Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Runaway Train Takes Perfectly Predictable Route

Bismarck, ND- “It was very chaotic, I’ve never seen anything like it,” claimed Arthur Clancy, a shaken train conductor. Onlookers were mildly shocked last Thursday as a train barreled through their community, totally out of control.

Residents noted that it was not a daily occurrence, but wasn’t really anything to be worried about.

“Just stay out of its way,” stated Jeremy Brock, a local high school student. “It’s on rails, it’s not like it’s going to come into your house.”

Clancy, a 55 year old resident, who has been conducting freight trains through this area for over twenty years, was disturbed by the occurrence.

“The train was just going crazy,” explained Clancy. “This is a ‘slow zone’ for freighters; that was by far, the most erratic behavior I have ever seen from a train.”

Reports say that the loss of control was a result of mechanical failure and the crew resolved it quickly. Few people in the community even noticed the train’s “path of chaos”.

A representative of the railroad company commented.

“Sometimes you just don’t know what’s going to happen; trains are tricky machines. Our only saving grace is that there is exactly one variable in the operation of a train, speed. Once we got that under control everything falls into place.”

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Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Congress Regrets Getting A.R.M. On Capitol Building

Washington, D.C.- For the first time in American history, the federal government has to look sheepishly into the eyes of taxpayers and admit defeat. During the most recent real estate boom, Congress decided, unanimously, to refinance the Capitol building with the popular adjustable rate mortgage.

“It just seemed like a great idea, at the time,” explained a downtrodden Congressman. “We figured we’d be making more money by the time the rate increased.”

Now, like many Americans, Congress has to move out of their dream home because of a messy foreclosure.

“I blame those shady lenders,” said a member of the duped legislative body. “They just have no sense of decency; they’re the ones who should be foreclosed on!”

Many have criticized the government’s irresponsible spending habits in the past; this just adds more fuel to the fire.

“It is the responsibility of the consumer to make sure he or she is getting a good deal,” demanded an enraged political analyst. “Mature consumers know that salesmen will try to get one over on you! You need to read the fine print. This is taxpayer money. I expect they’re going to want taxpayers to bail them out too.”

As a whole, Congress has apologized for making a stupid decision, still insisting that it wasn’t their fault.

Policy makers have already imposed a veiled tax on bottled water and gasoline to pay for the repurchasing of the building.

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Monday, April 28, 2008

Is Anonymous Groping The New Dating?

New York, NY- As people’s professional lives become more and more hectic, social interaction inevitably suffers. During the second half of the twentieth century we saw the lengthy courting process turned into a brief interaction of only a few dates before consensual intimacy. That method quickly became too lengthy for busy young people.

The next big change was the introduction of speed dating; a system by which prospective dates would engage in thirty to sixty second conversations then switch to another partner.

A growing trend among innovative, lonely urban residents has gone one step further. The newest iteration of dating for busy people is called “anonymous groping”. It usually takes place in crowded urban areas such as public transportation, shopping centers and crowded cafes.

One advocate claims that it is exponentially more efficient than previous methods.

“You’d be amazed at how little interaction is required from the other person, to derive satisfaction,” stated the anonymous groper. “I’m busy, I don’t have time to talk to somebody or hang out with them. I just stand on the train, cop a few feels and go to work. It’s been working out really well for me.”

Another member of the AG community, typically the recipient, offered more encouraging comments.

“It’s not like you’re going to take the person home and have kids or anything, who has time for that? You’d be crazy to turn down a no-strings-attached ass grab while you’re checking your email on your blackberry.”

Proponents do admit that it is sometimes difficult to tell a willing participant from an unsuspecting commuter. With the rise of this kind of casual yet intimate communication there have been numerous reports from offended, up-tight recipients.

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Sunday, April 27, 2008

Evil Plot Thwarted by Super Flu

Portland, OR- Beware evil doers, there’s a new hero in town. A plot to hold the world hostage was forced to an abrupt end by the super flu.

Infamous Super villain, Niles Nefarious fell ill last week during the final stages of his evil plan to hold the entire world for ransom. Nefarious was hospitalized with a high fever, chills and flu-like symptoms.

Doctors report that this particular strain of flu is resistant to treatment and highly contagious, prompting authorities to call it a “super flu”. The CDC has issued a public statement encouraging villains, thugs and evil geniuses to get vaccinated.

“It (the flu) seems to be targeting those who pray on the weak and innocent,” suggested a representative from the Centers for Disease Control. “We think that this strain was born out of some childhood tragedy which must be avenged.”

As an illustration of his brilliance, Nefarious explained his plot to the ambulance driver as they drove toward the hospital. He noted resentfully that it would have worked too, if it weren’t for that meddling flu.

World leaders and concerned civilians have responded with a resounding, “thank you, super flu”.

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Saturday, April 26, 2008

Frog Runs for Congress on “It’s Not Easy Bein’ Green” Platform

Los Angeles, CA- Kermit the Frog announced today that he would be running for United States Congress in the upcoming election. He has taken a strong environmentalist stance using the campaign slogan, “It’s not easy bein’ green”.

Mr. Frog stated that the road to being truly eco-friendly is a long one with many difficult challenges. He urged Americans, as citizens of Earth, to meet the challenge head on. Suggesting that it’s not easy, but it is our responsibility.

Other noted environmentalists such as former Vice President Al Gore, have criticized the campaign; claiming, “…we want people to think it’s easy”.

Kermit the Frog cited his successes in a variety of other vocations as “real world” experience. Previously, he has hosted The Tonight Show, stood in for Larry King, covered breaking news from Fairy Tale land and served a brief stint as an astronaut.

The Green Party has yet to comment on the rumored affiliation with Mr. Frog.

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Friday, April 25, 2008

Childless Adults Celebrate “Bring Your Smug Self-Satisfaction to Work Day”

New York, NY- Yesterday, working parents and their children across the country participated in “Take our sons and daughters to work day”. Many adults who have chosen not to be parents feel that this is an exclusionist holiday illustrating the unfair treatment of childless individuals.

As a statement of moral equality, many non-parents have established “Bring your smug self-satisfaction to work day”.

“Just because they were a bunch of irresponsible breeders doesn’t mean we should have to deal with their kids,” noted Miles Austin, a 28 year old married man without children.

Vocal members of the childless adult community have suggested that they believe the act of having children to be selfish and irresponsible behavior. They have expressed concerns that overpopulation contributes to dire food and water shortages, fossil fuel consumption and other pertinent issues facing the world today.

As part of the celebration individuals ignored children of co-workers, took frequent cigarette breaks and engaged in objectionable conversation to alienate parents and their offspring.

“This celebration is kind of a big deal,” continued Austin. “There are all kinds of traditions; the telling of sexually explicit anecdotes, the cursing contest and the frivolous spending of disposable income. Really, lots of fun stuff. It’s a reward to us for being responsible and not ruining our lives.”

Opponents of the celebration proclaim that it is simply ignorance to the miracle of giving life that has inspired the “counter-holiday”. One childless participant replied, “It’s true, our weekly parties and frequent vacations are certainly tragic symptoms of our ignorance.”

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Thursday, April 24, 2008

Corporation to Shoplifters: How Are We Supposed To Feed Our Faceless Children?

Omaha, NE- Shoplifting is often considered a victimless crime, but the Faceless Corporation in Omaha has publicly challenged this misnomer.

The corporation issued a plea on its weblog directed at would-be shoplifters. The loss prevention division of the Faceless Corporation posted the blog earlier this week.

“It is detrimental to the shareholders, employees and management of this company that we must report such a high percentage of profit loss due to theft,” read the plea. “It has always been our goal to provide fairly priced products to our customers; this ability is compromised by this so-called ‘victimless crime.”

The Faceless Corporation was established in 1943, taking its name from William Jonathan Faceless, the company’s founder. At the time the company was called Faceless of Omaha and manufactured tank treads for the war effort.

The family owned business went public in 1967 being re-christened as the Faceless Corporation.

Arthur Faceless, current CEO of the Faceless Corporation, expressed genuine concern over losses from theft.

“I have three Faceless children. I am worried that I won’t be able to send them to college if this continues,” explained Faceless. “I mean, it’s not like they will be able to get by on their looks. Like me, my father and his father before him, they don’t have faces.”

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Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Pennsylvania: We Have Tons of Black Friends

Philadelphia, PA- Pennsylvania is defensive over the victory of Senator Hillary Clinton in the Presidential primary election. There have been no allegations, veiled or explicit, of Pennsylvanians being racist, but voters are declaring that Hillary’s victory had nothing to do with race.

“Seriously, I just thought that she was a better candidate,” proclaimed a Pennsylvania voter. “After I left the polling place, I got in my car and put on my Kanye West CD.”

The Pennsylvania primary was a pivotal election for the Democratic Party Presidential candidates; New York Senator Hillary Clinton and Illinois Senator Barack Obama. The victory for Sen. Clinton has increased hope for the possibility of the United States first female President in 2008.

“I was talking to my friend Louis, he’s black, and he said that I should vote for Hillary if I thought she was the best candidate,” explained Mike Newman, a Philadelphia polling official. “I knew he meant it, because he’s like my brother. No, I didn’t mean, ‘brother’ I mean we’re close, like brothers.”

Many Clinton supporters have suggested that a vote for Obama will make the voter “look like a racist who is just trying to cover it up”.

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Monday, April 21, 2008

Earth Depressed About “Yet another” Earth Day

Solar System, Milky Way- “It just means I’m a year older,” commented a down-in-the-dumps Earth. “I really don’t feel like celebrating.”

The Earth referred to the annual Earth Day as “just another day”. It noted that nothing ever changes; it simply gets closer to the inevitable day when the Earth will be swallowed by the sun.

Friends of the earth have tried to cheer it up by expressing their gratitude for billions of years of planetary efforts resulting in the current capability of sustaining carbon based life. There have been suggestions that the Earth “let loose and get wasted” or just “get out there and dance”.

The Earth maintains its stance that it doesn’t have the luster of other, more heavenly bodies. Earth told friends that it stopped counting years ago and no longer cares to celebrate the annual reminder of its aging.

Reportedly, friends are hoping that the festivities will “snap the Earth out of its funk”.

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Study Reveals: Smoking Cures Fitness

Seattle, WA- After decades of inconclusive testing medical researchers in Seattle have discovered a way to help millions of Americans afflicted with fitness. A year long clinical trial has produced definitive results indicating that smoking can dramatically reduce fitness levels.

Dr. Jules Gardener has made curing fitness his life’s work.

“It’s not something you’re born with,” said Gardener. “Many people are remarkably unfit in their youth and begin to show symptoms later in life.”

This breakthrough in fitness reducing drugs has given Dr. Gardener, and others like him, hope.

“It’s kind of funny,” suggested Dr. Gardener. “Smoking, the very thing that the media has been attacking, was the solution to such a serious problem. I hope those anti-tobacco lobbyists are happy with themselves; for once, victory goes to the tobacco companies.”

Allegedly, fitness is an increasingly rare, but severe condition brought on by certain lifestyle choices. Symptoms include feeling energized, regular heartbeat and the ability to walk up a flight of stairs without getting winded, according to the AMA.

Doctors tell us that contributing factors to fitness are increased mobility, reduced laziness and occasional to regular exercise; activities which Dr. Gardener cautions strongly against.

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Sunday, April 20, 2008

List of Side Effects Wholly Unnerving

Muncie, IN- “I was watching ‘American Idol’ and this commercial came on,” explained Louis Wilson, a 34 year old bricklayer. “The commercial was all like, ‘Millions of people have problems with seasonal allergies’ and I thought, ‘I did not know that.”

Wilson described a harrowing experience involving a commercial for a new allergy drug. Allegedly, the commercial offered him hope; it also had a list of side effects which made him uneasy.

“The commercial said that it could help me and that I should consult my doctor. I thought, ‘perhaps I should ask my doctor about that particular medication for my moderate to severe seasonal allergies,” continued Wilson. “Just when I was about to call my doctor, they started to list the side effects.”

The drug in question, Freecerta, is a medication prescribed for moderate to severe seasonal allergies. The drug’s manufacturer states that it was nearly twice as effective as a placebo in clinical trials. Side effects listed in the television commercial included, but were not limited to dry mouth, fatigue, increased blood pressure, loss of libido, nausea, vomiting, stroke, urinary incontinence, vertigo, oneness with the universe, and increased appetite. A small percentage of people using the drug have reported a distinct feeling of death.

Wilson reported being particularly concerned with the “oneness with the universe” side effect as he is Catholic, and “those kinds of things aren’t looked upon too kindly by the church.”

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Saturday, April 19, 2008

War in Iraq Actually Elaborate Radio Drama

CBS Issues Public Apology

New York, NY-
A somber apology was given this morning by CBS President, Leslie Moonves.

“We would like everyone to know that our intent was not to cause such panic. It is, and always has been, our duty to provide engaging, quality entertainment to the people of this great nation.”

The apology was regarding the long-running radio drama known to CBS employees as “The War in Iraq”. The series debuted in March of 2003. The story was immediately reported by other news outlets and many Americans believed it to be true.

“We thought that the drama had elements which were too outrageous to believe, such as an American President blatantly disobeying the will of Congress and the United Nations. We expected that the public would spot it as fiction,” Moonves explained his actions. “It was irresponsible of us, as a respected news outlet, and I apologize.”

The drama ran for over five years. It included stories of huge troop mobilization, liberation of the Iraqi people and an impossible “war on terror”, similar to the war on communism.

Portions of the story accepted as fact by the public included; the trial of Sadam Hussein, the alienation of the United States from other countries, and the re-election of George W. Bush.

Since making the public declaration, Moonves has promised to work tirelessly to “get America caught up on all of the things that we missed”.

News outlets across the country have criticized the “unethical” move, noting that a similar panic was caused by CBS Radio during the Orson Welles directed, “War of the Worlds” broadcast in 1938.

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Friday, April 18, 2008

Special Edition: Chicago Cubs Preemptively Blame Bad Season On Earthquake

Chicago, IL- Many Chicago residents reported feeling tremors from an earthquake which occurred in West Salem, IL, at approximately 4:37 am this morning. Members of the Cubs organization, as well as fans of the team have indicated the seismic activity as the cause of the team’s poor performance in the upcoming baseball season.

“The whole goat thing was getting kind of tired,” explained a public relations representative from the team. “We had the Bartman issue a couple of years back, but we can’t risk waiting for something like that to happen again. If it doesn’t happen, blame for the poorly played season will fall on the team’s management and coaching staff.”

The Chicago Cubs have a history of being a superstitious organization, suggesting that numerous “jinxes” have been responsible for their legendary losing streak.

Fans of the team were quick to define this morning’s earthquake as a bad omen; many of them posting on message boards within minutes of the tremor. Reportedly, the post that started it all came from NrthSder81.

“No matter what happens in the 08 season,” read the instigating post. “We can all take comfort in the fact that the Cubbies could have played better. The only reason they didn’t win the series (this upcoming year) is because they were cursed by the earthquake.”

Opponents of the “cop-out” have noted that the team was nowhere near Wrigley Field at the time of the tremor and that no injuries or structural damage have been reported in Chicago.

Superstitious members of the Cubs clubhouse and fans remain unconvinced.

“It’s just so typical,” stated a concerned fan. “Every time they (the Cubs) have a real shot at a good season, something terrible and unavoidable gives them the bad mojo; maybe next year.”

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Mr. Spock Makes Perfectly Logical Argument for “Kiddie Porn”

San Francisco, CA- “You just can’t argue with flawless Vulcan logic,” desperately stated Jonathan Cobb, the prosecutor assigned to the child pornography trial of Star Fleet Officer, Mr. Spock.

Prosecutors allege that Spock had dozens of files on the hard drive of his personal computer which can be considered, by the state of California, as child pornography. He was charged as part of a large “sting” operation involving multiple suspects.

Mr. Spock is the only suspect charged who has yet to be sentenced. Each time he has been brought up on charges, the prosecution has called for a mistrial on basis of his inhuman ability to reason.

“We just can’t sway the jury,” explained Cobb. “As soon as we have the Jury on our side, the defense calls Spock to the stand and he just unravels our whole argument. He never gets tripped up; this guy could argue his way out of anything.”

The details of the trial are being withheld from the media, but it is highly likely that Spock will walk out of the courtroom a free man.

Cobb pointed out, “As despicable as I think his actions were, he made a really logical argument and I can see it from his point of view.”

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Thursday, April 17, 2008

Poll Shows Sneetches Divided in Obama/Clinton Race

As the Pennsylvania primary election approaches with the Indiana primary close behind, tension is growing between the candidates for Democratic Party Presidential nominee.

Just as other special interest groups have had a dramatic impact on delegate control the Sneetch vote will likely be the deciding factor in the closing months of the race. Experts have predicted that the Star bellied Sneetches, a group known for their conservative views, would vote for Senator Clinton; while Bare bellied Sneetches, a group primarily concerned with civil rights and economic equality, would vote for Senator Obama.

A recent poll by the Associated Press suggests that the issue isn’t as clear cut as anticipated. The poll shows Obama leading 52% over Clinton’s 45%; with a negligible percentage belonging to write-in candidate Sylvester McMonkey McBean.

Senator Obama’s controversial statements regarding “bitter” financially disenfranchised voters were expected to create dissent among Bare bellied Sneetch voters. The poll’s results suggest that the level of support for Obama remains unchanged among Bare bellies. Experts cite Senator Obama’s plea for racial tolerance as the reason for such devoted support.

Star bellied Sneetches seem to be more influenced by the candidates’ views regarding immigration and Capitol gains tax.

The Sneetches became a powerful voting body in the early 1960s when a massive immigration brought thousands of Sneetches to the U.S. in search of social equality. The movement has been called the “Star Rush” in reference to the stars imprinted on the bellies of some Sneetches. The star is the defining element in their complicated social caste system.

The Democratic Party sees the Sneetch vote as a pivotal tool in the upcoming Presidential election. The Party fears that nomination of “the wrong candidate” will push Sneetch votes to the Republican candidate.

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Wednesday, April 16, 2008

President Bush Embarrassed by “Crazy, Foreign” Friend

Washington, D.C.- President Bush was spotted yesterday picking up a friend from the airport.

“You’ll have to forgive him, everybody,” explained President Bush. “He’s foreign.”

The President wore a black suit and seemed to be nothing but professional; while his friend wore garish white robes and gesticulated wildly as he spoke. President Bush attributes the outrageous behavior of his companion as evidence of cultural differences.

“I mean, he doesn’t really even speak English,” noted the President. “Most of the time it’s just funny talk. But he’s a nice guy and he makes me laugh. I wish everyone would just give him a break.”

Reports suggest that President Bush hurried his friend to the White House to avoid contact with the media. Allegedly, the President cancelled his plans to eat out; instead opting to stay in for a quiet dinner at home.

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Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Special Edition: Police Shoot another Cougar on Chicago’s North Side

Chicago, IL- Helen Meyers knows what she wants; getting shot by police is not it. She was shot by Chicago police last night and is currently in stable condition recovering from the wound.

The Roscoe Village neighborhood has been in an uproar lately over reports of cougar sightings. The wild cat was located by police and shot dead on Monday. However, according to police, the threat wasn’t neutralized. Several residents reported seeing a cougar on the prowl after the cat was killed.

Meyers is a 52 year old real estate agent who recently finalized a long and messy divorce. She stated that Roscoe Village is a hot spot for “fresh meat”; meaning attractive young men. She was indeed, “on the prowl”.

“The ‘boy toys’ love fast cars, so I drove my new mustang around, hoping to find a tasty morsel. That’s not a crime,” explained an agitated Meyers.

Police reports describe the encounter with Meyers as an uncomfortable, tense situation in which officers feared for their pants. Officer Sullivan, a 27 year old single male, was shaken.

“She was wearing these ostentatious white vinyl pants which left nothing to the imagination,” reported Sullivan. “Her top was tight and low cut. The perp had this haunting devious smile; she bared her teeth and seemed to be salivating uncontrollably.”

Standard procedure only allows the use of deadly force in extreme situations and officers were prepared to use minimal force to neutralize the threat. That is until the dangerous cougar lunged at officers, leaping clear over a six foot fence.

“I can’t resist a man in uniform,” claimed Meyers. She attributes the inhuman jumping ability to her weekly pilates class. “Pilates has really helped me tighten things up, you know, in the caboose.”

Officer Sullivan defended his actions, and the use of deadly force by him and his fellow officers.

“There are just too many good looking young guys in that neighborhood. We feared for the safety of our own innocence, but I, for one, wouldn’t have been able to forgive myself if she had gotten away and engaged in ‘no strings attached’ casual sex with some innocent civilian.”

Meyers is expected to make a full recovery and plans on “getting back on that (proverbial) stallion” as soon as possible.

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American Grounds Hundreds of Flights

Largest Mass Punishment in History

Fort Worth, TX
- American Airlines has grounded well over one thousand flights in the last week, making a very deliberate stance against insubordination.

A representative from American stated that, “This hurts us more than it hurts you”. The statement was, apparently, directed at the hundreds of airplanes which did not pass the FAA’s new, strict guidelines for mechanical safety.

American argues that the planes have been warned about non-compliance with the rules.

“As long as you’re stored in our hangers, you’ll comply with our safety regulations,” explained a statement made by American, directly to non-compliant aircraft. “You’re grounded until you decide that you’re going to meet our standards”.

The aircraft have responded with diligent efforts to comply but reports that American Airlines is “…just being unfair!”

American Airlines refuses to listen to the pleas of the aircraft until they comply. A representative from American states that the next step is to send them to bed without dinner, and that they’re “just asking for a spanking”.

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Monday, April 14, 2008

Demonstration of Irony Defies Expectations

Aberdeen, SD- What began as an innocent academic exercise has become a baffling event for local scholars.

The Aberdeen Public Schools district holds an annual Grammar fair, similar to a science fair. The difference between the two lies in the fact that at the Grammar fair, student’s projects illustrate principles of grammar, syntax and literary device.

Billy Driscoll, a seventh grader, submitted a project on the nature of irony. Judges, casual attendees and other students were stunned to discover that Billy’s results showed the opposite of what was expected.

“He used words to convey a meaning that was the opposite of their literal meaning,” stated Louise Turek, one of the teachers judging the event. “I mean, the attitude illustrated was the opposite of that which was ostensibly stated. It is still a bit confusing for everyone.”

Other members of the judging panel have stated that Billy’s project could easily be confused as demonstrating “coincidental” or “incongruent” literary devices. As a result, Driscoll’s project did not receive 1st prize. Instead, Rachel Nelson’s easily understood, clearly detailed project on “pedantic” writing, won.

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Sunday, April 13, 2008

Nation Barely Concerned About Zombies Who Crave “Graains!”

Evans City, PA- The terrifying possibility of a full scale zombie plague was first introduced to American audiences in 1968 with George Romero’s “Night of the Living Dead”; and it has been an unsettling concept ever since.

Last week, the unthinkable happened. People throughout the U.S. reported the first sightings of zombies roaming the countryside. Initial reception of the threat was riddled with fear and panic. However, late reports have suggested no human casualties directly caused by the walking dead.

The County Sheriff’s Department in Butler County, Pennsylvania, the alleged epicenter of the outbreak, released the following statement.

“Reports claim that the recently deceased are rising from the dead to walk among the living. The re-animated corpses show only the simplest of motor functions; their greatest drive seems to be an insatiable hunger, for grains.”

As indicated by the Butler County statement, the zombies have been consuming carbohydrate rich grains with an inhuman voracity. The majority of American citizens, since hearing detailed reports, have chosen to simply ignore the corpses roaming blindly through the streets.

The only groups reporting a substantial threat from the herbivorous hordes are America’s agricultural and baking communities.

A member of the American Farm Bureau, who chose to remain anonymous, had concerns.

“Sure they’re not hurting people,” stated the anonymous farmer. “But they’re devastating our crops. People need to show a bit more concern.”

Mounting tension among the minute fraction of registered voters representing the agricultural industry has solicited practically no response from the federal government. FEMA has commented on the disaster with a unanimous “meh”.

Klaus Vunderbraten, a Pittsburgh area pastry chef who owns Klaus’s Kakes (a popular bakery), was up-in-arms about the zombie concerns.

“They came into the bakery und ate all of mine bread,” claimed Vunderbraten. “They posed no threat to me, but they can’t pay for bread, they are corpses!”

Currently, nobody really cares about the walking dead. Only time will tell if local, state or federal authorities will do anything about the problem.

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Saturday, April 12, 2008

Lowered Desk Chair Last Straw

Ft. Collins, CO- A small office became the scene of an angry outburst on Monday. Wade Parcel, an IT specialist at Dubois Marketing, was the source of the temper tantrum. Reports claim that Parcel had taken a sick day the previous Friday and just “blew up” upon returning to work Monday morning.

“No, no, I didn’t just freak out without a reason,” spouted an enraged Parcel. “My chair was lowered and it’s really hard to get it how I like it. People are always sitting at my desk when I’m not around; it really pisses me off! My paperclips are always gone, my desktop icons are moved all over the place; one time they were arranged in a heart shape.”

Parcel’s co-workers paint an entirely different picture, claiming that he just “wants a reason to flip out”.

Mark Davis, who sits next to Parcel, disregards the outburst.

“Nobody was sitting at his desk,” stated Davis. “I was here most of the day and I didn’t see anyone there. He just gets all agitated in the morning. This is the first time I’ve seen Wade get all crazy and start yelling though.”

“First it was the post-it note thing,” continued Parcel. “Then it was my phone, then somebody took my lunch right out of the fridge while I was in the bathroom, now this chair thing. I just couldn’t take it anymore.”

The hissy fit was ignored by everyone in the office. It consisted of a lot of yelling and Parcel running around the office lowering unoccupied chairs. Shortly afterward, when Parcel took an angry bathroom break, the office manager admitted to having lowered the chair. He claimed that it was just fun to mess with Parcel.

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Friday, April 11, 2008

Special Edition: Reflection in Cheney’s Glasses Shows Elusive Waldo

Washington, D.C.- It’s been a long time coming, but somebody has finally found Waldo. That somebody is U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney.

An image found on a White House website has been the focus of a lot of controversy lately. The now infamous photo of Cheney allegedly fishing has drawn speculation from news outlets, bloggers and members of the general public. There have been suggestions that the reflection in the Vice President’s sunglasses is that of a naked woman. One website makes the preposterous claim that what we are seeing is in fact Cheney’s hand.

Despite a clear statement from a spokeswoman from the Vice President’s office, the skeptics were not convinced that the image is, in fact, Cheney’s own hand. Late reports have confirmed the surprising image shown in the reflection is actually Waldo, of “Where’s Waldo” fame.

In the image, Vice President Cheney wears a crafty grin; showing the undeniable gratification and self-confidence that can only come from this discovery. Reports suggest that Cheney has been, covertly, searching for Waldo for many years. Allegedly, the hunting incident, in which Cheney shot a hunting companion in the face, was part of the search for Waldo. Cheney’s hunting companion had reportedly put on a red-and-white striped stocking cap (much like the one worn by the famed Waldo) as part of a practical joke.

After years of intense searching, Vice President Cheney returned to the White House with a resounding “Mission Accomplished!” A spokesperson for Cheney expressed the Vice President’s satisfaction,

“The Vice President has called Waldo his “White Whale” and is very relieved to have found him. He states that he is now ready to retire and no longer fears death. The Vice President believes that he has accomplished all that he has ever wanted to accomplish.”

The find was surprising to avid Waldo watchers. Many claim that it was uncharacteristic of Waldo to be on a lake in Idaho, as he prefers to spend his time “lost in a crowd”. As a result of finally being found, Waldo has publicly announced his retirement.

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Pulitzer Displayed In Coveted Refrigerator Position

Ann Arbor, MI- Danny Logan is an unhappy six year old boy. The front of his family’s refrigerator was once a place to prominently display his artwork, but it has been taken over by an eyesore that Danny doesn’t even understand.

“I don’t know what a ‘pulser prize’ is,” puzzled Danny. “I drawed superman, but it’s all covered up.”

Danny feels as if his greatest artistic achievements have been ousted by this inexplicable award. Danny wasn’t sure to whom the award was given, but he expressed serious concerns about the blatant disregard for precedent. He noted that the refrigerator has always been a forum dominated solely by his work.

Actions taken to remedy this outrage have included sulking in a corner, crying and one unsuccessful attempt to tear the award apart. Danny’s expressions of outrage, despite intended diplomacy, have resulted in little more than time outs and various other punishments.

Danny folded his arms and refused to make any further statements about the matter.

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Thursday, April 10, 2008

Big Spender Totally Getting Some

Chicago, IL- Marcus Smith, a bank manager from the near-north side, drives a fast car, wears a pricey suit and springs for the lobster; he’s totally getting some, sources say. Zoe, a paralegal, went on a date with Smith last Saturday. She was impressed and claims that his fiscal carelessness will be rewarded.

“Just hear me out,” began a somewhat defensive statement by Zoe. “If I were looking for a guy to marry, yeah I’d want a guy with money, but not one that would just throw it away. I’m not looking to get married just yet; it’s nice to be with a guy who will spring for the expensive stuff.”

Allegedly, Smith’s first date with Zoe, on Saturday night, began with Smith picking her up in his immaculate Mercedes Kompressor. Smith didn’t open the door for her, or even get out of the car; assuming that his rude behavior is part of the whole “rich guy” thing. He did, however, take her to a very expensive restaurant and order for her, he ordered the lobster. The couple then went on a tour of the city’s most exclusive clubs, settling for nothing less than VIP treatment at each.

“He’s a good looking guy, and I could do a lot worse,” claimed Zoe. “He’s earned it, I mean, “second date” earned it. Dinner and a movie usually get a guy fourth or fifth date action, but Marcus made a pretty good show.”

Smith reluctantly made a statement about the issue.

“I don’t really make that much money; I can only afford a date like that once every couple of months. That is why I’m glad she wants to cook dinner for me on Friday; all I can afford for dinner this week is ramen noodles. Do you have any idea what the car note is on that thing?”

Sources say that Zoe has spent all week cleaning her apartment, even purchasing new panties for the “big night”.

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Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Amorous Turkeys Rally behind Carrier Pigeons

Madison, WI- The battle between U.S. Postal workers and carrier pigeons over mail carrier rights rages on. We reported on March 26th, 2008 that carrier pigeons would be reclaiming their position as official mail carriers of the United States, but the USPS refuses to back down in some cities.

The persistence of the USPS in this matter is regarded as anti-union behavior by the Pigeon union and has been a point of serious contention in unionized avian communities. The most recent group to join the pigeons’ cause is the Federation of American Turkeys (FAT).

FAT has made its presence known in the Madison area by making loud, often violent demonstrations against postal workers; citing their anti-union practice as cause for action. Reports indicate that many of these violent protests are accompanied by name calling such as; rat or scab.

Turkey experts suggest that this is a tense season for the turkey community, as it is mating season. Allegedly, during this time, turkeys are excitably and easily provoked by certain colors and socio-political strife. During the mating cycle, male turkey’s heads change between blue, red and white presumably to attract mates; possibly as a display of their unending patriotism.

A representative of FAT, Gobbles McGee, made an outraged declaration.

“It’s about time that avian-Americans got the respect that we deserve!” A spirited McGee continued, “We assembled for fair treatment, we unionized for equitable work practice, and we won’t rest until our pigeon brothers are given the rights they deserve!”

The President of the pigeon union made an effort to disassociate his group with the actions of FAT.

“We appreciate the backing of such a powerful organization (FAT), but we do not condone violent actions. As a civilized group we intend to resolve this issue through diplomacy. We ask that the Turkeys please stop this unproductive display. If they want to help us, they are urged to contact me and I will provide a means for effective support.”

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Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Christian Physicists Determine Equation for God

(Love∞)/Wrath≤ God

Warrenville, IL- Physicists at the world famous Fermilab have defined the indefinable after decades of labor. God, as understood by the whole of Christianity, the beginning and end of all existence, is now quantifiable for use in theoretical experiments.

Neil Gorman, head of the team that made the discovery, made an excited statement about his findings.

“We have always started the ‘theo-quation’ with some pretty solid factors in place. The traditional, unsolved, equation contained imagination and magic as constants. We just threw that whole idea out the window. Bill, one of the guys on the team, came in to work one day and he said, ‘Hey, I read last night that God is love’. We started from this God equals Love angle, and just worked it out.”

This is considered by many to be the greatest achievement in science. However, like any other new theory, it has opponents on both sides. Faithless members of the scientific community consider the idea to be a waste of research and an insult to what they call legitimate science.

Inversely, religious members of the non-scientific community claim that it is an affront to faith itself; as God is indefinable.

The equation is regarded as a long needed stepping stone in the scientific disciplines of quantum metaphysics, sub-atomic theology and fuzzy divine logic.

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Monday, April 7, 2008

New “Super-Gas” Made From Condors

Oceanside, CA- A group of green innovators have come up with a solution to the dire fossil fuel situation. Save the Oil, an organization of Eco-minded young professionals, has distilled an extremely potent gasoline substitute from the California condor.

Dakota Brooks, a spokesman for the organization, gave a jubilant statement for a crowd of thousands.

“One gallon of this fuel can generate as much power as fifty gallons of petroleum based gasoline, and only requires eight full grown condors to produce,” explained Brooks. “This is the answer we’re looking for. Since condors are living things, they are an entirely renewable resource.”

This breakthrough in alternative fuels comes at a time when the consumption of fossil fuels has become an international crisis. According to representatives of the oil industry there are no viable alternatives to fossil fuel, and there never will be.

Brooks admitted that further research would be needed to determine the reliability of producing enough fuel to meet demand. He did, however, note ease of capture of the birds; citing their enormous size and conspicuous markings.

Pending the successful integration into the fuel market of Condor-Gas, Save the Oil reports that they are currently developing similar fuels made from Africa’s indigenous Black Rhino and Asia’s Giant Panda.

Brooks suggested, “Using animals which are native to these continents will eliminate pricey shipping costs and international tariffs.”

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Sunday, April 6, 2008

Wandering Eye Found Two Miles from Home At Shopping Mall

Knoxville, TN- Among the latest trends and bustling shoppers Eric Kotes noticed something out of the ordinary last weekend.

“I was trying to buy some jeans, and I saw this eye, it looked all confused and lost,” said Eric. “So I just went over to it and I was like, ‘are you lost?’ It was hysterical, it couldn’t even look at me, I’m pretty sure it was paying attention, but the whole time it was looking way out over my left shoulder.”

Kotes brought the eye to mall security. They hadn’t had any reports of a lost eye. Security followed mall protocol and called the local police. The local police department was able to shed some light on the situation.

“Oh, I know that crazy eye,” claimed police Chief Weathers. “That’s Jake Coleman’s eye. You don’t forget an eye like that. I’ve been a police officer in this town for a long while, and Jake’s eye has been all over the place the whole time.”

The police returned the eye to Mr. Coleman later that day.

“Wandering eye? What do you mean?” Coleman seemed oddly defensive about the subject. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

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Saturday, April 5, 2008

Doubtful Girlfriend Gloats over Unfinished Cabinet

Welsboro, PA- A pile of dirty clothes sits atop nondescript wooden rectangle in a small apartment shared by Janet Griffin and her boyfriend Steve.

“I knew he wasn’t going to finish it. That’s what I told him when he started it.” Janet made this disdainful reference to the “would be” cabinet cluttering up the couple’s floor.

“He always starts things and never finishes them. I just wish he wouldn’t start so many projects.”

Steve had a different view of things.

“She never believes in anything I do. I used to have a problem finishing things, but I’ve grown, that’s not who I am anymore.” He claims that his failure to finish projects is the result of a destructive cycle. “Every time I start something, she tells me that I won’t finish it. Before I get a chance to do it, she jumps in and freaks out. It’s like she sets these impossible deadlines without telling me.”

Allegedly, Janet gives Steve plenty of time to finish his projects, but if she isn’t persistent, he gets lazy.

“I don’t care if he finishes the cabinet or not,” explained Griffin. “I’m just saying he should acknowledge that I was right.”

Friends and family of Janet and Steve suggest that this is a regular occurrence.

“This is just like the bird feeder,” noted Bill, Steve’s best friend. “And the spice rack, also that whole smart-house thing. I think he was going to build a boat or something a couple years back. That’s probably why they have all of that cut lumber in their garage.”

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Friday, April 4, 2008

Ungrateful Cat Craps on Floor

Baraboo, WI- Once humanity’s most feared predator, thousands of years of domestication have made cats a common house pet. However, an area cat is doing his part to remind us of our place on the food chain.

Chairman Meow, a local Persian, has flat out refused to use his litter box. Oscar Mendes, Meow’s owner is baffled.

“He just craps right next to it,” stated a desperate Mendes. “I’ve cleaned the box, moved it into a corner, hell, I even put it in the storage room where no one can bother him. I don’t know what to do.”

Mendes reports that he has owned Chairman Meow for over five years; having purchased the cat as a kitten. The cat’s behavior has otherwise been normal since he started defecating on the floor two months ago.

“I come home from work and he wants to play with his toy mouse and hang out while I play Xbox,” explained Mendes. “I give him treats, feed him, give him clean water and he still won’t use the damn box.”

Mendes allegedly took Meow to the veterinarian who found him to be in good health. Mendes believes that the behavior is a result of youthful rebellion. He does note that considering the cat’s age, it might be some type of “kitty mid-life crisis”.

“Maybe I should get him some young cat tail,” said Mendes. “But he’s fixed, so that probably won’t work. Do they make cat sized convertibles?”

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Thursday, April 3, 2008

Microsoft Ceases Production of Gramophone 360 Accessory

Another Casualty of the Next-Gen Media War

Bellevue, WA- The battle for media format supremacy is over and Sony’s Blu-ray technology is the winner. This news comes as a blow to consumers who backed the innovations of other competing companies, such as Microsoft.

Fierce competition between Microsoft and Sony over media format was largely due to the release of the seventh generation of home video game consoles. Microsoft’s entry being the Xbox 360 and Sony’s being the third iteration of the Playstation console, the PS3.

Sony’s bid for media format was the, now industry standard, Blu-ray format. Microsoft decided to offer two organic formats; the HD-DVD and the Gramophone 360.

“The Gramophone seemed like a no-brainer,” said Michael York, a Microsoft executive. “People love music, and this thing is amazing.”

The Gramophone was invented in 1877 by Thomas Alva Edison. It was the first device capable of recording and playing audio data.

“We think it was just a matter of marketing,” claimed York. “We second guessed our first instinct; to release the accessory before it was adequately tested, in order to get a jump on the market.”

The Gramophone 360 was an accessory which could be connected to the Xbox 360 console. It could be used to play low fidelity music from a disc, similar to a vinyl record.
Despite its appeal, it could not compete with the high definition Blu-ray video disc. As a result, many consumers, who purchased the hardware, are stuck with an obsolete peripheral.

Sony has dominated the media format arena before with the Sony/Phillips developed Compact Disc and the revolutionary Betamax.

Undaunted by the defeat, Microsoft has hinted at plans to release a Laser disc peripheral, for their console, later this year.

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Wednesday, April 2, 2008

NHL To Forego Post-Season Because Everybody Had Fun

New York, NY- After ninety-one years, the National Hockey League announced today that it will not be holding the annual play-offs or championship. The NHL commission has stated that there will be no need this year, because all of the players in the league had fun.

Gary Bettman, the commissioner of the NHL has taken fire from fans and franchise owners alike for his controversial decision. Bettman is no stranger to criticism, his tenure as commissioner has been plagued with allegations ranging from unfair labor practice to having an anti-Canadian agenda.

Bettman gave a public statement defending his actions.

“It’s not whether you win or lose, the important thing is that everybody has fun,” confidently stated Bettman. “This season, coaches across the League have made sure that even the crappy players got some time on the ice. Also, as part of the collective bargaining agreement, all teams, regardless of who claimed the victory, were taken out for pizza after each game.”

These measures may seem odd for a professional sports organization, but the commission assures fans that their goal is to encourage good sportsmanship. Hockey has always been a breeding ground for in-game aggression and personal vendettas. The NHL hopes that through condescension and artificial illusions of equality, hockey can become a more friendly game.

“Fans seem to think that this is a move to soften a notoriously rough sport,” said Bettman. “The truth is that this way is better for everybody; nobody gets cut from the teams, there are no hurt feelings and everybody goes home with something.”

The “something” to which Bettman referred, is a small replica of the, previously coveted, Stanley Cup. Each trophy is engraved with the words “Participant, 2007-2008 NHL Season”.

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Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Scientists Create Planet Ending Machine

Geneva, Switzerland- The international physics research collective, known as CERN, is in the final stages of assembling the Large Hadron Collider (LHC). The LHC is the largest particle accelerator ever built.

The project is the object of global controversy; opponents noting its potential to completely destroy the universe. Physicists working on the collider protest that it “probably won’t do that”.

One particular member of the team building the LHC, who wished to remain anonymous, had this to say;

“This kind of particle accelerator is absolutely necessary to facilitate the study of mankind’s ability to disassemble the fabric of the universe on a sub-atomic level. Physics is an exact science, well, as exact as a science can be. The point is, we have determined within a reasonable margin of error that we will not destroy everything in existence. Of, course, if this technology fell into the wrong hands…that would be, um, very bad.”

Noted Super-villain, Niles Nefarious also had a public statement to make.

"Pitiful weaklings, mine are indeed the wrong hands! With a machine such as this, I could hold the entire universe ransom,” claimed Nefarious. “All shall bow before the awesome might of Niles Nefarious!”

A CERN representative said candidly,

“No, you’re right, it’s a planet destroying machine. There really aren’t any scientific applications.”

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