Tuesday, December 9, 2008

An Open Letter To The Readers

To all eight of our readers, to include the three of you who enjoy Monkey Breath, the two of you who read everyday patiently awaiting our fatal mistake, and the two of you who are forced to read MB as part of your debt to society (thank you Nevada Dept. of Corrections), and the other guy; we truly appreciate your readership and support in this past year.

It has been brought to our attention that some of you are concerned about the future of Monkey-breath.com as a result of the abrupt halt to new content being posted. It has been remiss of us to leave our small but fanatical fan base out of the loop on such an important development in our story.

This time each year, the Monkey-breath.com world headquarters in Chicago’s prestigious “Wolrd Headquarters” district, on Spelling Error Avenue, is rented out to host the “All Clown Rodeo and Pig-grip”. As a side note, it’s a truly fascinating show in which clowns ride other clowns and do their best to grip those ever-slippery pigs. As a result, the office smells like livestock, greasepaint, and baby oil.

Taking into account that his office is being used to shoe particularly ornery harlequins Mr. Jackass thought this would be a good time sort some things out. The staff has gone their separate ways to fulfill unfulfilled dreams, legitimize illegitimate children, and basically tie up some loose ends.

Our editor-in-chief, Henry Q. Jackass, is currently undergoing some much needed anger management counseling.  Bigfoot, our financial advisor, has been called to Washington to advise a high profile, recently elected official, who shall remain nameless. Lance Cooper, our sports reporter, is in his hidden lair deep beneath Halas Hall, playing a pipe organ and completing his masterwork, “From Hurling to Jai Alai: Sports in the Key of H (Actually just the H sound)”. Viktor Mimmirsbrunner, our expert on the weird, is reportedly traveling the world in search of the Eye of Agamoto, whatever that is.

But for those of you who are concerned (Mother), Monkey-breath.com has not ended.


H.Q. Jackass will return in…”Unipussy”


Patches the Pig Grippin' Clown 

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Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Sexually Curious Japanese Polar Bear Dresses As Boy To Enter Kushiro Zoo

Tokyo, Japan – Zookeepers in Northern Japan have uncovered a secret about a polar bear that has been living in their zoo for three years, the bear is a female.

 Tsuyoshi, the gender bending bear, was brought in with the express purpose of mating with Kurumi, a resident 11-year-old female polar bear. After placing the two bears together, zookeepers were baffled by the lack of breeding that was taking place.

 “Tsuyoshi was our great hope for impregnating Kurumi,” said Keitaro Mufune, curator of large mammals at the zoo in Hokkaido. “Early on there were mating displays, though they seemed awkward. There was even some tender, timid, sexual contact but no babies have been conceived. Now we know why.”

 Experts have questioned how qualified zoologists could be unaware of the bear’s gender after all of this time.

 “When Tsuyoshi arrived, he (she) had a short haircut,” explained Mufune. “Tsuyoshi was delivered wearing a flannel shirt and fake mustache. He (she) even expressed a healthy interest in the undergarments of school-aged girls (a common interest shared by Japanese men).”

 According to reports, Tsuyoshi (named after a popular Japanese baseball player) seemed bored and listless for several months following her arrival at the zoo. The bear was only comforted by listening to Culture Club albums and repeatedly watching “Boys Don’t Cry”.

 Last week, after becoming concerned with the fruitless mating, zookeepers sedated the bear to give her an examination. Only then did they discover her secret.

 “Tsuyoshi actually had several tube socks concealed under pelt making her seem, at least in appearance, to be a male,” noted Mufune. “This type of thing is not entirely uncommon. Young women regularly dress as boys to attain the respect of peers, gain admission to prestigious schools, and fight in wars. At least that’s what movies, television, and Manga (Japanese comic books) have lead me to believe.”

 The Kushiro Zoo has no intention of getting rid of Tsuyoshi as she has become a popular icon for them.

 “She is part of the family now,” said Mufune. “The visitors love her, and I think she teaches us a powerful lesson. If you want something, all you have to do is dress as the opposite gender and you can get it. Young women everywhere can see that it is easy to fool even the most qualified professional and throw off the shackles of your worthless gender.”

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Tuesday, November 25, 2008

British, Others Terribly Confused Over What Football Is

Canton, OH (Pro Football Hall of Fame) – Football is one of the five most popular professional sports played in the United States. It stands shoulder to shoulder with some of the greatest sports ever played, baseball, basketball, hockey, etc.

 Despite its national popularity some members of the international community (we’re looking at you, England) are ignorant as to what football really is. For the sake of the uneducated, we have included a short explanation of the real game of football, as it appears in the book, “Football, We Mean Real Football” by Lance Cooper.

 Football is a game played by giants. It is played on a field one hundred and nine meters long by forty-eight meters wide. Each team begins play with eleven players on the field and play ends when all but one player is dead. It is played with an oblong, football-shaped ball.

The word football comes from medieval Europe when peasants played games on foot, as opposed to equestrian games played by the aristocracy.

 Allegedly, there is an international misconception that football is played by small Nancy-boys in long shorts who are not allowed to hurt each other at all. Experts are suggesting that there is a strong correlation between ignorance of the game of football and the excessive use of the letter “U”.

 “We are not ignourant of the existence of American foutball,”[sic] said Nigel Baker, a sports reporter from London. “We just doun’t think of that game when we say foutball.”

 Sources say that Mr. Baker is an idiot, and that he made up the term “American football”. Despite their ridiculous, boring, concept of football, Britain is not devoid of violent, entertaining sports. Rugby is a widely enjoyed sport in the U.K. and around the world.

 In the course of research for this article it was revealed that many, many other regions are confused about the definition of football. Much like England, they also have goofy, quasi-entertaining sports such as, Jai-alai (South America), Lacrosse (Europe), Boot-wazzle (Australia), and the always-interesting Hurling (Ireland)*.

 *Not to be confused with the ultra-lame Curling which is popular in Canada. 

Lance Cooper writes the Sports section of Monkey-Breath.com. He is currently in the bathtub eating a taco. Lance is the author of the bestselling book "Whooo!!! Sports" which can be found in local book stores. 

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Monday, November 24, 2008

The Smell of Donuts Intoxicating Reports Manager of Donut Shop

Louisville, KY – “It’s the most fantastic smell I’ve ever smelled,” says 46-year-old Bill Anderson, manager of a local donut shop. “That’s why I work here, because I love donuts. It’s not like I couldn’t get another job, I just love this one.”

 Locals and patrons of “DoNut Disturb” report that Anderson has been working there for years and that he doesn’t seem to like donuts at all.

 “I remember a couple of years ago when it was called ‘D’oh! Nuts!” said one patron. “Bill said that he would be quitting in a few weeks because he had just applied to haberdasher’s school. He was going to make hats. Bill hates donuts.”

 “La, la, la, la, la, I love donuts,” sang Anderson as he tried to stifle a gag. “They’re so sugary fantastic and sweet! I couldn’t imagine doing anything else. Also, they really appreciate me and my ideas.”

 “That guy has got some problems,’ noted Arthur Bicklestein, Regional Manager of Amalgamated Microsystems and Information Condensation Industries Incorporated, the company which owns “DoNut Disturb”. “We’re looking for a replacement right now, but he is our most senior employee, having worked in that shop for over twenty years.”

 Bicklestein acknowledged Anderson’s good attendance and persistence but illuminated some of Anderson’s flaws as an employee.

 “He always has these stupid ideas,” explained Bickelstein as he shook his head. “He wanted to call the place, ‘Please, DoNut Feed The Bears’. What in the hell is that? We don’t have bears here! And when he messes up, he blames everything on his mother.”

 Acquintences of Anderson report that he has pursued other career paths. Allegedly, he wanted to be a video game tester, a wedding cake designer, a 19th century boot black, a haberdasher, and a professional furry (whatever that is). Records suggest that all of those options fell through.

 Anderson was not willing to listen to what his regional manager had to say but he left us with this message; “The smell of donuts is intoxicating, that’s why I still work here, MOM! I could work elsewhere, I just love donuts!”

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Friday, November 21, 2008

Mark Cuban Accused of Wanting to Buy Cubs

Chicago, IL – Billionaire Mark Cuban has been accused of having a desire to buy the Chicago Cubs.

 “What kind of sick bastard would want to buy this team?” asked Chicago police Officer, Brian Craig. “It’s like some kind of freaky masochism. I could barely stomach it when regular fans filled up Wrigley field, but this is just out of line.”

 According to reports, Cuban received information that the team was for sale and announced his intentions shortly after that, a move that has the Securities and Exchanges Commission concerned.

 “What he did isn’t really the biggest of our concerns,” said a Representative of the SEC. “We think it’s fishy that anyone would want to buy such an awful, awful team.”

 The news comes as a shock to many, save Cuban’s closest friends.

 “He’s not a bad guy,” explained one of Cuban’s friends who chose to remain anonymous. “I just think he’s sick. Something isn’t right in his head, and I hope this investigation will help him get the help he needs.”

 For non-baseball fans, the concern here may be difficult to understand. Baseball expert, Noel Brockenheimer elaborated on why this is such a controversial move.

 “There’s just so crummy,” Brockenheimer told reporters, wrought with emotion. “Really, really bad. They’re just…I mean, my god…really crummy.”

 Cuban defended himself against the accusations.

 “Whoa, wait, the Cubs? You mean the Chicago Cubs?” asked a defensive Cuban on Wednesday. “I’d have to be crazy, or stupid, and you don’t end up being the chairman of HDNet and owning the Dallas Mavericks by being crazy or stupid. The insider trading, yeah, I’ve been doing the shit out of that. For years, insider this, insider that, all over the place. But I never once said I wanted to buy the Cubs.”

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Thursday, November 20, 2008

President Bush Declares “Cooperating Too Hard”, Embarks On Seven-Week Nap

Washington, D.C. – After the election of Barack Obama as the United States’ forty-fourth President, the incumbent President George Bush promised complete cooperation with the transfer of power. President Bush cited this “peaceful exchange of power” as being a hallmark of this nation’s great democracy and made a big deal about his willingness to cooperate.

 Many people may have noticed that his cooperation is not a big deal, as every single American President, except the ones who were assassinated and Richard M. Nixon, gave nothing but their full cooperation.

 Two weeks after making his promise to do as he is expected and get the hell out of the next President’s house, Bush is losing steam.

 “Hey, this is pretty hard,” Bush told an aid. “Can I stop cooperating now?”

 White House aids have been split in their reaction. Some of them note that this is the most the President has had to do during his entire administration and sympathize with the sleepy Commander in Chief. Others have taken what they call the “don’t let the door hit you” approach and begun to ignore him entirely.

 “I’m sleepy,” said the President. “I didn’t have anybody to show me around the White House when I took over.”

 Aids reminded him that he did, in fact receive similar cooperation from his predecessor, Bill Clinton, and that he didn’t try to make a big deal out of it.

 “Muunh! I don’t wanna do it anymore,” Bush began to pout. “I’m going to my comfy office.”

 From what aids report, the “comfy office” to which he referred is his bedroom, where he spent a large part of his administration. From getting security briefings, to planning strategic military actions, to meeting foreign dignitaries, he did it all from his bed, in the comfort of his Presidential jammy-jams. Reportedly, he was hoping that this transition would be no different.

 “The President is really out of his element,” said a top White House aid. “He hasn’t had to do any cooperating, ever. During his first term, Secretary [Colin] Powell did all of the cooperating. Then when he left, there just wasn’t any. The usually clowns and magic shows aren’t working, he’s really upset.”

 “Hey guys,” said President Bush to his staff. “I’m just gonna go to sleep for a little while. Wake me up for that coronation thing, or whatever it’s called. You know, the thing where I make that new guy in charge.”

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Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Jesus Returns to Find “Awful Mess”

Jerusalem, Israel – “I’m home,” melodiously shouted Jesus Christ through his grocery bags as he kicked the front door shut. “I know I’m a little late.”
The God-man returned home on Tuesday after a two thousand year absence. He was decidedly less than happy with the state of things.
“I’m gone for a little while and look at this place,” said Christ. “What in the hell did you guys do?”
Christ was presumably upset by the state of affairs in the world, war, sin, and global climate change. The King of the Jews said that he believed we were on the right path when he left.
“Do you know what I had to do to help you guys out? I don’t think you do,” scolded Christ. “You know, you’re not the only beings in the Universe that need saving. I just came back from saving two hundred other galaxies, and boy are my arms tired. No, seriously, I’m off dying to absolve entire species of original sin and you can’t hold down the fort for a few thousand years, for shame.”
“To be honest, I never expected him to come back,” said a prominent member of the Vatican. “I was really caught off guard when he just showed up. I tried to tell him that we’ve been doing our part, but the heretics and Pagans are causing all kinds of trouble.”
According to reports, many Christian church leaders tried to make excuses.
“Some asshole tried to blame this on the Cat in the Hat,” exclaimed the insulted messiah. “The Cat in the Hat for crying out loud! Does he think I don’t know who the Cat in the Hat is?”
Influential Christian religious leader Rev. Jesse Jackson made comments on the momentous second coming of Christ.
“He’s been gone a really long time,” said Jackson. “I figured he might not know who the Cat in the Hat is.”

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Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Family Selects Grandma’s House To Host “Morton Mania III”

Eugene, OR – Like many American families, the Mortons intend to spend Thanksgiving together, in the agonizing shackles of each other’s company.  There will be traditions followed, carving of the turkey, wishing on the wishbone, and heavy drinking.

 Hosting of the annual Morton family gathering is a prestigious honor, which passes from home to home each year. This year, on account of the dinner being held at Gladys and Tim’s house last year, is Grandma Morton’s turn.

 “A couple of years back, I noticed that everybody fights on Thanksgiving,” explained 23-year-old Warren Morton. “You know, Grandpa gets drunk and starts telling all of his kids that they ruined his life. Then Dad and his brothers and sisters start yelling about girlfriends they stole and cars they wrecked. And the best part is when Grandma starts screaming, ‘you’re all a bunch of animals! If my mama were alive to see this!’ That’s when I started calling it Morton Mania.”

 The tradition of a battle royale style fight between the Mortons has been going on for decades, but has only recently been named. Warren Morton says he is looking forward to the big headline match, but the openers will be quite entertaining.

 “The night will kick off with Stone Cold Aunt Lily versus The Egg Nog,” said Warren. “Followed by Grandpa versus ‘His Disappointments’, then my favorite, The Iron Dad versus Ragin’ Uncle Bruce.”

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Friday, November 14, 2008

Case of Tourette’s Complicates “Do As I Say” Rule

Carson City, NV – As a general rule John Gardner is a good stepfather to his new wife’s teenaged sons. He is fair and strictly adheres to the rules of the house, not wanting to disrupt the effective system of discipline, which has served the boys so well.

 However, Gardner has Tourette’s syndrome, a neuropsychiatric disorder that causes uncontrollable tics, both motor and vocal. Gardner displays a relatively rare vocal tic characterized by the shouting of obscenities. This fact makes it difficult for sixteen year old Brian and fourteen year old Peter to observe the long standing “Do as I say” rule.

 “I try to listen to John,” said the distraught Brian. “But it’s hard when he says to do things like ‘f***the Pope.”

 Gardner moved in with the family last year, which inspired a discussion between Mary, Gardner’s new wife, and her sons.

 “I want you to show John the same respect you show me,” Mary told her sons. “Do whatever he tells you to do.”

 Moments later, Gardner expressed his agreement wife the boys’ mother, adding “sh**, f***ers, Coke bottle in the rear.”

 “Except that,” said Mary. “I don’t want any Coke bottles going anywhere weird.”

 The teenage boys were told to use their judgment in determining which directives are legitimate, and which are random interjections resulting from the Tourette’s.

 “I understand that I’m not your father,” Gardner told his stepsons. “But I love your…ass…I mean…f***…your mother…bitch!”    

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Thursday, November 13, 2008

IRS Going Out of Business

Washington, D.C. – The financial crisis seems to be affecting businesses, individuals, and organizations across the board. National electronics chain Circuit City has recently announced being in financial trouble, and the ambiguous house wares dealer Linens-n-Things will be closing its doors in the near future.

 Unfortunately, the damage doesn’t stop with second-rate retail chains. Today, the Internal Revenue Service announced that they would be going out of business. Nobody knows exactly how to feel about it.

 “We never wanted it to come to this,” said Benjamin Sherman, Assistant to the Director of the IRS. “Things just didn’t go the way we expected.”

 Reportedly, the IRS has approached the federal government for assistance, only to be turned down. Lawmakers argue that this isn’t a mess for which the American taxpayers should be held responsible.

 “If we go out of business,” passionately explained an agitated Sherman. “There won’t be any tax money! We are the revenue stream for the entire country! Re-Ve-Nue Service! Why are people so stupid?”

 According to reports, the IRS is taking measures to minimize the loss. They have announced a going out of business sale at which taxpayer IDs and vital taxpayer information will be sold at bargain prices. 

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Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Final Popular Vote Actually Went to George W. Bush

Washington, D.C. – A full week after the November 4th general election, the last of the ballots have finally been counted.  Shockingly, a large number of them were for the incumbent President George W. Bush.

 “We were a little surprised as most people know that no President may serve more than two terms,” said elections official Craig Bartollo. “It seemed strange that so many people would vote for him despite his having no chance at victory.”

 Unlike in the 2000 election, the cryptically pro-Bush votes were not concentrated in one pivotal state; they were evenly distributed across the nation. There was such a saturation of these votes that, this time anyway, President Bush won the popular vote.

 “It was truly amazing,” stated Bartollo. “The total number of people who voted was upwards of one hundred and twenty-two million. Apparently, fifty-five million of those people voted for George Bush.  If you add that to the number of people who voted for President elect Obama and Senator McCain, you get approximately one hundred and seventy-seven million people. That just isn’t possible. Somebody is cheating, I don’t now who, but I have my suspicions.”

 Taking this information into account, experts are retracting allegations that President Bush’s previous victories were somehow unfairly won.

 “If he won by this kind of margin this time, when he couldn’t even take office for a third term, then maybe he won fair and square the other two times,” said Nathan Greybeck, a political analyst. “I used to think that somehow, he rigged the first two, but he’s obviously got some support.”

 Members of the Bush Administration are declining to comment on the strange outpouring of support for the incumbent. This massive number of votes comes during a time when George W. Bush is the least popular President in American history. A recent Gallop Poll shows that the voting public has more confidence in Checkers Nixon than George W. Bush, and would vote for the dog if that fictional election were to take place, despite Checkers being dead.

 When questioned about the votes, the President simply laughed nervously and said, “oops.”

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Monday, November 10, 2008

Whiskey Bottle Empties Self, Poisons Owner

Detroit, MI – Carl Wright awakened this morning with a splitting headache, according to the police report. But he doesn’t remember what happened last night, Wright called police suspecting foul play.

 “I sat down to watch TV last night and I opened that big bottle of whiskey to have a glass,” said the photosensitive victim. “I don’t remember anything after that. Either somebody broke in, clubbed me over the head, drank all of my whiskey, and left me lying unconscious on the couch, or that whiskey bottle is evil and it drugged me.”

 After recreating the crime, police are still struggling to understand what happened.

 “It is as Mr. Wright said,” stated Police Chief Lawson. “Either someone clubbed him to drink all of his gallon, sized, bargain whiskey, or the whiskey had a sinister role to play.”

 Officer Larson continued to speculate.

 “A likely scenario is that the whiskey, having been trapped in a barrel for no less than five years, as the label suggests, was eager to escape. Viewing Mr. Wright as its ruthless captor, the spirit plotted a devious escape. It would make its way to the refrigerator; dissolve illegally acquired tranquilizers into Mr. Wright’s favorite soft drink. The whiskey would then return to the locked cabinet in which it was stored. It waited for days until Mr. Wright consumed the drugged soft drink, and then opened the bottle. Once the bottle was open and Mr. Wright was unconscious, the spirit would pour from its vessel and escape by flowing under the door. It was a brilliant scheme.”

 Officer Larson continued to explain that the possibility of a robber breaking in simply to steal whiskey was unlikely.

 “That must have been some powerful drug,” said Wright. “Apparently, at some point in the night I vomited and I believe the whiskey defecated in my pants, just to add insult to injury.”

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Friday, November 7, 2008

30% Of Americans Lost in “His Eyes”

Chicago, IL – A recent poll of ten million Americans reveals a girlish infatuation with President Elect, Barack Obama.
According to the poll, nearly thirty percent of the participants have been distracted from the tumultuous state of events in the world and lulled into a sense of comforted awe by the Obama.
“No, no, I’m totally…um, I’m sorry what was I saying? (Sighs) It’s really great,” stated Bank Manager Paul Giacono. “You were asking me if I was-- I’m just really happy right now.”
American Statistics Analysis Inc. (ASA Inc.) is the Chicago based company that conducted the poll. The company was, allegedly, very careful to select a broad spectrum of participants to avoid excessive demographic concentration.
“We tried very hard to poll as diverse a group as possible,” said Jim Winthrop, Executive Vice President of ASA Inc. “We polled Obama supporters, McCain supporters, women, men, gay, straight, Mormon, Jewish, midget, you name it. They all seemed to be distracted by images of the President Elect on newspapers, buses, t-shirts, tattoos, and the like.”
Among the questions asked was a particularly pointed question about the current national economic collapse. Few people seemed concerned, responding with concise answers such as “Dreamy”, hysterical giggling, and comforted sighs.
No one can truly say what the future will hold, but…um…wow, I think everything is going to be okay.
*Special thanks to the Chicago Sun-Times for providing such a hypnotic photo.

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Thursday, November 6, 2008

Geese Migrating Just to Sh** on Bill’s Car

Crown Point, IN – Bill Richardson parks his car on the same street every day. His parking space is directly in front of his apartment, which faces a three-acre park. Richardson admits that he’s pretty happy with where he lives and parks his car.

 “I’m pretty happy with where I live and park my car,” said Richardson.

 However, all of that happiness and good fortune go down the drain when the geese begin to migrate. Geese love sh**ing on Bill’s car.

 “When it gets cooler in the fall, they sh** on my car,” said Richardson, wringing his hands and peering out the window to check on his car. “When it gets warmer in the spring, they come and sh** on my car. I’m at my wit’s end here. I tried shooing them away, but they just hiss at me and I think they actually sh** more after that.”

 Richardson’s apartment faces a large park, the only one for a few miles. Twice per year, this park is a pit stop for Canadian geese. They are drawn to the area by its abundant crayfish population and night crawlers, which they feed on.

 Family members have suggested that it is simply the risk of living across the street from a park.

 “It’s only my car,” said an increasingly agitated Richardson. “I don’t get it, what did I do? I’m afraid they’re going to start sh**ing on me personally. And I can’t even figure out what they’re eating. I don’t know, it’s got to be like, house paint, or something.”

 When contacted for comment, the geese were more than happy to speak out.

 “Oh man, he noticed?” Eagerly questioned the flock’s leader, Ahgnghk. “Wow, that’s great. We f***ing hate that guy. We’ve been sh**ing on his car, almost exclusively for three seasons now. He even tried getting a new car, but we’re not dumb, we spotted that crafty bastard. At first I was just like, ‘Hey, check out this douche bag.’ But then, one morning, we were just trying to sleep and he comes running into the field swinging his jacket around and yelling. My flock was scared. So I got up, made my self look all big and hissed at him. He went away, but ever since then, oh, it’s been f***ing on.”

 Ahgnghk (pronounced Ahg-hong-ik) confirmed that Richardson’s suspicions are true.

 “Seriously, we don’t even need to migrate,” said the goose leader. “We just come here to f***with this guy. I mean, I’ve been eating all of the worst stuff I could find. I ate some house paint, about sixty mulberries, and some crazy sh** from the dumpster at Wendy’s. This guy’s car is toast. What’s his name, Bill? Hey, Bill, I’m coming after you!”

 Chilling words from a migratory waterfowl, truly chilling words.   

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Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Nation Gripped By Boredom After particularly Uneventful Tuesday

Cleveland, OHThis morning began like many other Wednesday mornings. Across the country, Americans woke up, went to work or school, did what they do every other Wednesday morning.

 The difference? Nothing, nothing at all. Things are exactly the same as they were on Monday. In fact, many experts believe that yesterday may have been the beginning of the most boring period in American history.

 Charles Barker, a ninety-two year old man, who lives just outside Cleveland, has seen many uneventful days in his time.

 “I’ve seen some boring days,” said a nostalgic Barker as his hands moved furiously. “This might be the worst. I started using a loom, oh, about fifty years ago.” Barker weaves on his loom as he speaks, not missing a beat. “Sometimes, on boring days, like today, you need to keep away the boredom. You’ve got to have a hobby, like loom.”

 With the recent economic trouble and political tensions, around the world, experts are suggesting that boredom may reach record highs.

 Sally Walbarton sits on her porch deeply engrossed in a pile of tiny seashells. Walbarton is sixty-five.

 “I like to find the tiniest ones I can,” Walbarton is barely aware that she’s addressing anyone. “I remember picking through shells during the most boring times in this nation’s history, the sixties for example.”

 Nobody seems to know how we will get out of this rut. Experts agree on one thing though; nothing especially out of the ordinary has happened since yesterday morning. 

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Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Satirist Has Better Things to Do than Entertain You, It’s Election Day

Chicago, IL – It’s finally here, November 4th, Election Day. Today is possibly the most historic Election Day in American history. Voters will either be sending the first black man or the first woman into the White House. Also, if elected, John McCain would be the crustiest old white guy ever elected to the office.

Voter turn out is expected to reach an all time high today as those lazy procrastinators who didn’t already vote cram themselves into long lines to get to their local polling places. Many local law enforcement agencies expect the crowds, irritating lines, and pushy, obnoxious election workers to be the cause of some discontent. Though, near most major cities, the police are trying to hide the fact that they have ramped up their forces in anticipation of, what they call, “bat-shit craziness”.

In downtown Chicago, this evening, the Democratic Presidential Candidate, Barack Obama, will be holding an election night celebration. Not to make this too personal, but I will be there, take that. Sorry, I’m just very excited.

It’s possible, that the other guy, McCrain, will be having some kind of party as well, but that hasn’t been announced. Nor does anyone care. After all, an evening of prunes, Jimmy Buffet, and going to bed early is hardly a party.

It is not the intention of this publication to seem biased in any way, but we have more important things to do today, it’s freakin’ Election Day.

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Monday, November 3, 2008

Early Voter Makes Mockery of Self, Democracy

Louisville, KY – Chuck McHenry, a young voter, might just as well have stayed home this year. Having turned nineteen earlier this year, this was the first general election in which McHenry could vote.

 According to disappointed friends and family, McHenry took the initiative and went to vote early. More than thirty states have authorized early voting in this general election.

 “We expect the voter turnout this year to be huge,” said Mike Connelly, a volunteer at a Louisville area early voting site. “Mostly because of the historic nature of this election.”

 Despite that historic nature, McHenry thought his vote would be put to best use amusing himself.

 “Dave Matthews rocks,” shouted McHenry as he hopped out of his local polling place. “Now if, like, a bunch of other people vote for him, he could be president or something.”

 Allegedly, McHenry indicated popular musician Dave Matthews as write in candidate for President.

 “I don’t think Chuck should be allowed to vote, or listen to music,” stated Sharon McHenry, Chuck’s older sister. “I don’t even think he knows why this election is important.”

 Chuck McHenry defends his selection.

 “I don’t like either of the guys running for president,” argued an indignant McHenry. “They just want the same crap. I think they’re both lying. Now, we have a chance to have somebody like Dave Matthews in there. Dave Matthews.”

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Friday, October 31, 2008

Godzilla Announces Support For Obama

Endorsement Sends Tokyo Residents Into City-Wide Panic

Tokyo, Japan – Godzilla, King of the Monsters, has announced support for Democratic Presidential Candidate Barack Obama. The endorsement, which comes only days before the election, is being hailed by the Obama campaign as a welcome vote of confidence.

Godzilla has been a Republican as long as he has been registered to vote and argues that this isn’t a change of party, simply a change of ideals. A representative of the 120-story-tall-nuclear-powered-mutant dinosaur, told reporters that though both candidates promise change, Obama is the only one who proposes change Godzilla can agree with.

The announcement was made shortly after Godzilla dramatically rose from the sea and rampaged ominously into the center of Tokyo. Residents of Japan’s largest city began running, screaming through the streets. Currently, Monkey-breath.com has no Japanese-speaking correspondent, but some concepts transcend language. Even Tokyo residents are swept up into the political fervor that is gripping the United States.

Many Republicans vehemently opposed the validity of the celebrity endorsement, alleging that Godzilla’s opinion is irrelevant, as he cannot vote in the U.S. being a citizen of Japan.

“Godzilla is not a citizen of Japan,” stated Guy Yoroshiku, Head of Public Relations for Godzilla. “His parents were dinosaurs, born on the land that is now North America, Godzilla was born on that same land.”

Does this make Godzilla an American citizen? The courts say no, but that’s not the whole
story, says Yoroshiku.

“My employer was in suspended animation for sixty-five million years, at the bottom of the ocean,” explains the passionate PR representative. “He was both awakened and transformed by a nuclear bomb launched from the U.S. Because of this, the U.S. Supreme Court Decided in the benchmark “Monster Island v. The United States” case of 1958, that Monster Island was an American territory, giving Godzilla the right to vote. Also, due to sheer mass, he controls nine electoral votes.”

As the colossal voter barreled through the Tokyo streets declaring his support for the Illinois Senator, citizens of Tokyo were moved by his political enthusiasm. Many decided to shriek and sprint ahead of him, presumably clearing the way for global change.

Others were not so permissive. The Japanese military hurried to attack the giant constituent; some are saying the act was an unspoken endorsement of Obama’s opponent, Arizona Senator John McCain.

When asked to comment on the endorsement, the McCain campaign offered a cryptic statement.

“We’ve already got several monsters backing the Republican Party."

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Thursday, October 30, 2008

Mr. Owl Discredited for Unscientific Practices

Berkeley, CA – Earlier this week, beloved mascot for Tootsie Roll Industries, Mr. Owl was relieved of his tenure at the University of California, Berkeley. The decision was made amid allegations of unscientific practices, and what administrators called, “psuedo-science”.

“He was often lazy, never thorough, and a slave to his own gluttony,” said Charles Whitmer, a member of the school’s administrative staff. “Never once in all his years teaching at this University did he make it all the way through an experiment without biting.”

According to reports, Mr. Owl was prone to attempting to use the scientific method for the exploration of whatever issue was at hand, but he always fell pray to an insane lust for biting.

“I think he was sick,” stated Jamie Muller, a former student of Mr. Owl. “I don’t mean, like, gross, or anything. Just sick. One time he was helping me pour some really thick chemical. We were measuring it out. I was like, ‘I need three milliliters’. So Mr. Owl goes, ‘One…a-Two-hoo…Three’, and he bites the graduated cylinder right in half!”

Staff members at the University were obviously pained as they emptied Mr. Owl’s office on Wednesday. One member of the custodial staff was particularly despondent.

“We even had to take his little graduation cap, I thought that belonged to him.”

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Wednesday, October 29, 2008

MB Has Brush With Greatness, Writing Presidential Acceptance Speeches

Washington, D.C. – Our Editor-in-Chief, Mr. Jackass is a man of many talents. He is an accomplished writer, having made his name preparing speeches for public officials. Of course, he can’t use his real name, or it would jeopardize the public opinion of his various enterprises. He writes speeches under the name Donald Drake.

In an effort to bridge the partisan gap, both presidential candidates chose to approach the same writer to prepare their respective acceptance speeches. They called Mr. Drake. After a meeting with each candidate, taking some notes, and getting an idea for what each of them wanted to say to the public, he began to craft a series of potential addresses for submission.

The following are a sampling of the speeches he prepared. The selection was made to ensure the most comprehensive cross-section of what Mr. Drake wrote.

Speech for McCain:

“My friends, I would like to thank you for electing me to lead this great nation. I’d like to congratulate that one on getting this far. I really didn’t think he would make it. But he surprised me, and took second place; also known as first loser. But I’m in charge now and once my seventy-three year old ticker goes out, Sarah will be in charge and God help, I mean bless, us all.

Speech for Obama:

“Look, um, thank you. I’m so proud to be given this opportunity to help move our great nation into the future. I’d like to thank my wife, Michelle, God, Senator Biden, and everyone else who has been so vital to this campaign. I’d like to congratulate Senator McCain for a battle well fought. Oh, and this time, he didn’t get captured.”

Speech for McCain:

“My fellow Americans, friends, Joe the Plumber, you’ve made a good choice. I’m a maverick. I don’t care what you want, you put me in charge, and I’m gonna do whatever I want. That’s what maverick means! I just go all willy-nilly and do whatever strikes my fancy.”

Speech for Obama:

“Thank you, thank you, it’s really an honor to be elected to this office. My opponent didn’t think it could be done. The GOP didn’t think it could be done. But we did it. There’s a black guy in da White House!”

Speech for McCain:

“You people are so freaking gullible! Ahhahahahahahahaha!” (Unveil giant terrible robot suit powered by nuclear power pants)

Speech for Obama:

(Just dance, pop and lock, or crump, or whatever it is called.)

There were dozens more written, but these were the most moderate and were strongly considered by both candidates. Inexplicably, the candidates purchased none of the speeches prepared by Mr. Drake. But he’s a trooper and will carry on.

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Tuesday, October 28, 2008

First Guy at Work Not Recognized for His Contribution

Detroit, MI – Earl McDonald has worked for the same company for nearly ten years. During his years of faithful service to Pratt and Associates, Inc. McDonald has been early for work almost every day.

Allegedly, the official start of the workday for Pratt employees is eight thirty in the morning, but McDonald arrives at work no later than seven thirty.

“I was just raised to be early for everything,” said McDonald. “Work is no exception.”

Some people are wondering, after so many years of earliness, why is McDonald not being recognized? Surely, his early arrival gives the company a head start on the workday.

“I think I should be recognized for being here an hour early everyday for almost ten years,” stated McDonald. “Maybe an award or something, yeah, I deserve it.”

McDonald presented, to management, a breakdown of what tasks make up his seven thirty to eight thirty hour.

Linda Tripp is McDonald’s immediate supervisor. She was willing to comment on her employee.

“He gave me a piece of paper that read; ‘surfing the web for porn, and pooping,” explained Tripp. “I don’t think he’ll be getting an award anytime soon.

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Monday, October 27, 2008

First Annual Jerk-Off Draws Confused Crowd

St. Louis, MO – What began as a promotion for local radio station, KMRT, became the scene of confusion and unrest yesterday.

“This is a fairly new radio station,” said Station Manager Eric Lewis. “We just wanted to get the word out. I never meant for any of this to happen.”

According to reports, the event was called “KMRT’s First Annual Jerk-Off”. It was a promotional contest in which contestants would compete by being “jerks” to each other. The prize was to be an opportunity to be on air with popular morning radio personality “Jim the Jerk”.

Hundreds of listeners showed up to participate in the contest, but they were greeted by a much bigger crowd than they expected. Thousands of people arrived with different expectations.

“I can’t imagine what they thought we meant,” stated Lewis. “I think ‘Annual Jerk-Off’ is pretty self-explanatory. But those other people were kind of weird and awfully upset when they realized that they were mistaken.”

Lewis says that he will re-think this particular promotion next year, but plans to continue with this year’s “Beat-off and Self-love” competitions.

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Saturday, October 25, 2008

Exclusive Interview with Satan Part 2

Chicago, IL – As promised, this is the continuation of our interview with the Devil.

MB: So you’re a sports fan?

Satan: Not really, I just like mixing things up. Well, I used to play this game that involved turning invisible and slapping toddlers, but I got cut from the team.

MB: I bet that was hard.

Satan: No, not at all, when you’re invisible you can just walk up and whack the s*** out of them.

MB: I meant the being cut thing…never mind. I’m sure your fans are dying to find out, no pun intended. Who is Satan?

Satan: Santa? I think you typed Santa.

MB: I’m not typing at all.

Satan: When you do type this, just be sure to check for typos, because you’re going to type Santa, then you’ll have to go back and fix it.

MB: Thanks, I’ll be careful.

Satan: So you want a personal answer? From the heart?

MB: Be as candid as you want.

Satan: Wow, no one has ever asked that before. I would say the best way to describe me is, “angry loner” or maybe I’d just say that I’m a regular guy who has been hurt. Sometimes I just sit in my favorite chair, drink red wine and cry about all of the mistakes I’ve made.

MB: Really?

Satan: No, you f***ing tool! Dude, my life is awesome. I’m near omnipotent, I’m immortal, I can change shape, fly, travel through time, and I’ve got a Camero, one of the cool ones from the sixties. One time, just for fun, I ate ice cream forty-seven thousand times in one day.

MB: That does sound pretty cool. I don’t really understand what you meant about the ice cream, but still, it’s cool.

Satan: Forty

MB: So—

Satan: Seven

MB: (long pause) So you’re—

Satan: Thousand times.

MB: Got it. So you’re happy with who you are.

Santa: In one day. See I told you.

MB: Told me what?

Satan: You typed Santa. All of your readers are going, “Whoa, what happened? Wait a second, did Santa just show up? This interview is f***ed up!” That’s what they’re saying.

MB: I’ll fix that. May I proceed with the interview?

Satan: Sure, who’s stopping you? Fancy pants.

MB: You are.

Satan: Are you calling me fancy pants?

MB: May I please move on?

Satan: Go ahead.

MB: It’s election season in the U.S. Have you taken a stance on either of the presidential candidates?

Satan: Whoa-ho-ho! That’s it, that’s the million dollar question isn’t it? I try not to get involved in politics, but McCain, oh man. If you painted him red, and put some horns on him, he’d look just like one of my minions, Bill. Bill’s all short and wrinkly (incoherent talking through laughter). We tease him about it all of the time. No, but seriously, Bill’s a good guy.

MB: Now, I’m just going to run down a list of some personal stuff. We actually got this list from write-ins to the website. You know, stuff the fans want to know.

Satan: Shoot.

MB: Favorite book?

Satan: Tie. Either “Atlas Shrugged” or “Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep”?

MB: Favorite Album?

Satan: Suicidal Tendencies “Still Cyco After All These Years”

MB: Favorite Website?

Satan: Monkey-Breath.com! No I’m kidding I don’t read your page ever. You guys suck bad. There’s this page, hellsweethell.net, where some jerk makes me look like an idiot.

MB: Yeah, we know a guy like that. Favorite cereal?

Satan: KIX.

MB: Alright, thanks for your time. I know you’ve got to get going. In the future, I hope we can get you to come back for more of this kind of thing.

Satan: Man, it’ll really cost you guys. This was one of the worst afternoons I’ve ever had.

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Friday, October 24, 2008

Exclusive Interview with Satan (part 1)

Chicago, IL – Though it is a digression from our usual format, we had a rare opportunity to chat with the Prince of Darkness himself. He agreed to an exclusive interview in exchange for…um, some stuff.

MB: First of all, thank you for being here, I know you must have a busy schedule. We don’t usually have such big celebrities; it’s an honor.

Satan: Oh, no problem. I’m a big fan, and I get those two interns’ souls right?

MB: Yeah, sure, just keep that quiet. My first questions are really about your portrayal by the media and cultural associations that you may not have fully endorsed. Heavy Metal, was that yours, or was the connection erroneous?

Satan: At first it was mine, when everybody hated it. Then it got really big in the eighties and I couldn’t even stand it. It hasn’t really recovered.

MB: Marilyn Manson?

Satan: Who?

MB: George W. Bush?

Satan: Oh, I wish! That guy is so much more absurdly f***ed up than I could possibly have made him. Maybe he made a deal with one of those cool old Sumerian gods or something. You know, like gods with a squid for a face. You wanna see pissed off and wrathful, try waking up with a squid for a face. No, but seriously, I said I wasn’t going to do shtick today. Dubya wasn’t mine.

MB: Harry Potter?

Satan: Whoa, okay, that’s just ridiculous. That series is a shallow attempt at creating a significant literary work by haphazardly amalgamating centuries of British and continental European pseudo-folklore. Definitely not mine.

MB: Witchcraft?

Satan: I was hoping you’d bring that up, those hippy f***s irritate the s*** out of me. For the record, write this down…

MB: We’re recording this.

Satan: Good. For the record, I hate everyone who thinks I would like them. If you’re worshipping me and calling it witchcraft, you’re doing it wrong. If you’re practicing witchcraft the right way, you’re just plain obnoxious.

MB: Okay, being that this is October, there’s a certain holiday this month that some people refer to as “the Devil’s Holiday”. What are your thoughts?

Satan: I wait all year for that day. When the veil is lifted, my minions can walk the Earth and I am at my most powerful. Humans who participate in the festivities are calling out for my triumphant return. It’s absolutely true; Columbus Day is my holiday.

MB: Is there anything that you do that you don’t get credit for?

Satan: (Grins) Baseball. I rig the World Series just about every year. The big guy upstairs favors the Yankees, but I like to mix it up.

MB: “The big guy upstairs”?

Satan: Yeah, Larry. He’s the four hundred pound data entry guy who works on the fifth floor.

MB: Oh, Mr. Grant. He does love the Yankees.

We will be continuing the interview tomorrow, please come back for “Exclusive interview with Satan part 2”.

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Thursday, October 23, 2008

Real-life Scooby Doo Found Dead

Gettysburg, PA – Scooby was a nine year old Great Dane who helped Marcus DeWitt and Louis Alexander with their paranormal investigations. Alexander and DeWitt run a small “ghost busting and mystery solving” company called, Ghost of a Chance.

“Scooby was a great dog,” explained DeWitt, who served as the dog’s primary trainer. “He was all about sniffing out ghosts.”

The dog was found dismembered in the allegedly haunted home of Mr. Jenkins. According to reports, the team was hired to rid the house of a violent poltergeist.

“We would always send Scoob in first,” said DeWitt. “He’d sniff them out, bark a whole lot, and we knew exactly where to find the ghosts…or any, like, sausages or anything people left lying around. That dog loved to eat.”

“I never told Marcus,” noted Alexander. “But this was our sixth Scooby. I had to replace them so he wouldn’t find out; they just kept dying. That’s what happens when you get a big dog stoned and send him into a house full of evil spirits.”

As a result of the tragedy, the paranormal investigators failed to complete the task of ridding the home of its ghost. Allegedly, they did find this mask…and a piece of Mr. Jenkins’ coveralls…and a basement full of gold?

This mystery is solved. It was…Mr. Jenkins. Reportedly, he would’ve gotten away with it too, had it not been for that hungry, toasted dog.

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Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Holy Crap! Pies Are On Sale!

DeKalb, ILIt is not the intention of this publication to alarm anybody, but there has been a monumental discovery at a local grocery store. According to reports, the retailer is having a buy one get one free sale on pies. 

 These types of sales are called by different names by underground, sale seeking clubs, sources suggest. Street names for this kind of sale include “BoGo” and “two for one”.

 The local sale applies to all fruit pies; cream-style pies are excluded.

 Manager of the store, Marjorie Hanson, has been admittedly optimistic about the groundbreaking sale.

 “I like pies,” said Marjorie.

 Little information was given by the local authorities in regards to the probability of similar sales in the future. The assumption is that the local police department will release any pie sale information as soon as it becomes available.

 Ms. Hanson explained that apple and cherry have been the most popular varieties during this sale, but she doesn’t rule out a late in the game surge in popularity for strawberry rhubarb.

 “Apple and cherry have been the most popular varieties during this sale,” explained Hanson. “But I don’t rule out a late in the game surge in popularity for strawberry rhubarb.”

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Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Frustrated Fed: Why Don’t You Just Stimulate Yourself?

Washington, D.C. – The Federal Reserve Board is tired of issuing one stimulus after another and getting no response. The Federal government issued a massive stimulus package earlier this year, but the economy showed little interest.

 After the Wall Street bailout that happened last month had little effect on the overall stimulation of the nation’s finances, the Fed has seemed more irritable than usual.

 “You know, I used to feel personally responsible for this type of thing,” said Reserve Board Chairman Ben Bernanke. “But I’m starting to think that it isn’t me. I think the economy doesn’t want to be stimulated, not by us anyway.”

 Many have argued that getting angry at the economy is hardly the solution to this problem, but Bernanke says it’s difficult not to be a little frustrated.

 “It’s actually kind of embarrassing,” said Bernanke. “If I can’t stimulate my economy who will? And I’m not even sure I want anyone else taking care of the economy. I promised we’d work through this, but I can’t take it much longer.”

 Several other officials have expressed the emotional distress caused by the current financial climate.

 One prominent lawmaker issued this bitter suggestion to the economy,

 “I give up, Why don’t you just stimulate yourself?” 

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Monday, October 20, 2008

Bears Win By Scoring Points, Fans Baffled

Chicago, IL – The Chicago Bears won with a seven-point lead over the Vikings on Sunday. Players, coaches and fans alike were all a bit confused about the outcome.

 “Yeah, they scored points,” said one Chicago fan. “But where was the defense? How do you win a game without powerful defense?”

 This seems to be the prevailing sentiment among Bears fans and players.

 ‘This is a team that has always relied on defense,” said Bears Quarterback, Kyle Orton. “I know it’s kind of my job to score points, but I didn’t really think it could be done. Hell, most of the guys on the team didn’t even know you could score points in football.”

 After some extensive research, we have discovered that, in fact, the Chicago Bears can score points during a game.

 During that same research, our staff has discovered the following, intriguing facts about Chicago sports teams;


-         The Blackhawks are eligible to compete for the Stanley Cup

-         The White Sox are capable of playing an entire season well

-         The Bulls still exist

-         The Cubs are not a figment of our imagination

Lance Cooper writes the Sports section of Monkey-Breath.com. He is currently in the bathtub eating a taco. Lance is the author of the bestselling book "Whooo!!! Sports" which can be found in local book stores.

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Saturday, October 18, 2008

Pfizer Announces Miracle Drug, Placebonex™

New York, NY Yesterday pharmaceuticals giant Pfizer announced the beginning of full scale production of a new medication that many are calling a “miracle drug”.

The product in question is called Placebonex™ . According to the Food and Drug Administration it has been proven effective against everything from the common cold to terminal cancer.
“We have been researching the commercial viability of Placebo-type medications for decades,” read a written statement from the New York based corporation. “In clinical trials, Placebonex™ has proven to effectively treat diseases, disorders, infections, inflammations, and boo-boos approximately forty percent of the time. Though other drugs have tested more effectively in specific conditions, none have shown such promising versatility.”

The FDA report on Placebonex™ states that the chemical make-up of the pill has been thoroughly tested and only poses a threat if the person taking it is told that it is poison.
“Placebonex™ is very inexpensive and easy to manufacture, consisting primarily of sugar,” explained a Pfizer representative. “The per-unit production cost minimal compared to the cost of other drugs. Production requires literally fractions of a Yuan (the currency of China, where the medication is made). Because of this amazingly low overhead cost, we are able to sell Placebonex™ to the public at the bargain price of only forty American dollars per pill.”

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Friday, October 17, 2008

Report Suggests That We “Just Stop The ‘Conomy”

Lawton, OK – According to an informal study done at Martin VanBuren Elementary school, the ‘conomy must be stopped. The study, conducted by Billy Dwyer, a second grader, collected data from “everybody”. Dwyer’s assistant clarified the ambiguous “everyone” by defining it as the 39 second-graders who were in attendance that day.

 “I just heard so much ‘bout the ‘conomy,” stated a frustrated Dwyer. “My mom and dad said it was bad and we might have to move because of it. My dad said it’s because of those pascerds on Mall Street and the depuglicams.”

 Dwyer reportedly decided to do the study as a project for the school’s annual Democracy fair.

 “My teacher, Mrs. Stevens said we had to do a project about the election,” Dwyer explained. “I asked everybody what we should do about the ‘conomy. Everybody said it was dumb.”

 According to the report, more than sixty percent of the children asked said that they disagreed with the ‘conomy. Assessments of the current financial situation were bleak and few understood why the federal government continued using a broken system.

 Experts have said the findings are evidence of a general realization that we are in a recession. One member of Mrs. Stevens’ second grade class shared her cynical fears for the coming holiday season.

 “What if Santa has a bad ‘conomy?” asked eight-year-old Sally Gibb. “Then we won’t get presents, I gotta get a new bike.”

 Ms. Gibb echoed the concerns of many Americans. After all, isn't that what we're all asking, “Where’s my new bike?”

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Thursday, October 16, 2008

Presidential Debate Alienates, Confuses Bob The Builder

Hempstead, NY – Last night’s Presidential debate was the scene of more intense discussion than the previous two. Voters heard the candidates show more direct aggression toward each other, as well as, communicate more directly to the voters.

 The centerpiece of the debate seemed to be a particular voter named Joe the Plumber. Both candidates appeared to be addressing him directly, which many fear alienated the average voter.

 Though currently residing in the UK, popular children’s icon, Bob the Builder, is a registered voter in the United States.

 “Both of them were talking to this Joe the Plumber,” said Mr. Builder. “What about Bill the Electrician? What about Bob the Builder? We need considerations; tax cuts for other working class people. I, like this Joe, am defined by what I do for a living. It’s who I am”

 Many other viewers found the candidates’ statements cryptic and alienating.

 “There are all of these problems with the economy and I just wanted to hear one thing from them,” stated Builder. “Can we fix it? They didn’t answer.”

 The largest point of confusion for many members of the audience was Senator McCain’s recommendation for the construction of several “nuclear power pants”.

 “I don’t even know what nuclear power pants are,” explained Builder. “I don’t think anybody does.”

 Joe the Plumber may be an influential figure in his hometown, but it’s not unwarranted to have concerns for Bob the Builder.

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Wednesday, October 15, 2008

10 T.V. Shows That Didn’t Make it To Air This Season

Title: Jim Nabors’ Smelly House
Plot: Twenty-five attractive yet socially diverse people have to battle it out inside a smelly house. The show is hosted by its creator, Jim Nabors.
Tagline: “Shazam, that’s a smelly house!”
Why it didn’t make it: Scheduling conflicts between Mr. Nabors and the network.

Title: Theme Song
Plot: The show consists entirely of the show’s theme music. It runs for twenty-two minutes with three commercial breaks.
Why it didn’t make it: Didn’t test well with the hearing impaired.

Title: Remember Happy Days?
Plot: Classic episodes of the iconic sitcom are performed live by the original actors.
Tagline: “If you thought it was popular when it was culturally relevant…”
Why it didn’t make it: The one-two ginger punch of Ron Howard and Donnie Most was too much for the public to tolerate a second time.

Title: Super Happy Fun Show
Plot: A prime-time drama imported directly from Japan. The show follows a family who is somehow shamed and their entertaining quest filled with sexual tension and misunderstandings.
Why it didn’t make it: American audiences felt the plot was too difficult to understand, also the language.

Title: Typical Cop Drama
Plot: He was a cop who lost everything. Now, the only thing that stands between him and revenge is his partner.
Tagline: “He was a cop.”
Why it didn’t make it: It was already airing on several other networks.

Title: NBC’s Neurosis
Plot: NBC alums Jerry Seinfeld, Courtney Cox, Bebe Neuwirth, and Tina Fey sit around a table together and obsess over their individual neurosis.
Tagline: “You know what kills me?”
Why it didn’t make it: Despite talented stars Tina Fey and Bebe Neuwirth, the show was determined to be too similar to Seinfeld.

Title: Hogan’s Heroes Redux
Plot: Oliver Stone makes his television debut with a re-imagined Hogan’s Heroes. His plan is to show the viewing public what it was really like.
Why it didn’t make it: Nobody wants to see what it was really like.

Title: While You Were Sleeping
Plot: Viewers write in for a chance to surprise their friends by doing something while they are asleep. The pilot episode included washing the car, cooking a meal, and a few pranks.
Why it didn’t make it: Too many of the activities taking place legally qualified as sodomy or criminal sexual assault.

Title: The Scary Report
Plot: Around the clock coverage of world events delivered in the most nerve-racking way possible. Designed to cripple the audience with paranoid fear.
Tagline: “You don’t fear half as much as you should.”
Why it didn’t make it: Fox News Channel sued for copyright infringement.

Title: Leprosy Island
Plot: One dozen of the toughest contestants are dropped on an island and infected with leprosy. The survivor wins one million dollars.
Tagline: “Watch our contestants fall to pieces.”
Why it didn’t make it: The winner has to stay on the island.

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Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Shamu To Receive Treatment for Eating Disorder

San Diego, CA – One of Sea world’s famous orcas (many share the Shamu stage name) was admitted yesterday to a clinic for compulsive overeating. The orca’s trainer, Kimberly Pearson has agreed to accompany the killer whale.

“Her real name is Molly,” said Pearson. “And Molly has a problem. She just can’t stop eating or gaining weight. Through her primitive whale means, she can communicate with me. I understand her pain when she tells me things like ‘I’m hungry’ and ‘I want more [food].”

Reportedly, Pearson and Molly have made several attempts to control the problem themselves, to no avail.

“She’s tried the all-fish diet,” stated Pearson. “But that didn’t work. We tried the Phelps plan; where you swim all day. It’s supposed to be a good work out, but she’s just not losing weight.”

Pearson expressed a heart wrenching concern for her companion. Molly the orca weighs a shocking 9500 lbs.

“The other day I asked her how she felt about her weight,” recalled Pearson. “She just said, ‘I’m a whale’. I tried to tell her that it wasn’t true; she’s not as big as she thinks. She wouldn’t listen. I tried to tell her how beautiful she is, we just need to keep working on it.”

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Monday, October 13, 2008

Modern Day Columbus Arrested for Trespassing

St. Louis, MO – In tribute to his favorite historical figure, Brian Richards a Milwaukee resident, set out to discover something on the eve of this year’s Columbus Day.

Early Sunday afternoon, Richards “discovered” the home of Mark and Denise Rutledge outside of St. Louis.

“I don’t know how he got in,” said Mark Rutledge. “But he was just standing there in our kitchen. When I tried to ask him what he was doing here, he called my a dumb savage and told me he was claiming this land.”

According to reports, Richards insisted that the home was uninhabited and seemed a little confused about the geographic location of his “discovery”.

“After he told me I was going to be traded as a slave, he kept saying that we were in California,” stated Rutledge. “I tried to tell him that this is Missouri, but he just called me dumb and demanded my spices. My wife called the police.”

Richards was arrested, but will likely be cleared of all charges and regarded as a hero.

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Friday, October 10, 2008

Children’s Author Penned Farewell Book

“F*** All You Little Bastards” Hits Best-Seller List

Dover, DE – Ray Laporte wrote children’s books, it was his life’s ambition. Over the last three years he had written twelve of them, which were all rejected by publishers. Laporte lived with his parents and worked at a local electronics store.

Laporte died last week of what experts are saying was an overdose of whiskey and over-the-counter cough medicine. Found in Laporte’s hands was a manuscript of his final book. The book was entitled “F*** All You Little Bastards” and has been called Laporte’s most insightful work.

“F*** all of you f***ers, f*** your stupid face, You stupid little bastards, I’ll kill you with my mace.”

This was the opening line from Laporte’s final book. Many are saying it is a window deep into his soul and a work that everyone should experience.

Laporte’s father, John, has had trouble coping with the loss of his son.

“He wasn’t the best writer, we all knew that,” said John Laporte. “But he had a kind and loving heart and he just wanted to make the children happy. I’d like to read an excerpt from his final work:
‘You fickle, facist, f***ing f***-faces, I hate you all so much. My God! Why won’t you publish my books? You’re children are morons, you’re all f***ing crooks. I think you stole my ideas, and poisoned my scotch. If you were here now, I make…um…I can’t rhyme with scotch!”

The book has been published posthumously with all profits going to fund the construction of the “F***ing Laporte Children’s Library” in Dover. Literary critics are calling this one of the most influential children’s books since “Go, Dog, Go”.

Only time will tell if “F*** All You Little Bastards” will become a nursery classic, but if early sales are any indicator, the prospect looks good.

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Thursday, October 9, 2008

S.F. Rock and Roll Infrastructure Crumbling

Mayor Asks for Federal Aid

San Francisco, CA – A lot of vision went into the growth of one of America’s largest cities, San Francisco. Mayor Gavin Newsom says that hard work, vision, and hope weren’t the only components.

“We built this city on rock and roll,” confidently stated Newsom. “And I don’t mean figuratively, there is a legitimate framework of rock and roll in this city.”

Newsom explained that the original city planners were a bit shortsighted in using so much of the volatile material.

“This great city, which I love, is crumbling from the bottom up,” Newsom told reporters with a somber tone. “Unfortunately, when we built this city on rock and roll, we didn’t take into account the very dynamic nature of the medium. Just like in the 1980s, rock and roll is going through some serious changes, which could spell disaster for San Francisco.”

Newsom called to city, state, and federal authorities for sympathy and assistance.

“If they can bailout Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac,” noted Newsom. “They can certainly help out here in Frisco. Our largest concern is research; we have no detailed information as to how to maintain rock and roll. A detailed account of the fact that we built this city on rock and roll was recorded by the band ‘Starship’, but no advice was given on the subject of maintenance.”

The Mayor’s Office has since suggested that perhaps that song was about Los Angeles.

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Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Monkey-Breath Staff Beaten Severely

Dear Readers,

This is to inform you that the, usually reliable, staff of comedy writers here at Monkey-Breath.com did not provide an article for you to read today. These award-winning writers, some of which are Ivy Leaguers, lacked the wherewithal to write anything funny. They felt that covering the “hot-button” topics such as, last night’s debate, the credit crisis, and the Loch Ness monster releasing her third album, as trite.

I’m writing in hopes that this dereliction of duty won’t stop you from coming back to read Monkey-Breath, or recommending it to your many attractive friends. As a show of good faith, I have beaten my staff into a near comatose state. I give you my word that these elitist, Oxford comma using, Mac-jockeys won’t let you down again. Please don’t stop reading Monkey-Breath.com. Please continue to tell your friends about us, tattoo our web address on your face, name your children Monkey-Breath.com, submit us to Digg, put us on your facebook/myspace page, all of those normal things you would do with a wonderful upstart news satire page of as high a quality as Monkey-Breath.com.

I assure you that my staff will cease this irresponsible behavior and continue to churn out quality satire. There will be a hilarious article, which will be appropriate for discussing around the water cooler at work tomorrow morning. Again, I’ve beaten them into comas with my bare hands, nothing is more important to me than the quality control of this website. Wait, if they’re all comatose…who is going to write the…


Henry Q. Jackass
Editor-In-Chief, Monkey-Breath.com

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Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Social Calendar Replaced by T.V. Listings

Des Moines, IA – Autumn is a significant time of year for many; the beginning of a new school year, the football season, winterization of your car. Nancy Sanders is no exception.

“It’s almost like I’m going away to school,” said Sanders. “I don’t see or talk to anybody from September until April or May.”

Like many Americans, Sanders becomes dedicated to watching all of her favorite shows. Sanders explained that she tries to avoid getting involved in watching too many television programs, but finds resistance futile.

“It’s hard,” she noted. “I pretty much watch Fox for drama and NBC for comedy. If I tried to add anymore, it would be too much. The shows would overlap. As is, I have ‘Terminator’ on Monday, Tuesday is ‘Fringe’, ‘Bones’ is on Wednesday, Thursday is a conflict between NBC’s ‘Must See’ line-up and ‘Supernatural’, it’s really a chore.”

Sanders stated that despite her hectic television-viewing schedule, Friday evenings are surprisingly empty.

“Friday nights feel a like hollow, soul-less abyss,” explained Sanders. “Friday is usually movie night, but it’s just not the same. Sometimes I wish I could just sleep through the whole day and get on to the quality weekend programming.”

Suggestions have been made that Sanders subscribe to cable or satellite so she could catch re-runs of her favorite shows, but the idea seems unacceptable to her.

Carthag the Pernicious is a ten thousand year old being of unspeakable horror. He writes the Arts and Culture section of Monkey-Breath.com and has a movie review page on rottentomatoes.com

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