Mating Ritual Has Scientists Baffled

Cambridge, MA – Scientists at MIT have expressed nothing but confusion when it comes to human mating rituals.

“We’ve tried just about every approach we can think of, but it just doesn’t work,” stated Edward Kirby, a particle physicist. “We have observed situations which result in attracting members of the opposite sex; we just can’t seem to replicate the outcome.”

Scientists report that this is an immense experiment, having an extremely broad spectrum of variables. They listed some of the elements being altered for different phases of the experiment. Locations such as dance clubs, grocery stores and gyms have been used. Other factors being controlled include key phrases used to initiate conversation, different brands of cologne and varying levels of alcohol intoxication.

“It’s frustrating. We have had largely inconclusive, disappointing results,” further explained Kirby. “Each of our mothers has assured us that we are capable of getting girls; it’s just very frustrating.”

Though the scientists admit the results aren’t reliable, they suggest that the most reasonable conclusion is that all of the test subjects were lesbians.