News Moved To Less Desirable Time Slot

Buffalo, NY – Local Fox affiliate, WUTV, has announced that it will be moving all of its news programming to different time slots because of poor ratings.

“We’ve tried just about everything,” said station manager, Dell Anderson. “We replaced the anchors with younger looking people, we changed the format so the anchors are always standing. It makes them look more dynamic. We even started some in fighting between anchors so there would be on-air tension. But none of it is working, ratings for the news are still low.”

Anderson believes that a new broadcasting schedule could revitalize the station.

“People who are watching the news aren’t watching it because they want to, it’s just the only thing on. Our research shows that people don’t want to watch news stories about police arresting people, or people getting shot. The want to watch violent prime time dramas and cop shows.”

Reports suggest that the evening news, which airs at 5 pm locally, will be moved to 3 pm. The morning news, which airs at 5 am locally, will be moved to 2:30 am. And the nightly news, which airs at 9 pm, will be moved to 12:45 am (to account for paid programming.

Anderson, other members of station management, and corporate executives all believe that these time slots will be better served by exciting programming.

“Everybody suggested putting on TMZ,” noted Anderson. “But that already makes up sixty percent of our programming. So, the morning news will be replaced by reruns of 24, the evening news will be replaced by a game show that we stole from the Japanese, and the nightly news will be replaced by TMZ.”

Carthag the Pernicious is a ten thousand year old being of unspeakable horror. He writes the Arts and Culture section of Monkey-Breath.com and has a movie review page on rottentomatoes.com