Saturday, May 31, 2008

Stock Footage of Clucking Chickens Mistaken for "Sex and the City" Movie

Albany, NY - "It wasn't that bad," proclaimed Sally Brockton, a long time fan of the television series, after watching two hours and twenty minutes of livestock footage.

Brockton, along with seventy-five other movie-goers, purchased ticktes to attend a screening of the immensely popular film, "Sex and the City".

According to reports, a mix up occured when Lou Stiles, the theater's projectionist spooled the wrong film onto the projector reel. He allegedly use film left over from a recent stock footage film festival held at the theater.

"I didn't notice for over an hour," explained Stiles. "When I realized, I was about to change it, but I guess nobody else noticed either."

Will Stanton, Brockton's boyfriend, remained entirely unaware of the mistake throughout the movie,

"It was better than that god awful show Sally made me watch," claimed Stanton. "I was a little suspicious when the movie was almost over and I hadn't heard the words 'orgasm' or 'shoes', but I just thought they got better writers."

As a result of the positive reception, film makers are reportedly considering replacing the entire cast for the sequel, noting that chickens would be cheaper and easier to work with.

Read More......

Friday, May 30, 2008

Routine Flight Lands Safely

Dallas, TX – Emergency crews were overwhelmed Thursday morning when flight 5460 struck the runway at the Dallas-Fort Worth airport.

“It hit the runway and bounced a little,” stated Bill Hawkins, an emergency worker employed at the airport. “Other than that it was a safe landing.”

Reports say the flight took off from LAX with no difficulty. Allegedly, a favorable tailwind brought the flight in ten minutes ahead of schedule.

“We’re just so relieved that everything was okay,” said Hawkins. “I’m sure it was a harrowing experience for everyone involved.”

Federal Aviation Administration statistics show a disturbing trend; this is hardly an isolated incident. According to the FAA, flight 5460 was just one of hundreds of standard, “by-the-numbers” flights taking off and landing everyday, without complications.

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Thursday, May 29, 2008

Editor Wishes He’d Shelled Out More Money For Courtroom Artist

Chicago, IL – The Editor –in-Chief for local news blog,, regrets “cheaping out” on courtroom sketch artist.

“We have a very tight budget,” explained Henry Q. Jackass, Monkey Breath’s EIC. “I thought we could save a little cash on this freelance sketch artist.”

The news source reported needing a liaison in the courtroom for Chicago’s high profile child pornography trial of R&B artist R. Kelly. Allegedly, the Editor knew he had to jump on the opportunity to cover the trial.

“This trial is something that could really put us on the map,” noted Jackass. “I had hoped to get some good sketches and really wow the public.

Alan Parkin was hired at a considerably below average rate because of his lack of experience or portfolio. The artist returned from the trial with sub-par sketches.

“I went to art school,” stated Parkin. “I don’t know what Mr. Jackass is complaining about; I gave him an insightful, emotionally provocative artistic interpretation. It’s really some of my best work.”

Jackass did not agree with Parkin’s assessment.

“These sketches are horrible, but I guess you get what you pay for,” complained the EIC.

“I was making a statement about the victimization of a minor; which is the conflict at the heart of this case,” Parkin said, in his defense. “And, as far as my choice of media, crayons are the only materials I can afford.”

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Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Fed Chairman Indicted on Sherman Antitrust Violation Charges

Washington, D.C. – Just two months after taking office as the Chairman of the Federal Reserve Board, Rich Uncle Pennybags has been charged with violating the United States’ oldest antitrust law.

Since the announcement of Pennybag’s succession of Bernanke, on March 25 2008, partisan politics have threatened to be his undoing. The Chairman addressed a crowd after taking office, only to be met with shouts of derision. Shouts accused him of being decadent and labeled him as a “fat cat”. These criticisms continued, despite Pennybag’s personal investments in American economic interests.

On Tuesday morning, as business in the Nation’s capitol opened for the day, critics saw the first step toward, what they consider justice. Federal agents arrested Pennybags on charges of conspiracy to form a trust and conspiracy to monopolize.

The Chairman allegedly purchased controlling portions of all four railroads and was gradually acquiring interests in the utilities as well.

“I have been accused of crimes of which I was only recently made aware,” explained Pennybags in his last public address as Chairman. “I thought ownership of property was part of what it meant to be American. How else am I expected to bankrupt my opponents?”

Critics claim that the measure isn’t enough, saying that his wealth and power offer him a proverbial “get out of jail free” card. Pennybags has argued that the “Go directly to jail” mentality denies him the constitutional right to due process.

Sources suggest that Pennybags has already liquidated a fair portion of his assets, making his net worth difficult to assess. Among various hotel interests, the Chairman has reportedly sold off his pewter car, a massive pewter top hat, and his beloved Scottish terrier; also made of pewter.

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Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Kelly, Isley To Perform Duet Testimony

Chicago, IL – As the child pornography trial of Grammy award winning R&B recording artist R. Kelly continues to capture the attention of the news media, the defense has made an announcement which it hopes will spin the proceedings in Kelly’s favor.

According to the announcement, the defense has been preparing Kelly’s testimony for several months now. Kelly has reportedly recorded a musical score to accompany his testimony and arranged his statements as lyrics.

Allegedly, the defense has arranged a temporary release for Grammy award winning artist Ronald Isley, from his current tax evasion sentence, in order to reprise his “Mr. Biggs” role. Kelly’s attorneys have explained that in order to maintain artistic integrity and thoroughly illustrate his (Kelly’s) plea, a duet with Isley is necessary.

Isley and Kelly have had very successful collaborations in the past, and the defense is hoping that a duet testimony will sway the jury in Kelly’s favor as well as help support Isley’s attempt at early parole.

Prosecutors in the Kelly trial has called the effort “pure sensationalism”; proclaiming that the jury will not be swayed by the shameless diversion. Regardless of that assertion, the prosecution has asked the court to deny Kelly the opportunity to sing under oath.

The presiding judge in the trial has decided to allow Kelly and Isley to perform their song, noting that it would be a nice change of pace in an otherwise boring trial.

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Monday, May 26, 2008

Statistician Determines 82% Probability He Picked Worst Job Ever

Milwaukee, WI – Marty DuPage, a 27 year old statistician has come to a startling conclusion about himself.

“Statistically speaking,” began a shaken DuPage. “There is a high probability that I have chosen the worst job, ever.”

DuPage arrived at the conclusion through a long analysis of many factors; having spent more than three years on the problem.

“I began to suspect something wasn’t right when I noticed that my aggregate data showed me hating life ninety-six percent of the time with a two percent margin of error,” explained DuPage. “Additionally, my boredom at work had a positive curve so sharp that it nearly doubled every month.”

The American Society for Statistics reports 75% of professional statisticians report having an average unhappiness rate exceeding 60%; suggesting that DuPage is, at least statistically, not alone.

“Of course, there were many factors involved in my analysis,” noted DuPage. “In addition to my increasing unhappiness, empirical data suggests that there is an inverse relationship between my relationships with women and discussion of statistics; I would go so far as to say the relationship is causative.”

The statistician expressed an utter disappointment with life, stating that previous ambitions included professional musician and veterinarian.

DuPage solemnly explained that it was, ironically, statistics that made him see his loathing of statistics.

“I thought I was doing alright until the data showed me different. Statistics don’t lie, not with all of their easily manipulated marginal accuracy.”

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Sunday, May 25, 2008

Wet Toilet Seat Discovered Too Late

Grand Island, NE – “The first thing I thought was, ‘Great, my ass is wet. I hope that’s not urine,” recalled Pamela Cody, 23.

Ms. Cody described an incident which happened early Monday morning in public women’s restroom.

“I had only been at work for, like 20 minutes,” continued Cody. “The staff bathroom is always occupied that time of the day so I had to use the public one down the hall. I walked in and sat down; that’s when it hit me. The seat was all wet!”

Cody commented on the frustration that comes from the realization that she forgot to check before she sat down.

“I mean, come on! This is a women’s bathroom, it’s not like you can miss. What the hell are people doing in here that causes them to piss on the seat?”

She admitted that her cynicism leads her to assume the liquid on the seat is urine; adding that it could be a number of other substances, none of which are appealing.

“There’s not much I can do about it now,” explained Cody, defeated. “I had to just sit there with a wet ass until it dried, but the idea was just really disturbing.”

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Saturday, May 24, 2008

Pin Striped Suit Deceives Office Tiger

Ann Arbor, MI – Louis Pitmeyer has been criticized for his devotion to the vertical pin stripe pattern for years. On Thursday, Pitmeyer was given adequate justification to continue wearing his pin striped suits.

“Who’s laughing now? Everyone else is dead because they failed to break up their silhouette,” gloated Pitmeyer. “As soon as I heard they were bringing in a full grown Siberian Tiger, I was like, ‘oh, I’m gravy.”

Pitmeyer’s employer had an opening in the copy room. The position was filled by the most qualified applicant; a 630 lb. Siberian Tiger named Popo.

“Popo came out of the copy room all slow, watching people move around the office,” recalled Pitmeyer. “I’ve had cats, I know that look; he was on the prowl. I just didn’t move, knowing that my vertically striped suit would make it hard for him to distinguish my visual outline from my environment. He probably thought I was a patch of tall grass.”

The Tiger began systematically pouncing on and devouring its co-workers.

“Bill always wears these solid black suits, they look nice, but offer him absolutely no cryptic coloration,” noted Pitmeyer. “He went first. Then after him, it was just one after another. I sat perfectly still.”

Since the incident, Pitmeyer has been promoted to Office Manager on grounds of his clever evasion. He is charged with the task of hiring replacements for his deceased staff. Popo was reprimanded for unprofessional conduct and failing to complete his copy room duties on the day of the rampage.

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Friday, May 23, 2008

Obama to GOP: I Will Slap the Black Right Off of You

New York, NY - Sen. Barack Obama spoke with Good Morning America declaring his opinion about the Republican Party attacking his wife, Michelle.

“…If they think that they're going to try to make Michelle an issue in this campaign, they should be careful. Because that I find unacceptable," began an atypically fervent Obama.

The Presidential hopeful continued, proclaiming that the GOP had best watch their mouths. Senator Obama explained that this is not the way business is conducted, where he comes from; if they want to get crazy, he’s willing to get crazy.

“To borrow a colloquial expression; I will slap the black right off of the GOP if they don’t back off of my family,” stated Sen. Obama, jokingly, but with an unmistakable seriousness.

The Republican Party laughed off the expression; noting that they “haven’t got any black to slap”.

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Thursday, May 22, 2008

Area Man Finds Gold in Nose

Rolling Meadows, IL – It’s a familiar sight for anyone who drives a substantial distance regularly; the motorist driving in the next lane, lulled into a false sense of solitude, picking his/her nose. These drivers are often unaware of other motorists, staring straight ahead.

George McMahon, a local commuter, was a self-described “nasal prospector”.

“My mom used to say to me, all of the time, ‘What are you doing up there, digging for gold?” McMahon reminisced, “Turns out, I was!”

On one of his frequent expeditions McMahon discovered a 24k gold chain lodged in his sinus cavity. After completely excavating the precious metal, he had it appraised. The chain was valued at approximately $260.

“I guess I must’ve put it up there at some point,” speculated McMahon. “Unless it’s something my body just made; you know, like pearls.”

Dr. Mark Canter, McMahon's family physician, explained that on the extremely remote chance that it was, in fact, McMahon’s body that produced the gold; it is an exponentially more remote possibility that his body would have shaped the metal into a delicate, uniform chain.

Despite recommendations from Dr. Canter, McMahon has announced plans to resign from his current job and turn to nasal prospecting full-time.

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Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Bush, Obama, McCain Form Vocal Group

Washington, D.C. – President Bush has teamed up with Senators/Presidential hopefuls Barack Obama and John McCain after discovering that the trio creates an “amazing harmony”.

The Trio, pictured here warming up, intends to practice weekly and hopes to go on tour next year regardless of the outcome of the November election. The members of the group, reportedly, can put their differences aside for the sake of the music.

The only major obstacle they have encountered is a dispute in choosing a name for their group.

“My suggestion is ‘A cappellago,” explained Senator Obama. “It’s a clever play on the words ‘a cappella’ and ‘archipelago’; the former being an unaccompanied vocal style of music, and the later being a chain of islands. I think it works because each of us is independently an island of political views and opinions, and this group brings us together; also, because we sing without instrumental accompaniment.”

“I say we should call the group ‘2012,” suggested Senator McCain. “2012 being the end of my first term as President, the year that Senator Obama will have an opportunity to run against me again, and the last full year of the war in Iraq; the end of President Bush’s legacy.”

“We should call it ‘Baseball’ or something else cool like that,” asserted President Bush. “Maybe, ‘The Best Damn Quartet, Ever!’ would be a good name.”

Both Senator McCain and Senator Obama noted that their group is in fact, not a quartet, in response to the President’s suggestions.

The trio expects to be in the studio recording their first album by December 2008; with a tentative release set for next summer.

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Tuesday, May 20, 2008

CIA Agent Drunk Dials Al-Qaeda

Washington, D.C. – Allegedly, a CIA agent, whose name is being withheld for security reasons, called a number in his address book while heavily intoxicated. The number was revealed to be a direct line to Al-Qaeda. Reports suggest that the terrorist group has been screening their calls; avoiding contact with the U.S. government.

The calls were recorded in numerous voice mail messages. For the sake of journalistic integrity, we have transcribed the messages as accurately as possible.

11:45 p.m.

Agent: Hey, hey, I just hit some buttons on my phone, and it called you. I thought it was weird, so I went with it.

11:48 p.m.

Agent: Hi, I was joking last time, I called you on purpose. I miss you; we should really hang out sometime. You know, this whole “war on terror” thing, it just makes everything harder.
(Long pause)
Hey! Remember that time we got in a fight with those communists? They were not f***ing around. I totally saved your ass though. That was so awesome.

12:00 a.m.

Agent: Fine, you don’t want to answer your phone? You can go to hell!

12:06 a.m.

Agent: No, no, (incoherent mumbling). You, I want my “Vapors” tape back! I loaned you my “Vapors” tape. That tape had everything; Waiting for the Weekend, Turning Japanese.
(Begins singing “Turning Japanese” by The Vapors)
(Mumbles lyrics, begins singing “Land Down Under” by Men at Work)
What was I saying? Oh yeah, Land Down Under!

12:20 a.m.

Agent: I’m sorry, I didn’t want you to f**k off, or whatever I told you to do; you’re awesome. I’m not just saying that because—
(loud thud, rustling noises)
S**t, s**t, I dropped the phone! Don’t hang up I just dropped the phone! Is that better? I got it.

12:30 a.m.

Agent: (snoring)

12:45 a.m.

Agent: Sometimes, I just think, “What am I doing with my life?” You know? What’s it all about?

1:00 a.m.

Agent: This is CNN.

1:02 a.m.

Agent: (crying) Why don’t you talk to me? You’re the only one I lever had. I just…

1:04 a.m.

Agent: Did I say lever? I’m such a screw up! That’s why you don’t love me.

The transcribed messages show a disturbingly relatable situation. No one within the CIA or Al-Qaeda has commented publicly on the calls. Allegedly, the CIA is a little embarrassed and hopes to not run into Al-Qaeda anytime soon; as it would be awkward at best.

Read More......

Monday, May 19, 2008

McCain Predicts Results of First Presidential Game of “RISK”

Columbus, OH – “Once elected President, I intend to engage in an inaugural session of everybody’s favorite world domination themed board game, RISK", explained the Republican Presidential hopeful. “My opponents will squabble over who will get Australia; I will seize North America while they are divided.”

Senator McCain was hesitant to discuss details of his tactics, for fear of revealing too much to his opponents. However, he reassured the crowd of his imminent victory.

“My first game of RISK in the White House will be a victory for John McCain, and a victory for America,” boasted the Senator.

In response to accusations of being presumptuous, Senator McCain smiled and stated;
“I understand that RISK is a complex game with a lot of variables, many of which are dependent on my opponents, but I think it’s time that I started to look ahead. My critics have expressed concerns that I can’t accurately anticipate such an unpredictable outcome. I think they’re wrong. I predict that my critics will be unemployed, if not worse, by the end of my first term.”

Senator McCain continued to make predictions, some of which include; his rise to power as Emperor of the Confederated Western Hemisphere, the Confederation of the Western Hemisphere and his posthumous usurping of the Throne of Odin with which to rule over Valhalla with an iron fist.

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Sunday, May 18, 2008

Spielberg and Lucas Announce “Indy 5”

Hollywood, CA – Taking a cue from Marvel Entertainment’s ambitious announcement of their film plans for the next three years, George Lucas and Steven Spielberg have announced the next Indiana Jones movie.

On the eve of the Cannes Film Festival world premiere of “Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull” the legendary team announced plans for the fifth chapter in the series, to be released in the summer of 2012. Noting the internet buzz that Marvel received for announcing future plans on the day after the release of “Iron Man”, the pair said that they wanted to capitalize on the anticipation over “Crystal Skull”.

Lucas seemed fidgety and eager as he made the announcement, “The film will be called, ‘Indiana Jones and The Assisted Living Facility…of Doom”, spouted Lucas. “Steven (Spielberg) pointed out that Indy is getting old, as is Harrison. I said, ‘These are real problems that Indy would have to deal with, let’s play that up.”

“I absolutely agree that it would be a shame to let the character die while there’s still plenty of good money, I mean story in him,” chimed in Spielberg.

Critics argue that it is unflattering for an action hero to age on screen; with some suggesting that Ford was even too old to play Jones, with any dignity, in “Crystal Skull”.

Lucas disagrees, suggesting that among the normal conflicts one would find in an assisted living facility, possible antagonists for the archeologist could be extraterrestrials, ghosts, or even “some sort of big-dog monster”.

Despite their excitement, the duo resisted the urge to give away any major plot points; describing only one action sequence.

“One significant and recurring activity for Indy will be anxiously watching the telephone in his room, hoping for someone to call,” revealed Spielberg.

Read More......

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Bush Denounces “Talking” as a Form of Conflict Resolution

Jerusalem, Israel – President Bush launched a biting offensive against non-violent conflict resolution Thursday, as he spoke at Israel’s 60th anniversary celebration.

The U.S. President compared suggestions to speak with belligerent leaders to suggestions of diplomatic discussions with the Nazi party made prior to World War II; striking a nerve with Israel’s largely Jewish population. He called the dream of diplomatic communication a “foolish delusion”. Bush indicated that despite never actually having tried to speak with Hitler, prior to the war, it would have been a mistake on the part of our government.

"Some seem to believe we should negotiate with terrorists and radicals, as if some ingenious argument will persuade them they have been wrong all along," stated President Bush, noting the implausibility of a persuasive, ingenious argument. He also hinted at the futility of talking.

The speech seemed to be a veiled attack on diplomacy and talking with not-so-veiled undertones of criticism toward the Democratic Party. Bush painted a picture of Democrats as being talkers.

Many believe that this speech was an attempt to turn Jewish-American voters against Democratic Presidential hopeful, Senator Barack Obama. This suspicion was strongly supported when President Bush ended the speech with the following statement;

“Obama wanted me to tell you, 'As-Salaamu Alaikum', whatever that means.”

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Friday, May 16, 2008

White Sox Fans Pool Money to Buy Cubs

Chicago, IL – “It is the largest coordinated act of fan cohesion in sports history,” reported Jim Knight, a local sports historian. “Fans from all over the city, rich, poor, everybody pitched in to buy a team that they didn’t even like. It was really kind of inspiring.”

There has been a lot of buzz surrounding the sale of the Chicago’s legendary underdog baseball team. A number of individuals, as well as groups, have expressed interest in purchasing the team. Many potential buyers have been wading through the various legal and fiscal obstacles of purchasing the Cubs.

White Sox fans reportedly showed no interest in team ownership until it was announced that naming rights would be part of the parcel.

“It was a lot of money,” noted an anonymous Chicago politician who offered a large portion of the resources needed to buy the team. “…but it seemed like a chance to finally stick it to those uppity North-siders.” The politician continued, “I don’t think it’s favoritism, I’m in charge of this city. I have a right to choose which team to root for.”

He cryptically joked about bulldozing the letter “X” into the field.

Non-residents have questioned why a city would show such disdain for their home team.

“Chicago, like many other cities, is geographically divided,” explained Knight. “There has been a cut-throat rivalry between the North side and the South side for over a century. Chicago’s baseball rivalry represents the heart of social, political and economic animosity.”

Many members of the purchasing body proclaim that the move was perfectly justified, claiming that “Asshats” is, by no means, an inaccurate label.

“It’s not like this is going to ruin their hopes of winning the Series,” gloated one Sox fan.

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Thursday, May 15, 2008

Cyclone Devastates Hawaii

10,000 Hats Blown Off

Kailua-Kona, HI
– The astonishing series of powerful natural disasters continues to terrorize the Pacific; most recently hitting Hawaii.

Early this afternoon, a storm struck Hawaii’s big island, throwing the normally tranquil island into turmoil. Gale force winds swept across the landscape claiming beach umbrellas, windsocks and thousands of innocent hats.

Bill Richards, a Texas native vacationing in Hawaii, was walking along the beach with his family when the unexpected storm hit.

“My father gave me that hat,” explained Richards. “Before I knew it, it was gone. It just flew away.” Richards described a white Stetson which had been in his family for nearly five years.

Richards wasn’t the only one who lost cherished headgear. Thousands of tourists, as well as local residents, reported having hats snatched right off of their heads by the storm. Hawaii’s state government is scrambling to take action and provide aid. There is no word yet as to whether or not the federal government will step in to provide assistance.

Local authorities have reported a death toll of zero, with no injuries.

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Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Elevator Flatulence a Bad Career Move

Redding, CA- Josh Pallard admits that recent actions were probably not his best professional efforts.

Pallard, 28, is a data entry clerk at Lewis Information Systems Inc., a prominent business solutions company in Redding. For the last two years, he has had his ambitions firmly set on the Office Manager position. Pallard has been the frontrunner for the promotion since its opening last month.

“I was in the elevator, by myself,” Pallard reported. “It was, like, two hours after the office closed, I didn’t think anyone was around.”

Pallard explained that he had been particularly gassy that day and out of courtesy to his co-workers, had been holding it.

“I was like, ‘well, I guess it’s okay now.’ Then the door opened at the fourth floor and Mr. Soto got on the elevator,” explained Pallard.

Pallard referred to Mr. John Soto, the Regional Manager for Lewis’. Soto has the final decision in whether or not Pallard is awarded the promotion.

“Josh just looked really uncomfortable and quickly got off of the elevator,” noted Soto. “I can’t really base a decision on unchecked bodily functions, nor am I that petty. But judging by that encounter, I think he should probably see a doctor. There’s something seriously wrong with that young man.”

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Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Disney Reports Teacup Epidemic

Record Number of Patrons Falling Asleep at the Wheel

Magic Kingdom, FL – Possibly the most well known theme park ride in the country; Disney’s teacup ride is the scene of a disturbing new trend. Disney is reporting at least one incident per day involving riders asleep at the wheel.

Janice Crowley is one of the park’s safety regulators.

“People come to me to file reports about safety incidents,” explained Crowley. “I got one (report) the other day and it was just…it was bad. I went out to the ‘cups’ and there was this one; the guy behind the wheel was obviously asleep. It was just spinning around and around; I’ve never seen anything like it.”

Park officials have pointed out that the only real threat is when individuals ride in the teacup alone, as any person in the seat can take control of the wheel. Reports suggest that Disney is considering implementing what they call, “the lonely loser rule”, which forbids anyone from riding the teacups alone.

Witnesses of the most recent incident told park safety regulators that it was “just terrifying; a harrowing experience”.

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Monday, May 12, 2008

Bush to GOP: I Love McCain Thiiis Much

Washington, D.C. – President Bush and Republican presidential candidate John McCain shared a heartwarming hug at a meeting of key members of the Republican Party late last week. Critics and confused onlookers have questioned the motivation behind the long, awkward embrace.

“The little guy was all tuckered out,” explained President Bush. “He’s been doing a lot of campaigning and he just got all sleepy eyed and cranky. You know, he reminds me of those little folks from ‘The Wizard of Oz”.

President Bush went on to say that a short time later he carried Senator McCain off to bed, tucked him in and told him a story about baseball. The President showed a distinct emotional warmth and endearment for the presidential hopeful.

The explanation given by McCain’s public relations representative was different.

“Despite what some reports have said, the Senator was not just ‘sleepy,” stated the representative. “The truth is that Republicans have a special genetic adaptation. Senator McCain’s skin is a semi-permeable membrane, through which policies, opinions and genetic material can pass; the same is true of President Bush. The embrace was a sort of ‘passing of the torch.”

In response to the cold and unemotional statement given by McCain’s PR representative, President Bush made the following comments.

“I don’t know what all of that stuff means, all I know is that he’s a little cutie-patootie.”

Special thanks to "downtown" Diaz de Leon for submitting the image and contributing story concepts.

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Sunday, May 11, 2008

Mating Ritual Has Scientists Baffled

Cambridge, MA – Scientists at MIT have expressed nothing but confusion when it comes to human mating rituals.

“We’ve tried just about every approach we can think of, but it just doesn’t work,” stated Edward Kirby, a particle physicist. “We have observed situations which result in attracting members of the opposite sex; we just can’t seem to replicate the outcome.”

Scientists report that this is an immense experiment, having an extremely broad spectrum of variables. They listed some of the elements being altered for different phases of the experiment. Locations such as dance clubs, grocery stores and gyms have been used. Other factors being controlled include key phrases used to initiate conversation, different brands of cologne and varying levels of alcohol intoxication.

“It’s frustrating. We have had largely inconclusive, disappointing results,” further explained Kirby. “Each of our mothers has assured us that we are capable of getting girls; it’s just very frustrating.”

Though the scientists admit the results aren’t reliable, they suggest that the most reasonable conclusion is that all of the test subjects were lesbians.

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Saturday, May 10, 2008

Zombies to Blame for Shortage of “Graains!”

Washington, D.C. – Initially dismissed as a minor nuisance, the ongoing Zombie phenomenon has finally caught the attention of the United States government.

Amid rising concerns about elevated grain prices and imposed limitations on quantities purchased; the U.S. Department of Agriculture has officially acknowledged the grain shortage.

“It has come to our attention that we (the U.S.D.A.) were presented with a pertinent concern; about which we took no action,” U.S.D.A. Secretary, Ed Schafer, told reporters early this morning. “A number of legitimate news sources such as and The New York Times reported that an outbreak of the walking dead posed a serious threat to our grain crops. After having gained more information, we are ready to address the issue head-on.”

Secretary Schafer continued, explaining that the U.S.D.A. believes that the current world-wide grain shortage is a direct result of the un-checked zombie problem.

When initially reported the zombie threat on April 30, 2008, the issue was largely ignored by local, state and federal authorities. Despite the apparent lack of interest by the government, several individuals reported very real concerns.

Klaus Vunderbraten was the owner of a Pittsburgh area bakery at the time. His bakery has since gone out of business; forcing the impoverished baker into unemployment.

“Mine bread, mine cakes, all gone,” explained a downtrodden Vunderbraten. “They even ate mine flour. There was nothing I could do.”

The grain shortage has affected grain markets around the world with no clear end in sight. Other factors which may be to blame for the continued shortage are global climate changes and military conflict in dense growing regions. However, the consensus among analysts is that the zombie plague has been the single most influential factor.

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Friday, May 9, 2008

Hip Hop Community Embraces Crude Oil

Los Angeles, CA- Since Hip Hop mogul Jay-Z publicly denounced Cristal champagne over comments made by the managing director of the champagne’s manufacturer; opulent members of the Hip Hop community have been searching for a new status symbol.

New reports suggest that the search is over. The winner: crude oil.

A young rapper named Bougie Khan (aka B-Khan, Bougie K, or the Khanman) has taken the first massive strides in popularizing the raw petroleum slurry. Khan, the self-proclaimed “Emperor of Opulence”, reportedly got the idea from the skyrocketing prices of oil.

“I look around and see that everybody’s got gold and diamonds,” explained Khan. “Anyone can get champagne and gas just wasn’t good enough. Only the richest men in the world have crude oil; it’s only the best for Bougie Khan.”

Khan’s first album, “I’m rich as hell”, featured tracks such as; Yes, oil for blood, Oil on me, Oil on you, and Carcinogen again. Several of the music videos from the album feature images of Khan pouring oil on scantily clad women, dumping large amounts of oil on himself and pouring a bottle of petroleum on the curb for his boys who couldn’t be there.

Many environmentalists have expressed concern that the depictions will encourage irresponsible use and disposal of fossil fuels.

Khan also announced that his chain of nightclubs, called Upper Echelon, will start “barrel service” for all VIPs.

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Thursday, May 8, 2008

Funky Town Tour Guides Go On Strike

Funky Town, U.S.A. – Won’t you take us to Funky Town? No, they won’t; at least that’s what union officials are saying.

A popular American tourist attraction since the 1970s, Funky Town has been a boon for the few locals who have an intimate knowledge of the area. A number of factors, primarily topographical, make the area inaccessible to tourists without a guide. The current labor dispute threatens to shut down all tourism to Funky Town.

Last year the tour guides joined Tour Guides Local 245 and immediately began to negotiate a new contract. The management staff of “We want the Funk”, the largest Funky Town tour company, has cited declining interest in the tourist attraction as the main factor in controlling wages and benefit packages.

The tour guides have called this angle a “cop-out” arguing that they have a rare skill and demand appropriate compensation.

The Funky Town Board of Tourism has expressed fears that a season without tourism may cause the tourist attraction to close permanently. They have urged all parties involved to resolve the issue as quickly as possible.

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Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Pentagon Unveils Devastating New Weapon

Washington, D.C.- “It’s powerful, fast and versatile,” explained Master Sergeant Robert Kane U.S.M.C. “There just isn’t anything out there comparable to the F-bomb.”

The new weapon has a broad range of applications, according to the Department of Defense. However, the Department also admits that it has unpredictable consequences.

Critics have called it “America’s dirtiest bomb”; many arguing that its use is inappropriate and inflammatory at best.

“The F-bomb is never okay,” claimed Dimitri Wilkins, a human rights activist. “It (the f-bomb) never solves problems; it just makes things worse. You can’t expect to encourage diplomacy when you just run around tossing F-bombs at everybody. There are better ways, alternatives.”

Despite objections, the military has been researching the F-bomb for decades; trying to perfect the method of delivery.

“It’s just devastating and we are looking forward to using it in the current conflict overseas,” continued Master Sergeant Kane. “People over there don’t really understand it yet but we’ve been working on that problem for a few years now. It won’t be long before they fully understand the F-bomb and we can begin to use it effectively.”

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Tuesday, May 6, 2008

China Bans “Flee Tibet” Slogan at Beijing Orympics

Beijing, China- As each day brings the world closer to the XXXIX Olympiad; tensions over alleged inhumane practices are a growing concern for the People’s Republic of China, host of this year’s games.

Yesterday, the Chinese government made a definitive stance on one particular type of protest.

“There will be absolutely no tolerance for protest of any kind at these games,” declared a government representative. “To be clear, this is an official ban on the popular ‘flee Tibet’ signs or anything bearing that slogan, at the Beijing Orympic games.”

Protestors and activists around the world have been a consistent nuisance for China’s Olympic torch run; the most prominent of China’s alleged offences being the occupation of Tibet.

Some known activists have slyly promised, in a public statement to China, to “destroy any and all items bearing the words ‘flee Tibet”. They also noted, respectfully, that it was never their intention to make a mockery of the “Orympics”; adding cryptically that the event is something they “rikey velly much”.

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Monday, May 5, 2008

Abnormally Long Commute Blamed on “Traffic Jerk”

Chicago, IL- Mark Gordon, traffic reporter for a local radio station, averages five minutes per hour on the air. Regardless of his minimal involvement in a popular afternoon show, Gordon is the object of Samantha Floren’s hatred.

Last Wednesday, Gordon reported travel times nearly twice that of those encountered on a typical day. Samantha Floren, a 22 year old administrative assistant, tuned in just in time to hear the discouraging traffic report.

“I had a long day and I just wanted to get home and take a relaxing bath,” reported Floren. “I turned on the radio and that traffic jerk said that it would take an hour and a half for me to get home.”

She changed the radio station and continued to drive home cursing Gordon’s very existence.

“All he had to say was, ‘travel times are good’ and everything would have been fine,” explained an agitated Floren. “Instead he had to come out with that crap; it ruined my day.”

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Sunday, May 4, 2008

Peter Jackson Secures Right to Ruin All of Your Childhood Favorites

Los Angeles, CA- Oscar winning director, Peter Jackson has reportedly just signed the largest film rights deal in history. The deal resulted in Jackson procuring rights to make film adaptations or remakes of every single one of your childhood favorites.

Best known for his critically acclaimed, live action “Lord of the Rings” trilogy, Jackson has was also the director of the 2005 remake of “King Kong” and several other notable films.

Jackson’s directing style is defined by his ability to make even the most intense action sequences long and boring.

Early predictions suggest that Jackson will immediately start work on the films with the intent of releasing them in annual installments, making each more slow and tedious than the last.

Chuck Archer, the owner of a popular film review website, expressed his conflicted anticipation.

“Just like with Jackson’s other movies, I expect to be impressed with elements like digital effects, camera work and sheer scale of production,” stated Archer. “However, by the time I get to the end of the movie, I’ll be so bored that I don’t care. Not every movie needs to be four hours long.”

Archer continued sarcastically, “I can’t wait to see all nine hours of his live action remake of ‘The Land before Time.”

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Saturday, May 3, 2008

Local Man Has 4:1 Odds to Beat Gambling Addiction

Davenport, IA- Carl Brenditz has taken the first step toward recovery; admitting he has a problem. He then called his bookie to place a bet against himself.

Benditz has been battling a gambling addiction for three years, ever since he moved to Davenport. Davenport is one of the “Quad-Cities” a group of four cities which form a singular metropolitan area; giving residents easy access to three different riverboat casinos.

Mr. Brenditz’s bookie, who preferred to remain anonymous, thought the odds were fair.

“I’ve seen Carl go through a lot of stuff because of his addiction, I think he’ll really try to make it,” claimed the bookmaker. “I don’t think he’s going to throw it just to get the money. He’s an addict not a liar.”

Brenditz says that he will have to take it, one day at a time. He has told members of his gambling anonymous group that if it doesn’t work out this time, he’ll just have to take double or nothing and try again.

Members of his group say they have faith in his will power, but think that he’s taking the wrong approach.

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Friday, May 2, 2008

Hybrid Car Inherits Recessive “Gas- Guzzling” Trait

Detroit, MI- General Motors has received criticism during this last week regarding an anomaly produced at one of their new hybrid vehicle factories. The vehicle in question was supposed to be one of GM’s new hybrid models but reportedly prominently displayed the “gas-guzzling” trait which was common in GM’s earlier vehicles.

“It’s bound to happen when you start messing with automotive DNA,” stated Albert Donovan, one of the designers who worked on the vehicle. “Gregor Mendel showed us the probability of a given subject showing any particular trait; it’s the risk we run when we start to domesticate these vehicles by making hybrids.”

Opponents of GM’s hybridization practices have called this vehicle an “abomination” claiming that it is in fact, “the will of god” and a punishment for taking liberties with the vehicle’s natural design. There have been calls from opponents to euthanize the vehicle; suggesting that it is inhumane to allow it to live in such a condition.

Other members of the press and public criticize suggestions to “destroy” the car, noting that the vehicle had no choice in its creation.

“This sort of thing shouldn’t be happening anymore,” continued Donovan. “We thought we had bred them enough generations away from the old Hummers, but I guess we were wrong. Now this little guy has to pay; he doesn’t even know where he’s at.”

General Motors, eager to get this issue behind them has promised to give the car to a nice family who “lives out in the country”.

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Thursday, May 1, 2008

Katz Can Has Publik Education

Washington, D.C.- The Federal government has passed a bill making attendance at accredited schools mandatory for the nation’s grossly under-educated cats.

The legislation is in response to evidence that cats, nationwide, demonstrate terrible grammar and spelling skills. Law makers cited websites such as as basis for their concern over feline education.

Leader of the LOLcats committee, Daniel Berman, explained to congress the dire situation of the “LOLcats” phenomenon.

“The matter has gone on so long without being acknowledged; it seems as if many people actually think this is a joke,” explained Berman. “People post images of their cats all over the internet. These images are often accompanied by captions illustrating how clearly ignorant the cats are.”

Many lawmakers believe that the problem has gone on too long. Suggestions were made that lack of education is the most prominent factor in the rising feline violent crime rate.

“Citizens of this nation, cat owners, are engaging in blatantly negligent behavior.” Berman continued, “We don’t need to regulate guns; we need to get these cats in school and off the streets.”

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