Area Roomate: Who Ate My F***ing Chubby Hubby?

Rockford, IL – “Alright, I want answers, you f***ing jerks,” stated Joe Crayton, a 22 year old college student at Northern Illinois University.

Reportedly, Crayton returned home from his job at a local coffee shop at approximately eleven thirty on Saturday evening. Before retiring to bed after a long workday, Crayton went to the communal freezer in the apartment he shares with two other students.

“We decided to stay in the apartment over the summer so we wouldn’t lose it, but I don’t know if I can take it anymore.” Crayton is at his wit’s end.

“I just wanted some damned ice cream,” said Crayton. “These hungry, hungry hippies I live with eat all of my f***ing food!”

Crayton described a half pint of delicious, creamy, ice cream that he had purchased and left in the freezer. Allegedly, the apartment’s standing rule is that labeled food has a strict “hand’s off” policy applied to it.

“It had peanut butter filled pretzels, a chocolate swirl, everything,” recalled Crayton. “I’d kill for some of that ice cream right now. I swear, those ass-hats are gonna get what’s coming to them. Do you have any idea how much one of those things costs?”

Crayton noted that every time his roommates go to Whole Foods, he intends to “dump their sh** out the window”.

“If I don’t get some f***ing ice cream, I will burn this apartment to the ground.”