CIA Agent Drunk Dials Al-Qaeda

Washington, D.C. – Allegedly, a CIA agent, whose name is being withheld for security reasons, called a number in his address book while heavily intoxicated. The number was revealed to be a direct line to Al-Qaeda. Reports suggest that the terrorist group has been screening their calls; avoiding contact with the U.S. government.

The calls were recorded in numerous voice mail messages. For the sake of journalistic integrity, we have transcribed the messages as accurately as possible.

11:45 p.m.

Agent: Hey, hey, I just hit some buttons on my phone, and it called you. I thought it was weird, so I went with it.

11:48 p.m.

Agent: Hi, I was joking last time, I called you on purpose. I miss you; we should really hang out sometime. You know, this whole “war on terror” thing, it just makes everything harder.
(Long pause)
Hey! Remember that time we got in a fight with those communists? They were not f***ing around. I totally saved your ass though. That was so awesome.

12:00 a.m.

Agent: Fine, you don’t want to answer your phone? You can go to hell!

12:06 a.m.

Agent: No, no, (incoherent mumbling). You, I want my “Vapors” tape back! I loaned you my “Vapors” tape. That tape had everything; Waiting for the Weekend, Turning Japanese.
(Begins singing “Turning Japanese” by The Vapors)
(Mumbles lyrics, begins singing “Land Down Under” by Men at Work)
What was I saying? Oh yeah, Land Down Under!

12:20 a.m.

Agent: I’m sorry, I didn’t want you to f**k off, or whatever I told you to do; you’re awesome. I’m not just saying that because—
(loud thud, rustling noises)
S**t, s**t, I dropped the phone! Don’t hang up I just dropped the phone! Is that better? I got it.
(mumbling)

12:30 a.m.

Agent: (snoring)

12:45 a.m.

Agent: Sometimes, I just think, “What am I doing with my life?” You know? What’s it all about?

1:00 a.m.

Agent: This is CNN.
(laughing)

1:02 a.m.

Agent: (crying) Why don’t you talk to me? You’re the only one I lever had. I just…

1:04 a.m.

Agent: Did I say lever? I’m such a screw up! That’s why you don’t love me.


The transcribed messages show a disturbingly relatable situation. No one within the CIA or Al-Qaeda has commented publicly on the calls. Allegedly, the CIA is a little embarrassed and hopes to not run into Al-Qaeda anytime soon; as it would be awkward at best.