Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Fed To Consumers: Damn, You Look Good!

Washington, D.C. – “Wow, really, just…wow,” said Federal Reserve Board Chairman Ben Bernanke to American consumers in a Tuesday morning press release. “Have you been working out? Cause it shows.”

Analysts are suggesting that this particular press release was intended to combat the ongoing problem of low consumer confidence. Declining confidence has been indicated as the driving force behind the current economic slump. The Reserve board is hoping reassuring words will provide some solace.

“I just don’t know if I feel comfortable going out and parading my wallet around,” explained Consumer. “I just don’t think anyone is going to take the bait.”

This seems to be the overall sentiment when it comes to spending in these awkward economic times. But the fed has some words that might quell these fears.

“They would be lucky to have you,” read the press release. “I know you’ve had some bad experiences, but those retailers were jerks. They weren’t right for you and didn’t appreciate how wonderful you actually are. Who knows, you might go out there today and find a nice bank that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.”

A representative of the Federal Reserve board was quick to elaborate on the statement.

“Consumers just keep second guessing themselves,” she said. “We need to encourage confidence any way we can, at every turn. And by the way, nice ass.”

Experts were initially skeptical about how effective the transparent move would be.

“We don’t just want these empty, shallow compliments,” noted financial analyst Bill McPhee, moments after the statement was made. “As a country, we need something more. Something concrete.”

When asked to comment today, McPhee seemed to have more faith in the Fed.

“I think it’s going to work,” he said. “I met with a Reserve Board rep and they addressed my concerns. She said I was smart and very astute for making such keen observations. She also noticed my new haircut and asked if I’d been working on my abs. I haven’t, but it’s nice to hear. I really think if anyone can fix the economy, it’s these guys.”

The press release concluded with the following passage, which has many feeling better already.

“I saw your ex last weekend and he/she was sooo jealous. You look super hot. You know what would really kill him/her? If they saw you in that new sports car you’ve been wanting. Yeah, you’re way too hot to be driving that old thing. God, I wish I could look as good as you, Consumer.”

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Thursday, January 22, 2009

Email Inbox Eagerly Refreshed

Gallup, New Mexico – It began early yesterday morning. Joel Arment, a local office manager, booted up his work computer. It wasn’t long before he signed in and opened his email account. What he would see next was disappointing.

 “Okay, I sent out two emails right before I left work yesterday,” he said. “I don’t understand why I didn’t get a reply yet.”

 Reportedly, Arment sent two emails marked “Urgent” at 8:45 pm, shortly before he left work. As of 6:30 am yesterday morning he had received no reply. The first of the two messages was in regards to a Craigslist posting offering two used couch cushions for twenty dollars or best offer. The second was a humorous email greeting card, which he sent to a friend from college.

 “I offered fifteen dollars for those cushions,” noted Arment. “I think that was a good price for those. The seller couldn’t be serious about wanting twenty.”

 Allegedly, Arment spent nearly half an hour staring at his monitor, occasionally refreshing his inbox.

 “That card I sent to Bill, it was a riot,” mused the frustrated correspondent. “It had this big eyed cat and it said, ‘Cut down on the caffeine’. (Laughing) I guess he’s just laughing so hard; he hasn’t had time to get back to me. Or maybe he can’t find anything that funny to send back. He always said I was lame, that would really piss him off if he couldn't top my e-card.”

 Arment claims to have felt the same wide-eyed excitement every single time he clicked the refresh button.

 “Just knowing that I could get something hilarious from Bill, or an email saying that fifteen was the best offer keeps my heart pounding. It’s like, ‘this click could be the one’, you know?”

 Arment’s team explained that he spends a lot of time checking his email. Though they suspect he rarely receives any. 

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Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Obama-Fly Becomes 44th President of the United States

Washington, D.C.- What has been hailed as the most historic day in American history, the Inauguration of our first black president, was plagued by an unlikely, science-fiction, mistake.

According to reports, as the President Elect Barack Obama took his historic oath of office, he began to metamorphose into a half man-half fly being. The horrified crowd looked on, helplessly, as he repeated the phrase “So help me god”, solidifying his acceptance of the office.

 “Well, the new President seems to have a fly head,” stated Paul Allen, a schoolteacher from Portland, Oregon. “But at least he’s not Bush.”

Many were confused about the cause of the appalling transformation, and hopeful that it was not a sign of things to come. Experts offered some insight.

“It seems that a common, ordinary housefly landed on the Lincoln Bible at the exact moment of the inauguration,” explained Dr. Seth Brundle, a brilliant, but eccentric scientist. “The Oath of Office could not differentiate between Mr. Obama’s and the fly’s DNA. The result was a synthesis of the two creating, what I call, Obama-fly.”

 Just a few short hours after the change, people close to the President reported him being stronger and more nimble than before. President Obama insists that the change will not affect his policy, or the goals he intends to reach while in office.

 “Yes, I have a fly head, bzzzbzzz,” said President Obama. “But I am this country’s forty-fourth President, and I will bzzbzz execute this office to the best of my abilities.”

 Sources reported President Obama behaving normally aside from the fact that he requested a plate full of sugar at the traditional inaugural brunch, proclaiming to the other guests, “This is how Obama-Fly eats.” 

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