didn’t have anybody to show me around the White House when I took over.”

 Aids reminded him that he did, in fact receive similar cooperation from his predecessor, Bill Clinton, and that he didn’t try to make a big deal out of it.

 “Muunh! I don’t wanna do it anymore,” Bush began to pout. “I’m going to my comfy office.”

 From what aids report, the “comfy office” to which he referred is his bedroom, where he spent a large part of his administration. From getting security briefings, to planning strategic military actions, to meeting foreign dignitaries, he did it all from his bed, in the comfort of his Presidential jammy-jams. Reportedly, he was hoping that this transition would be no different.

 “The President is really out of his element,” said a top White House aid. “He hasn’t had to do any cooperating, ever. During his first term, Secretary [Colin] Powell did all of the cooperating. Then when he left, there just wasn’t any. The usually clowns and magic shows aren’t working, he’s really upset.”

 “Hey guys,” said President Bush to his staff. “I’m just gonna go to sleep for a little while. Wake me up for that coronation thing, or whatever it’s called. You know, the thing where I make that new guy in charge.”

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IRS Going Out of Business

Washington, D.C. – The financial crisis seems to be affecting businesses, individuals, and organizations across the board. National electronics chain Circuit City has recently announced being in financial trouble, and the ambiguous house wares dealer Linens-n-Things will be closing its doors in the near future.

 Unfortunately, the damage doesn’t stop with second-rate retail chains. Today, the Internal Revenue Service announced that they would be going out of business. Nobody knows exactly how to feel about it.

 “We never wanted it to come to this,” said Benjamin Sherman, Assistant to the Director of the IRS. “Things just didn’t go the way we expected.”

 Reportedly, the IRS has approached the federal government for assistance, only to be turned down. Lawmakers argue that this isn’t a mess for which the American taxpayers should be held responsible.

 “If we go out of business,” passionately explained an agitated Sherman. “There won’t be any tax money! We are the revenue stream for the entire country! Re-Ve-Nue Service! Why are people so stupid?”

 According to reports, the IRS is taking measures to minimize the loss. They have announced a going out of business sale at which taxpayer IDs and vital taxpayer information will be sold at bargain prices. 

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Final Popular Vote Actually Went to George W. Bush

Washington, D.C. – A full week after the November 4^th general election, the last of the ballots have finally been counted.  Shockingly, a large number of them were for the incumbent President George W. Bush.

 “We were a little surprised as most people know that no President may serve more than two terms,” said elections official Craig Bartollo. “It seemed strange that so many people would vote for him despite his having no chance at victory.”

 Unlike in the 2000 election, the cryptically pro-Bush votes were not concentrated in one pivotal state; they were evenly distributed across the nation. There was such a saturation of these votes that, this time anyway, President Bush won the popular vote.

 “It was truly amazing,” stated Bartollo. “The total number of people who voted was upwards of one hundred and twenty-two million. Apparently, fifty-five million of those people voted for George Bush.  If you add that to the number of people who voted for President elect Obama and Senator McCain, you get approximately one hundred and seventy-seven million people. That just isn’t possible. Somebody is cheating, I don’t now who, but I have my suspicions.”

 Taking this information into account, experts are retracting allegations that President Bush’s previous victories were somehow unfairly won.

 “If he won by this kind of margin this time, when he couldn’t even take office for a third term, then maybe he won fair and square the other two times,” said Nathan Greybeck, a political analyst. “I used to think that somehow, he rigged the first two, but he’s obviously got some support.”

 Members of the Bush Administration are declining to comment on the strange outpouring of support for the incumbent. This massive number of votes comes during a time when George W. Bush is the least popular President in American history. A recent Gallop Poll shows that the voting public has more confidence in Checkers Nixon than George W. Bush, and would vote for the dog if that fictional election were to take place, despite Checkers being dead.

 When questioned about the votes, the President simply laughed nervously and said, “oops.”

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30% Of Americans Lost in “His Eyes”

Chicago, IL – A recent poll of ten million Americans reveals a girlish infatuation with President Elect, Barack Obama.

According to the poll, nearly thirty percent of the participants have been distracted from the tumultuous state of events in the world and lulled into a sense of comforted awe by the Obama.

“No, no, I’m totally…um, I’m sorry what was I saying? (Sighs) It’s really great,” stated Bank Manager Paul Giacono. “You were asking me if I was-- I’m just really happy right now.”

American Statistics Analysis Inc. (ASA Inc.) is the Chicago based company that conducted the poll. The company was, allegedly, very careful to select a broad spectrum of participants to avoid excessive demographic concentration.

“We tried very hard to poll as diverse a group as possible,” said Jim Winthrop, Executive Vice President of ASA Inc. “We polled Obama supporters, McCain supporters, women, men, gay, straight, Mormon, Jewish, midget, you name it. They all seemed to be distracted by images of the President Elect on newspapers, buses, t-shirts, tattoos, and the like.”

Among the questions asked was a particularly pointed question about the current national economic collapse. Few people seemed concerned, responding with concise answers such as “Dreamy”, hysterical giggling, and comforted sighs.

No one can truly say what the future will hold, but…um…wow, I think everything is going to be okay.

*Special thanks to the Chicago Sun-Times for providing such a hypnotic photo.

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Nation Gripped By Boredom After particularly Uneventful Tuesday

Cleveland, OH – This morning began like many other Wednesday mornings. Across the country, Americans woke up, went to work or school, did what they do every other Wednesday morning.

 The difference? Nothing, nothing at all. Things are exactly the same as they were on Monday. In fact, many experts believe that yesterday may have been the beginning of the most boring period in American history.

 Charles Barker, a ninety-two year old man, who lives just outside Cleveland, has seen many uneventful days in his time.

 “I’ve seen some boring days,” said a nostalgic Barker as his hands moved furiously. “This might be the worst. I started using a loom, oh, about fifty years ago.” Barker weaves on his loom as he speaks, not missing a beat. “Sometimes, on boring days, like today, you need to keep away the boredom. You’ve got to have a hobby, like loom.”

 With the recent economic trouble and political tensions, around the world, experts are suggesting that boredom may reach record highs.

 Sally Walbarton sits on her porch deeply engrossed in a pile of tiny seashells. Walbarton is sixty-five.

 “I like to find the tiniest ones I can,” Walbarton is barely aware that she’s addressing anyone. “I remember picking through shells during the most boring times in this nation’s history, the sixties for example.”

 Nobody seems to know how we will get out of this rut. Experts agree on one thing though; nothing especially out of the ordinary has happened since yesterday morning. 

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Satirist Has Better Things to Do than Entertain You, It’s Election Day

Chicago, IL – It’s finally here, November 4^th, Election Day. Today is possibly the most historic Election Day in American history. Voters will either be sending the first black man or the first woman into the White House. Also, if elected, John McCain would be the crustiest old white guy ever elected to the office.

Voter turn out is expected to reach an all time high today as those lazy procrastinators who didn’t already vote cram themselves into long lines to get to their local polling places. Many local law enforcement agencies expect the crowds, irritating lines, and pushy, obnoxious election workers to be the cause of some discontent. Though, near most major cities, the police are trying to hide the fact that they have ramped up their forces in anticipation of, what they call, “bat-shit craziness”.

In downtown Chicago, this evening, the Democratic Presidential Candidate, Barack Obama, will be holding an election night celebration. Not to make this too personal, but I will be there, take that. Sorry, I’m just very excited.

It’s possible, that the other guy, McCrain, will be having some kind of party as well, but that hasn’t been announced. Nor does anyone care. After all, an evening of prunes, Jimmy Buffet, and going to bed early is hardly a party.

It is not the intention of this publication to seem biased in any way, but we have more important things to do today, it’s freakin’ Election Day.

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Early Voter Makes Mockery of Self, Democracy

Louisville, KY – Chuck McHenry, a young voter, might just as well have stayed home this year. Having turned nineteen earlier this year, this was the first general election in which McHenry could vote.

 According to disappointed friends and family, McHenry took the initiative and went to vote early. More than thirty states have authorized early voting in this general election.

 “We expect the voter turnout this year to be huge,” said Mike Connelly, a volunteer at a Louisville area early voting site. “Mostly because of the historic nature of this election.”

 Despite that historic nature, McHenry thought his vote would be put to best use amusing himself.

 “Dave Matthews rocks,” shouted McHenry as he hopped out of his local polling place. “Now if, like, a bunch of other people vote for him, he could be president or something.”

 Allegedly, McHenry indicated popular musician Dave Matthews as write in candidate for President.

 “I don’t think Chuck should be allowed to vote, or listen to music,” stated Sharon McHenry, Chuck’s older sister. “I don’t even think he knows why this election is important.”

 Chuck McHenry defends his selection.

 “I don’t like either of the guys running for president,” argued an indignant McHenry. “They just want the same crap. I think they’re both lying. Now, we have a chance to have somebody like Dave Matthews in there. Dave Matthews.”

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Godzilla Announces Support For Obama

Endorsement Sends Tokyo Residents Into City-Wide Panic

Tokyo, Japan – Godzilla, King of the Monsters, has announced support for Democratic Presidential Candidate Barack Obama. The endorsement, which comes only days before the election, is being hailed by the Obama campaign as a welcome vote of confidence.

Godzilla has been a Republican as long as he has been registered to vote and argues that this isn’t a change of party, simply a change of ideals. A representative of the 120-story-tall-nuclear-powered-mutant dinosaur, told reporters that though both candidates promise change, Obama is the only one who proposes change Godzilla can agree with.

The announcement was made shortly after Godzilla dramatically rose from the sea and rampaged ominously into the center of Tokyo. Residents of Japan’s largest city began running, screaming through the streets. Currently, Monkey-breath.com has no Japanese-speaking correspondent, but some concepts transcend language. Even Tokyo residents are swept up into the political fervor that is gripping the United States.

Many Republicans vehemently opposed the validity of the celebrity endorsement, alleging that Godzilla’s opinion is irrelevant, as he cannot vote in the U.S. being a citizen of Japan.

“Godzilla is not a citizen of Japan,” stated Guy Yoroshiku, Head of Public Relations for Godzilla. “His parents were dinosaurs, born on the land that is now North America, Godzilla was born on that same land.”

Does this make Godzilla an American citizen? The courts say no, but that’s not the whole
story, says Yoroshiku.

“My employer was in suspended animation for sixty-five million years, at the bottom of the ocean,” explains the passionate PR representative. “He was both awakened and transformed by a nuclear bomb launched from the U.S. Because of this, the U.S. Supreme Court Decided in the benchmark “Monster Island v. The United States” case of 1958, that Monster Island was an American territory, giving Godzilla the right to vote. Also, due to sheer mass, he controls nine electoral votes.”

As the colossal voter barreled through the Tokyo streets declaring his support for the Illinois Senator, citizens of Tokyo were moved by his political enthusiasm. Many decided to shriek and sprint ahead of him, presumably clearing the way for global change.

Others were not so permissive. The Japanese military hurried to attack the giant constituent; some are saying the act was an unspoken endorsement of Obama’s opponent, Arizona Senator John McCain.

When asked to comment on the endorsement, the McCain campaign offered a cryptic statement.

“We’ve already got several monsters backing the Republican Party."

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MB Has Brush With Greatness, Writing Presidential Acceptance Speeches

Washington, D.C. – Our Editor-in-Chief, Mr. Jackass is a man of many talents. He is an accomplished writer, having made his name preparing speeches for public officials. Of course, he can’t use his real name, or it would jeopardize the public opinion of his various enterprises. He writes speeches under the name Donald Drake.

In an effort to bridge the partisan gap, both presidential candidates chose to approach the same writer to prepare their respective acceptance speeches. They called Mr. Drake. After a meeting with each candidate, taking some notes, and getting an idea for what each of them wanted to say to the public, he began to craft a series of potential addresses for submission.

The following are a sampling of the speeches he prepared. The selection was made to ensure the most comprehensive cross-section of what Mr. Drake wrote.

Speech for McCain:

“My friends, I would like to thank you for electing me to lead this great nation. I’d like to congratulate that one on getting this far. I really didn’t think he would make it. But he surprised me, and took second place; also known as first loser. But I’m in charge now and once my seventy-three year old ticker goes out, Sarah will be in charge and God help, I mean bless, us all.

Speech for Obama:

“Look, um, thank you. I’m so proud to be given this opportunity to help move our great nation into the future. I’d like to thank my wife, Michelle, God, Senator Biden, and everyone else who has been so vital to this campaign. I’d like to congratulate Senator McCain for a battle well fought. Oh, and this time, he didn’t get captured.”

Speech for McCain:

“My fellow Americans, friends, Joe the Plumber, you’ve made a good choice. I’m a maverick. I don’t care what you want, you put me in charge, and I’m gonna do whatever I want. That’s what maverick means! I just go all willy-nilly and do whatever strikes my fancy.”

Speech for Obama:

“Thank you, thank you, it’s really an honor to be elected to this office. My opponent didn’t think it could be done. The GOP didn’t think it could be done. But we did it. There’s a black guy in da White House!”

Speech for McCain:

“You people are so freaking gullible! Ahhahahahahahahaha!” (Unveil giant terrible robot suit powered by nuclear power pants)

Speech for Obama:

(Just dance, pop and lock, or crump, or whatever it is called.)

There were dozens more written, but these were the most moderate and were strongly considered by both candidates. Inexplicably, the candidates purchased none of the speeches prepared by Mr. Drake. But he’s a trooper and will carry on.

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Presidential Debate Alienates, Confuses Bob The Builder

Hempstead, NY – Last night’s Presidential debate was the scene of more intense discussion than the previous two. Voters heard the candidates show more direct aggression toward each other, as well as, communicate more directly to the voters.

 The centerpiece of the debate seemed to be a particular voter named Joe the Plumber. Both candidates appeared to be addressing him directly, which many fear alienated the average voter.

 Though currently residing in the UK, popular children’s icon, Bob the Builder, is a registered voter in the United States.

 “Both of them were talking to this Joe the Plumber,” said Mr. Builder. “What about Bill the Electrician? What about Bob the Builder? We need considerations; tax cuts for other working class people. I, like this Joe, am defined by what I do for a living. It’s who I am”

 Many other viewers found the candidates’ statements cryptic and alienating.

 “There are all of these problems with the economy and I just wanted to hear one thing from them,” stated Builder. “Can we fix it? They didn’t answer.”

 The largest point of confusion for many members of the audience was Senator McCain’s recommendation for the construction of several “nuclear power pants”.

 “I don’t even know what nuclear power pants are,” explained Builder. “I don’t think anybody does.”

 Joe the Plumber may be an influential figure in his hometown, but it’s not unwarranted to have concerns for Bob the Builder.

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Shamu To Receive Treatment for Eating Disorder

San Diego, CA – One of Sea world’s famous orcas (many share the Shamu stage name) was admitted yesterday to a clinic for compulsive overeating. The orca’s trainer, Kimberly Pearson has agreed to accompany the killer whale.

“Her real name is Molly,” said Pearson. “And Molly has a problem. She just can’t stop eating or gaining weight. Through her primitive whale means, she can communicate with me. I understand her pain when she tells me things like ‘I’m hungry’ and ‘I want more [food].”

Reportedly, Pearson and Molly have made several attempts to control the problem themselves, to no avail.

“She’s tried the all-fish diet,” stated Pearson. “But that didn’t work. We tried the Phelps plan; where you swim all day. It’s supposed to be a good work out, but she’s just not losing weight.”

Pearson expressed a heart wrenching concern for her companion. Molly the orca weighs a shocking 9500 lbs.

“The other day I asked her how she felt about her weight,” recalled Pearson. “She just said, ‘I’m a whale’. I tried to tell her that it wasn’t true; she’s not as big as she thinks. She wouldn’t listen. I tried to tell her how beautiful she is, we just need to keep working on it.”

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O.J. Simpson Found Guilty of Pushing Luck

Las Vegas, NV – A guilty verdict was read yesterday for former NFL star O.J. Simpson. He was charged with pushing his luck, not quitting while he was ahead, and looking a gift horse in the mouth, among other things.

Simpson was acquitted in 1997 for the alleged murder of his ex-wife and her friend. The acquittal was the result of a lengthy and highly publicized trial .Many members of the media, as well as the viewing public, were of the opinion that Simpson was guilty.

Despite being cleared of the criminal charges, Simpson felt compelled to “see how far he could push this.”

In 2007 Simpson was arrested for armed robbery, kidnapping, and assault with a deadly weapon.

During the subsequent trial, Simpson was asked, by the prosecution, why he would continue to push his luck.

“You think he’d want to stay as far away from a courtroom as possible,” said a member of the prosecution. “I mean, he was lucky to get off last time, why push it?”

Members of the jury which convicted Simpson agree that he just tried to push it too far.

“I don’t care if he really did anything wrong,” noted one of the jurors. “None of us did. We just think he should be convicted on principle. If it were me, I’d stay as far away from any illegal activities as possible.”

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McCain Demands Immediate Action on Sarah Palin Bailout

Washington, D.C.- After making such a dramatic display in regards to the financial bailout bill and the subsequent, yet unrelated, passing of it through Senate, Senator John McCain is confident that he can affect change.

Since the bailout plan passed last night, in the Senate, the presidential hopeful has taken up a new cause, bailing out running mate Sarah Palin.

“My friends,” said Senator McCain in a press release. “Governor Palin is in desperate need of assistance. We cannot just sit by and do nothing; Congress needs to take action as quickly and decisively as possible. Governor Palin is in trouble, and if we allow her to fail, it will affect Main Street, Wall Street, and John McCain Street for a very long time.”

The trouble to which Senator McCain refers, presumably, is the impending Vice Presidential debate that is scheduled for this evening. Reports suggest that McCain is concerned that a debate against the Democratic V.P. candidate could remove what little credibility Palin has left.

“This is not the first time I’ve suggested something like this,” explained Senator McCain. “I’m known as a bit of a maverick in the Senate. I called for action to be taken when I wanted to save my own ass, last week. It was the partisan, hurtful politics of Senator Obama and the Democratic Party that prevented me from taking action on that front. I’m a war veteran, and a maverick. We need to take immediate action to help Governor Palin out of this difficult position, and I’m a maverick.”

Early evidence suggests that Congress will not pass any bailout for Gov. Palin. Many members of Congress are still largely uneasy with the “Automatically president if you sign this” clause that Senator McCain has worked into it.

“Oh, that’s just standard legal mumbo-jumbo,” noted McCain.

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McCain Reassures Voters With Hemispherical Record

Miami, FL- Republican presidential candidate Senator John McCain was asked by a radio station whether or not he would meet with Spanish Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero.  Rather than a simple yes or no answer, the candidate decided to quell the concerns of voters by referring to his record with leaders in “the hemisphere”.

 “We can only reasonably draw one of three conclusions from this,” stated Prof. Phil Driehaus, professor of political science at Berkeley. “Senator McCain thinks that Spain is in South America, McCain was referring to the Northern Hemisphere or, he doesn’t know what hemisphere means. No matter which of those is accurate, I can’t wait to have this guy in office.”

 Senator McCain hasn’t commented on the statement, but sources find it difficult to believe that the Senator doesn’t know where Spain is located.

 “Despite the fact that Senator McCain admits he doesn’t know much about economics,” said Prof. Driehaus. “I think he probably has a decent grasp of geography.”

 Considering that the Northern Hemisphere contains nearly 90% of the Earth’s population, it seems unlikely that this was the nature of McCain’s comment. His record with the hemisphere would hardly be definitive.

 According to experts, the most probable cause for the statement was ignorance to the definition.

  Hemisphere is defined, by the George W. Bush Dictionary of Words that are Hard for Republicans to Know as, “A word meaning roughly the same as ‘local’. ‘Natural Gas is hemispherical, I like to call it hemispherical because it can be found in our neighborhoods.”

 With such a clear definition available, it’s difficult to understand how Senator McCain could have made such a mistake. 

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McCain: “Wait, You Mean That’s Not Tina Fey?”

Grand Rapids, MI – According to reports, yesterday afternoon, a McCain aid showed the presidential candidate the, now infamous, Tina Fey Sarah Palin skit from Saturday Night Live.

 Senator McCain reportedly seemed a little confused.

 “Is that Sarah?” Questioned McCain. “When was Sarah on TV? Why wasn’t I there?”

 A long and detailed explanation was given; in which the aid stated that what Senator McCain was actually seeing was the popular comedian Tina Fey impersonating Sarah Palin.

 Allegedly, the presidential hopeful sat for a moment to collect his thoughts and suddenly sprung to his feet in outrage.

 “I thought Sarah was Tina Fey,” shouted the panicked McCain. “I thought it was just some kind of character or something. I don’t know, she’s just very popular and I don’t claim to understand what passes for humor these days.”

 Reportedly, Senator McCain stormed, distraught, from the room. As members of the campaign tried to decide what their next move would be, Senator McCain burst back into the room.

 “Oh my God,” said McCain. “Does that mean that Sarah is for real? I knew I shouldn’t have listened to you guys.”

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Coastal Cities Not Prepared For Water

Houston, TX – With the devastating power of hurricane Ike having passed through the area, many residents are working to repair the damage done by this mysterious and rare force.

It’s the same type of astonishment and confusion seen in many coastal cities during this time of year. Residents and authorities alike have difficulty coping with nature’s silent killer, water.

“You move to a coastal town and you don’t expect anything bad to happen,” said Mark Villalobos, a homeowner fighting back flood waters. “Like all of this water. My basement is flooded, my lawn, even my car is partially under water. It’s unbelievable, water, of all things.”

The sentiments are basically the same along the whole coast. People living along massive bodies of water are understandably shocked by the onslaught of the inexplicable force called water.

Louis Steadman is an emergency worker helping the relief effort.

“I grew up in California,” stated Steadman. “But I left because of the earthquakes. I moved here, to the coast, on the Gulf, because I didn’t want to deal with any major natural disasters. But here I am. Just when you think you’re safe, nature throws you a curveball and dumps water on coastal areas.”

Experts are baffled in regards to this sudden and unprovoked soaking of previously, relatively, dry land.

“It still seems quite strange that water would somehow make its way land,” explained a representative from the National Weather Service. “Despite the land’s proximity to a vast body of water, it was still drenched. It was truly unexpected.”

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Hoover Wins Miss America Pageant

September, 1952

Atlantic City, NJ – Last night, in an odd turn of events, Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, John Edgar Hoover, won this nation’s most prestigious beauty pageant. This marks the first time any man has ever participated in the Miss America Pageant.

“That’s the thing,” noted one of the Judges. “He didn’t participate at all, not in any phase of the competition. His name was simply in the envelope. I don’t even know why he was here.”

There have been allegations that the results of the pageant have somehow been tampered with, but they were quickly dismissed as the accusers vanished.

A representative from the pageant, Henry Copeland, expressed confusion with the occurrence.

“When Mr. Hoover came out onto the stage to accept his victory,” said Copeland. “He was wearing the sash from the District of Columbia. What I don’t understand is where did Margery Dawkins, the other contestant from D.C. go?”

“I don’t know what happened, but it’s nice to feel pretty sometimes,” was Hoover’s only comment of the strange event.

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McCain Blames Problems On Frost Giants

Warns U.S. of impending battle


Cedarburg, WI – Within a day of publicly accepting the presidential nomination from the Republican Party, Senator John McCain was on the road to begin his aggressive campaign.

At a public meet and greet yesterday; McCain had strong words for enemies of the United States.

“It is my opinion,” said McCain. “Based on very reliable intelligence, that our budget problems, issues with the housing market, and delayed resolution of the war in Iraq, can be directly connected to the most urgent threat of frost giants. These beings, called Jotunn, have been a powerful force against the prosperity and will of our kind for a very long time.”

The candidate went on to illustrate the many instances in which, he believes, the frost giants have committed infractions of peace and impositions on our way of life. McCain cited countless weather anomalies, including the tragic Hurricane Katrina, and acts of aggression against the U.S., such as the attacks of Sept. 11th and Pearl Harbor, as evidence of their god-like power.

“Make no mistakes, my fellow Americans,” said McCain as his tone rose to a fever pitch. “There is not a war on the horizon. We are at war already! Let this be a message to our colossal, insatiable, enemies the battle will be ours’! The coming storm will be called Ragnarok, and my opponent, Senator Obama, has no experience in war. He will not be prepared to lead you into battle. I alone have the experience and cosmic authority to lead our people to ultimate victory over the powers that threaten Midgard.”

Senator McCain urged Americans to take up the cause at home, suggesting that citizens kill anyone who appears to be a giant. He explained that anyone exceeding five foot nine inches could be a giant in disguise and should be dispatched “swiftly and without mercy”.

Viktor Mímisbrunnr is a writer for Monkey-Breath.com. He handles the supernatural, occult, and anything which cannot otherwise be explained. Viktor has a Master's Degree in something, I forget what.

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That Broad Said a Mouthful

Editorials by Joe Sixpack – Last night, I turned on my TV and saw some broad and a bunch of jerks in cowboy hats. I realized that it was Sarah Palin, giving her acceptance speech for the Republican Vice Presidential nomination.

I didn’t change the channel because, I, like many Americans, understand that this is a historic moment; also she’s not too bad looking.

 As far as the content of her speech, she said a bunch of stuff about John McCain, mostly talking about how he was a prisoner of war. I don’t see how that makes him a good candidate; it means that he got captured. I, for one, don’t want our president getting captured.

 Beside that, she talked a lot about her family. She mentioned her Eskimo husband, her mysteriously bald son, and her other kids. The cameras were trained on her youngest daughter who seemed intent on tasting the baby.

 Palin attacked the Democratic candidate and assured the Republican voters that their trust funds and bloated corporate payrolls won’t be taxed.

 Overall, I wasn’t impressed. She was dry and unemotional and chose to sink low enough to make irrelevant attacks on her opponent. But, if we don’t vote for her, we have to vote for the black guy.   

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