Gang Members Exchange Guns For Kites

Gun Violence Down 80%, Kite Violence Up 600%


Chicago, IL – Gang related violence has seen a staggering increase this year and police have been struggling to keep up.

As the weather began to change this summer, officials within the Chicago police department proposed a new program to help combat the epidemic of gun violence. The city-funded program was called “Guns for Kites” and was similar in nature to previous weapon exchange programs.

Citizens were urged to turn over firearms, no questions asked, to receive kites. The program was intended to decrease the number of fire arms on the street while simultaneously providing a means to occupy otherwise idle youth.

“The plan went off without a hitch,” stated a representative from the police department. “We collected over three hundred guns. Almost immediately, reports of gun violence began to drop, and they continue to do so.”

Critics say that the CPD assessment of things is shortsighted and over-simplified.

“Yes, gun violence is down,” explained one city council member. “But gang violence hasn’t decreased at all. In fact, fatal kite attacks have gone up by an astounding six hundred percent. Is this something we, as the government, are willing to take responsibility for? I for one, am not comfortable with putting these dangerous weapons in the hands of citizens. Kites are made with one purpose, and one purpose alone; to kill.”

According to reports, the Chicago police department has begun to outfit patrol officers with anti-kite armor. There have also been suggestions that special gang control units be issued kites as well; the city council has yet to make a decision.