Nation Gripped By Boredom After particularly Uneventful Tuesday

Cleveland, OH – This morning began like many other Wednesday mornings. Across the country, Americans woke up, went to work or school, did what they do every other Wednesday morning.

 The difference? Nothing, nothing at all. Things are exactly the same as they were on Monday. In fact, many experts believe that yesterday may have been the beginning of the most boring period in American history.

 Charles Barker, a ninety-two year old man, who lives just outside Cleveland, has seen many uneventful days in his time.

 “I’ve seen some boring days,” said a nostalgic Barker as his hands moved furiously. “This might be the worst. I started using a loom, oh, about fifty years ago.” Barker weaves on his loom as he speaks, not missing a beat. “Sometimes, on boring days, like today, you need to keep away the boredom. You’ve got to have a hobby, like loom.”

 With the recent economic trouble and political tensions, around the world, experts are suggesting that boredom may reach record highs.

 Sally Walbarton sits on her porch deeply engrossed in a pile of tiny seashells. Walbarton is sixty-five.

 “I like to find the tiniest ones I can,” Walbarton is barely aware that she’s addressing anyone. “I remember picking through shells during the most boring times in this nation’s history, the sixties for example.”

 Nobody seems to know how we will get out of this rut. Experts agree on one thing though; nothing especially out of the ordinary has happened since yesterday morning. 

Read More......

Satirist Has Better Things to Do than Entertain You, It’s Election Day

Chicago, IL – It’s finally here, November 4^th, Election Day. Today is possibly the most historic Election Day in American history. Voters will either be sending the first black man or the first woman into the White House. Also, if elected, John McCain would be the crustiest old white guy ever elected to the office.

Voter turn out is expected to reach an all time high today as those lazy procrastinators who didn’t already vote cram themselves into long lines to get to their local polling places. Many local law enforcement agencies expect the crowds, irritating lines, and pushy, obnoxious election workers to be the cause of some discontent. Though, near most major cities, the police are trying to hide the fact that they have ramped up their forces in anticipation of, what they call, “bat-shit craziness”.

In downtown Chicago, this evening, the Democratic Presidential Candidate, Barack Obama, will be holding an election night celebration. Not to make this too personal, but I will be there, take that. Sorry, I’m just very excited.

It’s possible, that the other guy, McCrain, will be having some kind of party as well, but that hasn’t been announced. Nor does anyone care. After all, an evening of prunes, Jimmy Buffet, and going to bed early is hardly a party.

It is not the intention of this publication to seem biased in any way, but we have more important things to do today, it’s freakin’ Election Day.

Read More......

Early Voter Makes Mockery of Self, Democracy

Louisville, KY – Chuck McHenry, a young voter, might just as well have stayed home this year. Having turned nineteen earlier this year, this was the first general election in which McHenry could vote.

 According to disappointed friends and family, McHenry took the initiative and went to vote early. More than thirty states have authorized early voting in this general election.

 “We expect the voter turnout this year to be huge,” said Mike Connelly, a volunteer at a Louisville area early voting site. “Mostly because of the historic nature of this election.”

 Despite that historic nature, McHenry thought his vote would be put to best use amusing himself.

 “Dave Matthews rocks,” shouted McHenry as he hopped out of his local polling place. “Now if, like, a bunch of other people vote for him, he could be president or something.”

 Allegedly, McHenry indicated popular musician Dave Matthews as write in candidate for President.

 “I don’t think Chuck should be allowed to vote, or listen to music,” stated Sharon McHenry, Chuck’s older sister. “I don’t even think he knows why this election is important.”

 Chuck McHenry defends his selection.

 “I don’t like either of the guys running for president,” argued an indignant McHenry. “They just want the same crap. I think they’re both lying. Now, we have a chance to have somebody like Dave Matthews in there. Dave Matthews.”

Read More......