Friday, October 31, 2008

Godzilla Announces Support For Obama

Endorsement Sends Tokyo Residents Into City-Wide Panic

Tokyo, Japan – Godzilla, King of the Monsters, has announced support for Democratic Presidential Candidate Barack Obama. The endorsement, which comes only days before the election, is being hailed by the Obama campaign as a welcome vote of confidence.

Godzilla has been a Republican as long as he has been registered to vote and argues that this isn’t a change of party, simply a change of ideals. A representative of the 120-story-tall-nuclear-powered-mutant dinosaur, told reporters that though both candidates promise change, Obama is the only one who proposes change Godzilla can agree with.

The announcement was made shortly after Godzilla dramatically rose from the sea and rampaged ominously into the center of Tokyo. Residents of Japan’s largest city began running, screaming through the streets. Currently, has no Japanese-speaking correspondent, but some concepts transcend language. Even Tokyo residents are swept up into the political fervor that is gripping the United States.

Many Republicans vehemently opposed the validity of the celebrity endorsement, alleging that Godzilla’s opinion is irrelevant, as he cannot vote in the U.S. being a citizen of Japan.

“Godzilla is not a citizen of Japan,” stated Guy Yoroshiku, Head of Public Relations for Godzilla. “His parents were dinosaurs, born on the land that is now North America, Godzilla was born on that same land.”

Does this make Godzilla an American citizen? The courts say no, but that’s not the whole
story, says Yoroshiku.

“My employer was in suspended animation for sixty-five million years, at the bottom of the ocean,” explains the passionate PR representative. “He was both awakened and transformed by a nuclear bomb launched from the U.S. Because of this, the U.S. Supreme Court Decided in the benchmark “Monster Island v. The United States” case of 1958, that Monster Island was an American territory, giving Godzilla the right to vote. Also, due to sheer mass, he controls nine electoral votes.”

As the colossal voter barreled through the Tokyo streets declaring his support for the Illinois Senator, citizens of Tokyo were moved by his political enthusiasm. Many decided to shriek and sprint ahead of him, presumably clearing the way for global change.

Others were not so permissive. The Japanese military hurried to attack the giant constituent; some are saying the act was an unspoken endorsement of Obama’s opponent, Arizona Senator John McCain.

When asked to comment on the endorsement, the McCain campaign offered a cryptic statement.

“We’ve already got several monsters backing the Republican Party."

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Thursday, October 30, 2008

Mr. Owl Discredited for Unscientific Practices

Berkeley, CA – Earlier this week, beloved mascot for Tootsie Roll Industries, Mr. Owl was relieved of his tenure at the University of California, Berkeley. The decision was made amid allegations of unscientific practices, and what administrators called, “psuedo-science”.

“He was often lazy, never thorough, and a slave to his own gluttony,” said Charles Whitmer, a member of the school’s administrative staff. “Never once in all his years teaching at this University did he make it all the way through an experiment without biting.”

According to reports, Mr. Owl was prone to attempting to use the scientific method for the exploration of whatever issue was at hand, but he always fell pray to an insane lust for biting.

“I think he was sick,” stated Jamie Muller, a former student of Mr. Owl. “I don’t mean, like, gross, or anything. Just sick. One time he was helping me pour some really thick chemical. We were measuring it out. I was like, ‘I need three milliliters’. So Mr. Owl goes, ‘One…a-Two-hoo…Three’, and he bites the graduated cylinder right in half!”

Staff members at the University were obviously pained as they emptied Mr. Owl’s office on Wednesday. One member of the custodial staff was particularly despondent.

“We even had to take his little graduation cap, I thought that belonged to him.”

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Wednesday, October 29, 2008

MB Has Brush With Greatness, Writing Presidential Acceptance Speeches

Washington, D.C. – Our Editor-in-Chief, Mr. Jackass is a man of many talents. He is an accomplished writer, having made his name preparing speeches for public officials. Of course, he can’t use his real name, or it would jeopardize the public opinion of his various enterprises. He writes speeches under the name Donald Drake.

In an effort to bridge the partisan gap, both presidential candidates chose to approach the same writer to prepare their respective acceptance speeches. They called Mr. Drake. After a meeting with each candidate, taking some notes, and getting an idea for what each of them wanted to say to the public, he began to craft a series of potential addresses for submission.

The following are a sampling of the speeches he prepared. The selection was made to ensure the most comprehensive cross-section of what Mr. Drake wrote.

Speech for McCain:

“My friends, I would like to thank you for electing me to lead this great nation. I’d like to congratulate that one on getting this far. I really didn’t think he would make it. But he surprised me, and took second place; also known as first loser. But I’m in charge now and once my seventy-three year old ticker goes out, Sarah will be in charge and God help, I mean bless, us all.

Speech for Obama:

“Look, um, thank you. I’m so proud to be given this opportunity to help move our great nation into the future. I’d like to thank my wife, Michelle, God, Senator Biden, and everyone else who has been so vital to this campaign. I’d like to congratulate Senator McCain for a battle well fought. Oh, and this time, he didn’t get captured.”

Speech for McCain:

“My fellow Americans, friends, Joe the Plumber, you’ve made a good choice. I’m a maverick. I don’t care what you want, you put me in charge, and I’m gonna do whatever I want. That’s what maverick means! I just go all willy-nilly and do whatever strikes my fancy.”

Speech for Obama:

“Thank you, thank you, it’s really an honor to be elected to this office. My opponent didn’t think it could be done. The GOP didn’t think it could be done. But we did it. There’s a black guy in da White House!”

Speech for McCain:

“You people are so freaking gullible! Ahhahahahahahahaha!” (Unveil giant terrible robot suit powered by nuclear power pants)

Speech for Obama:

(Just dance, pop and lock, or crump, or whatever it is called.)

There were dozens more written, but these were the most moderate and were strongly considered by both candidates. Inexplicably, the candidates purchased none of the speeches prepared by Mr. Drake. But he’s a trooper and will carry on.

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Tuesday, October 28, 2008

First Guy at Work Not Recognized for His Contribution

Detroit, MI – Earl McDonald has worked for the same company for nearly ten years. During his years of faithful service to Pratt and Associates, Inc. McDonald has been early for work almost every day.

Allegedly, the official start of the workday for Pratt employees is eight thirty in the morning, but McDonald arrives at work no later than seven thirty.

“I was just raised to be early for everything,” said McDonald. “Work is no exception.”

Some people are wondering, after so many years of earliness, why is McDonald not being recognized? Surely, his early arrival gives the company a head start on the workday.

“I think I should be recognized for being here an hour early everyday for almost ten years,” stated McDonald. “Maybe an award or something, yeah, I deserve it.”

McDonald presented, to management, a breakdown of what tasks make up his seven thirty to eight thirty hour.

Linda Tripp is McDonald’s immediate supervisor. She was willing to comment on her employee.

“He gave me a piece of paper that read; ‘surfing the web for porn, and pooping,” explained Tripp. “I don’t think he’ll be getting an award anytime soon.

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Monday, October 27, 2008

First Annual Jerk-Off Draws Confused Crowd

St. Louis, MO – What began as a promotion for local radio station, KMRT, became the scene of confusion and unrest yesterday.

“This is a fairly new radio station,” said Station Manager Eric Lewis. “We just wanted to get the word out. I never meant for any of this to happen.”

According to reports, the event was called “KMRT’s First Annual Jerk-Off”. It was a promotional contest in which contestants would compete by being “jerks” to each other. The prize was to be an opportunity to be on air with popular morning radio personality “Jim the Jerk”.

Hundreds of listeners showed up to participate in the contest, but they were greeted by a much bigger crowd than they expected. Thousands of people arrived with different expectations.

“I can’t imagine what they thought we meant,” stated Lewis. “I think ‘Annual Jerk-Off’ is pretty self-explanatory. But those other people were kind of weird and awfully upset when they realized that they were mistaken.”

Lewis says that he will re-think this particular promotion next year, but plans to continue with this year’s “Beat-off and Self-love” competitions.

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Saturday, October 25, 2008

Exclusive Interview with Satan Part 2

Chicago, IL – As promised, this is the continuation of our interview with the Devil.

MB: So you’re a sports fan?

Satan: Not really, I just like mixing things up. Well, I used to play this game that involved turning invisible and slapping toddlers, but I got cut from the team.

MB: I bet that was hard.

Satan: No, not at all, when you’re invisible you can just walk up and whack the s*** out of them.

MB: I meant the being cut thing…never mind. I’m sure your fans are dying to find out, no pun intended. Who is Satan?

Satan: Santa? I think you typed Santa.

MB: I’m not typing at all.

Satan: When you do type this, just be sure to check for typos, because you’re going to type Santa, then you’ll have to go back and fix it.

MB: Thanks, I’ll be careful.

Satan: So you want a personal answer? From the heart?

MB: Be as candid as you want.

Satan: Wow, no one has ever asked that before. I would say the best way to describe me is, “angry loner” or maybe I’d just say that I’m a regular guy who has been hurt. Sometimes I just sit in my favorite chair, drink red wine and cry about all of the mistakes I’ve made.

MB: Really?

Satan: No, you f***ing tool! Dude, my life is awesome. I’m near omnipotent, I’m immortal, I can change shape, fly, travel through time, and I’ve got a Camero, one of the cool ones from the sixties. One time, just for fun, I ate ice cream forty-seven thousand times in one day.

MB: That does sound pretty cool. I don’t really understand what you meant about the ice cream, but still, it’s cool.

Satan: Forty

MB: So—

Satan: Seven

MB: (long pause) So you’re—

Satan: Thousand times.

MB: Got it. So you’re happy with who you are.

Santa: In one day. See I told you.

MB: Told me what?

Satan: You typed Santa. All of your readers are going, “Whoa, what happened? Wait a second, did Santa just show up? This interview is f***ed up!” That’s what they’re saying.

MB: I’ll fix that. May I proceed with the interview?

Satan: Sure, who’s stopping you? Fancy pants.

MB: You are.

Satan: Are you calling me fancy pants?

MB: May I please move on?

Satan: Go ahead.

MB: It’s election season in the U.S. Have you taken a stance on either of the presidential candidates?

Satan: Whoa-ho-ho! That’s it, that’s the million dollar question isn’t it? I try not to get involved in politics, but McCain, oh man. If you painted him red, and put some horns on him, he’d look just like one of my minions, Bill. Bill’s all short and wrinkly (incoherent talking through laughter). We tease him about it all of the time. No, but seriously, Bill’s a good guy.

MB: Now, I’m just going to run down a list of some personal stuff. We actually got this list from write-ins to the website. You know, stuff the fans want to know.

Satan: Shoot.

MB: Favorite book?

Satan: Tie. Either “Atlas Shrugged” or “Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep”?

MB: Favorite Album?

Satan: Suicidal Tendencies “Still Cyco After All These Years”

MB: Favorite Website?

Satan:! No I’m kidding I don’t read your page ever. You guys suck bad. There’s this page,, where some jerk makes me look like an idiot.

MB: Yeah, we know a guy like that. Favorite cereal?

Satan: KIX.

MB: Alright, thanks for your time. I know you’ve got to get going. In the future, I hope we can get you to come back for more of this kind of thing.

Satan: Man, it’ll really cost you guys. This was one of the worst afternoons I’ve ever had.

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Friday, October 24, 2008

Exclusive Interview with Satan (part 1)

Chicago, IL – Though it is a digression from our usual format, we had a rare opportunity to chat with the Prince of Darkness himself. He agreed to an exclusive interview in exchange for…um, some stuff.

MB: First of all, thank you for being here, I know you must have a busy schedule. We don’t usually have such big celebrities; it’s an honor.

Satan: Oh, no problem. I’m a big fan, and I get those two interns’ souls right?

MB: Yeah, sure, just keep that quiet. My first questions are really about your portrayal by the media and cultural associations that you may not have fully endorsed. Heavy Metal, was that yours, or was the connection erroneous?

Satan: At first it was mine, when everybody hated it. Then it got really big in the eighties and I couldn’t even stand it. It hasn’t really recovered.

MB: Marilyn Manson?

Satan: Who?

MB: George W. Bush?

Satan: Oh, I wish! That guy is so much more absurdly f***ed up than I could possibly have made him. Maybe he made a deal with one of those cool old Sumerian gods or something. You know, like gods with a squid for a face. You wanna see pissed off and wrathful, try waking up with a squid for a face. No, but seriously, I said I wasn’t going to do shtick today. Dubya wasn’t mine.

MB: Harry Potter?

Satan: Whoa, okay, that’s just ridiculous. That series is a shallow attempt at creating a significant literary work by haphazardly amalgamating centuries of British and continental European pseudo-folklore. Definitely not mine.

MB: Witchcraft?

Satan: I was hoping you’d bring that up, those hippy f***s irritate the s*** out of me. For the record, write this down…

MB: We’re recording this.

Satan: Good. For the record, I hate everyone who thinks I would like them. If you’re worshipping me and calling it witchcraft, you’re doing it wrong. If you’re practicing witchcraft the right way, you’re just plain obnoxious.

MB: Okay, being that this is October, there’s a certain holiday this month that some people refer to as “the Devil’s Holiday”. What are your thoughts?

Satan: I wait all year for that day. When the veil is lifted, my minions can walk the Earth and I am at my most powerful. Humans who participate in the festivities are calling out for my triumphant return. It’s absolutely true; Columbus Day is my holiday.

MB: Is there anything that you do that you don’t get credit for?

Satan: (Grins) Baseball. I rig the World Series just about every year. The big guy upstairs favors the Yankees, but I like to mix it up.

MB: “The big guy upstairs”?

Satan: Yeah, Larry. He’s the four hundred pound data entry guy who works on the fifth floor.

MB: Oh, Mr. Grant. He does love the Yankees.

We will be continuing the interview tomorrow, please come back for “Exclusive interview with Satan part 2”.

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Thursday, October 23, 2008

Real-life Scooby Doo Found Dead

Gettysburg, PA – Scooby was a nine year old Great Dane who helped Marcus DeWitt and Louis Alexander with their paranormal investigations. Alexander and DeWitt run a small “ghost busting and mystery solving” company called, Ghost of a Chance.

“Scooby was a great dog,” explained DeWitt, who served as the dog’s primary trainer. “He was all about sniffing out ghosts.”

The dog was found dismembered in the allegedly haunted home of Mr. Jenkins. According to reports, the team was hired to rid the house of a violent poltergeist.

“We would always send Scoob in first,” said DeWitt. “He’d sniff them out, bark a whole lot, and we knew exactly where to find the ghosts…or any, like, sausages or anything people left lying around. That dog loved to eat.”

“I never told Marcus,” noted Alexander. “But this was our sixth Scooby. I had to replace them so he wouldn’t find out; they just kept dying. That’s what happens when you get a big dog stoned and send him into a house full of evil spirits.”

As a result of the tragedy, the paranormal investigators failed to complete the task of ridding the home of its ghost. Allegedly, they did find this mask…and a piece of Mr. Jenkins’ coveralls…and a basement full of gold?

This mystery is solved. It was…Mr. Jenkins. Reportedly, he would’ve gotten away with it too, had it not been for that hungry, toasted dog.

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Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Holy Crap! Pies Are On Sale!

DeKalb, ILIt is not the intention of this publication to alarm anybody, but there has been a monumental discovery at a local grocery store. According to reports, the retailer is having a buy one get one free sale on pies. 

 These types of sales are called by different names by underground, sale seeking clubs, sources suggest. Street names for this kind of sale include “BoGo” and “two for one”.

 The local sale applies to all fruit pies; cream-style pies are excluded.

 Manager of the store, Marjorie Hanson, has been admittedly optimistic about the groundbreaking sale.

 “I like pies,” said Marjorie.

 Little information was given by the local authorities in regards to the probability of similar sales in the future. The assumption is that the local police department will release any pie sale information as soon as it becomes available.

 Ms. Hanson explained that apple and cherry have been the most popular varieties during this sale, but she doesn’t rule out a late in the game surge in popularity for strawberry rhubarb.

 “Apple and cherry have been the most popular varieties during this sale,” explained Hanson. “But I don’t rule out a late in the game surge in popularity for strawberry rhubarb.”

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Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Frustrated Fed: Why Don’t You Just Stimulate Yourself?

Washington, D.C. – The Federal Reserve Board is tired of issuing one stimulus after another and getting no response. The Federal government issued a massive stimulus package earlier this year, but the economy showed little interest.

 After the Wall Street bailout that happened last month had little effect on the overall stimulation of the nation’s finances, the Fed has seemed more irritable than usual.

 “You know, I used to feel personally responsible for this type of thing,” said Reserve Board Chairman Ben Bernanke. “But I’m starting to think that it isn’t me. I think the economy doesn’t want to be stimulated, not by us anyway.”

 Many have argued that getting angry at the economy is hardly the solution to this problem, but Bernanke says it’s difficult not to be a little frustrated.

 “It’s actually kind of embarrassing,” said Bernanke. “If I can’t stimulate my economy who will? And I’m not even sure I want anyone else taking care of the economy. I promised we’d work through this, but I can’t take it much longer.”

 Several other officials have expressed the emotional distress caused by the current financial climate.

 One prominent lawmaker issued this bitter suggestion to the economy,

 “I give up, Why don’t you just stimulate yourself?” 

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Monday, October 20, 2008

Bears Win By Scoring Points, Fans Baffled

Chicago, IL – The Chicago Bears won with a seven-point lead over the Vikings on Sunday. Players, coaches and fans alike were all a bit confused about the outcome.

 “Yeah, they scored points,” said one Chicago fan. “But where was the defense? How do you win a game without powerful defense?”

 This seems to be the prevailing sentiment among Bears fans and players.

 ‘This is a team that has always relied on defense,” said Bears Quarterback, Kyle Orton. “I know it’s kind of my job to score points, but I didn’t really think it could be done. Hell, most of the guys on the team didn’t even know you could score points in football.”

 After some extensive research, we have discovered that, in fact, the Chicago Bears can score points during a game.

 During that same research, our staff has discovered the following, intriguing facts about Chicago sports teams;


-         The Blackhawks are eligible to compete for the Stanley Cup

-         The White Sox are capable of playing an entire season well

-         The Bulls still exist

-         The Cubs are not a figment of our imagination

Lance Cooper writes the Sports section of He is currently in the bathtub eating a taco. Lance is the author of the bestselling book "Whooo!!! Sports" which can be found in local book stores.

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Saturday, October 18, 2008

Pfizer Announces Miracle Drug, Placebonex™

New York, NY Yesterday pharmaceuticals giant Pfizer announced the beginning of full scale production of a new medication that many are calling a “miracle drug”.

The product in question is called Placebonex™ . According to the Food and Drug Administration it has been proven effective against everything from the common cold to terminal cancer.
“We have been researching the commercial viability of Placebo-type medications for decades,” read a written statement from the New York based corporation. “In clinical trials, Placebonex™ has proven to effectively treat diseases, disorders, infections, inflammations, and boo-boos approximately forty percent of the time. Though other drugs have tested more effectively in specific conditions, none have shown such promising versatility.”

The FDA report on Placebonex™ states that the chemical make-up of the pill has been thoroughly tested and only poses a threat if the person taking it is told that it is poison.
“Placebonex™ is very inexpensive and easy to manufacture, consisting primarily of sugar,” explained a Pfizer representative. “The per-unit production cost minimal compared to the cost of other drugs. Production requires literally fractions of a Yuan (the currency of China, where the medication is made). Because of this amazingly low overhead cost, we are able to sell Placebonex™ to the public at the bargain price of only forty American dollars per pill.”

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Friday, October 17, 2008

Report Suggests That We “Just Stop The ‘Conomy”

Lawton, OK – According to an informal study done at Martin VanBuren Elementary school, the ‘conomy must be stopped. The study, conducted by Billy Dwyer, a second grader, collected data from “everybody”. Dwyer’s assistant clarified the ambiguous “everyone” by defining it as the 39 second-graders who were in attendance that day.

 “I just heard so much ‘bout the ‘conomy,” stated a frustrated Dwyer. “My mom and dad said it was bad and we might have to move because of it. My dad said it’s because of those pascerds on Mall Street and the depuglicams.”

 Dwyer reportedly decided to do the study as a project for the school’s annual Democracy fair.

 “My teacher, Mrs. Stevens said we had to do a project about the election,” Dwyer explained. “I asked everybody what we should do about the ‘conomy. Everybody said it was dumb.”

 According to the report, more than sixty percent of the children asked said that they disagreed with the ‘conomy. Assessments of the current financial situation were bleak and few understood why the federal government continued using a broken system.

 Experts have said the findings are evidence of a general realization that we are in a recession. One member of Mrs. Stevens’ second grade class shared her cynical fears for the coming holiday season.

 “What if Santa has a bad ‘conomy?” asked eight-year-old Sally Gibb. “Then we won’t get presents, I gotta get a new bike.”

 Ms. Gibb echoed the concerns of many Americans. After all, isn't that what we're all asking, “Where’s my new bike?”

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Thursday, October 16, 2008

Presidential Debate Alienates, Confuses Bob The Builder

Hempstead, NY – Last night’s Presidential debate was the scene of more intense discussion than the previous two. Voters heard the candidates show more direct aggression toward each other, as well as, communicate more directly to the voters.

 The centerpiece of the debate seemed to be a particular voter named Joe the Plumber. Both candidates appeared to be addressing him directly, which many fear alienated the average voter.

 Though currently residing in the UK, popular children’s icon, Bob the Builder, is a registered voter in the United States.

 “Both of them were talking to this Joe the Plumber,” said Mr. Builder. “What about Bill the Electrician? What about Bob the Builder? We need considerations; tax cuts for other working class people. I, like this Joe, am defined by what I do for a living. It’s who I am”

 Many other viewers found the candidates’ statements cryptic and alienating.

 “There are all of these problems with the economy and I just wanted to hear one thing from them,” stated Builder. “Can we fix it? They didn’t answer.”

 The largest point of confusion for many members of the audience was Senator McCain’s recommendation for the construction of several “nuclear power pants”.

 “I don’t even know what nuclear power pants are,” explained Builder. “I don’t think anybody does.”

 Joe the Plumber may be an influential figure in his hometown, but it’s not unwarranted to have concerns for Bob the Builder.

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Wednesday, October 15, 2008

10 T.V. Shows That Didn’t Make it To Air This Season

Title: Jim Nabors’ Smelly House
Plot: Twenty-five attractive yet socially diverse people have to battle it out inside a smelly house. The show is hosted by its creator, Jim Nabors.
Tagline: “Shazam, that’s a smelly house!”
Why it didn’t make it: Scheduling conflicts between Mr. Nabors and the network.

Title: Theme Song
Plot: The show consists entirely of the show’s theme music. It runs for twenty-two minutes with three commercial breaks.
Why it didn’t make it: Didn’t test well with the hearing impaired.

Title: Remember Happy Days?
Plot: Classic episodes of the iconic sitcom are performed live by the original actors.
Tagline: “If you thought it was popular when it was culturally relevant…”
Why it didn’t make it: The one-two ginger punch of Ron Howard and Donnie Most was too much for the public to tolerate a second time.

Title: Super Happy Fun Show
Plot: A prime-time drama imported directly from Japan. The show follows a family who is somehow shamed and their entertaining quest filled with sexual tension and misunderstandings.
Why it didn’t make it: American audiences felt the plot was too difficult to understand, also the language.

Title: Typical Cop Drama
Plot: He was a cop who lost everything. Now, the only thing that stands between him and revenge is his partner.
Tagline: “He was a cop.”
Why it didn’t make it: It was already airing on several other networks.

Title: NBC’s Neurosis
Plot: NBC alums Jerry Seinfeld, Courtney Cox, Bebe Neuwirth, and Tina Fey sit around a table together and obsess over their individual neurosis.
Tagline: “You know what kills me?”
Why it didn’t make it: Despite talented stars Tina Fey and Bebe Neuwirth, the show was determined to be too similar to Seinfeld.

Title: Hogan’s Heroes Redux
Plot: Oliver Stone makes his television debut with a re-imagined Hogan’s Heroes. His plan is to show the viewing public what it was really like.
Why it didn’t make it: Nobody wants to see what it was really like.

Title: While You Were Sleeping
Plot: Viewers write in for a chance to surprise their friends by doing something while they are asleep. The pilot episode included washing the car, cooking a meal, and a few pranks.
Why it didn’t make it: Too many of the activities taking place legally qualified as sodomy or criminal sexual assault.

Title: The Scary Report
Plot: Around the clock coverage of world events delivered in the most nerve-racking way possible. Designed to cripple the audience with paranoid fear.
Tagline: “You don’t fear half as much as you should.”
Why it didn’t make it: Fox News Channel sued for copyright infringement.

Title: Leprosy Island
Plot: One dozen of the toughest contestants are dropped on an island and infected with leprosy. The survivor wins one million dollars.
Tagline: “Watch our contestants fall to pieces.”
Why it didn’t make it: The winner has to stay on the island.

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Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Shamu To Receive Treatment for Eating Disorder

San Diego, CA – One of Sea world’s famous orcas (many share the Shamu stage name) was admitted yesterday to a clinic for compulsive overeating. The orca’s trainer, Kimberly Pearson has agreed to accompany the killer whale.

“Her real name is Molly,” said Pearson. “And Molly has a problem. She just can’t stop eating or gaining weight. Through her primitive whale means, she can communicate with me. I understand her pain when she tells me things like ‘I’m hungry’ and ‘I want more [food].”

Reportedly, Pearson and Molly have made several attempts to control the problem themselves, to no avail.

“She’s tried the all-fish diet,” stated Pearson. “But that didn’t work. We tried the Phelps plan; where you swim all day. It’s supposed to be a good work out, but she’s just not losing weight.”

Pearson expressed a heart wrenching concern for her companion. Molly the orca weighs a shocking 9500 lbs.

“The other day I asked her how she felt about her weight,” recalled Pearson. “She just said, ‘I’m a whale’. I tried to tell her that it wasn’t true; she’s not as big as she thinks. She wouldn’t listen. I tried to tell her how beautiful she is, we just need to keep working on it.”

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Monday, October 13, 2008

Modern Day Columbus Arrested for Trespassing

St. Louis, MO – In tribute to his favorite historical figure, Brian Richards a Milwaukee resident, set out to discover something on the eve of this year’s Columbus Day.

Early Sunday afternoon, Richards “discovered” the home of Mark and Denise Rutledge outside of St. Louis.

“I don’t know how he got in,” said Mark Rutledge. “But he was just standing there in our kitchen. When I tried to ask him what he was doing here, he called my a dumb savage and told me he was claiming this land.”

According to reports, Richards insisted that the home was uninhabited and seemed a little confused about the geographic location of his “discovery”.

“After he told me I was going to be traded as a slave, he kept saying that we were in California,” stated Rutledge. “I tried to tell him that this is Missouri, but he just called me dumb and demanded my spices. My wife called the police.”

Richards was arrested, but will likely be cleared of all charges and regarded as a hero.

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Friday, October 10, 2008

Children’s Author Penned Farewell Book

“F*** All You Little Bastards” Hits Best-Seller List

Dover, DE – Ray Laporte wrote children’s books, it was his life’s ambition. Over the last three years he had written twelve of them, which were all rejected by publishers. Laporte lived with his parents and worked at a local electronics store.

Laporte died last week of what experts are saying was an overdose of whiskey and over-the-counter cough medicine. Found in Laporte’s hands was a manuscript of his final book. The book was entitled “F*** All You Little Bastards” and has been called Laporte’s most insightful work.

“F*** all of you f***ers, f*** your stupid face, You stupid little bastards, I’ll kill you with my mace.”

This was the opening line from Laporte’s final book. Many are saying it is a window deep into his soul and a work that everyone should experience.

Laporte’s father, John, has had trouble coping with the loss of his son.

“He wasn’t the best writer, we all knew that,” said John Laporte. “But he had a kind and loving heart and he just wanted to make the children happy. I’d like to read an excerpt from his final work:
‘You fickle, facist, f***ing f***-faces, I hate you all so much. My God! Why won’t you publish my books? You’re children are morons, you’re all f***ing crooks. I think you stole my ideas, and poisoned my scotch. If you were here now, I make…um…I can’t rhyme with scotch!”

The book has been published posthumously with all profits going to fund the construction of the “F***ing Laporte Children’s Library” in Dover. Literary critics are calling this one of the most influential children’s books since “Go, Dog, Go”.

Only time will tell if “F*** All You Little Bastards” will become a nursery classic, but if early sales are any indicator, the prospect looks good.

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Thursday, October 9, 2008

S.F. Rock and Roll Infrastructure Crumbling

Mayor Asks for Federal Aid

San Francisco, CA – A lot of vision went into the growth of one of America’s largest cities, San Francisco. Mayor Gavin Newsom says that hard work, vision, and hope weren’t the only components.

“We built this city on rock and roll,” confidently stated Newsom. “And I don’t mean figuratively, there is a legitimate framework of rock and roll in this city.”

Newsom explained that the original city planners were a bit shortsighted in using so much of the volatile material.

“This great city, which I love, is crumbling from the bottom up,” Newsom told reporters with a somber tone. “Unfortunately, when we built this city on rock and roll, we didn’t take into account the very dynamic nature of the medium. Just like in the 1980s, rock and roll is going through some serious changes, which could spell disaster for San Francisco.”

Newsom called to city, state, and federal authorities for sympathy and assistance.

“If they can bailout Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac,” noted Newsom. “They can certainly help out here in Frisco. Our largest concern is research; we have no detailed information as to how to maintain rock and roll. A detailed account of the fact that we built this city on rock and roll was recorded by the band ‘Starship’, but no advice was given on the subject of maintenance.”

The Mayor’s Office has since suggested that perhaps that song was about Los Angeles.

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Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Monkey-Breath Staff Beaten Severely

Dear Readers,

This is to inform you that the, usually reliable, staff of comedy writers here at did not provide an article for you to read today. These award-winning writers, some of which are Ivy Leaguers, lacked the wherewithal to write anything funny. They felt that covering the “hot-button” topics such as, last night’s debate, the credit crisis, and the Loch Ness monster releasing her third album, as trite.

I’m writing in hopes that this dereliction of duty won’t stop you from coming back to read Monkey-Breath, or recommending it to your many attractive friends. As a show of good faith, I have beaten my staff into a near comatose state. I give you my word that these elitist, Oxford comma using, Mac-jockeys won’t let you down again. Please don’t stop reading Please continue to tell your friends about us, tattoo our web address on your face, name your children, submit us to Digg, put us on your facebook/myspace page, all of those normal things you would do with a wonderful upstart news satire page of as high a quality as

I assure you that my staff will cease this irresponsible behavior and continue to churn out quality satire. There will be a hilarious article, which will be appropriate for discussing around the water cooler at work tomorrow morning. Again, I’ve beaten them into comas with my bare hands, nothing is more important to me than the quality control of this website. Wait, if they’re all comatose…who is going to write the…


Henry Q. Jackass

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Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Social Calendar Replaced by T.V. Listings

Des Moines, IA – Autumn is a significant time of year for many; the beginning of a new school year, the football season, winterization of your car. Nancy Sanders is no exception.

“It’s almost like I’m going away to school,” said Sanders. “I don’t see or talk to anybody from September until April or May.”

Like many Americans, Sanders becomes dedicated to watching all of her favorite shows. Sanders explained that she tries to avoid getting involved in watching too many television programs, but finds resistance futile.

“It’s hard,” she noted. “I pretty much watch Fox for drama and NBC for comedy. If I tried to add anymore, it would be too much. The shows would overlap. As is, I have ‘Terminator’ on Monday, Tuesday is ‘Fringe’, ‘Bones’ is on Wednesday, Thursday is a conflict between NBC’s ‘Must See’ line-up and ‘Supernatural’, it’s really a chore.”

Sanders stated that despite her hectic television-viewing schedule, Friday evenings are surprisingly empty.

“Friday nights feel a like hollow, soul-less abyss,” explained Sanders. “Friday is usually movie night, but it’s just not the same. Sometimes I wish I could just sleep through the whole day and get on to the quality weekend programming.”

Suggestions have been made that Sanders subscribe to cable or satellite so she could catch re-runs of her favorite shows, but the idea seems unacceptable to her.

Carthag the Pernicious is a ten thousand year old being of unspeakable horror. He writes the Arts and Culture section of and has a movie review page on

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Monday, October 6, 2008

Dodger Stadium Razed in Search of Cursed Artifact

Los Angeles, CA – As the Chicago Cubs final game of 2008 ended on Saturday, members of the team were visibly distraught. It seemed to many fans that the Cubs were finally due for a dream season, and maybe a long awaited trip to the World Series.

Hopes for the baseball championship were dashed this weekend in a 3-1 loss against the Los Angeles Dodgers.

Immediately after the game ended, Cubs manager Lou Piniella could be heard shouting, “tear it up!” Happy Dodgers fans filed out of the stadium, many noticing what seemed to be a wrecking crew entering.

Reportedly, Piniella had hired a team of laborers to destroy Dodger Stadium, in the event that the Cubs lost.

“I’m not gonna be like those other ‘do nothing’ managers,” said Piniella. “If there is something cursing this team, I’m gonna find it.”

Reports suggest that nothing was found.

Lance Cooper writes the Sports section of He is currently in the bathtub eating a taco. Lance is the author of the bestselling book "Whooo!!! Sports" which can be found in local book stores.

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Saturday, October 4, 2008

O.J. Simpson Found Guilty of Pushing Luck

Las Vegas, NV – A guilty verdict was read yesterday for former NFL star O.J. Simpson. He was charged with pushing his luck, not quitting while he was ahead, and looking a gift horse in the mouth, among other things.

Simpson was acquitted in 1997 for the alleged murder of his ex-wife and her friend. The acquittal was the result of a lengthy and highly publicized trial .Many members of the media, as well as the viewing public, were of the opinion that Simpson was guilty.

Despite being cleared of the criminal charges, Simpson felt compelled to “see how far he could push this.”

In 2007 Simpson was arrested for armed robbery, kidnapping, and assault with a deadly weapon.

During the subsequent trial, Simpson was asked, by the prosecution, why he would continue to push his luck.

“You think he’d want to stay as far away from a courtroom as possible,” said a member of the prosecution. “I mean, he was lucky to get off last time, why push it?”

Members of the jury which convicted Simpson agree that he just tried to push it too far.

“I don’t care if he really did anything wrong,” noted one of the jurors. “None of us did. We just think he should be convicted on principle. If it were me, I’d stay as far away from any illegal activities as possible.”

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Friday, October 3, 2008


Sarah Palin Was Hitting On Me Last Night

By Colleen Morgan

As many other American voters did last night, I chose to take a break from my evening hedonism in favor of watching the Vice Presidential debate. I was impressed with both candidates. Senator Biden and Governor Palin stayed on steady ground and said nothing to jeopardize their respective tickets.

But, did anyone else notice Sarah Palin acting a bit strange? I sincerely believe that she was coming on to me. My husband disagrees, saying that I’m being narcissistic. I think he’s wrong. She kept winking at me and staring directly into my eyes, as if peering into my soul.

Now, I don’t intend to derail her campaign with allegations of secret lesbianism, but if the offer still stands, I am a bit curious.

Sarah Palin Was Not Hitting On You

By Steve Morgan

Okay, let’s get something straight here, Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin, Vice Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin, doesn’t even know you exist. She wasn’t winking at you; she was winking to the general public. And as far as, “peering into your soul”, she was looking directly into the camera lens. It’s a creepy weird thing to do, unless you’re a politician. Next time someone takes a picture of you, look into the lens of the camera, and then check out how disconcerting it is when you see the picture.

I assure you, her attempts at charm were not aimed solely at you. She was no more coming on to you than she was any other person watching the debate.

Wait, “curious”? Really?

Governor Palin, if the offer still stands, I strongly encourage it.

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Thursday, October 2, 2008

McCain Demands Immediate Action on Sarah Palin Bailout

Washington, D.C.- After making such a dramatic display in regards to the financial bailout bill and the subsequent, yet unrelated, passing of it through Senate, Senator John McCain is confident that he can affect change.

Since the bailout plan passed last night, in the Senate, the presidential hopeful has taken up a new cause, bailing out running mate Sarah Palin.

“My friends,” said Senator McCain in a press release. “Governor Palin is in desperate need of assistance. We cannot just sit by and do nothing; Congress needs to take action as quickly and decisively as possible. Governor Palin is in trouble, and if we allow her to fail, it will affect Main Street, Wall Street, and John McCain Street for a very long time.”

The trouble to which Senator McCain refers, presumably, is the impending Vice Presidential debate that is scheduled for this evening. Reports suggest that McCain is concerned that a debate against the Democratic V.P. candidate could remove what little credibility Palin has left.

“This is not the first time I’ve suggested something like this,” explained Senator McCain. “I’m known as a bit of a maverick in the Senate. I called for action to be taken when I wanted to save my own ass, last week. It was the partisan, hurtful politics of Senator Obama and the Democratic Party that prevented me from taking action on that front. I’m a war veteran, and a maverick. We need to take immediate action to help Governor Palin out of this difficult position, and I’m a maverick.”

Early evidence suggests that Congress will not pass any bailout for Gov. Palin. Many members of Congress are still largely uneasy with the “Automatically president if you sign this” clause that Senator McCain has worked into it.

“Oh, that’s just standard legal mumbo-jumbo,” noted McCain.

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Wednesday, October 1, 2008

White Sox Make Post Season To Spite Cubs

Chicago, IL – An intense race for the division title ended last night with a 1-0 White Sox victory over the Minnesota Twins. The air at U.S. Cellular Field was electric with the excitement of fans and players, as the White Sox were certainly not expected to go this far.

A post-game interview with team management showed, shockingly, that the Sox had an ulterior motive for taking the title from their division rivals.

“You know, we were planning on taking it easy this year,” said White Sox manager, Ozzie Guillen. “We were still felling pretty good about ’05 and we were just going to ride that for a season or two more. But then the Cubs went ahead and made it to the post season and we were like, ‘oh, no they didn’t.”

Reportedly, the White Sox were inspired to push forward in order to avoid being upstaged by their cross-town rivals.

“They played a really good season,” said Jim Thome, the Sox designated hitter and the player responsible for last night’s game winning homerun. “I’ve got to give credit to the Cubs.”

Thome’s comment was cut short by A.J. Pierzynski, the White Sox catcher, who took the microphone away from him.

“He doesn’t know what he’s saying,” stated Pierzynski. “He’s delirious with happiness. What he means to say is that we only won this game so we could stop the Cubs from winning the World Series. We’re coming for you Cubbies!”

When asked to comment on the suggestion that his team simply made the playoffs out of spite, general manager Kenny Williams said, simply, “They should just know their place.”

Lance Cooper writes the Sports section of He is currently on location in the bath tub, eating a taco. Lance is the author of the bestselling book "Whooo!!! Sports" which can be found in local book stores.

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