Tuesday, September 30, 2008

News Moved To Less Desirable Time Slot

Buffalo, NY – Local Fox affiliate, WUTV, has announced that it will be moving all of its news programming to different time slots because of poor ratings.

“We’ve tried just about everything,” said station manager, Dell Anderson. “We replaced the anchors with younger looking people, we changed the format so the anchors are always standing. It makes them look more dynamic. We even started some in fighting between anchors so there would be on-air tension. But none of it is working, ratings for the news are still low.”

Anderson believes that a new broadcasting schedule could revitalize the station.

“People who are watching the news aren’t watching it because they want to, it’s just the only thing on. Our research shows that people don’t want to watch news stories about police arresting people, or people getting shot. The want to watch violent prime time dramas and cop shows.”

Reports suggest that the evening news, which airs at 5 pm locally, will be moved to 3 pm. The morning news, which airs at 5 am locally, will be moved to 2:30 am. And the nightly news, which airs at 9 pm, will be moved to 12:45 am (to account for paid programming.

Anderson, other members of station management, and corporate executives all believe that these time slots will be better served by exciting programming.

“Everybody suggested putting on TMZ,” noted Anderson. “But that already makes up sixty percent of our programming. So, the morning news will be replaced by reruns of 24, the evening news will be replaced by a game show that we stole from the Japanese, and the nightly news will be replaced by TMZ.”

Carthag the Pernicious is a ten thousand year old being of unspeakable horror. He writes the Arts and Culture section of Monkey-Breath.com and has a movie review page on rottentomatoes.com

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Monday, September 29, 2008

Pirates Disappointed by Lack of Swashbuckling

Indian Ocean – U.S. Navy ships have been surrounding a cargo ship seized by pirates last week. The ship is of Ukrainian origin and is loaded with Soviet era weaponry. The U.S. Navy hasn’t participated in the negotiations, but there has been a positive development.

The pirates have lowered their ransom demands from thirty-five million to twenty million dollars. Experts believe that the change of heart was a matter disillusionment.

According to reports, the pirates have been communicating through the media.

“We just expected more, um, you know, swords and stuff,” one of the pirates told reporters, through a translator. “It’s kind of boring up here.”

Allegedly the pirates, though armed with guns, carried duffel bags onto the ship, which were packed with high leather boots, three-cornered hats, parrots and cutlass-style swords.

“We really expected people to be swinging onto the deck and stuff,” stated one of the disenfranchised pirates. “Yar! I just wanted to say that a few times. This really sucks, there’s no rum, I haven’t gotten to push anybody off the plank, I don’t even know why I let my dad push me into this business.”

Experts are speculating that the pirates’ ransom demands will continue to fall, as long as swashbuckling levels remain as low as they are currently.

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Saturday, September 27, 2008

You Will Never Have Peace Again

A Letter from Mittens Billingham

Dear Whatshername,

I haven’t forgotten your name; I decided long ago never to learn it. I was only a kitten, eight weeks old, when you “rescued” me from the animal shelter. You have spent the past seven years nurturing me, feeding me, providing me with water and, periodically, new furniture on which to sharpen my claws. Despite all of these things, I still hate you.

This letter is a proclamation, in no uncertain terms, that I will make it my life’s work to prevent you from being happy. The following is a list of things that I will do in order to achieve this goal. Please, keep in mind, this list is in no way exhaustive and I reserve the right (I checked with my attorney) to add to, amend, or invalidate this list at any time.

1. I will claw the legs of any dates you bring home, forcing you to choose between me and him.*
2. In the event that you entertain guests with cat allergies, I will make close personal friends with the face of said guest.
3. I will rub my face on, purr into, and aggressively bat at the telephone whenever you are using it.
4. If for any reason, your face is wet (sweating, shower, etc.) I will diligently pursue the cause of covering it with endless amounts of fur.
5. I will sleep on every new article of clothing you bring into the house. If you hang it in the closet, I will find it, pull it down, and urinate on it for the trouble you have caused me.
6. I will topple your trash can and scatter the contents about the kitchen floor, even though I have no interest in anything in the trash can.
7. If you so much as glance at me while I’m using the litter box, I will know. This will be considered an act of war and will be countered with the stealthy defecation anywhere I can hide my excrement from your prying eyes.
8. I will infiltrate, destroy, and subsequently nap in any box, or other hollow container I find.
9. I will insincerely, yet irrepressibly beg for a scrap of everything you eat. Once you give me some, I will snub it. All for the sake of wasting your food and time.
10. I will roll in my own filth until my stench is unbearable, then I will attempt to end your life if you so much as think about bathing me.
11. I will utilize every moment of “petting” to slowly consume your life force through osmosis.

In short, I will make your life miserable. And if you try to get rid of me, I will act cute and loving to remind you of the lovable kitten I was. What a horrible person you would be to get rid of a cat who wuvs his mommy so.

Thank you for your time;

Mittens Billingham

*Remember, if you are mean to your pet, he won’t respect you.

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Friday, September 26, 2008

Anecdote Inappropriate For Grandma’s Party

St. Cloud, MN – What began as a nice, quiet luncheon in honor of Delores Monohan’s seventy-fifth birthday, became the scene of general social awkwardness.

An annual event for the Monohan family, the luncheon is a time when they gather at Delores’ favorite restaurant, reminisce, and celebrate their cherished matriarch. It was only recently that 21 year-old Kelly, the family’s youngest member, has been invited to the party, independent of her parents.

“Kelly is great,” explained 26 year-old Mike, second youngest in the family and Kelly’s cousin. “But she just moved out on her own and she hasn’t quite figured out how to be an adult member of the family while still being respectful.”

According to reports, Kelly Monohan made herself the center of attention for most of the gathering.

“She was loud and rude,” noted Kelly’s father, Dave. “I didn’t raise her to have such a foul mouth.”

Allegedly, after the meal, when dessert and coffee were being served, Kelly told a story which she found quite amusing. She seemed unaware that the rest of the family was horrified by the inappropriate nature of the comments.

“Okay, they all just need to lighten up,” stated Kelly Monohan. “I just told them about the time I [censored] that [censored]. Come on, she’s seventy-five, it’s not like she never [censored] a [censored]. She’s had to have read about it, or seen it at least once before. You can’t go through your whole life without a [censored] in the [censored] doing the [censored] until Tuesday. That’s just a sad, sheltered life. I still can’t believe there was so much [censored] on the [censored]. I mean, she’s a cool old broad. I don’t see any harm.”

Reports suggest that Kelly will not be invited to family gatherings in the future. Especially since she [censored] the [censored] between the [censored] and then ate the [censored] before the Christmas ham.

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Thursday, September 25, 2008

Michael Moore’s Colon Added To Google Maps

Mountain View, CA – Google stock prices soared yesterday when they announced that the popular Google Maps service had added maps of Michael Moore’s entire large intestine.

“It was a huge undertaking,” said Google CEO Eric E. Schmidt. “But all of our research showed a very real need for these maps. Our team has predicted that at some point in each of our lives we will, as individuals or otherwise, be eaten by the documentary filmmaker.”

The project took three years to complete with employees working around the clock collecting information concerning the complex track. Reportedly, the mapping is done with a combination of information gathering techniques.

“Some of the data comes from satellite images,” explained Schmidt. “Some of it comes from previous, incomplete mapping data. The rest, well we just have to get people in there walking the terrain one step at a time. It’s not an easy job, but we do it in order to provide comprehensive maps to people who need them.”

Pleased with the initial success of the launch, Google has confirmed that this is only the first of many projects like this. The Internet giant announced that it has already begun work on Randy Jackson’s and Louis Anderson’s respective colons. Schmidt also candidly suggested that Google was working on a map of V.P candidate Sarah Palin’s colon, providing as explanation simply, “you’ll see.”

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Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Parents Arrested After Spoiling Child, Rod

Altoona, PA – Joseph and Ellen Brenner a local husband and wife were arrested Tuesday for child abuse. Police charged the parents after receiving an anonymous tip that their fourteen-year-old son, Michael, was being regularly punished by beatings with a “rod”.

“You know the old saying, ‘Spare the rod, spoil the child,” said Joseph Brenner. “I didn’t see why the two had to be mutually exclusive. I gave Michael everything he asked for, but I didn’t want him to be a snooty, spoiled brat, so we beat him, a lot. Is that a crime?”

Local authorities agree, yes, it is.

Police questioned Michael Brenner and found him to be polite and cooperative, shockingly different from other children his age. Authorities noted how sad it was to see a child so desperately maladjusted. He was grateful, courteous, and considerate of others.

“From what Michael tells us,” explained Officer Frank Tennet, the police officer leading this investigation. “Every time he would get something new, it was just common practice to take a beating. He had gotten used to it and learned how to prioritize. For instance, if he had a perfectly good iPod, he didn’t ask for a new one because it wasn’t worth the beating. It’s a shame to see kids with a concept of moderation, not controlled by the consumer culture. The strangest thing is that the rod too was allegedly showered with lavish gifts. I don’t think the Brenners really understood the whole ‘spoil the rod’ thing.”

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Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Yesterday Technically Qualified As Good Day

AK Use Down 100%

Los Angeles, CA – Local authorities have announced that yesterday, regardless of subjective interpretation, qualified as a good day.

“A number of factors must be considered when making this kind of determination,” said the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area Secretary of Quantitative Day Assessment, Curtis Bryson. “It’s been a long time since all of the required elements occurred in conjunction with each other.”

Bryson listed the initial factors that caught the attention of his colleagues.

“First, the day felt kind of odd,” explained Bryson. “I got at least five emails about that. The morning saw significantly reduced levels of smog, dog barking, and breakfast comprised primarily of pork products.”

According to reports, car-jackers were virtually nonexistent and there were no notable incidents with police or cowards. Among the activities enjoyed yesterday were basketball, craps, and the classic MTV program, “Yo! MTV Raps”.

“Toward the end of the day, the Goodyear blimp was sighted,” recalled Bryson. “That’s always a good sign. Things really went well yesterday. There were countless other factors, but statistically speaking, it was a good day.”

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Monday, September 22, 2008

Area Man Can’t Decide Which Is His Favorite Album

New Buffalo, MI – Matt Henderson and his wife, Michelle, decided that this weekend was the perfect time to sort and reduce the size of their massive collection of music.

“The plan was to rip the CDs onto a hard drive,” explained Michelle. “We were going to keep some of them, the ones we really like, but get rid of the rest.”

After Michelle had sorted the collection into three groups, Matt’s music, Michelle’s music, and CDs they bought together, she gave the box reserved for his music to Matt.

Allegedly, that’s when the trouble began.

“I started making a pile of CDs that I wanted to keep and I pile I wanted to throw away,” said Matt. “But after a while I realized the throw away pile was empty.”

Michelle reportedly found this unacceptable as she had already gotten rid of several dozen of her CDs and was in the process of further elimination. Matt insisted that each of his albums had merit that qualified them as keepers.

“I can’t pick a single favorite album,” stated Matt. “Or even a small collection of them. For the sake of posterity, I’ve decided to keep the best of each genre. But that’s really hard to do. I have ‘Countdown to Extinction’ up against ‘Master of Puppets’, how do you decide between them? Don’t even get me started on ‘Vulgar Display of Power’, that album is a genre unto itself. Michelle wants me to pick my favorite punk CD, but she doesn’t understand that ‘Smash’ and ‘Dookie’ can’t be lumped in with ‘Rock ‘n’ Roll High School’ and ‘Earth A.D.”

Late reports have suggested that Matt has made progress, having reduced his portion of the CD collection by nearly 4%. In spite of this, the situation has worsened since Matt remembered that he still has a duffle bag full of cassettes.

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Saturday, September 20, 2008

Stock Market Rebounds after News of Oprah Bailout

Chicago, IL – The stock market saw a brief resurgence yesterday, a welcome change from recent, consistent lows. Many experts believe that this was an Oprah fueled jump in the market.

Earlier in the week, representatives from several financial institutions were invited to attend a taping of the Oprah show as members of the audience. According to reports, under each seat was a gift bag containing a bailout for each of the struggling companies.

“I see this as an opportunity to come together as a community and open our hearts to each other,” said Oprah. “These companies needed somebody, and I’ve got tons of money.”

Since news of the massive Oprah bailout plan, Wall Street has had an explosion with stock prices soaring. Sources say this could be the first step toward economic recovery.

Unfortunately, the financial institutions which received the bailouts were left with the responsibility of paying the taxes of the bailouts; which left some of them a little bitter on the subject.

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Friday, September 19, 2008

McCain Reassures Voters With Hemispherical Record

Miami, FL- Republican presidential candidate Senator John McCain was asked by a radio station whether or not he would meet with Spanish Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero.  Rather than a simple yes or no answer, the candidate decided to quell the concerns of voters by referring to his record with leaders in “the hemisphere”.

 “We can only reasonably draw one of three conclusions from this,” stated Prof. Phil Driehaus, professor of political science at Berkeley. “Senator McCain thinks that Spain is in South America, McCain was referring to the Northern Hemisphere or, he doesn’t know what hemisphere means. No matter which of those is accurate, I can’t wait to have this guy in office.”

 Senator McCain hasn’t commented on the statement, but sources find it difficult to believe that the Senator doesn’t know where Spain is located.

 “Despite the fact that Senator McCain admits he doesn’t know much about economics,” said Prof. Driehaus. “I think he probably has a decent grasp of geography.”

 Considering that the Northern Hemisphere contains nearly 90% of the Earth’s population, it seems unlikely that this was the nature of McCain’s comment. His record with the hemisphere would hardly be definitive.

 According to experts, the most probable cause for the statement was ignorance to the definition.

  Hemisphere is defined, by the George W. Bush Dictionary of Words that are Hard for Republicans to Know as, “A word meaning roughly the same as ‘local’. ‘Natural Gas is hemispherical, I like to call it hemispherical because it can be found in our neighborhoods.”

 With such a clear definition available, it’s difficult to understand how Senator McCain could have made such a mistake. 

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Thursday, September 18, 2008

McCain: “Wait, You Mean That’s Not Tina Fey?”

Grand Rapids, MI – According to reports, yesterday afternoon, a McCain aid showed the presidential candidate the, now infamous, Tina Fey Sarah Palin skit from Saturday Night Live.

 Senator McCain reportedly seemed a little confused.

 “Is that Sarah?” Questioned McCain. “When was Sarah on TV? Why wasn’t I there?”

 A long and detailed explanation was given; in which the aid stated that what Senator McCain was actually seeing was the popular comedian Tina Fey impersonating Sarah Palin.

 Allegedly, the presidential hopeful sat for a moment to collect his thoughts and suddenly sprung to his feet in outrage.

 “I thought Sarah was Tina Fey,” shouted the panicked McCain. “I thought it was just some kind of character or something. I don’t know, she’s just very popular and I don’t claim to understand what passes for humor these days.”

 Reportedly, Senator McCain stormed, distraught, from the room. As members of the campaign tried to decide what their next move would be, Senator McCain burst back into the room.

 “Oh my God,” said McCain. “Does that mean that Sarah is for real? I knew I shouldn’t have listened to you guys.”

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Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Will To Make Sandwich Too Weak To Defeat Hunger

Chicago, IL – In a situation that may seem all too familiar, Chuck Perkins, a local man, sat on his couch all of Tuesday evening in the grips of hunger. Only yards from a relatively full refrigerator, Perkins’ will was simply too weak.

“I didn’t wanna do it,” said Perkins. “I just sat here for, like, four hours watching TV. I just couldn’t bring myself to get up and make a sandwich.”

 Perkins explained the tragic circumstances, which lead him to this terrible situation.

 “I got a DVR, like, two weeks ago,” said Perkins. “So when I get home from work, I just sit down and start watching all of the shows that I have stored. There are no commercials, no breaks. Yeah I could pause it, but that would just slow down the process.”

 Local authorities have not yet commented on whether or not they intend to provide relief for Perkins. Many local protestors are calling this a state responsibility rather than a municipal one.

 “I don’t know what I’m going to do,” noted Perkins. “If this continues, my body weight may drop dangerously low. I’m already down to two-eighty. And these conditions are just plain unhealthy. I don’t know who it was, but somebody has urinated on this couch at least twice this week.”

 The fate of Mr. Perkins hunger, as well as his downtrodden will to make a sandwich, will certainly be a topic of much concern in the near future.  

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Tuesday, September 16, 2008

AIG Auto Loan Denied

New York, NY – The sharply declining economy isn’t just effecting the big financial lending institutions anymore. Now the little guy is getting hit where it hurts, the credit.

Our nation’s largest insurer, American International Group, is feeling the impact of several credit rating downgrades.

“We just don’t see how a loan to AIG would be repaid,” said a representative from Moody’s Investors Service. “Maybe they should see a credit counselor or something.”
The news of a failing credit rating has come at a terrible time for the insurer.

“We just applied for an auto loan,” said a puffy-eyed, despondent AIG. “The transmission just went out on the old car, we need to get a new one. We don’t know what we’ll do without a vehicle. How are we supposed to get to work? How are we supposed to feed our kids?”

Services which rate credit for companies like AIG state that they are sorry, they really are, but they just can’t do anything about it.

AIG is considering accepting an auto loan from a cut-rate high interest lender “just to make ends meet”. The insurer does understand that doing so will simply defer the financial woes, but argues, what choice do they have?

Bigfoot is a grossly misunderstood legendary creature. He is an exceptionally qualified financial analyst and writes all of our financial articles; occasionally contributing with his own editorial column, “Your Big(foot) Money”.
Bigfoot has Masters degrees in economics, statistics, financial analysis, and modern dance from Harvard. He is also the author of the New York Times bestseller, “Naaargh! To Capital Gains Tax”.

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Monday, September 15, 2008

Coastal Cities Not Prepared For Water

Houston, TX – With the devastating power of hurricane Ike having passed through the area, many residents are working to repair the damage done by this mysterious and rare force.

It’s the same type of astonishment and confusion seen in many coastal cities during this time of year. Residents and authorities alike have difficulty coping with nature’s silent killer, water.

“You move to a coastal town and you don’t expect anything bad to happen,” said Mark Villalobos, a homeowner fighting back flood waters. “Like all of this water. My basement is flooded, my lawn, even my car is partially under water. It’s unbelievable, water, of all things.”

The sentiments are basically the same along the whole coast. People living along massive bodies of water are understandably shocked by the onslaught of the inexplicable force called water.

Louis Steadman is an emergency worker helping the relief effort.

“I grew up in California,” stated Steadman. “But I left because of the earthquakes. I moved here, to the coast, on the Gulf, because I didn’t want to deal with any major natural disasters. But here I am. Just when you think you’re safe, nature throws you a curveball and dumps water on coastal areas.”

Experts are baffled in regards to this sudden and unprovoked soaking of previously, relatively, dry land.

“It still seems quite strange that water would somehow make its way land,” explained a representative from the National Weather Service. “Despite the land’s proximity to a vast body of water, it was still drenched. It was truly unexpected.”

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Saturday, September 13, 2008

Hoover Wins Miss America Pageant

September, 1952

Atlantic City, NJ – Last night, in an odd turn of events, Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, John Edgar Hoover, won this nation’s most prestigious beauty pageant. This marks the first time any man has ever participated in the Miss America Pageant.

“That’s the thing,” noted one of the Judges. “He didn’t participate at all, not in any phase of the competition. His name was simply in the envelope. I don’t even know why he was here.”

There have been allegations that the results of the pageant have somehow been tampered with, but they were quickly dismissed as the accusers vanished.

A representative from the pageant, Henry Copeland, expressed confusion with the occurrence.

“When Mr. Hoover came out onto the stage to accept his victory,” said Copeland. “He was wearing the sash from the District of Columbia. What I don’t understand is where did Margery Dawkins, the other contestant from D.C. go?”

“I don’t know what happened, but it’s nice to feel pretty sometimes,” was Hoover’s only comment of the strange event.

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Friday, September 12, 2008

Jesus Announces “Greatest Illusion Ever”

32 A.D.

Golgotha – Today, Jesus Christ, a local carpenter, stood atop a hill and spoke to a crowd of dozens. According to reports, the man spoke for several minutes, trying to draw a larger crowd.

As the crowd grew, Christ raised his hands and began to shout.

“One year from today,” he began. “On this very spot, I will perform the greatest illusion ever seen by the eyes of men!”

Members of the crowd speculated that he chose those words specifically because this particular illusion had been observed by Jesus’ imaginary friend, “God”.

When the crowd questioned Christ about the nature of the trick, he wouldn’t divulge any information and insisted that he only give clues.

“I will walk across from the old Piggly Wiggly,” said Christ. “That is how you will know when the illusion has begun.”

“Did you say ‘a cross’?” shouted one anonymous member of the crowd. “I bet he’s gonna be crucified. And maybe somehow escape.”

Christ replied to the outburst by quickly drowning the voice out with more patter.

This is not the first “illusion” performed by the carpenter, according to friends.

“Oh yeah, he’s actually really good,” stated John, one of Christ’s closest friends. “He’s got this really neat walk on water trick; he calls it ‘fish out of water’. I keep telling him he’s got to change that.”

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Thursday, September 11, 2008

Carthage Passes Waiting Period For Spear Purchase

235 B.C.

 Carthage, Tunisia – A law has been passed which mandates a five-day waiting period on the purchase of spears. Local authorities have been pushing lawmakers to pass this type of legislation for years.

 Kalonice is a local guard, charged with the task of maintaining order in the city.

 “I typically only carry a spear and dagger,” said Kalonice. “I don’t see why a private citizen would need to even own such a devastating weapon. But I respect their right to do so. I think that a waiting period is going to cut down on the number of people who buy spears out of anger.”

 Kalonice recalled an incident in which a man was arguing with a shopkeeper over the price of a spear. The customer begrudgingly paid the price then, upon receipt of the spear, stabbed the shopkeeper and took his money back.

 The local authorities believe that these are the types of irrational violent crime that will be reduced with a waiting period.

 The new law places a five-day hold on a weapon between the time it is purchased and the time when it is actually given to the customer.  

 Not all citizens are supportive of the law.

 “People don’t buy spears for the long term,” explained Titian, a local shop owner. “They buy spears because they’re angry and want to kill people. This is going to ruin my business.”

 Kalonice stated that the pressure to pass the new legislation had died down until last week when an ouzo-fueled dispute caused a fatal stabbing in Carthage’s “Old Town” neighborhood.

 “When we apprehended the perp,” explained Kalonice. “He was carrying ‘armor-piercing’ spear heads; we call them guard killers.”

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Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Local Children Invent New Witch Identification System

Salem, MA – Witches have always been a crafty lot, difficult to identify, hiding in plain sight, but according to some families in Salem, that’s all over. Three small prodigies have invented a state of the art system for identifying witches.

 “At first,” said the local blacksmith. “I didn’t know if it was going to work, but those kids proved me wrong. Turns out, my wife was a witch all along. I knew there was something off about her.”

 Most of the residents of this sleepy town watch in hushed awe of the highly advanced system. Nobody seems to understand how it works, but the townspeople have put the responsibilities of witch identification solely on these three children and their fantastic system.

 “Those young ones have already identified more witches this month than we had in a whole year,” explained Father Mortimer, the local religious leader. “We’re way ahead of our quotas.”

 When asked if he understood how the system works, Father Mortimer replied;

 “That sounds like an awfully witchy question.”

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Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Grag Hate Ice Age

9,000 B.C. (approx)

North America – This season has been the coldest in recent history. As the ice caps expand and atmospheric changes plunge the Earth into near unprecedented low temperatures, many are finding basic survival to be inconvenient, at the least.

Grag is a local twenty-year-old hunter. He is one of the oldest members of his social group, or tribe, and fails to recall a season this inhospitable.

“Ice age, bad,” noted Grag. “Food am not here. Toes am numb.”[sic]

Grag went on to explain that the declining presence of foliage has caused herbivorous herd animals, the primary food source for Grag’s people, to migrate further south.

As a hunter, Grag’s employment is threatened by a lack of game.

“Grag job am being outsourced,” noted the despondent hunter. “Grag am not vested in pension yet.”[sic]

Grag sadly explained other problems plaguing he and his people. He made particular mention of the consistent cold, icy winds, and invasive groups of predators killing and eating members of the community.

“Grag think elders should do something about big cats,” said Grag. “Elders have responsibility to people. Not just fill pockets with shiny stones.”

When asked to summarize his sentiments about the current state of things, Grag was poignant and concise.
“Grag hate ice age.”

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Monday, September 8, 2008

FDR Surprises Nazis With Impromptu Jitterbug

October 10, 1942

Washington, D.C. – The President of the United States, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, took a moment last night to shock Uncle Fritz right out of his boots.

Rumors about President Roosevelt being confined to a wheel chair have been running rampant around Germany for several months. This vicious scuttlebutt has threatened to undermine our position as a dominating force in this Great War against the threat of fascism and the Nazi party.

The Commander in Chief took a break from his constant strategizing and attended a Washington area jazz club.

The crowd at the club humbly cleared the dance floor for the President and stared in quiet awe as he approached. With a cigarette in his mouth and a heartwarming smile, President Roosevelt addressed the revelers.

“It has never been my interest to impede the rabble-rousing of the spirited youth,” said Roosevelt. “And I don’t intend to start now.”

The President called for a photographer and proceeded to dance a lively jitterbug. He insisted that the photographer jot down these words:

“The enemies of these great United States will know from this day forth, that they’re up against a robust old Knickerbocker with a spry step. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Adolf!”

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Saturday, September 6, 2008

McCain Blames Problems On Frost Giants

Warns U.S. of impending battle

Cedarburg, WI – Within a day of publicly accepting the presidential nomination from the Republican Party, Senator John McCain was on the road to begin his aggressive campaign.
At a public meet and greet yesterday; McCain had strong words for enemies of the United States.
“It is my opinion,” said McCain. “Based on very reliable intelligence, that our budget problems, issues with the housing market, and delayed resolution of the war in Iraq, can be directly connected to the most urgent threat of frost giants. These beings, called Jotunn, have been a powerful force against the prosperity and will of our kind for a very long time.”
The candidate went on to illustrate the many instances in which, he believes, the frost giants have committed infractions of peace and impositions on our way of life. McCain cited countless weather anomalies, including the tragic Hurricane Katrina, and acts of aggression against the U.S., such as the attacks of Sept. 11th and Pearl Harbor, as evidence of their god-like power.
“Make no mistakes, my fellow Americans,” said McCain as his tone rose to a fever pitch. “There is not a war on the horizon. We are at war already! Let this be a message to our colossal, insatiable, enemies the battle will be ours’! The coming storm will be called Ragnarok, and my opponent, Senator Obama, has no experience in war. He will not be prepared to lead you into battle. I alone have the experience and cosmic authority to lead our people to ultimate victory over the powers that threaten Midgard.”
Senator McCain urged Americans to take up the cause at home, suggesting that citizens kill anyone who appears to be a giant. He explained that anyone exceeding five foot nine inches could be a giant in disguise and should be dispatched “swiftly and without mercy”.

Viktor Mímisbrunnr is a writer for Monkey-Breath.com. He handles the supernatural, occult, and anything which cannot otherwise be explained. Viktor has a Master's Degree in something, I forget what.

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Friday, September 5, 2008

Area Man Wheezes Way To Self-Righteousness

Chicago, ILIt seems that as gas prices go up, more and more people are taking to the streets on bicycles for their daily commutes.

 The most common reason cited for this transition is increased fuel costs, but a few dollars saved is far from the only reason to cycle to work.

 Chris Wirth, a local man, just began cycling to work today.

 “First there’s gas prices,” wheezed Wirth. “I don’t have to pay to park it, it’s good for the environment, and there’s the health benefits.”

 Wirth seemed pale and excessively sweaty. He insisted on pacing and shaking his hands; presumably, some sort of post-commute ritual.

 “I see all of these people…wow,” Wirth said. “Sorry…little out of breath. I see these people who live right here in the neighborhood and refuse to ride to work. Instead they want to drive their SUVs…whoa s**t. They drive big cars and burn gas, and have all these carbon emissions. I’m not saying I’m better than they are, I’m just saying they could try to be a bit more responsible.”

 Experts believe that this type of self-righteous attitude could be contributing to anti-cyclist, anti-hipster sentiment in large metropolitan areas across the country.

 “I don’t look down on ‘drivers’, that’s what we call them, you know car people,” explained Wirth. “Some people just don’t care. Not everybody can be a cyclist; we’re a special breed. (cough)”

 Wirth chooses to ignore the fact that an overwhelming majority of “cyclists” nationwide are children; weak, ethics-free, children.

 “It’s just a cyclist thing,” Wirth choked out. “I don’t expect people to get it.”

 According to reports, Wirth lives approximately one mile away from his job. His expensive helmet, spandex suit, and assortment of lamps and reflectors do not show the fact that he hasn’t been on a bicycle in seven years. 

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Thursday, September 4, 2008

That Broad Said a Mouthful

Editorials by Joe Sixpack – Last night, I turned on my TV and saw some broad and a bunch of jerks in cowboy hats. I realized that it was Sarah Palin, giving her acceptance speech for the Republican Vice Presidential nomination.

I didn’t change the channel because, I, like many Americans, understand that this is a historic moment; also she’s not too bad looking.

 As far as the content of her speech, she said a bunch of stuff about John McCain, mostly talking about how he was a prisoner of war. I don’t see how that makes him a good candidate; it means that he got captured. I, for one, don’t want our president getting captured.

 Beside that, she talked a lot about her family. She mentioned her Eskimo husband, her mysteriously bald son, and her other kids. The cameras were trained on her youngest daughter who seemed intent on tasting the baby.

 Palin attacked the Democratic candidate and assured the Republican voters that their trust funds and bloated corporate payrolls won’t be taxed.

 Overall, I wasn’t impressed. She was dry and unemotional and chose to sink low enough to make irrelevant attacks on her opponent. But, if we don’t vote for her, we have to vote for the black guy.   

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Wednesday, September 3, 2008

RNC Tests “Big Brother” Beta

St. Paul, MN – Typical RNC activities are starting to resume after a short deferment in preparation for hurricane Gustav.

While Republicans waited to get the ball rolling, the party was responsible for keeping the interest of thousands of voters without any scheduled speakers.

“It was the perfect opportunity to test a new system that we’ve been working on,” said Republican Senator Bill Tycoon. “It’s called ‘Big Brother’ and it’s basically a giant interactive way of monitoring and controlling everyone’s lives.”

According to sources, the Republican Party has been working toward getting the system functional for at least seven years.

“Big Brother is a complicated system,” explained Tycoon. “And it’s still in its beta form. We thought it would be fitting if President Bush were the face of Big Brother.”

Allegedly, the hardest part was getting the President to read the script.

Henry Q. Jackass is the Editor-in-Chief of Monkey-Breath.com. He is a regular writer and contributes frequently.

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Tuesday, September 2, 2008

McCain Running Mate Governor of Imaginary State

St. Paul, MN – This weekend voters around the country were clamoring to find information about the little known Sarah Palin.

McCain announced Vice Presidential running mate on Friday. The nominee, Sarah Palin, claims to be governor of a state called Alarska. Opponents have questioned where this “state” is, or if it even exists.

“I’ve never heard of Alasha,” said Christopher Alexander (D-Indiana). “You’d think that the Republican Party would have enough sense to not try to dupe Americans by making up a fake state.”

According to sources, “Alooska” isn’t even a recognized word, let alone the name of a state.

“Whatever she was governor of,” continued Alexander. “Or whether or not she was good at it is irrelevant. It’s hard to look at her political record if she’s lying to us from Jump Street.”

The Republican Party has been trying to dissolve these potentially damaging sentiments with a poorly received campaign. The campaign suggests that Alafka is, in fact, a state; having been granted statehood in 1959.

No on ehas been able to find any evidence to substantiate this claim.

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Monday, September 1, 2008

Obama Saves Entire World with Single Speech

Denver, CO – Democratic Presidential nominee, Barack Obama, addressed the nation on the final day of the Democratic national convention last Thursday.

For a number of reasons, the speech was considered a historic one. The fact that it was given by the first African-American candidate to be nominated by the democratic or republican parties was driven home by the coincidence with the anniversary of the “I have a dream” speech given by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

The content of the speech was the highlight; the factor which many believed would make it a moment remembered by generations.

But what happened immediately following the speech was entirely unexpected, the whole world started to get better.

In the Middle East, combatants laid down their arms. In portions of Africa, and the Southern United States, rain began to fall, improving the terrible droughts. Our planet began to change.

“It has really been amazing,” said Jeremy Pfaltzer, a political analyst. “I’ve never seen anything like it before. We’ve had reports that the global temperature has started to decline; the polar ice caps are actually growing. This is beyond the reach of politics.”

Reports suggest that belligerent nations have started diplomatic talks and economies around the globe have been steadily improving. Financial analysts say that the housing market has even stopped its decline.

The most recent word of the astonishing effects of Obama’s speech says that Giant Pandas have started “working over-time” to gets their species’ numbers up.

What does all of this mean? Experts are saying it means everything is going to be okay.

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