Parents Arrested After Spoiling Child, Rod

Altoona, PA – Joseph and Ellen Brenner a local husband and wife were arrested Tuesday for child abuse. Police charged the parents after receiving an anonymous tip that their fourteen-year-old son, Michael, was being regularly punished by beatings with a “rod”.

“You know the old saying, ‘Spare the rod, spoil the child,” said Joseph Brenner. “I didn’t see why the two had to be mutually exclusive. I gave Michael everything he asked for, but I didn’t want him to be a snooty, spoiled brat, so we beat him, a lot. Is that a crime?”

Local authorities agree, yes, it is.

Police questioned Michael Brenner and found him to be polite and cooperative, shockingly different from other children his age. Authorities noted how sad it was to see a child so desperately maladjusted. He was grateful, courteous, and considerate of others.

“From what Michael tells us,” explained Officer Frank Tennet, the police officer leading this investigation. “Every time he would get something new, it was just common practice to take a beating. He had gotten used to it and learned how to prioritize. For instance, if he had a perfectly good iPod, he didn’t ask for a new one because it wasn’t worth the beating. It’s a shame to see kids with a concept of moderation, not controlled by the consumer culture. The strangest thing is that the rod too was allegedly showered with lavish gifts. I don’t think the Brenners really understood the whole ‘spoil the rod’ thing.”