Thursday, July 31, 2008

Advertiser Disappointed with Super-Bowel Ad Space

New York, NY – The Super-bowl is the most watched annual television event in America. It’s no wonder that advertisers clamor to pay top dollar for ad space during the big game.

A national corporation, which prefers not to be named, found a very attractive deal on what was thought to be Super-bowl ad space. According to reports, the corporation is now taking legal action against the man who sold the advertising slot.

The corporation is claiming the nature and location of the advertising space is harmful for the brand and is suing for an undisclosed amount.

Jim Dawkins, head of the marketing division for the company in question, was the one who was allegedly duped.

“Okay, that’s just misleading,” stated Dawkins. “It really looks like it says ‘Super-bowl’. Besides, what kind of sick weirdo would advertise Super-bowel ad space? Who would put themselves through that? I mean, it’s got to be painful. Really, I don’t even know how he did that.”

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Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Judge Judy Calmly Accepts Rapture

Los Angeles, CA – On July 29, 2008, an earthquake disturbed the city of Los Angeles. Millions of people and daily activities were interrupted; among these was a taping of the popular court television show, Judge Judy.

“Everything was going normally,” explained Mark Koehler, an audience member. “Then everything started to shake. We were all kind of scared and people started running out of the room.”

According to reports, the show’s host, Judge Judith Sheindlin, quickly reacted to the seismic event. Once she noticed the shaking, Judge Judy allegedly got up, and headed for an exit located behind the bench.

Witnesses say that the former family court Judge calmly walked into the hallway, raised her arms and shouted, “Come and get me you son of a bitch!”

“As she (Judge Judy) was walking out of the room, I tried to make sure she was alright,” stated the show’s stage manager. “She didn’t respond at all. She was just walking and mumbling something.”

What Judge Judy was mumbling was caught on her microphone, which she neglected to remove as she fled.

“The recording was difficult to make out,” noted Sal Martone, a sound engineer for Judge Judy. “All we could get was, she kept saying, ‘ I knew it, here it comes, he said he’d be coming for me.”

Apparently, this wasn’t the first such incident. Family members of Judge Judy say that this is similar to how she reacts to every earthquake; calmly resigned mumbling. Loved ones claim no knowledge of who is ‘coming for her’.
Experts suggest that perhaps Judge Judy’s entranced ramblings and erratic behavior are due to some long past deal with Satan, but admit that there is too little evidence to be sure.

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Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Lenient Crumpled Dollar Policy Boosts Approval Rating

Oak Park, IL – “This is the highest approval rating we’ve ever seen,” explained Bill Richter. “We’re looking at numbers around ninety-eight percent approval.” Richter is a floor supervisor at The Plastic Arts, a local plastics company. He is also the assessor of approval data.

According to reports, a recent poll of employees shows a significant change in public opinion. Last month, the company’s vending machine of nearly ten years was replaced with a newer model. Allegedly, the new machine has a very lenient policy regarding the use of crumpled, or otherwise damaged dollar bills. This is a drastic change from the previous administration’s strict “brand new dollar policy.

“I think it represents a change in the basic mindset of the worker,” noted Sally Welker, an entry-level employee. “Until recently, the policies of our vending machine showed people outside the company that we were onboard with strict dollar taking standards. And it didn’t help that last time we had a chance to change things, we didn’t.”

Welker referred to an opportunity in 2004 for the company to change contracts with vending machine distributors. The option to get a new machine was put to a vote. Allegedly, despite losing the popular vote among employees, the incumbent vendor retained its position. Management explains the discrepancy by noting that the employees were actually voting for representatives who would then promise to vote for a vendor. Employees have called the system confusing and obsolete.

“We’d like to put that whole 2004 thing behind us,” stated Richter. “The point is, now we have a machine that everyone can agree with.”

Management at The Plastic Arts has expressed some concerns about the overall corporate benefit of the new vending machine. However, management admits that public approval is undeniable and perhaps, this will be a change for the better.
Controversial policies of the new machine include a willingness to accept crumpled dollar bills, torn currency, and the relatively new, state-specific quarters.

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Monday, July 28, 2008

Family Terrorized By Phantom Limb

Michigan City, IN – Bill Hammacher and his family have lived in the same home for nearly eight years. According to the Hammachers, the past eight years have been without incident.

That is, until eighteen months ago when Bill lost his hand in a work related accident. Since then, the family reports being plagued by the spirit of Bill’s hand.

“Sometimes I feel pain in that hand,” stated Bill. “But I know it’s not there.”

Phantom limb syndrome is common; appearing in 50 to 80 percent of all amputees.

“I’ll catch things out of the corner of my eye,” noted Mary Hammacher, Bill’s wife. “All of these mysterious hand things keep happening. Things will get typed, buttons will get pressed, my rings will be scattered around the room; but nobody has been in there. This phantom limb is a nuisance. If you had told me before that there were such things, I’d tell you I didn’t believe in ghosts.”

Allegedly, within the Hammacher’s home, gloves are worn and strewn about the house, wristwatches have been found all over the floors. Even the Hammacher’s two children report having dealt with the mischievous phantom.

“Sometimes, when we’re watching TV, the channel will just change,” stated Rachel, the Hammacher’s twelve year old daughter. “I think it’s daddy’s hand because, you know, a hand can work a remote.”

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Sunday, July 27, 2008

Area Inventor Disillusioned Upon Discovering Library

Scottsbluff, NE – Bill Quibbly, a 35 year old inventor, had a revolutionary idea, according to reports.

“I love books,” explained Quibbly. “I just got so tired of going to the book store, paying full price for books, reading them once, and never looking at them again. I’m not going to read a book more than once to justify paying full price for it.”

Allegedly, it was this type of thinking that lead Quibbly to, what he considered, his greatest idea.

“I thought if I can rent a movie,” explained Quibbly. “Why can’t I rent a book?”

Reportedly, Quibbly’s idea involved a large building, which was essentially a repository for all manner of books. Customers would go to the building, which Quibbly called a “book dome” or “book fortress”, and rent the books for a nominal fee. To ensure that the books would be returned, customers would be issued membership cards to help track the book.

Quibbly believed that his “book domes” would replace the book store industry almost entirely.

Sources say that one of Quibbly’s friends indicated the remarkable similarity of the idea to the public library concept. Quibbly then visited his first library.

Quibbly could not be reached for comment, but those close to him describe his recent behavior as “mopey”.

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Saturday, July 26, 2008

Poorly Planned Charity Run Leads to Chaos

Des Moines, IA – The first annual “10k for the blind” seemed like a typical charity run. Spectators gathered in the streets of downtown Des Moines yesterday as participants began to line up.

“It was going great,” explained John Parker, a spectator. “But once they fired the starter pistol, it got a little too real. The runners went in all directions. They were plowing into each other, falling down, groping through the crowd; it was awful.”

According to the event organizers, this was completely unexpected.

“The route of the race was not a difficult one,” stated Maggie Schlemmer, a representative from, A Sight For Sore Eyes, the non-profit organization which established the “10k for the blind”. “Participants were to run in a straight line for nearly half the race, then they would turn once. It’s an easy path to follow even for the blind people we had running the race.”

Many were shocked to discover that the event was not intended to benefit the blind, but rather was a run for the blind.

“We just assumed they would hold onto each other or something,” noted Schlemmer.

Several dozen people were injured during the four minute event. There were no fatalities and all of the injured people are in stable condition, according to reports. A spokesperson for the local hospital had this to say;

“It looks like everyone will be alright, although, several of the injured may never regain their eyesight.”

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Friday, July 25, 2008

Apple Invades Oregon as Part of Operation iConquest

Portland, OR - Invading forces crossed into Oregon this morning, allegedly originating from Apple Computer Inc. in Cupertino, CA.

According to reports, Oregon police and military is not prepared or equipped to combat Apple’s trendy looking, functional, and well-designed invading army.

“There’s something about the invasion force that seems very inviting,” stated Bill Savini, a representative from the Oregon state police. “They look sleek, sexy, and user friendly. They don’t interface directly with our current government or the systems we’re used to, but were told that this is an issue that’s being addressed.”

Moments after the invasion force crossed the southern border of the state, there were already rumors circulating regarding the next phase of Apple’s iConquest. Many residents seem to believe that the next phase will include video of some sort and increased storage capacity.

Apple CEO Steve Jobs made the following statement;

“All will bow before my power! Do not resist. I assure you that we are working on ways to interface seamlessly with your current lifestyle. You will be helped by our award winning customer service! Resistance is futile.”
Jobs, always a captivating speaker, did well to calm the concerns of Oregon residents. Speculation suggests that Apple will continue on toward Washington, but Apple hasn’t announced anything yet.

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Thursday, July 24, 2008

Suspicions Confirmed as Californians Begin Contracting “Gay”

Sacramento, CA – The legalization of same-sex marriage was a bold move for the state of California. The decision came with its share of critics and opponents.

New findings seem to be supporting the opposition. According to reports from the California Centers for Disease Control, reported cases of “Gay” are on the rise.

“We always believed that there was something wrong with it,” explained Charles Porter, a long-time critic of same-sex marriage. “We just couldn’t put our fingers on it. But this is it; this was our fear all along. As soon as you start letting them come out in public, everybody starts catching ‘gay’. Hell, I have a friend who has been feeling a little gay, I’m not, no, not me, I think I’m immune, but it’s just not right.”

Martin Wright, an administrator at the Sacramento Center for Disease Control, says the situation is dire.

“We’ve had reports of regular, non-fruity, citizens bursting into lively song,” noted Wright. “It’s a virtual pandemic of show tunes, interior decoration, and hair styling. The city has never looked or sounded better. It’s really sad.”

Rachel Norris, spokeswoman for the Sacramento GLBT association, simply calls for sound logic and reasoning.

“Homosexuality is not contagious,” said Norris. “I can’t stress that enough. Homosexuality is not a disease, it’s not contagious, and everyone is safe.”
Local authorities stated, though no citizen has been willing to admit coming down with “gay”, many residents have identified their neighbors and co-workers as showing symptoms.

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Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Gang Members Exchange Guns For Kites

Gun Violence Down 80%, Kite Violence Up 600%

Chicago, IL – Gang related violence has seen a staggering increase this year and police have been struggling to keep up.

As the weather began to change this summer, officials within the Chicago police department proposed a new program to help combat the epidemic of gun violence. The city-funded program was called “Guns for Kites” and was similar in nature to previous weapon exchange programs.

Citizens were urged to turn over firearms, no questions asked, to receive kites. The program was intended to decrease the number of fire arms on the street while simultaneously providing a means to occupy otherwise idle youth.

“The plan went off without a hitch,” stated a representative from the police department. “We collected over three hundred guns. Almost immediately, reports of gun violence began to drop, and they continue to do so.”

Critics say that the CPD assessment of things is shortsighted and over-simplified.

“Yes, gun violence is down,” explained one city council member. “But gang violence hasn’t decreased at all. In fact, fatal kite attacks have gone up by an astounding six hundred percent. Is this something we, as the government, are willing to take responsibility for? I for one, am not comfortable with putting these dangerous weapons in the hands of citizens. Kites are made with one purpose, and one purpose alone; to kill.”

According to reports, the Chicago police department has begun to outfit patrol officers with anti-kite armor. There have also been suggestions that special gang control units be issued kites as well; the city council has yet to make a decision.

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Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Insurgents Opposed Troop Surge

Washington, D.C. – Republican presidential hopeful, Senator John McCain, spoke yesterday concerning his long-standing opinion of the Bush administration’s troop surge of 2007.

Support, or opposition of the troop surge has been a huge point of contention between key figures of the U.S. government. Sen. McCain has criticized his opponent in the upcoming presidential race, Democratic Senator Barack Obama, for his opposition of the massive troop surge.

“This was different,” explained Angela Carter, a political correspondent. “Senator McCain wasn’t going after his political opponents. During his speech, he brought to light the opinions of other groups involved in the war.”

Senator McCain hammered Iraqi insurgents for their vehement opposition to the troop surge.

“When the surge was first proposed,” said McCain. “Insurgents in Iraq made it perfectly clear that they were against it. Even now, after having seen the results, the insurgents still claim that it wasn’t the best course of action.”

McCain continued to say that he and the Republican Party see this political stance as a lack of foresight and a clear indication of an ill-informed opinion.

“If it were up to them (insurgents),” said McCain. “We’d never have been there in the first place; where would they be then? Where would the insurgents have been if we hadn’t sent wave after wave of U.S. forces in there? I think the answer is obvious.”

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Monday, July 21, 2008

Fans: Michael Caine’s Face Not Big Enough

Chicago, IL – This weekend, Chicago’s Navy Pier Imax Theater hosted a 72 hour event to celebrate the opening of this year’s highly anticipated film, The Dark Knight. The overwhelming opinion from fans is that the film met, or exceeded, expectations.

Unfortunately, not all fans were so pleased with the movie. The most common complaint was a concern with the size of Oscar-winner Michael Caine’s face.

“I saw it at the Imax,” stated Don Ehrenhaft, a local nerd. “And Michael Caine’s face was only, like, five stories tall! That’s it, five stories. I could barely see his weird eye thing.”

Fans referred to actor Michael Caine who played Alfred, Bruce Wayne (Batman)’s butler. This was a reprisal of the same role from 2005’s Batman begins.

“I’m a big fan of Batman,” continued Ehrenhaft. “It’s really disappointing that the filmmakers would let fans down by under-emphasizing Caine’s face. I think all of the fans would agree that we expected that to be the highlight of the film.”

Director, Christopher Nolan, made a risky move by filming several sequences in the Imax format, perceived by many as a gimmick. Reportedly, fans assumed the Imax scenes would be reserved for close-ups of the Oscar-winner’s recognizable face.

Allegedly, fans are demanding that future efforts be made to enlarge Caine’s visage.

“I won’t rest,” demanded one unhappy fan. “Until I feel like I’m about to be inhaled by Michael Caine.”

Fans were seen outside the theater, seemingly protesting. Many carried signs proclaiming displeasure over the not-larger-than-life-enough portrayal of Caine.

One such sign read; “Goodnight you princes of Imax, you kings of my giant face.”

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Saturday, July 19, 2008

Unemployed Man Criticized For Unduly Enjoying Weekend

Ogdenville, MO – Kyle Manley, a 26-year-old local man, enjoys his weekends just like anybody else. The problem, say friends and neighbors, is that he is unemployed and doesn’t deserve the privilege of celebrating weekends.

“Okay, I get it, weekends are cool,” stated Joan Muir, a friend of Manley. “But it just burns me up to come home on Friday, after a long, hard week and have a voicemail from Kyle waiting for me. And he’s always really relaxed and happy. Weekends are for people who need to unwind, not for jerks who never get wound up.”

Many have considered banning Manley from weekends altogether.

“I don’t want to seem unfair,” noted Brad Horton, another friend of Manley. “But I think that piece of the pie should be reserved for people who have to work during the week. Kyle can go out and enjoy himself nine to five, Monday through Friday, leave the weekend for us.”

Despite the objections, Manley has remained unshaken.

“No, that’s fine,” said Manley. “They’re right; I got nothing to complain about. No more weekends for me. Seriously, whatever they want is cool with me. I mean, I don’t have to waste my time everyday, they’re out there killing themselves like a bunch of chumps.”

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Friday, July 18, 2008

Area Man Thinks He Can Take “That Big Dude At The Bar”

Brockway, IL – Martin Jones, an average sized 24-year-old file clerk, made a bold statement Friday evening. Allegedly, Jones went out drinking with a few friends, a weekly occurrence.

“I can take that dude,” stated Jones. “He might be able to take me out with one hit, but it won’t get that far.”

Mark Tunney, a long-time friend, tried to calm Jones.

“He always wants to fight when he gets drunk,” stated Tunney. “And he always picks the biggest guy in the bar. He’s gonna get himself killed.”

Despite being at the bar with several friends, Jones reportedly whispered to his glass of whiskey that it was his only friend before attempting to start the altercation. Sources say that Jones then addressed the “big dude” directly.

Jones was subdued by his companions before getting up from his seat. Reportedly, a fresh glass of whiskey was enough to distract Jones from fighting.

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Thursday, July 17, 2008

President Doesn’t Have Magic Wand

Washington, D.C. – President Bush shocked Americans on Wednesday by announcing that he does not, in fact, have a magic wand.

“If I had a magic wand,” President Bush said in the White House rose garden. “The president doesn’t have a magic wand…”

The press, the president’s cabinet, and the American people responded with a resounding, “What?!” According to reports, until this point, there had been an overwhelming belief that the president did have a magic wand.

“This revelation,” explained Duke Markington, a leading political analyst. “This, appalling revelation, has changed the way we Americans view the president. It is going to have a huge impact on how other countries view the United States of America.”

Allegedly, countries around the world are planning military action against the U.S. Analysts say that without the fear of the “executive magic wand” belligerent nations have little apprehension about confronting the U.S.

Riots have broken out in all of America’s major cities. Local authorities have come to the consensus that citizens’ view of reality has come into question.

Jesse Norton, a 32-year-old man arrested for looting, gave a frantic statement on the issue.

“ If the president doesn’t have a magic wand,” said Norton. “How do we know what’s right? Maybe god doesn’t exist. Up is down, short is tall, cats and dogs love each other! I’m scared, banana topiaries, mucus badger book jackets.”

Reports suggest that deluded ramblings are a common symptom of the disillusionment felt by so many Americans.

The U.N. has issued a public statement.

“We trusted the United States on so many political, military, and economic issues,” stated the report. “Now, we have nothing to solidify that trust. The nations of the world have been led to believe that the American president had a pre-eminent authority that he obviously does not. International policy is in desperate need of a dramatic overhaul.”

Only time will tell if the president’s lack of a magic wand will affect his position as leader of the U.S. Already, a slough of sorcerers have submitted their bid for the position of American political authority.

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Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Media Frenzies Around Favre For No Reason

Green Bay, WI – Trusted media outlets have been reporting on the situation between Brett Favre and the Green Bay Packers.

According to reports, nothing has actually happened. Favre has simply made some comments regarding his degrading relationship with the Packers.

"I've always been a Packer, always will be a Packer," said Favre, with no particular point. "Will I play somewhere else? Remains to be seen.”

Favre’s lack of resolute direction in his statement does not relate to his skills or shortcomings as a professional football player. It really has nothing to do with anything, but it’s worth reporting…for some reason.

Favre told reporters that he may or may not play during the ’08 season. He has stated that circumstances may change and have a possible impact on the future.

This is not the first instance of a professional athlete making a public statement about nothing in particular. Fans may remember some other time when some player said something that didn’t mean anything.

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Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Politicians From Somewhere Else Do Something

??? – As the American general election approaches and political tensions hit a fever pitch, one can’t help but wonder whether or not other countries have politicians. They must, right?

Politics can’t be exclusive to the United States, despite the fact that we have the most advanced system of government on Earth.

According to reports, nearly every country in the world has some type of politician abundant in its political system. Allegedly, countries as small and insignificant as Israel, North Korea, South Africa, and Mexico all have politicians.

Proponents of these politicians suggest that they engage in regular activities as well. As often as once per day, leaders of other governments do things.

At press time, there was no indication of whether or not these “other-place” politicians will do anything entertaining, but many maintain a watchful eye.

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Monday, July 14, 2008

Experts Find Correlation Between Loosened Ties and Stress

London, England – A recent study conducted at University College London has shown a strong connection between reportedly high stress levels and loosened neckties.

The study involved 5,000 necktie-wearing professionals over a course of two years. Results suggest that the percentage of time wearing a loosened tie is directly proportional to the reported stress level of the subject.

“It’s truly groundbreaking evidence,” noted Louis Betteman, an epidemiologist. “This could be the first step toward the very promising study of necktie related research.”

Of the five thousand subjects monitored, only a small percentage maintained full tie tightness throughout the entire workday. According to reports, the subjects who loosened their ties at least twice per week were 60% more likely to feel stressed out.

Researchers admit that other factors could have a significant impact on their findings. Ill-fitting neckties and collars, poorly ventilated offices, and dressed-down work environments could all have affected the study.

“What we’re trying to determine now,” explained Betteman. “Is whether or not the looseness of the tie causes the stress or if it is simply coincidental.”

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Sunday, July 13, 2008

Study Reveals: Monday Will Probably Suck

Lincoln, NE - A new study conducted by the University of Nebraska-Lincoln has shown some interesting results.

The findings, published in the University’s monthly scientific bulletin, were derived from data gathered from nearly three hundred test subjects; half of them college students, half of them were not.

According to the report, the days of the standard week have a cyclical wave of quality. Friday and Saturday almost always have high quality ratings; ranging from cool to I was so wasted.

Strangely, Monday received a very unflattering assessment.

“Monday will most likely suck,” stated Jonas Brayer, one of the researchers working on the study. “Not just like, “meh” suck. Truly, actually, suck a whole bunch. At least that’s what our findings suggest.”

No one involved in the study has come forward with any ideas concerning why Monday has such a foreboding reputation. Many believe that this is a sign of Monday’s inherent, unrelenting, godless evil; but no definitive answer has been given.

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Saturday, July 12, 2008

Rove To Committee: You’re A Subpoena!

Washington, D.C. – Karl Rove, President Bush’s former deputy chief of staff, refused to appear before a House judiciary committee Thursday.

The investigation concerns allegations that Rove took part in the dismissal and prosecution of officials motivated by political differences.

Rove’s attorney indicates “executive privilege” as basis for immunity from testifying. Rove stands firmly by his personal “I don’t wanna!” defense.

In May, Rove’s attorney made it very clear that the former White House official would not appear before the committee. The panel promptly issued a subpoena, to which Rove replied, “You’re a subpoena with your stupid face!”

Critics view this type of action as an implied declaration, by the former political advisor, that he considers himself above the law.

This is not Rove’s first display of defiance. Many have compared this to the 2006 incident in which Rove refused to eat his vegetables and the, now infamous, “Bath-gate” of last November.

“They’re not the boss of me,” stated the red-faced, belligerent Rove. “They’re a bunch of booger faces, and I hate them. I hate them so bad!”

“What my client means to say,” explained Rove’s attorney. “Is that he has executive immunity, and will not be compelled by the committee. I’ve asked my client to settle down and given him some warm milk. He’s just a little sleepy right now.”

The most recent reports have suggested that the former deputy chief of staff is pouting in the cabinets beneath the kitchen sink. He is allegedly unresponsive to the House judiciary committee’s attempts to coax him out with a cookie.

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Friday, July 11, 2008

Jackson Hopes Comments Will Distract Media From “That Hooker I Killed”

New York, NY – “Sometimes you say stupid things because you weren’t thinking,” said an apologetic Rev. Jesse Jackson. His apologies were in regard to comments he made about Presidential candidate Sen. Barack Obama when he thought his microphone was off.

Earlier this week, Jackson was asked to explain the motivation behind his comments.

“I spoke inappropriately. God, I hope this keeps them from finding that hooker I killed. I just believe that Senator Obama is getting more credit than he deserves. That b***h totally deserved it, threaten to go to the media, you see where blackmail gets you. He ran the last lap of a 54 year race.”

Many have suggested that Jackson’s comments were fueled by jealousy, as he has twice failed to attain the presidential nomination.

“I’m not a jealous man,” explained Jackson. “My concerns with Senator Obama are not personal. I’m gonna go pick up a hooker as soon as the interview is over. The truth is, I just wasn’t thinking. I’ll probably kill her too, b***hes. I don’t intend to let it happen again.”

Jackson was shortly thereafter made aware of the fact that his microphone had been continuously on during the interview.

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Thursday, July 10, 2008

Slip ‘n Slide Installed To Reduce Airport Congestion

Dallas/Ft. Worth, TX – Officials at the Dallas/Fort Worth airport have been the first to embrace a pilot program, which replaces moving walkways with the popular Wham-O product; Slip ‘n Slide.

“We think this is really going to speed things up for people,” claimed one airport official. “It’s going to get them to their terminal faster and make things a little less stressful.”

Many patrons argue that accelerated movement between points within the airport will not reduce the duration of lengthy security screenings or alleviate flight delays.

“Our customer’s concerns are understandable,” continued the official. “We’re all familiar with the pitfalls of the system. Sometimes you hit a dry spot and skid to a skin tearing halt, sometimes there’s a rock that goes undetected and ends up being a hazardous spire of doom; we know. We’ve used state of the art water flow technology; I think it’s called a garden hose. Our engineers made absolutely sure there were no obstructions lurking beneath the track which might endanger our patrons.”

So far, the program has been successful. The number of layovers in DFW has nearly doubled in less than a week, and a record number of flights are originating there. The only unexplained statistics are an increase, in the hundreds, of travelers missing their flights and a sharp spike in general pruniness.

It seems the initial assessments totaled to a resounding; “Whhheeeeeeee!!”

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Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Republicans Solve Oil Shortage

“Bury More Dinosaurs”

Washington, D.C. – With oil prices at record highs and rising every day, Americans have been in very real danger of having to reduce individual oil dependency. Thanks to the G.O.P., the looming threat of “peak oil” has been subdued.

“We realized that ‘fossil fuels’ come from dead dinosaurs and stuff,” explained one Republican scientist. “Once we figured that out, the answer was simple; bury more dinosaurs.”

The innovative plan suggests creating large underground deposits of dinosaur, much like landfills, which will eventually become fossil fuels.

“What we’ve done here is created a plan to make a so-called ‘non-renewable’ resource entirely renewable,” noted the G.O.P. scientist. “Let’s see those liberal tree-huggers find fault with this one.”

Critics have focused much of their attention on the fact that dinosaurs are notably less plentiful than they were sixty-five million years ago.

Noted proponent, Vice President Dick Cheney, responded publicly to criticism.

“You know, those Democrats will pick on any little flaw in a plan just to make themselves look better. We’re not stupid, we know dinosaurs aren’t just walking around the streets.” Cheney continued, “That’s why the we have allocated a twelve billion dollar budget to hire an elite dinosaur hunting task force to round up the last of them. The contract is in the very capable hands of Halliburton and Diebold.”

Other proposed solutions to the dinosaur (and oil by proxy) shortage have been suggested. The most promising of which is the forced removal of all exhumed dinosaur remains from museums with the intent of returning them to “the Earth from whence they came”.

The scientific community has expressed outrage over the very suggestion that already fossilized remains could somehow become a viable source of oil.

“I don’t know what those eggheads are crying about,” noted Vice President Cheney. “Their precious magic-dino-dragon-saurus isn’t even in the Bible. It’s all gobbledy-gook imaginary non-sense.”

Regardless of the debate involved, experts from all sides agree that this new plan of action means one big thing for American citizens; no need to reduce oil dependency, there’s plenty more where that came from.

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Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Area Man Has No Right To Own Guitar

Milwaukee, WI – “I’ve been playing for like, ten years,” explained Scott Johnson. “Well, on and off for ten years.”

Johnson spoke in response to allegations that he doesn’t really deserve to own a guitar.

“He plays maybe once a year,” stated Marie Smith, Johnson’s girlfriend. “If we go to a concert, or watch Spinal Tap, he plays for a couple of days. Don’t get me wrong, he’s not bad, but then he puts the guitar away and we don’t see it again for a very long time.”

According to reports, on the occasion that Johnson does play his Fender Stratocaster, he follows the same ritual. Johnson removes the guitar from its stand, brushes off dust by hand, comments to no one in particular about needing to change the strings, and tunes it.

“It wouldn’t be so bad if he’d play a few songs every once in a while,” continued Smith. “But he only knows the intro to like, five songs. That’s it, not even the whole song.”

Reportedly, Johnson is fond of talking about his guitar, which he modified to produce a unique sound, particular to his “playing style”.

“Every time Scott has a party, he gets drunk and wants to bust out the guitar,” noted Bill Markley, a long-time friend of Johnson. “It’s always this big production to get it out, and cleaned off, then tuned and hooked up. Everybody gathers around to listen and he just plays the intros to like, five songs. Hell, I’m taking guitar lessons right now, just so people won’t get so disappointed.”

Johnson explains that he might be outgrowing his “old ax” and is considering getting a new one.

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Monday, July 7, 2008

Man Celebrates National Independence with Traditional Removal of Hand

Frankfort, IL – Many American families celebrate Independence Day by staking claim to a spot with an unobstructed view and watching professional fireworks displays.

Tony Peterson, an area resident, calls that a lazy unpatriotic way to observe what he calls, our nations holiest holiday.

“Lots of young men gave their lives for our independence,” said Peterson. “The least we can do is sacrifice something for them.”

Allegedly, Peterson spent Friday creating an elaborate fireworks display for his friends and neighbors; an annual pastime. According to reports, Peterson’s lack of pyrotechnics training and elevated blood alcohol level created a dangerous situation.

“I don’t mind,” explained Peterson from his hospital bed. “My granddad blew off his hand; my dad blew off his hand, now I blew off mine. I only hope that my boy is patriotic enough to carry on the tradition.”

“He just bought bigger fireworks every year,” noted Peterson’s wife. “I always said he wouldn’t be happy until he hurt himself. Guess I was right.”

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Sunday, July 6, 2008

Death Star Destroyed

Coruscant – Thought to be impregnable, the Death Star has been destroyed. Many people are mourning the loss.

According to reports, a small weakness in the battle station’s design was exploited by rebels. Hundreds of thousands of people were killed in the tragic attack.

Darth Vader, the Death Star’s commander, was not on board at the time, but is presumed dead as well.

It is unclear whether or not the Empire will attempt to rebuild. Reports have suggested that the Empire is considering using the space as a memorial to the battle station.

The Death Star is survived by two children, and was three days away from retirement

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Saturday, July 5, 2008

Death Star Plans Located

Coruscant – “I’m so relieved,” stated Darth Vader, a key member of the Emperor’s cabinet. “I was going crazy looking for those plans.”

Vader issued a public apology for having assumed that the plans were stolen.

“A local man named Jim Thompson played an integral role in finding the plans,” explained Vader.

Reportedly, Thompson and Vader were discussing the lost plans at Vader’s apartment. The two watched reruns of 1980s television shows, a favorite pass-time for Thompson. Allegedly, an episode of NBC’s “The Cosby Show” helped illuminate the path to the plans.

“It was a great episode,” noted Thompson. “Vanessa had lost her homework and Dr. Huxtable played detective. Hilariously, He finds the homework in the freezer, the freezer!”

“Jim was like, ‘Hey, did you check the freezer?” said Vader. “And I was like, ‘No, why would it be in the freezer?’ But he was right there they were.”

Lord Vader immediately called his co-workers, reportedly saying, “Hey, it’s cool, sorry. My bad, they were in the freezer.”

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Friday, July 4, 2008

U.S. Celebrates 12th Annual Independence Day Vigilance

Will Smith Put On High Alert

Washington, D.C. – It’s been twelve intense years since the foreboding vision of things to come was shown to American audiences. The United States government does not take credible threats lightly.

“On July 4th 1996,” said Robert Gates, the U.S. Secretary of Defense. “We were made aware of a very significant threat to National Security. Since then, we have spent every Independence day watching the skies, waiting for space aliens to attack.”

Gates admits that the fireworks displays traditionally held on the fourth of July will make it difficult to see any incoming spacecraft. Despite the criticism from skeptics, the White House stands firm on the subject of extra-terrestrial invasion.

“We will not let them blow up the White House,” continued Gates. “Nor do we intend to let them blow up anything, we’ve got a few aces up our sleeve.”

The “Aces” referred to by the Secretary include an impressive collection of “experts”.

“We have alerted Will Smith, who not only beat the aliens in ninety-six, but had a respectable career with a secret government organization dealing exclusively with aliens,” boasted Gates. “We’ve also got Randy Quaid and Jeff Goldblum, who both helped out a lot in ninety-six. Oh yeah, just in case, we got the guy from taxi, and Data from Star Trek. It couldn’t hurt, right?”

Authorities warn citizens to avoid contact with any extra-terrestrials and resist the urge to welcome them to “Earf”.

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Thursday, July 3, 2008

Local Man Given Clairvoyance Enough to Locate Stolen Death Star Plans

Memphis, TN – “You know, I’ve always said, ‘Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match,'well, you know the saying,” explained Jim Thompson, a 32 year old local man. “But here I am, knowing where those plans are.”

In the past, powerful members of the government have been criticized for lack of clairvoyance. Now that the plans are located, government officials have stated that there will be no one to stop them this time.

According to reports, this “Death Star” is now the ultimate power in the galaxy. Many hope that the small moon sized battle station will help expedite war efforts in the Middle East.

Authorities are suggesting that it may, in fact, alleviate the need for regional governors.

After literally thousands of years of research, the method of obtaining this clairvoyance is still elusive to even the most privileged officials. When Thompson was questioned about how he did it, his answer was simple.

“Turns out, it was Jesus. Jesus was always the answer.”

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Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Pentagon Considers Other-Shaped Building

Washington, D.C. – U.S. Officials have determined unanimously that the five-sided polygon shaped Pentagon needs to be replaced. Sources say that the government is considering erecting an other-shaped replacement.

“We have considered a triangular pentagon,” said Mark Datel, a member of the Pentagon Design Committee. “Other shapes we looked at for the new pentagon were cube, parallelogram, and dome.”

The prevailing trend in design suggestions is toward polygons with a minimum of three sides and a truly infinite number maximum sides.

“Our biggest concern right now is that the whole Pentagon is decorated with five-sided polygonal tables and picture frames,” explained Datel. “Those things would all look really weird in a non-five-sided Pentagon.”

Included with this article is an artist’s conception of the most popular design.

“You see, the dome shape was inspired by other domes,” noted Jae Ehrenhaft, designer of the Pentagon-dome. “And it gets the approval of one, very happy, saluting General Douglas MacArthur. Yes, he died in the sixties, but he would have loved my Pentagon-dome.”

The proposed development of a replacement Pentagon would cost hundreds of millions of dollars of tax-payer money, provoking a negative response from many tax-payers.

“They are just going to have to settle for a normal shaped pentagon,” stated an outraged tax-payer. “Like square, my house is square, and it works out just fine.”

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Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Pristine National Park to Receive “Super-Fun” National Playground

Wyoming – America’s oldest National park, Yellowstone, is going to receive what the parks service calls a “super-fun” playground.

“We thought it was only fitting the grandest natural beauty in the continental U.S.” explained ranger Marcus Brooks. “We call it Geothermic Park and we think the kids are really going to love it.”

The playground will allegedly take full advantage of Yellowstone’s natural beauty. The goal for Park officials is to finally add something fun to “the most expensive snore-fest that the government pays for.”

The location of the playground offers children the opportunity to interact with the park’s friendliest residents; grizzly bears. Excited children will also be able to periodically take a once in a lifetime ride on the scalding waters of “Old Faithful”; Wyoming’s most magnificent geyser.

The first child to ride the superheated geothermic waters, Billy Prattle, was too engaged to comment at length, but he was quoted as saying, “Ahhhh, agrgahrg, Nooooooo!, Mommmmmy!! Ahahhaghag!”

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