Rare Affliction Strikes Binge Drinker

Arlington, VA – It’s always tragic when the unsuspecting or innocent are struck by rare, incurable illnesses. Aaron Corliss, a 22 year-old sandwich artist, woke up this morning complaining of mysterious symptoms.

“Last night was a normal night,” explained Corliss. “I left work at, like, nine-thirty. Then I went to Ryan’s house, and had a couple beers. We played some beer pong, had a beer bong or two, and between the three of us, we only had one bottle of vodka. It wasn’t anything unusual.”

Reportedly, Corliss arrived home at approximately 2 a.m. But much to his surprise, when he woke up early this morning, Corliss was feeling quite ill.

“I don’t know what it is,” stated Corliss. “I think it might be some weird, rare disease, maybe some kind of brain thing.”

Corliss’ symptoms seem to revolve around a throbbing headache, with extreme sensitivity to light and loud noises. He also reports nausea, dizziness, vomiting, dry mouth, and a feeling of overall fatigue.
Experts have yet to diagnose Corliss, but the outcome will most certainly be grim.