Saturday, August 30, 2008

CERN Extends Coverage To Uninsured Hadrons

Geneva, Switzerland – CERN is preparing for the October 2008 activation of the LHC (Large Hadron Collider), the largest and most powerful particle accelerator ever built. Preparations for the momentous occasion include cooling of the accelerator to the unbelievable temperature of 1.9 K (−271.25 °C) and a madated upgrade of the insurance policy.

The international physics community recently called for changes to be made to the minimum insurance requirements because of the LHC. The previous minimum coverage required by law was simple particle collision insurance; mandated in 1943.

“We realized that the probability of particle collision was very high,” stated Professor Fritz Klempererer, a member of the international Physics community. “Especially considering that the machine is designed with that express purpose in mind. The likelyhood that one or more of these hadrons, which will be colliding, will be illegally accelerating without insurance is too great to dismiss.”

Reportedly, in order to reduce the possible liability, uninsured hadron coverage was made part of the mandatory minimum insurance for any entity operating a large, small, or moderately sized hadron collider.

“Now,” noted Klempererer. “We can at least be sure that all hadrons are covered whether they choose to be responsible or not.”

Henry Q. Jackass is the Editor-in-Chief of He is a regular writer and contributes frequently.

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Friday, August 29, 2008

Amnesiac Pretty Sure He Remembers

Chicago, IL – Mark Albertson was struck on the head by a falling paint can full of marbles just over two weeks ago. Albertson’s doctor says that he’s made a full recovery with the exception of severe, but temporary memory loss.

“Mark has been improving so quickly,” said Janet Meeks, Albertson’s girlfriend. “The doctor says he should get his memory back soon.”

Hospital personnel, as well as Meeks, have reported that Albertson believes he is regaining his memory, “in pieces”.

“I think it was the Fourth of July,” eagerly recalled Albertson. “I was in the park. It was the weekend sometime. There were people laughing, people playing, and a man selling ice cream. Yes, I remember! He was singing Greek songs. No, wait, Italian songs.”

Albertson was told that that particular memory was a song by the band, Chicago. He was disappointed but not defeated; he quickly began to expose more memories.

“Okay, okay, my father married a pure Cherokee,” rattled off Albertson. “My mom’s people were ashamed of me and said I was white. But the white men called me ‘Indian Squaw.”

That memory was, likewise, not his own, but a song by Cher; also “squaw” means woman. Before giving up on his memory altogether, he attempted to recall on last thing.

“I remember,” exclaimed Albertson. “I drove my Chevy to the levy, but the levy was dry.”

Meeks simply ignored the statement.

“Come on,” shouted Albertson. “That’s American Pie!”

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Thursday, August 28, 2008

Area Man Uses Desktop Wallpaper To Hide Seething Rage

Reading, PA – Office workers at Allied Document Inc. were reportedly prone to commenting on the colorful scenes, which adorned the background of co-worker, Victor Smith’s computer. That practice came to an end on Wednesday morning.

Smith had allegedly been using images of kittens, sunsets, and baby seals to mask his utter hatred of his colleagues.

“I just asked him if it was a waterfall,” explained Martha French, a timid 40-year-old employee.

“Yes, yes, yes yes yes! It’s a f***ing waterfall,” replied an agitated Smith. “What the hell else could it be?”

According to reports, Smith put on a mocking garbled voice and insisted on repeating a vague approximation of her question, several times.

“My god,” said Smith. “Are you all simpering idiots? ‘Is that a waterfall? Are those kittens? So, you like horses? Oooohhhhh, Grand Canyon, let me tell you some inane garbage about the time I went to the Grand Canyon.’ You are so lucky I don’t kill every one of you and eat your f***ing corpses.”

The office manager explained that Smith has been using cute or inspiring desktop wallpapers for years. She does admit that it wasn’t until the outburst that she realized that Smith was using them to mask his fury.

According to Smith, he is entirely justified in his anger. He also believes that the wallpapers served to bring much needed levity and stave off his “dark thoughts”.

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Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Fantasy Foosball Team Rounded Out With “Blue Guy”

Madison, WI – Wes Roman has been part of a local fantasy foosball league for three years. As the weather changes and his fourth season approaches, his attention is focused on building a well-rounded team.

“Matt always has the strongest team out there, on the field,” explained Roman. “I don’t know what it is, he’s just really good at picking them.”

The final round of player acquisition, within the league, took place last Sunday. Roman has expressed being quite satisfied with his selection.

“I usually have a red-heavy line up,” said Roman. “This time I decided to take a gamble and include a blue guy. He’s really been looking good in spring training. I’ve got a good feeling about this one.”

According to reports, Roman has been putting his attention toward making sure his starter is ready. Observers have suggested that Roman should put more effort into keeping his own reflexes honed and his wrists limber.

“Oh I don’t ever actually play foosball,” noted Roman. “It’s a fantasy foosball league.”

Lance Cooper writes the Sports section of He is currently on location in Beijing covering the Summer Games. Lance is the author of the bestselling book "Whooo!!! Sports" which can be found in local book stores.

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Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Shots Fired Over Airspace Violation

Dining Room, 3F – Bill Anderson has to be careful in his dining room these days. He has recently used plywood to cover a gaping hole in his floor, which was caused by his neighbor, The Republic of Alan.

“I was just headed into the kitchen to get some pizza,” said Anderson. “I know my floorboards are a little creaky, but this is crazy.”

Allegedly, as Anderson passed through the dining room, he heard a loud bang and a large hole appeared in his floor. Reports suggest that the implement of destruction was a twelve-gauge shotgun.

“We’ve had territory disputes before,” noted Anderson, a citizen of the United States. “Like the back hallway, he’s always trying to invade it. I don’t care, except that if I want to take out my garbage, I either have to go around the front, of pay international tariffs. I was unaware that Alan had such sophisticated anti-air capabilities.”

According to the Republic of Alan Minister of Public Affairs, Alan Moorehouse, Mr. Anderson is the aggressor.

“As President of this great land,” explained President Moorehouse. “I have ordered the belligerent party to cease any and all activities in restricted airspace. He continues to perform operations despite my warnings. He could be running surveillance missions or worse, and I have no way of knowing.”

The Republic of Alan demands that Anderson respect its’ sovereignty and insists that further defensive actions will be taken when necessary.

The United Nations has been trying to avoid inclusion in the dispute, presumably in hopes that it will work itself out. However, this act of war cannot go unnoticed, according to some officials.
“It is and has always been our policy to defend our allies,” said a representative from the UN. “Though it may have been a poor choice, the United Nations is officially allied with The Republic of Alan. Mr. Anderson is in direct, aggressive, and unacceptable violation of international treaties.”

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Monday, August 25, 2008

McCain Fails To See Why We Like Cinnamon Toast Crunch

Denver, CO – As the election grows closer, and with Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama making headlines with his choice of running mate, John McCain is trying to make his presence known.

Senator McCain has been speaking in front of small groups with the intent of influencing voters within local communities. During one of these question and answer sessions, McCain was truly stumped.

Sources say that this time wasn’t like the economics question (to which he responded “I don’t know much about economics”); the Republican presidential hopeful was practically speechless.

“Senator McCain,” shouted a member of the crowd, “Can you see what makes Cinnamon Toast Crunch so good?”

“Umm, excuse me?” McCain stammered and replied with a slack jawed silence. At that point the candidate was presented with a bowl of the popular cereal and the question was repeated.

“Is it experience and a strong military record?” Asked McCain, the crowd remained silent in response. “Is it…um…because it isn’t culturally threatening?” The crowd just stared as the candidate panicked. “I don’t know!!!” shouted Senator McCain. “I don’t trust its’ judgment, I think it’s Muslim, not that there is anything wrong with that, I’m just saying.”

Reportedly, the crowd left the auditorium, disappointed with Senator McCain’s response.

Within hours, Senator Barack Obama received news of the faux pas and quickly issued a public statement. The statement was short and simple.

“Swirls of real cinnamon and sugar in every bite.”

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Saturday, August 23, 2008

Scientists Baffled By Bigfoot Remains

Palo Alto, CA – Matt Whitton, a police officer, and Rick Dyer, a former corrections officer, announced in a press conference last week that they had found the remains of the elusive “Bigfoot”. Calling themselves, “the best bigfoot trackers in the world”, the pair released a video on YouTube, launched a website, and held a press conference to publicize the find.

Bigfoot, or Sasquatch, is a legendary North American ape-like creature, which has eluded capture for centuries. The animal is so reclusive that no one has been able to produce evidence of any kind of its’ existence; until now.

The pair allegedly found the remains frozen on a mountainside in the northern portion of the state of Georgia. Proving their confidence in the beast’s authenticity, they submitted the carcass to researchers for testing. When the ice thawed, what was revealed was quite surprising to scientists.

“The hair which covers the body seems to be synthetic,” explained Roger Steadman, lead biologist for the investigation team. “It appears to made of nylon or some other inorganic material. That revelation is astounding for obvious reasons. It shows that not only does Bigfoot exist, but also it has the means to mass-produce synthetic, hair-like material. This really changes the way we think of the Sasquatch. The hair, amazingly, is not the most impressive find; the flesh appears to be made of some sort of rubber, possibly latex.”

Steadman went on to explain that the corpse was not supported by an endoskeleton as expected; it was hollow.

Hal Cristanich is an anthropologist who specializes in higher primates; he has worked closely with the team of researchers trying to unravel the mystery.

“When Roger (Steadman) called me and told me what he had found, I was floored,” said Cristanich. “At first we thought that the hollow rubber remains suggested that Bigfoot periodically shed his skin. That would imply that, amazingly, the creature’s body produces rubber and nylon, as a biological function. I find that hard to believe. It seems much more likely that Bigfoot wears this type of suit as a disguise. Perhaps to avoid detection by humans, maybe even to attract a mate. It’s really impossible to tell without observing the animal.”
Critics of these theories question why the animal would wear a suit that resembles itself so closely and where the creature would get such a suit. Cristanich deflects these wild inquiries.

“Maybe, this isn’t what Bigfoot looks like at all,” speculated Cristanich. “Maybe, every time a human has seen one, it was wearing a suit like this one. And as far as where Bigfoot would get the suit, I think the answer is obvious.”

The find has re-ignited the national fascination with Bigfoot. Experts expect this to be the first of many eye-opening discoveries in the near future.

Viktor Mímisbrunnr is a writer for He handles the supernatural, occult, and anything which cannot otherwise be explained. Viktor has a Master's Degree in something, I forget what.

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Friday, August 22, 2008

Heart of Gold Rejected

San Diego, CA – Earlier this week, noted philanthropist Norman Berkeley underwent a controversial new procedure, it was the first of its’ kind. The media favorite, “millionaire with the heart of gold” became just that, literally, when his heart was replaced by a golden artificial heart.

Doctors are saying that the heart was rejected. Berkeley was pronounced dead at 1:15 a.m. Friday morning.

Doctor Peter O’Malley, Berkeley’s regular physician was against the idea from the beginning.

“Of course I advised against it,” stated Dr. O’Malley. “He wanted to put a big hunk of metal in the place where his heart should be, it’s pure idiocy. He was a very kind man, but he took things a bit too literally.”

“Berkeley’s body just wasn’t ready for it,” said Dr. Bob Knowles, designer of the artificial heart. “His soul must not have been pure.”

According to Dr. Bob, the heart is powered by the limitless resources called love and good will, plus a small nuclear fission reactor.

“Norman was well aware of the risks,” continued Dr. Bob. “I warned him that it would only work for those pure of heart. He said he had no secrets, no regrets, nothing weighing on his soul. I guess he was also a liar.”

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Thursday, August 21, 2008

Government Employee Hasn’t Worked, Ever

Springfield, IL – A recent investigation by a local news reporter who doesn’t know when to keep her mouth shut, brought up some serious issues within the Illinois State Government. What has been called, “a blatant and unnecessary waste of tax payer money” was exposed.

George Laraway is a 30-year-old worker employed by the state government. Laraway admits being part of the problem.

“I got this job when I was twenty,” explained Laraway. “That’s really young to be working here. When I started I had a very strong work ethic, but they crushed that right away. I’ve been sitting on my ass for almost a decade.”

According to reports, Laraway is hardly alone. It seems that the local, county, and state governments are plagued by this kind of inefficiency and wasted money.

“I don’t even remember what I’m supposed to be doing here,” continued Laraway. “Maybe I’m supposed to be doing some kind of data entry…or I.T.? I really don’t know. I just come to work every day, play some games, read some stuff, and wait for my annual five percent raise, it’s cake.”

Reports suggest that Laraway’s job isn’t as easy as he says. Co-workers state that everybody, including Laraway, can find reasons to complain.

“There’s so much petty sh** around here, people just don’t wanna do their jobs,” noted an anonymous colleague of Laraway. “But nobody really has a job here!”

Laraway estimates that he hasn’t worked in ten years; an interesting point as he has worked at his current job for ten years. Despite having never done what he was hired to do, Laraway has gotten consistently high evaluations and two promotions since he was hired.
Among his notable accomplishments during paid work hours, Laraway has beaten several dozen PC games and earned a correspondence BA in marketing. He has also maintained an impressive desktop topiary collection.

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Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Rare Affliction Strikes Binge Drinker

Arlington, VA – It’s always tragic when the unsuspecting or innocent are struck by rare, incurable illnesses. Aaron Corliss, a 22 year-old sandwich artist, woke up this morning complaining of mysterious symptoms.

“Last night was a normal night,” explained Corliss. “I left work at, like, nine-thirty. Then I went to Ryan’s house, and had a couple beers. We played some beer pong, had a beer bong or two, and between the three of us, we only had one bottle of vodka. It wasn’t anything unusual.”

Reportedly, Corliss arrived home at approximately 2 a.m. But much to his surprise, when he woke up early this morning, Corliss was feeling quite ill.

“I don’t know what it is,” stated Corliss. “I think it might be some weird, rare disease, maybe some kind of brain thing.”

Corliss’ symptoms seem to revolve around a throbbing headache, with extreme sensitivity to light and loud noises. He also reports nausea, dizziness, vomiting, dry mouth, and a feeling of overall fatigue.
Experts have yet to diagnose Corliss, but the outcome will most certainly be grim.

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Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Shortsighted Philanthropist Undergoes Controversial Heart of Gold Transplant

San Diego, CA – Norman Berkeley is 52 years old and prides himself on his charitable efforts. He has been referred to by the media as “the millionaire with the heart of gold”.

Thanks to a controversial surgical procedure, Berkeley’s nickname will be more accurate than ever. Today, Berkeley is undergoing a literal, heart of gold transplant. He has opted to continue his philanthropy by giving his working heart to a twelve-year-old girl who has been on the donor list for three years.

“I felt that it was the least I could do,” said Berkeley. “And I believe that my new heart will enable me to continue my good works.”

Peter O’Malley is Berkeley’s doctor.

“I keep telling him that this is a terrible idea,” stated O’Malley. “The replacement heart is made of gold, actual gold. I can’t imagine that it will function properly. A chunk of metal can’t conceivably pump blood and flex like the heart; it’s a powerful muscle.”

The golden heart was created by a noted quack at the University of Southern California, Dr. Bob Knowles.

“From everything that I’ve been told,” explained Dr. Bob. “Norman already lives as if his heart is made of gold. So it really shouldn’t be a problem. Just plop that thing in there and let his goodness get it going. My design is actually powered by generosity and good will; not some primitive system of electrical impulses.”
If the procedure is successful, it will be the first of its’ kind. Berkeley has stated that if his new heart works, he intends to proceed with golden liver implants.

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Monday, August 18, 2008

That Lovin’ Feelin’ Found

Burbank, CA – Originally reported lost in 1964, police are saying “That Lovin’ Feelin” has been found. It was found early Sunday morning in a pond, by a passing jogger.

“I saw it from a distance and I couldn’t make it out,” stated Josh Davies, the jogger who made the discovery. “Then I got closer and realized what I was looking at. It was a bit traumatic.”

According to reports, the case had gone unsolved for so long that police had stopped devoting manpower to the investigation.

“The case has not been closed,” explained Burbank Police Chief William Spector. “But it was a case from the sixties, none of the original officers are still on the force, and there is a limit to how long we can investigate a case. I’m just glad that we will be able to give some closure to the families involved.”

Peter Wilson, a local man in his late fifties, was part of the volunteer team which searched for “That Lovin’ Feelin” in 1964.

“I was just a kid back then,” said Wilson. “I knew how important it was, I tried hard not to show it, but it was devastating. Those people, they’d lost it, and it was gone, gone, gone. I could just feel it, something beautiful was dying. I’m glad that they’ve finally found it, but they’ll never be able to bring back ‘That Lovin’ Feelin.”

Authorities are suggesting, due to forensics information, that it was kept alive for quite some time, having only recently been dumped into the pond. This raises questions as to who had “That Lovin’ Feelin” for all of these years, where had it been kept, and why?
Police have promised to re-open the investigation.

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Saturday, August 16, 2008

Hillbilly Industrialist Happens Upon Alternative Fuel Source

Appalachia, U.S.A. – Forty-year-old Ned Crumpet was unemployed and impoverished. He scarcely had means to provide food for his family.

Reportedly, Crumpet set out one day to find food. Unsuccessful, he became discouraged and decided to pass the time by firing his rifle into a nearby anthill.

“I heard this ‘ping’ kind of sound,” explained Crumpet. “And I knowed it weren’t no ants, ‘cause ants isn’t made of metal, I reckon.” [Sic]

The pinging sound came from a bullet ricocheting off of a natural underground windmill. Disturbed, the windmill come abubblin’ up, making Crumpet a very wealthy man. Crumpet has been urged to move away by family.

“They said Cali-fornia is the place I ought rightly be,” noted Crumpet. “But I disagree. I will likely take my new found wealth and move to Europe on account of the weak American dollar and the relative, albeit brief stability of the Euro.”

For many, it’s time to say goodbye to Ned. Crumpet does extend an invitation to all for the windmill’s opening ceremony next week.
“My attorney has advised me,” said Crumpet. “Due to the electrical nature of the windmill, to ask you to set a spell and remove any and all footwear for the duration of the ceremony.”

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Friday, August 15, 2008

Phelps Finally Has Means to Fix Grill

Beijing, China – Is Michael Phelps the greatest Olympian ever? That’s what spectators around the world are saying and Phelps has brought home enough medals to support the claim.

With an astounding eleven career gold medals (and counting) and thirteen Olympic medals overall, Phelps has earned the most gold medals of any Olympic athlete in modern times. After the sheer awe of his athletic achievements wears off, one begins to wonder, “What does one do with all of those medals?”
Phelps certainly had a plan. Shortly after winning his eleventh gold this week, Phelps returned to the Water Cube looking a bit different, sources say.
“I’ve always had a problem with my teeth,” explained Phelps. “I just couldn’t afford to get them fixed. Not many people know that the precious, precious medals themselves are the only compensation we athletes get for competing in the games.”

Reportedly, Phelps had his several of his gold medals melted down and made into “bling for his grill”. The others, allegedly, were used to pay for the procedure and a local prostitute “who does that pooping thing”.

“I thought it was time that I treat myself,” stated Phelps (pictured above with his last remaining gold medal. Not pictured, local, defecating prostitute). “I just hope I win more medals, because I have to pay my rent when I get home.”

Members of the media are suggesting that this new look for Phelps will likely be a lucrative decision, opening up endorsement deals. Previously, corporations were hesitant to use Phelps image suggesting, “His grin just isn’t metallic enough.”

The world-renowned swimmer has mentioned to friends that if he wins enough medals, rims are next on his wish list.

 Lance Cooper writes the Sports section of He is currently on location in Beijing covering the Summer Games. Lance is the author of the bestselling book "Whooo!!! Sports" which can be found in local book stores.

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Thursday, August 14, 2008

13th Annual Melodrama Awards A Cruel Twist of Fate

Los Angeles, CA – The 13th annual Melodrama awards, known as “the Weepies”, took place Wednesday night with their usual unfathomable grandeur. The Hollywood elite walked the red carpet with grace and poise, many of which nearly fainted from the mere sight of the spectacle.

Most of the Weepies were awarded to their respective category favorites; the “Most Fantastic Actor to Ever Exist” went predictably to the 25 year old Charles Faux. His acceptance speech was in reliably breathtaking form.

“I do throw myself to the ground in subservience of the Academy,” said Faux. “My gratitude renders me…humble…and…weak.” Faux feigned weakness at the knees. “But I shant fall, for it is you, ‘O you who would give me this…WEEPY…which hold me up.” Faux was then helped, exhausted, from the stage.

Catherine Devereux won the “What Modesty Must Be Cast Into the Wind to Name This Category” award, as anticipated.

“I cannot express, with all of my dramatic prowess and gifts,” explained Devereux. “How much this award means to me. Nor can I express how much it would have meant for my late husband who was cruelly taken from me at the young and virile age of seventy-five.”

O but alas, the ceremony wasn’t all acceptance speeches and grand, impeccable acting; for each award given there were the tragic souls of the losers left in the wake.

Ricky Vickers, a fan favorite who has been nominated for Weepies eleven times, once again, left empty handed. As Vickers left the ceremony, he was kind enough to comment on his twelfth loss.

“What a cruel thing this business of show,” stated Vickers. “A cold and heartless twist, this is, in an unkind world, to an unkind man. No wait, that makes me sound unkind…give me a second.”

No wonder he didn’t win.

Carthag the Pernicious is a ten thousand year old being of unspeakable horror. He writes the Arts and Culture section of and has a movie review page on

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Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Some Jerk Bogarting “Doctor Who” Season 3

Chicago, IL – “Doctor Who” is somewhat of a cult phenomenon in the U.K. But for many outside of Britain, it is a recently discovered treasure of science fiction television. One such fan is Monkey Breath’s own Carthag the Pernicious.

“Carthag only recently began watching the adventures of The Doctor,” said Carthag. “The local video store supplied ample Doctor Who rentals for Carthag’s consumption.”

After watching seasons one and two, Carthag was eager to continue with the episode entitled “The Runaway Bride”; the season premiere of season three. According to reports, the DVD box set of season three was not available when Carthag went to rent it.

“Sorry, it’s out right now,” stated the owner of the local video rental shop.

“It is unwise to leave Carthag hanging after such a dramatic second season,” explained the beast of unspeakable horror that is Carthag. “Carthag is emotionally distraught concerning the loss of Rose Tyler. We are led to believe that the Doctor really did love her; how will he go on without her!?”

This is not an uncommon problem in regards to watching television series by rental. According to reports, viewers often have to wait to watch exciting new episodes until other customers return the DVDs.

Reportedly, the box set is being held by “some jerk” that is taking far too long to watch it.

Carthag the Pernicious has issued this public statement via telepathy to all customers of his local video store,

“Pitiful mortal meat bag creatures, if you insist on keeping season 3 away from Carthag, you will incur a wrath the likes of which you cannot even imagine! Your blood will boil from your veins and your children will be changed into my minions for the impending conquest of the human race. Carthag must discover the secrets of the Doctor’s mysterious past! You will obey!”

Carthag the Pernicious is a 10,000 year old being of unspeakable horror. He writes the Arts and Culture section of and has a movie review column on

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Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Holy S**t! They Can Fly!

Beijing, China – China astounded viewers around the world with a spectacular opening ceremony for the 2008 Olympic games. As the world watched the ceremony, either in person or from the international broadcast, millions were impressed by the grandeur of the festivities.

In the final moments of the ceremony, before the games were declared open, Chinese gymnast Li Ning was handed the Olympic torch and charged with the prestigious task of lighting the cauldron.

To the surprise of the audience, Ning left the ground with the torch in hand and jogged a lap around the top of the stadium, referred to as the “Bird’s nest”; revealing to the world the ability to fly.

World leaders, coaches, and non-Chinese athletes, leaped to their feet, accusing Ning of witchcraft. The rules governing the Olympic games expressly forbid the use of “any powers which would be considered ‘super-human’, to include any special abilities derived from the use of magic, mutated genes, or imbued by proximity to a yellow sun.”

“It would be unfair to allow the Chinese to compete beside the athletes of other, non-flying nations,” stated President of the International Committee, Jacques Rogge. “Who knows what other powers these enigmatic people have concealed from us?”

The Chinese government and the Chinese Olympic Committee insist that it was a feat achieved through strictly non-magical means.

“I was hanging from cables,” frantically exclaimed Ning, through an interpreter. “I have no capability to fly; the idea is ridiculous!”

Despite objections from China and Ning, the International Olympic Committee has decided to retract all medals earned by the devils and have Ning burned at the stake, “just to be sure”. Rogge has assured the People’s Republic of China that if Ning is a witch he will be impervious to the fire and rescued by Satan. If he is not a witch, he will burn as an innocent man and will proceed to heaven to be with god.

According to reports, U.S. President Bush immediately fled the scene of the alleged sorcery and is currently safe in the “magic-proof” Air Force One.

Reportedly, the games will continue as planned, but China has been warned against any further “funny business” including, but not limited to; flying, turning athletes into toads, or using alien x-ray vision.

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Monday, August 11, 2008

Russia Escalates Scrabble Dispute

Tbilisi, Georgia – Last week, Russia sent armed forces into the sovereign nation of Georgia, reportedly in response to military action taken by the former soviet nation.

Allegedly, the conflict was caused by a controversial move in the game of Scrabble.

“There is nothing in the rules that says you can’t use an abbreviation, as long as it has been regularized,” stated Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin. “I’d say that U-S-S-R is as regularized as abbreviations get.”

The Georgian government does not agree. However, reports suggest that the Georgians were willing to “agree to disagree” until South Ossetia expressed public support for Russia.

South Ossetia is a region within Georgia that has been increasingly siding with Russia. This allegiance is particularly evident in matters of Scrabble. Abkhazia is also alleged to be supporting Russia in the dispute.

World leaders, including U.S. President Bush, have publicly criticized Russia’s actions. This use of force is viewed by many as an attempt to undermine the sovereign authority of Georgia; also that abbreviations are not allowed.

“This could not be further from the truth,” explained Putin in response to these allegations. “Russia is simply trying to defend the smaller helpless nations from tyranny, and it clearly says ‘unless regularized.”

The world community is left with a difficult decision; no matter which side is taken, it would seem that a small, defenseless nation is being “bullied” by a larger neighbor.

Representatives from the U.N. have begged for an end to the hostility; suggesting that perhaps the word could stand, but Russia would have to forfeit the triple word score.

Regardless of opinion, it seems that the consensus is a desire to end this conflict with as little loss of life as possible; also to decide if abbreviations are allowed.

They’re not.
Henry Q. Jackass is Editor-in-Chief of He is a regular writer and contributes frequently.

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Saturday, August 9, 2008

Study Reveals: Mortality #1 Cause of Death

Chicago, IL – Researchers at the University of Chicago have just announced some amazing findings. According to the results of a study which concluded recently, Mortality is the number one cause of death among Americans.

The study involved thousands of participants and took researchers five years to complete.

“For many years we’ve been told that heart disease was the most prolific killer of Americans,” said Eugene Coplin, one of the students involved. “But it’s not true. Heart disease, cancer, badger attacks; none of them even remotely compares to mortality in terms of sheer numbers.”

Allegedly, every single death in America can be directly traced to mortality with all other factors being considered irrelevant. This finding could dramatically change the medical community.

“We could basically give up on everything else and focus on stopping the monster that is mortality,” stated Dr. Edgar Flores.

The study only involved Americans and researchers admit that the results give no indication as to whether or not mortality is an issue in other countries.

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Friday, August 8, 2008

U.S. Troops Sent To War Without Kung Fu Grip

Baghdad, Iraq – The war in Iraq has been criticized as being plagued with bad logistical decisions, failures of asset management, and poor planning. These issues were first brought to light in 2004 when troops bound for Iraq questioned then Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld about the apparent lack of armor for vehicles and personnel.

The issue of ill-equipped military personnel has surfaced again. According to reports, many troops bound for combat zones are concerned about being deployed without the most basic of necessities.

“We’re not indestucible,” explained Sergeant Scott Bartman of the U.S. Marine Corps Reserve. “But we adapt and overcome. We can go in with inadequate body armor. We can go in with no armor on the vehicles. But they can’t expect us to go in and fight without the Kung Fu grip.”

The Kung Fu grip was first issued to American troops in 1964 and has been a standard government issue ever since.

“The effectiveness of the Kung Fu grip has been proven time and again,” continued Sgt. Bartman. “We’ve seen it in action against some pretty significant enemies, like COBRA. It just seems to ridiculous to ask us to go and fight without such an important element.”

Government officials have consistently avoided responding to the complaints.

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Thursday, August 7, 2008

Unidentifiable Substance Inhabits Lost Tupperware

Louisville, KY – Jackie Roberts, 28, was searching through her refrigerator in hopes of finding a snack, when she noticed a storage container, which she didn’t recognize.

“It was all square and it had an orange lid,” said Roberts. “I don’t remember ever having that container. It was really weird.”

Allegedly, Roberts, curious as to the container’s contents, removed it from the refrigerator. She then attempted to inspect the mysterious contents hidden within.

“It was green and white,” noted Roberts. “I don’t remember eating anything green and white. It was furry. That’s when I called Bill.”

According to reports, Bill Anderson, Roberts’ boyfriend was in the living room of the house. He was asked to consult with Roberts in regards to what the Tupperware contained.

“I’ve never eaten anything like that,” explained Roberts. “Although, it doesn’t appear to be entirely out of character for Jackie’s cooking.”

Reportedly, the cryptic substance had no odor, was dry, and seemed unlike anything Roberts or Anderson had ever consumed. Anderson attempted to dispose of the contents of the container down the toilet, but it was reportedly too solid. It had to be fished out and thrown into the garbage.

“It was an absolutely harrowing experience,” said Roberts. “I hope we never have to see that stuff again…Wait! Was that that terrible meatloaf?”

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Wednesday, August 6, 2008

White Sox Acquire Lou Gehrig

Chicago, IL – In a truly unprecedented move, the Chicago White Sox acquired the late Lou Gehrig earlier this week. Reportedly, the commissioner of baseball was hesitant to approve the cryptic decision.

Sports analysts across the country have been trying to discern why a team in contention for first place would take on such a typically problematic player.

“We’ve been looking to get some big name players on the team for a while now,” confidently explained Kenny Williams, the team’s general manager. “We are aware that he’s had some health issues in the past. We think these are issue we can overcome. I for one, am just happy to have him on board.”

Critics of the acquisition have argued that Gehrig, though once a very gifted player is past his prime and the White Sox are too late to get consistent good performance from him.

Many fans fear that given his history as an effective first baseman, Gehrig’s presence could threaten the locally beloved Paul Konerko. Gehrig also has an impressive reputation as a slugger; another point which could make Konerko redundant for the White Sox.

Some take issue with the risky decision of acquiring such a big name player so late into the season. Fans and critics agree that no one can make a real judgment until the new acquisition has had an opportunity to play with the team.

The White Sox would also like to welcome the relatively unknown Ken Griffey Jr.

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Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Scientists Clone Tool Dolly The Sheep

Edinburgh, Scotland – Cloning technology has been the source of intense debate and controversy for decades. The issue reached new heights in 1996 when Dolly the sheep was born at the Roslin Institute in Scotland. Dolly was the first mammal to be cloned from adult cells.

Once again Dolly is at the forefront of this field as she was recently the source of new cloning technologies.
“We’ve been researching this new technique for some time now,” explained Dr. Malcolm Briar, a geneticist at the Roslin Institute. “We were finally able to exactly reproduce an image of Dolly. This could change the way we look at the clone tool.”
Allegedly, this new method for cloning is so exact that a single animal is capable of being both the source and product of the process. Researchers claim that it is precise enough for the final images to be indiscernible from the original images.
“We are able to replicate the specimen exactly,” stated Dr. Briar. “Even down to the pose and lighting of the source image animal.”
Many have speculated that this new process could be applied to endangered species, creating practically infinite copies of images of a singular animal. Experts suggest that this method could make it seem as if dwindling numbers of identical animal images are a thing of the past.
Louis Morntine holds a Master’s degree in illusive wildlife conservation; he is optimistic about the implications.
“Never again will we be plagued by images of single animals,” noted Morntine. “Animals on the brink of extinction, such as the California condor, the Amur leopard, and the pygmy chimp, will seem plentiful in two dimensional images. We could conceivably wipe out the visual representation of solitary animals. Imaging a world where all you see when you look at a photo of the Giant Panda is hundreds of millions of identical pandas. It’s unimaginably beautiful.”
It’s not only conservationists who are interested in this new technology. According to reports, the U.S. government has expressed interest in the military applications of the clone tool.
“This method could be used to seemingly multiply our troop strength to epic proportions,” said retired Lt. Col. Jack Simian U.S.M.C., a strategic analyst. “We could distribute posters all over the world which show U.S. troops so plentiful they blanket the earth ten times over. No one would dare oppose us then.”
Researchers at the Roslin Institute, though optimistic, admit that human clone tool technology is still a long way off. The official statement from Edinburgh explains that the tool has been used to clone Dolly and missiles, but has yet to be effectively tested on people.

Henry Q. Jackass is the Editor-in-Chief of He is a regular writer and contributes frequently.

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Monday, August 4, 2008

GE Announces New “Problematic”

Fairfield, CT – General Electric’s stock is up this morning after a press conference held Friday. The company’s CEO, Jeff Immelt, told a crowd of hundreds about a new product that could change the face of GE.

The product he announced will be called the GE Problematic and it promises to revolutionize the industry.

“It’s been many years since we’ve been able to announce a product which can only be called problematic,” said Immelt. “My advice to the consumer would be ‘Brace yourself for a problematic future.”

A crowd of excited industry professionals crammed into the small conference area to observe the problematic action. General Electric claims that this product will offer a problematic touch to a consumer’s entire life.
Executives at GE are hoping that the problematic will help recoup the losses suffered from last year’s “Crap-o-lux” system.

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Saturday, August 2, 2008

Dyslexic Zombies Terrorize “Brians”

Evans City, PA – As if the prospect of the dead rising from the grave to walk among, and devour, the living isn’t unsettling enough; experts are reporting sightings of a new variety of walking dead.

“It seems that we’re getting a surge of zombies showing symptoms of the learning disability dyslexia,” explained Dr. Jeff Park, an expert on the creatures. “We have gotten so used to the standard ‘brain’ craving zombies, as well as their variant brethren which search for grains. These new ones really caught us off guard.”

According to reports, these new dyslexic zombies, or “bomzies” as they are jokingly called, have no interest in brains. Bomzies are only interested in one thing, Brians.

“Well, it’s obvious what’s going on,” continued Dr. Park. “This is the simple transposition of letters common in dyslexia.”

Predictably, people named Brian are not entirely comfortable with the news. Many have been going by aliases to avoid being noticed. Local authorities have reported some success, but suggest that Brianism is something intrinsic; relying on the fact that some Brians were attacked despite using a pseudonym.

Brian Newman is a twenty-seven year old local man who refuses to give up his name.

“I was born a Brian and I’ll die a Brian,” stated Newman. “It’s really not fair though. Why did it have to be Brian? Couldn’t it have been Niarb? Or why don’t they go after people named Rinab? Yeah, I know a guy named Rinab.”

Experts say the wave after wave of zombie threats coming from Pennsylvania will get worse before it gets better.

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Friday, August 1, 2008

Kirk “Wardrobe Malfunction” Fine Overturned By FCC

Washington, D.C. - “I’m just so happy to see that there is some sense of justice left in the world,” said Captain James T. Kirk in a press conference late yesterday afternoon. Kirk held the press conference in response to a recent FCC decision clearing him, the network, and the Federation of a half-million dollar fine.

The case has been in appeals court for years and it seemed as if the process would never end, according to attorneys representing the defense. The appeals court ultimately decided that the FCC "acted arbitrarily and capriciously" in issuing the fine.

The FCC cited Captain Kirk’s repeated and consistent bare-chested antics while appearing in a primetime television slot.

“Every single time my shirt was ripped, it was…unavoidable,” pleaded Kirk, in his own defense. “Whether I was engaged in mortal combat with a brutal alien foe, or forced to seduce some…admittedly attractive, yet strange looking alien beauty; I had no choice but to bare my chest.”
“It seems perfectly reasonable,” said Barry Allen, Kirk’s attorney. “That a space Captain, of any moral substance, would have to walk around shirtless from time to time. I find it indecent and unpatriotic that the FCC would even suggest anything less.”

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