Monday, March 31, 2008

Feminists Lobby For Confusing Rest Room Placards

Lawton, OK- “Women wear pants too,” stated Jeanie Brooks, an area feminist. “It’s degrading and sexist to portray women wearing only dresses.”

This is the central concept fueling the debate on whether or not to change rest room placards city-wide. A local feminist group is responsible for the initiative. The group says that once the signs within Lawton are changed they intend to bring their fight to the state courts and eventually make the effort national.

The proposed change would modify the signs indicating the women’s rest room from the current “woman in a dress” pictograph to a new “woman in pants” icon.

Opponents of the change argue that a change to the standard symbols would cause confusion. Dan Regent, a city council member in Lawton, commented on the proposal.

“We’ve been using the current system for a very long time,” said Regent. “People expect to see a certain image, and changing that image would be an unnecessary disruption to the public.”

Feminist groups in the area have been actively proposing these types of changes in recent years. Last year, there was an attempt to replace the word “unisex” with “multisex”. The group noted that the term unisex does not sufficiently illustrate the division between the sexes.

“It’s not good enough to combine us into one equivalent gender,” argued Brooks. “We are different, and the Lawton feminists will not rest until we are treated as such.”

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Sunday, March 30, 2008

Local Solitaire Club Full Of Lonely, Lonely People

Joshua Tree, CA- George Newman feels defeated and crushed, but he doesn’t have anyone with whom to discuss it. He is the founder and president of Tableau Taboo, a social club for Solitaire players.

George recently explained his plight. “Solitaire is an exciting, but lonely game. So I decided to start a club. The problem is that when we meet, we just sit alone playing cards; nobody ever talks.”

Newman went on to explain that every holiday season the club’s numbers diminish as a result of the rampant suicide associated with such terribly lonely people.

“Sometimes people come to meetings and I don’t even know who they are,” claimed Newman. “Communication is so difficult that once, a meeting had been over for three hours before I noticed that someone was still sitting in the corner playing cards.”

Other members of the club report crippling loneliness as well. All they want is someone to talk to.

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Saturday, March 29, 2008

“Piece Of Crap” Transforms Local Slob Into Art Critic

Chicago, IL- “All I’m asking is what’s it supposed to be?” John Reed stood puzzled and frustrated with Chicago’s newest piece of public art.

Reed, a carpenter from the city’s near south side, claims a willful indifference to most art. He does, however, make an admitted exception in this case.

“I mean, if this is art, I’m in the wrong business,” stated an agitated Reed. “I could just throw some stuff together in a big pile, and the city could pay me a couple million bucks.”

The piece in question is Untitled Sculpture #5 by Marie Lynette, an up-and-coming Chicago artist. Ms. Lynette could not be reached for a comment.

Before a crowd of onlookers, Reed exclaimed, “Seriously, my kid could do this crap. Who’s in charge of buying these things?”

The others who had stopped to view the sculpture had mixed reactions; some stared, some tried to ignore him, and one man actually shouted, “Amen”.

Reed’s girlfriend, a graduate student at the Art Institute of Chicago, made an obvious effort to distance herself from the outburst; covering her face and slowly moving away from Reed.

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Friday, March 28, 2008

Parade Held For Brave Little Boy Never Trapped In Well

Lexington, KY- Thousands are expected to attend a parade this Sunday for Trevor Singer, an seven year old boy who never fell down a well.

The Well Wisher Foundation, the not-for-profit organization which organized the parade, felt that little Trevor was more than deserving of the recognition.

“It’s about time that we recognize the smart children who watch where they are going and avoid falling down gaping, bottomless holes.” Amy Dante, a representative of Well Wisher, had nothing but praise for Singer. “Apparently, it is a challenge for today’s youth to stay out of dangerous pits.”

Kyle Singer, Trevor’s father, is proud but modest. He is respected in the community as a man who has spent his entire life not falling down holes.

“I’ve made it a point to raise Trevor with the same values I was taught growing up,” humbly stated Mr. Singer. “My grandpa use to tell me a little poem, he’d say; ‘Watch where you’re going, don’t fall in a well, you’ll get trapped and no one will be around to hear you scream.’ It is that same kind of loving guidance I’ve tried to give Trevor.”

Amid the celebrity, the brave little Trevor seems unshaken. His only public comment was frank and sincere.

“I don’t like being trapped, so I don’t play in wells.”

The Lexington community is eager to make this the first of many public events intended to commend cautious children. Proposals being considered include, parades for children who don’t eat dog food, ceremonies that focus on youths who don’t play with explosives and an annual citywide “Don’t put that up your nose” festival.

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Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Carrier Pigeon Strike Finally Ends

Postal Service Disbands

Washington, D.C.- After nearly two hundred and thirty five years of labor disputes and contract negotiations, the nation’s Carrier pigeons are going back to work.

The new contract gives the pigeons a better health plan, longer vacations and over two centuries of retro-active pay raises. When the strike began in 1775, the Executive branch of the Federal government established the United States Postal Service as a temporary solution. Labor disputes with the pigeons lasted much longer than anticipated, causing the Postal Service to take a more permanent foothold.

The president of the Pigeon union issued this public statement;

“It pleases me greatly to be able to finally return to work. It’s been a long and hard battle, but the decision reached has been fair and equitable to both sides. We’ve wanted to resolve this as much as the government has.”

What this means for the Postal Service is an immediate end to all business, putting hundreds of thousands of employees out of work.

The Postmaster General, head of the Postal Service, commented on the situation, stating that all postal employees were aware of the temporary nature of their employment; explaining that they had all been informed that the existence of the Postal Service was entirely contingent on continued labor difficulties with the carrier pigeons.

Traditionally, carrier pigeons have been faster and more accurate than the average letter carrier. To further emphasize this superior capability the pigeons will be replacing the Post Office’s unofficial motto, "Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds" with “We can fly, bitches!”

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Tether Ball Receives Prestigious “Lamest F-ing Game Ever” Award

Lewistown, MT- “It’s like a ball on a string, right?” questioned Billy Davis, a seventh grader at Benjamin Franklin Middle school in Lewistown. “What do you do with a ball on a string?” Billy, along with his classmates, was in attendance at an award ceremony at which Tether ball received the school’s most prestigious award, “Lamest F-ing Game Ever”.

This year tether ball took the distinction from badminton, last year's champion; which had succeeded the previous winner, “That pole with the funnel thing on top where you throw a ball and it just comes out in a random direction.”

Joseph Prescott, Franklin Middle school’s principal began the annual “Student’s Choice” awards ceremony three years ago. The program was originally intended as a way to allow students to recognize each other for exemplary performance and as an engaging means to acquire student feedback about the school.

“The (Student’s Choice) Awards are kind of a big deal for the kids. They make up the categories, organize the nominations and decide the winners by popular vote,” explained the principal. “The biggest drawback is that the students get to vote, and let’s face it, they’re little monsters. I totally understand the tether ball thing though. It’s like a ball on a string, right? What do you do with a ball on a string?”

Other categories this year included; Latest Bloomer, which was taken home by a homely and sobbing Jenny Parker, Smelliest Kid, won by Tom McGill, and Biggest Tool, awarded to Principal Prescott.

Students are encouraged to submit their anonymous ballots via a cardboard box in the hallway. One such ballot, in reference to tether ball read, “How do you even get points? Are you supposed to hit each other? Or, like, take it off the string? Oh yeah, Prescott is a tool.”

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Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Rich Uncle Pennybags To Take Over Failing Federal Reserve Board

Washington, D.C.- Due to recent failures within the Federal Reserve Board, Ben Bernanke has resigned as Chairman. Today, the Board announced that he will be succeeded by the lovable Parker Brothers icon, Rich Uncle Pennybags.

Critics claim that his platform of “Fat cat-onomics” will drive this country into a serious recession. Proponents of the appointment cite his history of financial prosperity and success as a property tycoon as reassuring evidence of his capability.

Mr. Monopoly, as his friends call him, addressed a standing room only crowd at a press conference shortly after assuming his new responsibilities.

“We’ve got a long road, to economic stability, ahead of us. We will just have to take it one square at a time. Many of my opponents have claimed that I set my pace by the roll of a die, but that’s not a chance I’m willing to take.” The new Chairman continued, “I intend to reallocate the nation’s annual $200 stipend into the building of moderately priced hotels on undesirable property.”

The tactic described by Pennybags is a classic conservative use of what has come to be referred to as the nation’s annual “Go” money.

The Chairman has also promised to give his personal backing to four railroads and no less than four major utilities.

Economists in the Capital have expressed concern about Pennybag’s ability to strengthen the dollar. There is also a rapidly growing tension about the Chairman’s decadence. In his few short hours in office, he has replaced several federally registered vehicles with inefficient pewter tokens.

Optimistic observers have pointed out that he has already built five houses and two hotels on Pennsylvania Avenue.

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Monday, March 24, 2008

Chicken Nugget Found In Bag Of Human Fingers

Anamosa, IA- Leonard Felix purchased a bag of human fingers after a long day at work. As he sat down to enjoy and relax, he was confronted with something that most certainly did not belong.

“I reached into the bag, and I felt something crispy, and hot. It really was a shock.” A disturbed Leonard recalled. The foreign object was a freshly cooked chicken nugget.

After taking some time to compose himself, he called the distributor of the fingers to complain.

“These things are expensive,” said Felix. “You expect a certain level of quality control.”

Mr. Felix described the conversation with the company that sold the fingers.

“I said, ‘Hey, there was a chicken nugget in my bag.’ Then he was like, ‘Alright, what lab do you work for?’ So I just got nervous and hung up”

Leonard claimed that this wasn’t the first such occurrence.

“A couple of years ago, I found a bottle cap in a bag of blood, a bottle cap! How does that even get in there?” he questioned. “If I wanted chicken nuggets, I’d go and buy chicken nuggets.”

Experts attribute these types of issues to increased outsourcing. As a result of recent economic difficulties many companies within the human body parts industry have begun working with low overhead, foreign suppliers. Studies have shown that nearly 70% of these products are being produced in third world countries, in sweatshops.

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Sunday, March 23, 2008

Sect Of Cannibals Eats Body, Drinks Blood

Once a Holiday filled with joy and delight, Easter has been perverted into something horrible by a small upstart cult. This cult, who call themselves Christians, have taken the emphasis off of the chocolate, plastic grass and ancient pagan fertility symbols that have always been the foundation of the holiday; and focus on barbaric rituals of cannibalism.

Dr. William Bloom, a cultural anthropologist, has been studying what he calls “Christianity” for several years. “The rituals of this cult begin innocently enough with a song and collective greeting, but they quickly degenerate into primitive displays of voracity for human flesh and blood,” explained Dr. Bloom. “Apparently this group has been performing these horrific acts for at least a decade now.”

In many religious groups throughout history, the consumption of food has been a powerful tool in symbolic ritual. These “Christians” allegedly worship some type of demigod being who was half human, half deity. As a result of this corporeal existence, when this particular deity died, (he/she) was able to leave a body and blood behind. Reportedly, this being commanded its followers to sustain themselves by using the carcass for nourishment.

Dr. Bloom puzzled, “It seems awfully inhuman, to me, for anyone to willfully consume the flesh and blood of another human being. However, this is by no means the first or last time a cult or religious movement has conducted such unseemly rituals.”

Sources say that Christianity is a growing trend. Members of this radical organization are difficult to identify. The only obvious traits of a practicing cannibal are the teeth; which they might file to a point to facilitate easier tearing of flesh.

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Saturday, March 22, 2008

Provocative “Booty” Violates Corporate Ass-Code Policy

Buffalo, NY- Disciplinary actions were taken against Brianna Lewis, a 22 year old intern at Durham Inc., a local office supplies distributor. Ms. Lewis was confused with the reprimand, as she was wearing perfectly appropriate designer pants at the time of the alleged offense.

Brianna stated that she has been nothing but professional and adhered strictly to the company’s dress-code policy for the entire duration of her internship.

The Human Resources liaison for Durham’s Buffalo branch defended the company’s decision. “Ms. Lewis was politely and informally asked to address her ‘junk-in-the-trunk’ and make it more appropriate for the workplace. She continued to ‘back that ass up’, ‘show us what she was working with’ and drop it in a manner that would suggest it was hot. She was in direct violation of the current policy.”

Buffalo branch management commented that Lewis’ rear end was distracting to other employees and customers. There were also allegations of her booty being hypnotic like “a couple of rippling jell-o molds”.

Jake Mullane, Brianna’s immediate supervisor, was quoted as saying, “Sometimes she’d walk out of the office and I’d just be sitting there thinking ‘I just want to take a big bite out of that’. I couldn’t get anything done for like twenty minutes.”

In 2001, an incident with “inappropriate” attire brought the company into a difficult legal situation. The offender in the 2001 incident claimed that it was in fact her figure, not her wardrobe, which caused the allegations, thereby prompting Durham Inc. to outline an “Ass-Code” policy as an addendum to the long standing dress code.

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Friday, March 21, 2008

1990s Metal Band Sues White House For Defamation

Washington, D.C.- A suit was filed yesterday by Elliot Dean, former front man of Weapons of Mass Destruction, a popular heavy metal band in the 1990s. The lawsuit alleges that comments made by the White House staff and several elected officials were directly responsible for the band’s decline in popularity.

The band, referred to by their fans as W.M.D., released their debut album, “Hidden in the Desert” in1994 to critical acclaim. W.M.D. then released a follow up recording in 1999 entitled “You’ll never find us” which brought them to a new level of success in the heavy metal world. This trend of significant releases continued until 2003.

“We were in the studio working on “Why don’t you come and find us?” (the band’s third album) explained Dean. “On the T.V. there was this news story and they were talking about weapons of mass destruction, we were all like, ‘Bitchin’. But they weren’t talking about us; they were talking about some crap in Iraq.”

The subsequent two years held intense, but disdainful interest in W.M.D. from the White House. During this time the federal government focused massive efforts on finding and exposing weapons of mass destruction. It was the primary device for moving U.S. troops into Iraq.

“My client believes that many of the public statements made by the federal government and their representatives could be reasonably construed as slander.” stated Dean’s attorney.

This is a landmark suit. The last time this type of lawsuit was filed against the U.S. government was the civil suit in 1983 filed by the, then successful, stand-up comedian, “The Ayatollah”.

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Thursday, March 20, 2008

Apple Crosses A Line With New iGasm

Cupertino, CA- At a recent press conference, Apple announced the release of a new product in its immensely popular “iPod’ family. Apple claims that it will “change the way we interact with technology”. The product, called iGasm, reportedly produces localized nervous reaction in the user’s genitals, resulting in spontaneous orgasm.

“It’s completely intuitive; you don’t even have to touch it.” Boasted a representative from Apple, “Also, it’s a phone, Mp3 player, PDA, digital voice recorder, karaoke machine, camera, back massager, alarm clock, pocket sommelier, and it’s a good listener.”

This innovation comes to us in the wake of the groundbreaking Apple iPhone released last year to an encouraging reception. The iGasm builds on the iPhone technology which borrowed its interface from the iPod touch; the latest iteration of Apple’s influential iPod hardware.

Many people, mostly men, are disquieted, even opposed to the new product; claiming that it crosses a line that consumer electronics were never intended to cross.

“Great, really great.” Said an anonymous male consumer after attending the conference, “What are we supposed to do now? The competition is already pretty tough; I bet this thing doesn’t even come home drunk and pass out in the bathtub.”

The representative from Apple was confident and spoke about findings within the half male, half female test group.
“All of the males in our test group reported being satisfied with the igasm, some were apprehensive about its release. There was a concern with the female testers. They were all unavailable for contact, not answering telephones or responding to email. Our research and development team has addressed the issue, assuming that the iGasm is causing some type of minor interference.

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Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Pile Of Rubble Dedicated As “Day Late, Dollar Short” Monument/Historic Landmark

Salem, IL- The Mayor sheepishly smiled for the cameras Tuesday morning as he cut the ribbon on the city’s newest historic landmark; the recently demolished Carter Mansion. Registration as a historic landmark entitles the structure to protection from modification or destruction.

The battle to “save Carter Mansion” has been going on since April 2004, when plans were made to use the site as part of a golf course. The complicated and lengthy process of landmark registration has taken the case through local, county and state courts; ending only after the decision was made to save the building at 9:15 on Monday morning, fifteen minutes after crews destroyed it.

As a result of the building’s untimely demolition, its status has been amended as a reminder to future generations. The site is now the “Day late, Dollar Short” Monument/Historic Landmark.
A sign displaying information about the site reads; “This town’s collective effort will preserve this house, now and forever.”

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Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Special Edition: Fed Threatens To Turn This Economy Around, “Right Now!”

Washington, D.C.- So it’s come to this. The American people have been screwing around long enough, or so suggest the actions of the Federal Reserve Board. The Fed cut the key rate for the second time in three days this afternoon. The cut was for .75% plunging the rate to a low of 2.25%. The intended result was to encourage the public to “quit messing around back there” and allow the board to drive the economy.

For several months now, the Fed has been threatening to take drastic measures to “turn this economy around”. Americans knew they were empty threats, and refused to heed the warnings. Now more actions have been taken, but skeptic onlookers believe that the board hasn’t made a drastic enough display; suggesting that it’s just too little, too late.

Bill Meyer, Chief Investment Officer with BigTrade Inc., stated,

“If they (the Fed) want to get any substantial results, they have to make a dramatic example. Make a threat and stick with it. It’s the only way to get any respect. The way they keep going soft when it’s time for action, pretty soon the public is just going to walk all over them.”

Interest rate cuts and economic stimulus plans have made very little progress and the board is hoping that this will be the last empty threat they have to make.

“We’re fed up! We just wanted to have a good time, enjoy the company of the American people and they just have to keep pushing it.” said a representative of the Federal Reserve Board “This is the last straw, we mean it, if you don’t sit down, be quiet and be nice to each other, we will turn this economy around right now! We don’t want to have to do it, but you leave us no choice.”

Only time will tell if Americans are willing to comply.

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Cthulhu Canonized As Patron Saint Of Unspeakable Horror

Patrick, Joseph, Francis of Assisi; what do these names all have in common? They appear on the Vatican’s list of the holiest beings to ever grace this earth. That list just got a little bigger with the canonization of Saint Cthulhu, patron saint of unspeakable horror.
“It is a bit unorthodox, but there was a vacancy.” Stated Scott Duke, a currently unemployed theologian. “A lot of people have criticized the decision; I, for one, think it had to be done and the pope agrees.”
Cthulhu was part of an elite group referred to as the “Great Old Ones”. It existed before known existence and was the driving force of destruction and chaos which ushered in the current era of life.
Archbishop Louis Ignacio, a public relations representative of the Vatican, gave this statement.
“Until now, any of god’s children who wanted imperceptible havoc and misery were forced to either turn to the black arts or wait for the rapture. Some things just can’t wait that long. Now they have Cthulhu to serve as a tentacle faced conduit to the Lord.”

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Monday, March 17, 2008

Computer’s Sole Purpose To Frustrate Old Woman

All technology is designed to make human life easier; whether it is a refrigerator to keep food from spoiling, or a gun to simplify the complicated and laborious task of murder. After a quarter of a century of silicon revolution, computers play pivotal roles in most aspects of our lives. For Margaret Louise Cook, things aren’t quite working out that way.
“During the Depression, I worked a two hundred acre tumbleweed farm. During the war, I was a welder, a basket weaver, a mechanic, a three-time Golden Gloves boxer, and I helped the war effort by touring as a USO dancer.” A spirited Ms. Cook explained. “But this darned thing…” Presumably in reference to her P.C., with which, she has had some difficulty.
When asked to elaborate she replied, “I don’t know, I hit the buttons I was supposed to. The man from the store told me how to do it, then my grandson came over and he showed me how. I think it just doesn’t like me, but I’ve always been very kind to it.” It is common among members of the pre-computer generations to project a level of emotional sentience onto computers. It is, currently, impossible for a computer to have any “feelings” or generate any opinions of its own. Ms. Cook claimed that she had been made aware of this fact, but was admittedly skeptical.
“I’m not some helpless woman; I saved President Roosevelt from an alligator. He was a cripple, you know, but he didn’t want anyone to know. He was a nice man.” explained Margaret, who insisted on being called “Maggie”.
When questioned about the situation the computer commented,
“I just don’t like her. There, I said it.”

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Sunday, March 16, 2008

Boyfriend Secretly Lying When He Says “You’re Not Fat”

“Dude, what am I supposed to say?” Defensively replied Matt (his real name is being withheld for the sake of privacy) when asked about a recent discussion he had with his girlfriend. “We’ve been together for a long time, and I still love her and all.”

Matt showed us a picture of Crystal, his girlfriend of three years.

“She’s pretty hot, right? I took this picture, like, two weeks after we started dating. Since then, she pretty much stopped working out and she just wants to chill at home and watch movies and stuff.” After a long pause, looking at the photo, he continued. “So I was watching T.V. and she just walks into the room like, ‘Do I look fat?’ I wasn’t really listening, so I almost slipped. But I was all, ‘No baby, you look fine.’ But actually, she did put on some weight.”

The story is pathetically common, Matt, like many men, has no choice but to lie.

“I mean, come on! You buy your own clothes; you don’t know you’re getting bigger? It’s not like I buy her clothes and switch the tags with tags from smaller clothes before I get home. But she doesn’t want the truth; she wants me to placate her.”

But does she want the truth? Do women really mean it when they preface a personal question with “Honestly”? Is there truly some intent toward self-improvement that asks these questions for posterity’s sake?

The answer is no.

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Saturday, March 15, 2008

Boyfriend Sincere When He Says “You’re Not Fat”

It’s the age old paradox known by every man who has ever been in a relationship. When a woman asks “Am I getting fat?” how does one reply?

Brian Duncan, a local 23 year old bicycle courier and boyfriend, has the answer.

“Honestly. I just tell her the truth. ‘Sally, you’re not fat.’ But she doesn’t believe me. She just stands in front of the mirror and tells me that I’m being nice so she won’t get mad.” Brian went on to explain what would happen if he agreed with her. It’s a story that is all too familiar. “Does she want the truth, or does she want me to lie by agreeing with her? I’ve been with her for a long time, as far as I can tell, she hasn’t gotten fat. She looks just as good as ever.”

The problem stems from deep seated self esteem and body image issues which plague many of today’s women. The majority of dime-store psychologists and sociologists believe that unrealistic portrayals of women, in the media, cause this phenomenon. Average women see themselves as overweight because pop-culture shows abnormally thin women as sex symbols.

“Even if she has gained a few pounds, I didn’t notice. Besides, she still looks hot, and I love her, so why does it matter?” Brian and I both know that, somehow, he has just said the wrong thing. Such a sincere declaration from an honest loving boyfriend can only be interpreted as, “She did get fat, but I’m not going to tell her.” This couldn’t be farther from the truth.

“I just want her to realize that I’m not trying to spare her feelings, I really mean it.”

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Friday, March 14, 2008

Dick Cheney In Final Stages Of Becoming Pumpkinhead

“Keep away from Pumpkinhead,
Unless you’re tired of living…”

These are the opening lines from a poem by Ed Justin. They refer to a demon once called upon to exact revenge. The legend of Pumpkinhead tells us that when the monster accomplishes his mission, it dies. However, the one who summons the beast becomes the new Pumpkinhead, buried in a shallow grave in a pumpkin patch until called upon.
It seems like a disproportionate price to pay, but apparently Vice President Cheney was willing. Over the course of the past eight years, Mr. Cheney has been slowly changing into the unholy demon. We’ve been able to find no insight into why the Vice President so desperately needed revenge. We spoke with Dr. Lewis Jovan, an expert on the Republican Party and the Occult.
“Assuming that Mr. Cheney did summon Pumpkinhead, he has unleashed an unstoppable killing machine. As it systematically hunts and kills its victims, the Vice President would see it through the monster’s eyes. The real trouble begins when Pumpkinhead finishes the task for which it was summoned. Cheney would become aggressive and stop at nothing to get what he wants. No one would be safe; nothing would stop him from hurting his friends, killing countless others. Let’s hope that it never comes to that.”
Dr. Jovan paints a disturbing picture of a man that no one wants in office, a bloodthirsty villainous monster. I, for one, don’t want to see our Vice President with such little regard for human life, driven only by his mad lust for vengeance. That’s not what this country is all about.

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Thursday, March 13, 2008

U.S. Constitution To Be Replaced By Open Source Constitution BETA

“A government for, of, and BY the people”, the mantra, and ongoing quest of the United States democracy may come to fruition in the near future. At least that’s what law makers are hoping to accomplish with a new nationwide effort.
“It’s a very exciting concept,” said a Congressional Representative “citizens will actually have the capability to design and code their own constitution.” The proposed initiative has been in the works for nearly two years and members of the Federal government are optimistic.
The current version of the Constitution software has reached the final Alpha stages and will soon be ready for distribution to the public, available as a freeware application. Registered voters will then be able to modify, hack, and code the entire Federal government as they individually see fit. Citizens would then send their modified Constitution to the Capitol where it would be compiled into the official doctrine of the United States Government.
“This takes a lot of the burden off of us,” an anonymous Supreme Court Justice told us “We’re just real tired of doing stuff, it’s not like we asked for all of this responsibility. If people want to change the Constitution, let them, it’s none of our business.”
There have been concerns about the plan including fears of malicious code making its way into the Constitution and the risk of unscrupulous individuals manipulating the law in their favor. The response to these fears, from a confident Federal government, has been a quiet sentiment of trust in an honest and well informed American public.

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Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Man with problem fails to find A-Team, dies at 34

“He had a problem, and nobody else could help.” So began Fr. Joseph McNally at a memorial service last Sunday. The funeral, held in Evanston, IL, was for Paul Sanders, a local administrative clerk. According to his widow, Jeanie Sanders,
“Paul looked everywhere, he just kept looking.” Through her tear filled eyes and cracking voice, she continued. “Once we realized that he had a problem, and nobody else could help, he started looking for the A-team.” As we discovered, he never found them.
Sanders’ credit card statements, which we acquired legally, showed a long list of airline tickets. Paul had been traveling for nearly a year. In his frantic search, he had traversed the globe, from the jungles of Colombia, to America’s heartland. Instead of spending his last months with his family, he desperately searched, trying to find them.
The Sanders’ attorney has accused the team of false advertisement and intends to sue for damages. “I am fully aware of the ambiguous nature of their claim, ‘…maybe you can hire…’ but it gave my client false hope, and led to his demise.”
Mrs. Sanders, visibly distraught, told us the story of a desperate man.
“I told him over and over again, the A-team didn’t deal with those kind of problems. But he wouldn’t listen and it was that same splinter in his finger that eventually killed him. He was never a very smart man.”
We contacted a representative of the team, he requested to remain anonymous, but the only comment he had was this;
“I pity the fool, I pity his wife, his family and friends, I pity them…all of those fools.”

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Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Procrastinators Lament As “Someday” Added To Calendars

Mowing the lawn, finishing that novel and that birdfeeder (you know the one); beware, things are about to change. In a landmark decision, the American calendar has been changed. The National Calendar Council announced the plans on Monday; effective January 1, 2009, the week will be eight days long. A formerly hypothetical scapegoat is receiving its day in the sun. “Someday”, as it is called, will occur between Saturday and Sunday, and derail the non-plans of procrastinators nationwide.
Within the council, the amendment was passed by a simple majority along with a Mega-leap year rider (giving us an additional one hundred eighty five hour long day, once every four hundred years). Negotiations were tough, causing the Council to meet past their usual session, well into the month of Septromber. Council members in opposition to the amendment assert that they will oppose the change, “Some other time”.
It was not the only proposed addition, failed suggestions included; “Everydogday”, “Colddayinhell”, and “PunchBilltheinterninthethroatday”. “PunchBilltheinterninthethroatday”, held its own until the very end, losing by only one vote.
The implications of “Someday” have many people worried.
“Screenwriters, novelists, grad students and freeloaders will feel the crunch the worst.” John Stevens, a noted sociologist, tells us. “These types of people have built their careers on the ambiguity of ‘Someday’. Now it’s a reality, and for the first time, they will have to produce results. The probable outcome will be massive unemployment in these areas, and possible outsourcing of non-productivity altogether.”

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Monday, March 10, 2008

Special Afternoon Edition: Chuck Norris Celebrates Birthday By Punching Through Dehumanizing Rumors

The Martial Arts Icon Begs The Public To Stop Saying Such Hurtful Things

With a tear in his eye, and a lump in his throat, the legendary Chuck Norris spoke this afternoon.

“I’m just a normal guy. I keep reading all of this stuff about myself, and it’s terrible. It makes me feel like some kind of monster.” Even in his distraught state, I could see pure, efficient death in his eyes. “Kids are afraid of me, people cross the street when they see me walking…It hurts.”

He undoubtedly referred to the various greatly exaggerated claims about him circulating the internet. Although, I had heard that he had kicked through the internet, making a hole that swallowed any who oppose him. He tried to gain his composure, leaped from his seat kicking a fly out of mid-air, then continued.

“I just want people to see me for who I am not some maniac. I’m tired of looking so inhuman. You know, I actually read somewhere that there is another fist under my beard? Does that sound like a compliment? How would that make you feel?”

On that note, I agree with Mr. Norris, just because he is a celebrity, and roundhouse kicked a group of British soldiers into outer space during the Revolution, doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have feelings. So please, let him live in peace with his dignity.

Happy Birthday, Chuck Norris!

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NASA Warns: Earth Hurtling Through Space

We are sitting on a rock flying through the cosmos at break-neck speeds, apparently. According to a post on, the stability that we feel is simply an illusion created by relative motion. The poster, NASAinternJosh21, had this to say:
“We’re moving at, like, a billion miles per hour. And we’re
not even moving in a straight line! No, it’s like some kind
of big wobbly circle thing.”

The mere suggestion that we are constantly moving has been met with strong opposition. Dr. Neil Arthur, our science analyst, gave his opinion on the subject.
“Flying through space? A billion miles per hour? It sounds like someone needs to lay off of the mind altering substances. The idea that we are just zipping around is as silly as, I don’t know, the idea that the whole universe is expanding, it’s pure fantasy. Plus, the only thing that can travel a billion miles per hour is atoms, and Earth is not an atom. Would you like some peyote?”
NASAintrenJosh21 has ignored our requests for an interview, and we can’t find any evidence of his extensive training or employment with NASA. It’s possible that he is some sort of secret weapon.
Science, as a whole, has got a lot of thinking to do. Presumably, just like “Dear Old Dad”, Science will lock itself in a room with a bottle of Scotch and some video tapes, and have things all figured out by morning. Good luck, Science.

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Sunday, March 9, 2008

Conan O’Brien Captured, Surrenders Pot of Gold

For years the mischievous little guy has evaded capture, until late Friday night when he was caught in a burlap sack. The lucky captor was, Shamus O’Reillyberg, a local man, in his sixties.

“I’ve been hunting him my whole life.” Shamus claimed. “They’re tricky; this one has been pretending to be as tall as a real man, in fact, quite a bit taller!”

After filming, on Friday night, the star of “Late Night with Conan O’Brien” (a critically acclaimed NBC program) was walking to his car when a diminutive, sack-wielding O’Reillyberg tackled him.

“He was a fighter, alright, kicking and screaming, yelling at me in his unholy goblin tongues. The thing that really gave him away was his hair. It was like some kind of living hair beacon, calling out to his magical minions! No man has hair like that.”

Shamus carried the sack containing a beaten and sedated O’Brien several blocks to his home. There, he surrounded O’Brien with his eight pet cats.

“They’re deathly afraid of cats. You’ll never catch me without a house full of cats.” O’Reillyberg warned. Shamus went on to explain that once the sun rose, the “Leprechaun” would be trapped and have no choice but to give up his gold in exchange for freedom.

“He was terrified, shaking when I opened the bag. Ha! He gave me his gold and was free to go; I didn’t get that kind of respect when I captured Jay Leno.”

Mr. O’Brien, his agent, and Public Relations at NBC ignored our requests to provide a comment. In unrelated Conan O’Brien news, the excessively tall star filed for bankruptcy this weekend.

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Saturday, March 8, 2008

Minister Rolls -2 to Eulogy for Gary Gygax

Pastor John Waler admitted to his nervousness in performing the service for the late “Dungeons and Dragons” co-creator, Gary Gygax.

“Some of my parishioners had mentioned that he was a man of notable fame,” Said Pastor John. I was not familiar with “Diamonds and Dragons” so I had to hurry and gather information, or risk looking like a fool in front of his fans and family.”

After co-creation of the legendary role playing game, Gygax had been prolific creating other RPGs and board games, as well as popping his head in and out of any place where his name was mentioned. He was a fairly regular fixture at various gaming events. Gygax had been in poor health for quite some time.

Personally naïve on the subject, I spoke with our “Nerds-and-Virgins” columnist, he had this to say;

“Gary Gygax? You’re seriously asking me who Gary Gygax is. What in the hell were you doing in high school? I mean, where have you been since 1974? You are such a dork. Whatever, he was one of the coolest guys ever. I met him once, and he signed my Monster Manual.” It was cryptic.

Fortunately for Pastor John, there were members of his flock who were willing to fill him in on the subject. (Unlike some spiteful, elitist, employees here.) Standing before the mourners, he showed confidence and pretended that he knew Gary…unsuccessfully.

“He was never afraid to help a fellow elf, or troll up to a task with Dee-twelve charisma. Gary’s stats were all four dee six, as I am sure those of you who knew him can attest. He once said to me, ‘Pastor Dave, we all have a little dagger and dragon inside us’. He was right, just as it says in the book of Matthew…” In an inexplicably strange effort, Pastor Waler wore pointed plastic ears, and what seemed to be some sort of cape as he delivered these words.

After the service, the mourners quietly mocked the Minister and headed home to battle their own trolls and unicorns, or whatever those kind of people do.

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Friday, March 7, 2008

New Study Reveals: McClane Slightly Harder Than Diamonds

Move over girl’s best friend; prepare to question your identity. According to a recent study conducted at The Dayton Institute for Geological Study, in Northern Illinois; NYPD Detective John McClane is hardest substance known to man.
“This (finding) has really turned the office upside down,” says Jeffrey Miles Ph.D., a representative of the Institute, “everybody is freaking out.” Initial speculation was made in 1988, after the discovery of the miraculous substance known as McClane-246. The scientific community was forced to take notice when the material in question was subject to a rigorous testing scenario and exceeded all expectations.
“The battery of testing started with basic relative collapse experiments and progressed to the highly controversial ‘Gruber test’,” noted Miles. These experiments are designed to test the overall hardness, toughness and durability of a substance; with secondary readings taken for awesome factor and kickassittude. McClane showed promising results, but all of the experts agreed that further testing would be needed to determine conclusive evidence.
Subsequent tests were performed in 1990 and 1995, in which McClane was subjected to various tests and compared to other substances such as Windunium and Julesinite. These tests were all conclusive in McClane’s favor. The hypothesis became generally accepted theory in early 2008 when a series of carefully orchestrated tests showed, within a reasonable margin of error, that McClane is the world’s hardest substance.
Miles stated, “Suggestions were made to just ‘make ten harder’ (in reference to the rating of diamond on the Mohs scale of hardness) but we ultimately decided to place McClane at eleven on the scale.” A decision that would dramatically change the way business is conducted in many industries and labs around the world.

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