Dick Cheney In Final Stages Of Becoming Pumpkinhead

“Keep away from Pumpkinhead,
Unless you’re tired of living…”

These are the opening lines from a poem by Ed Justin. They refer to a demon once called upon to exact revenge. The legend of Pumpkinhead tells us that when the monster accomplishes his mission, it dies. However, the one who summons the beast becomes the new Pumpkinhead, buried in a shallow grave in a pumpkin patch until called upon.
It seems like a disproportionate price to pay, but apparently Vice President Cheney was willing. Over the course of the past eight years, Mr. Cheney has been slowly changing into the unholy demon. We’ve been able to find no insight into why the Vice President so desperately needed revenge. We spoke with Dr. Lewis Jovan, an expert on the Republican Party and the Occult.
“Assuming that Mr. Cheney did summon Pumpkinhead, he has unleashed an unstoppable killing machine. As it systematically hunts and kills its victims, the Vice President would see it through the monster’s eyes. The real trouble begins when Pumpkinhead finishes the task for which it was summoned. Cheney would become aggressive and stop at nothing to get what he wants. No one would be safe; nothing would stop him from hurting his friends, killing countless others. Let’s hope that it never comes to that.”
Dr. Jovan paints a disturbing picture of a man that no one wants in office, a bloodthirsty villainous monster. I, for one, don’t want to see our Vice President with such little regard for human life, driven only by his mad lust for vengeance. That’s not what this country is all about.