Monday, June 30, 2008

New Robot Mechanism Allows Players to Control Wii Games without Moving

Redmond, WA – Nintendo’s revolutionary Wii system is still sold out in many stores across the country, nearly two years after its immensely successful launch. What is so unique about the console is its motion sensing control system and focus on physical interactivity.

These properties have broadened the appeal of the Wii, introducing many non-gamers to the world of video games. Nintendo’s new console has also seen widespread application in nursing facilities, physical therapy, and injury rehabilitation.

Despite the positive reception, many gamers were concerned. The question that seemed be on everybody’s was, “What about the lazy gamers?”

Nintendo has responded to the needs of lazy, inactive consumers with a new system peripheral device; the Robotic Analogous Person Emulator.

Nintendo has playfully dubbed the unit, WiiFat. The innovative peripheral allows players to interact with the Wii without having to move at all. WiiFat comes with a traditional video game controller which is used to control the movements of the robot, which uses the Wii controls to manipulate software.

“It’s great, it really makes you feel like you’re playing a regular video game,” noted one excited fan. “There’s a slight delay in response, but it’s worth it to not have to get up and do things.”

Read More......

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Plant Found Dead in Pool of Own Fertilizer

Authorities Suspect Suicide

Sandusky, OH – Valerie Thompson walked into a grisly scene upon returning home from work last Tuesday. Her beloved house plant, Artemis, was dead.

“It was just sitting there, leaning gently away from the window,” recalled a shaken Thompson. “The drainage pan was full of water and fertilizer, it was horrible.”

According to local police, this was not an accidental death.

“Artemis had been planning this for some time,” said Police Sergeant Jim Booth. “As we know, plants generally move toward sunlight. It’s a very slow process. From what we can tell, Artemis has been slowly moving away from sunlight for several weeks.”

Thompson noted that her plant had expressed feelings of worthlessness and self-doubt, but it seemed to be improving.

Samuel Pride, a botanist working with local police on the case, explained the incident.

“You see,” said Pride. “Plants require sunlight for photosynthesis. Artemis obviously knew this and slowly moved away from the sunlight; effectively starving itself to death. It’s not entirely uncommon.”

Thompson expressed a deep grieving of her lost plant and said she wishes she could have done more to help.

“Maybe I’ll get a fish.”

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Friday, June 27, 2008

U.S. Forces Liberate Ant Colony from Oppressive Autocracy

Washington, D.C. – A White House official declared a triumphant “Mission Accomplished” on Thursday morning at a press conference. The unofficial, much criticized, mantra of the Bush administration was delivered with certainty.

“U.S. troops have successfully liberated the citizens of an ant colony,” stated the official. “The reign of their Queen has been oppressive and terrifying. It is the opinion of the United States Government that no entity has a right to tyranny unless elected democratically.”

According to reports, the ant queen was found by U.S. troops, cowering in a hole. Corporal Jacob Matthews was in charge of the team that found her.

“When we first pulled her out, the other ants seemed frantic,” recalled Cpl Matthews. “But after that, I think they were really happy about it. It’s hard to tell because there is such a language barrier.”

The U.S. government has placed a substitute leader in charge of the colony.

“We will need to stay with the ants until we can teach them to function as a democracy,” officials told the press. “Since the liberation, many of the ants have had a difficult time acclimating to the new way of life. Many large adult males have spent much of their time wandering aimlessly. This is a very sexist society. With the exception of their self-proclaimed queen, the females within the society are forced to work constantly, feeding the queen’s babies.”

Reports suggest that many of the colony’s residents have died, presumably grieving loyalists, or simply left the area. The White House stated that this will be a long transition, requiring constant attention from troops.

“We would like to assure the American people and the subjects of Ant Queen’s tyranny that we are firmly committed to the goal of establishing ant freedom.”

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Thursday, June 26, 2008

Fantasy Football Team Drafts Orc Quarterback

Madison, WI – Fantasy sports have achieved national popularity and it seems that everybody is getting in on the action.

“He’s bigger, stronger, and faster than any of the humans on the team,” proclaimed Jeff Sterns, manager of a fantasy football team. “Plus, he has experience with actual pigskins.”

Sterns referred to Krag, the all-star orc quarterback he recently drafted to his fantasy football team. Krag had somewhat of a Cinderella story, working his way up from a mud-wallowing, war-mongering family life. He is now one of the most sought after players in the league.

“Jeff has always had a losing squad,” stated the manager of an opposing fantasy team. “For the longest time he relied on mana management. His head coach was a sorcerer, a sorcerer! But now I’m a little worried that he might have a chance at the cloak of victory.”

Sterns goaded his opponents with arrogant taunts.

“Go ahead, enchant the ball and send out your elves. It matters not to Krag the Accurate,” noted Sterns. “As the legend says; ‘the balls of Krag will find their path, straight and true to the hands of any receiver. Many hands have touched the balls of Krag the Accurate, and all have been showered in the milk of victory.”

Some opponents seem undaunted by the legend, claiming that Krag is just one of many trump cards in the league.

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Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Imus Criticized for Saying “Black”

New York, NY – Radio personality Don Imus is once again, the subject of controversy. This most recent media frenzy surrounds accusations of Imus using the inappropriate language and making offensive statements on the air.

“His arrogance is appalling,” explained Jim Arnet, an offended listener. “He still says this sort of thing even after that last debacle.”

The incident took place Monday morning. A co-host on Imus’ morning show asked him about his car.

“It’s a black sedan,” replied Imus. “Oh crap, I mean, dark. It’s a dark sedan. Just dark, I wasn’t trying to imply anything. Son of a B—.”

Many people are offended and are calling for Imus to be fired, once again, over the inappropriate remarks.

In his defense, Imus had a short comment.

“I was just talking about my car. It’s just like you people to be so sensitive about everything.”

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Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Bulls Trade Hinrich, Thomas for “Kick-ass” first round Pogs

Chicago, IL – Rumors have been flying over potential trades by the Chicago Bulls for the upcoming NBA season. Fans can finally stop their speculation as the team has made a decision.

“It was a difficult choice, getting rid of such good players,” explained John Paxson, the team’s Executive Vice President of Basketball Operations. “Despite the talent we had to give up, I think the Bulls got a great deal.”

Paxson referred to the recent deal made by the Chicago Bulls, giving up point guard Kirk Hinrich and forward center Tyrus Thomas. In exchange for the players, the Bulls received six (6) rare pogs.

“I know, we’re a little behind the current trends,” noted Paxson. “But these pogs are really rare.”

The term “pog” refers to a game piece used in a game of the same name. Popular in the 1990s, pogs were printed with a variety of images on them and were often considered very collectible.

Reportedly, Paxson has recently become obsessed with the game. Three of the pogs in question featured the images of popular characters from the television show, “The Simpsons”; Groundskeeper Willie, C. Montgomery Burns, and Apu Nahasapeemapetilon.

The remaining pogs included, one featuring the popular character ALF, one imprinted with the image of Rat Fink, and one with a chrome outlined viper coiling around what seems to be a magic 8-ball.

“Now that I have these, I’ll probably never play ‘for keeps’ again,” joked Paxson. “I wouldn’t want to lose these babies.”

Paxson continued that he finally has a legacy to pass on to future generations. He stated that pogs will be popular forever.

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Monday, June 23, 2008

Area Roomate: Who Ate My F***ing Chubby Hubby?

Rockford, IL – “Alright, I want answers, you f***ing jerks,” stated Joe Crayton, a 22 year old college student at Northern Illinois University.

Reportedly, Crayton returned home from his job at a local coffee shop at approximately eleven thirty on Saturday evening. Before retiring to bed after a long workday, Crayton went to the communal freezer in the apartment he shares with two other students.

“We decided to stay in the apartment over the summer so we wouldn’t lose it, but I don’t know if I can take it anymore.” Crayton is at his wit’s end.

“I just wanted some damned ice cream,” said Crayton. “These hungry, hungry hippies I live with eat all of my f***ing food!”

Crayton described a half pint of delicious, creamy, ice cream that he had purchased and left in the freezer. Allegedly, the apartment’s standing rule is that labeled food has a strict “hand’s off” policy applied to it.

“It had peanut butter filled pretzels, a chocolate swirl, everything,” recalled Crayton. “I’d kill for some of that ice cream right now. I swear, those ass-hats are gonna get what’s coming to them. Do you have any idea how much one of those things costs?”

Crayton noted that every time his roommates go to Whole Foods, he intends to “dump their sh** out the window”.

“If I don’t get some f***ing ice cream, I will burn this apartment to the ground.”

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Sunday, June 22, 2008

Shroud of Turin, Forgery; Jesus Tortilla, Authentic

Abilene, TX - The infamous relic said to bare the image of Jesus Christ, The Shroud of Turin was finally and officially exposed as a hoax yesterday. News of the revelation shocked many believers.

“It’s really disheartening,” noted Roy Baker, a lifelong Catholic. “…to find out that something like that is just a fake.”

The day wasn’t a total loss for the blindly faithful. Within mere hours of the shroud announcement, the Vatican accepted a tortilla showing the image of Jesus Christ as a genuine miracle.

“As far as we can tell,” stated Father Charles Nottingham. “This is actually the image of our Lord Jesus Christ. I believe it was sent by God to teach us something.”

The tortilla, found at a restaurant in northern Texas, is approximately seven inches in diameter.

“Of course the image has been reduced in size,” explained Father Nottingham. “The Lord knows that a life-sized portrait would not fit on a tortilla. Unless it was one of those big burrito tortillas, then maybe.”

The faithful have been flocking to Abilene to see the miraculous tortilla.

Anthony Villarreal, owner of the restaurant where the tortilla was found, has been very happy with the turn out.

“Yeah, it sort of looks like a dude, maybe Jesus,” said Villarreal. “But I’m not complaining, business is booming. You know, it’s just like any other pilgrimage; people travel hundreds of miles, see the ‘miracle’, buy a torta and go home. It’s really a great system. Hey, do they sell tortas in Rome?”

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Saturday, June 21, 2008

Family Plagued by World’s Craftiest Fly

Mount Horeb, WI – Hot summer days and warm summer evenings call for open windows and lots of movement between indoors and outdoors. Often, this provides ample opportunity for flies and other pests to enter our homes.

The Robertsons, a family of four, is no exception to this threat. On Friday, a fly got into their home and they got more than they bargained for.

“I swear,” explained Shawn Robertson, the father of two. “This was the smartest fly in the world.”

The family reports enlisting the help of Shawn, his two children, the family dog and their two cats; all with the intention of catching the pest.

“I’d be sitting there watching T.V,” stated Shawn. “And it would fly by me. By the time I’d get up to get it, it was gone.”

Allegedly, after an exhausting several minutes of searching, the family’s cats collapsed on the cool kitchen floor to nap; the family dog became interested in a shoe.

The Robertsons are coping with the loss of no less than three beloved magazines who sacrificed themselves hunting the fly.

“I’m going insane,” said Shawn. “I hear it in my sleep, ‘buzz, buzz, buzzzzzz’. I see it in the shower, at work. I think the damned thing has a summer home in my car! BUZZ! BUZZ!”

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Friday, June 20, 2008

American’s Resolve to Combat Gasoline Prices with Prudent Complaining

Cincinnati, OH – As the price of gasoline continues to set records almost daily, American citizens find themselves forced to take action.

Suggestions have been made to reduce gasoline consumption by driving less or buy more fuel efficient cars. Customers at a Cincinnati area gas station have a better idea. They have chosen simply to complain.

“This is ridiculous,” stated Marie Bauer, while filling the gas tank of her 2002 Cadillac Escalade. “Some of those ‘do-nothing’ politicians need to get off of their asses and start passing some laws or something.”

Mike Cooper, who fueled up his Hummer at a rate of $4.35 per gallon, was furious.

“I have never seen such high gas prices in my life,” said Cooper. “I’m considering telling all of my friends and co-workers how angry I am about it.”

Only time will tell if complaining, without taking action, will have any effect…on anything.

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Thursday, June 19, 2008

Little Girl Mauled by Pit Crew

Joliet, IL – “People need to keep track of their pit crews,” stated Alison Petrico, the mother of an eight year old girl who was the victim of a brutal attack. “These are dangerous things and should not be allowed to roam around.”

Jill Petrico says she was riding her bicycle less than a block from the family’s home. Reportedly, Jill turned the corner and found her self face-to-face with a twelve-hundred pound pit crew.

“It was too close,” explained Jill. “I couldn’t go around it, I couldn’t turn around. Before I could do anything it was attacking me.”

Jill’s parents were initially curious as to where the unleashed pit crew might have come from. Local authorities have said that the pit crew likely escaped from the local raceway.

“This type of aggressive behavior is common among pit crews,” explained police Sergeant Al Miller. “They’re bred for it, and they’re not smart enough to know better. People really shouldn’t even own them.”

Local police plan on euthanizing the crew. The crew’s original owner has come forward to claim it. The previous owner says that police actions are understandable.

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Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Insurance Claims Reveal Iowans Wealthiest People in America

Cedar Rapids, IA – According to information gathered from the insurance claims of victims of the recent Iowa floods, Iowa residents are the richest, most decadent citizens in the entire country.

The data suggests that over 90% of the flood victims lost flat screen, plasma or LCD televisions forty-two inches or larger. No less than half of the victims reportedly lost their European made luxury cars. In some cases, the flood was so destructive; families lost entire floors of their houses.

The damaged property vanished completely, without a trace; a testament to the incredible force of the flood.

The accumulated value of the property lost equals nearly two-hundred billion dollars, an astronomical value.

Several dozen families claimed losing the world’s largest diamond, causing a dispute concerning which family’s diamond was actually the largest. One tragic insurance claim reported a family of four losing the oil fields of Saudi Arabia.

Claims adjusters called it “heartbreaking”. One claims adjuster, couldn’t hold back the tears as he recalled the case of one family having lost their solid gold Grandma.

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Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Xerxes the Dog: “Rat-bastard” Leash Jingler Will Pay

Oak Park, IL – A lawsuit has been filed against a local man for breach of contract after failing to deliver on a promise.

Steven Walter, a twenty-eight year old graphic designer, came home late from work last Friday. Allegedly, Walter arrived at home, dropped his things, and picked up a dog leash he keeps on a table next to the front door. The leash belongs to Walter’s dog, Xerxes.

“I jingled the leash and said, ‘wanna go for a walk?’ and Xerxes started jumping all over,” recalled Walter. “Then my phone rang, and it was Emily.”

Reportedly, Walter stayed on the telephone for over an hour, neglecting his promise to Xerxes. After ending the telephone call, Walter allegedly showered and left the house for the entire evening.

“My client was the victim of a classic breach of contract,” stated Xerxes’ attorney. “The contract was an expressed verbal agreement between two consenting individuals and Mr. Walter failed to deliver on his end of the bargain.”

A sworn affidavit by Xerxes was submitted to the court.

“That ‘rat-bastard’ Steve specifically asked, ‘Wanna go for a walk?’ Then he just forgot about it and left. It’s that bitch Emily, he’ll do just about anything to hit that; including ignore his ‘best friend’.” The statement continued, “I’m tired of this crap, and he’s going to pay. When he forgot to roll down the car window while he pranced around the mall for two hours, I was cool. If I don’t get something to make up for his failed ‘promises’, I am so gonna [sic] shit on his pillow like, every day. Dude, seriously, you like that Xbox? Prepare to play ‘Halo 2: The pissed on Edition. Ruff!”

Xerxes attorney stated that his client’s comments were inappropriate, but understandably passionate.

Xerxes is suing for damages in the amount twelve hundred dollars and a year of table scrap begging rights.

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Monday, June 16, 2008

Area Man Eager to Find Area Woman, Have Area Kids

Local Vicinity, U.S. – “It seems really hard to find a nice girl,” stated an area man. “I’d like to start a family.”

The area man explained that he started out as an area boy, and then became an area teen. For a short time he was an area college student. Since his graduation last year, he has reportedly decided that he has become an area man.

“I know a lot of people would disagree with my ambitions,” stated the man. “But I’ve always wanted to be an area father.”

According to reports, the man’s friends have suggested that he try going elsewhere to find a mate.

“Well now, that would defeat the purpose, wouldn’t it?” The area man continued, “Then she wouldn’t be an area woman would she?”

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Sunday, June 15, 2008

FDA Decides to List Things That Aren’t Tainted

Washington, D.C. – Many Americans have noticed a dramatic increase in tainted food warnings. The cause is simply an increase in tainted foods. As the search continues for answers in the latest tomato/salmonella scare, the FDA has announced a radical change in the way they do business.

“We just thought it would be easier this way,” explained Alan Brady, a representative of the Food and Drug Administration. “There are so many tainted foods being distributed and after a while, people just stop listening to the warnings.”

Reportedly, a list of untainted things will be much shorter than a “tainted” list.

“As of right now,” said Brady. “The list consists of; bananas, table salt, and plastic utensils. We will keep Americans informed of any changes.”

Many in Washington are calling this an innovative effort, claiming that this is the best thing the FDA has done since the approval of Viagara.

The idea reportedly was inspired by a Chinese toy manufacturer. After distributing millions of defective toys, the company opted to announce the one not recalled.

“Wait, I’ve just gotten word,” stated Brady. “Bananas are no longer on that list, any bananas should be considered dangerous.”

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Saturday, June 14, 2008

Obsessive Compulsive German Can’t Stop Washing Hans

Irvington, NJ – Millions of Americans, and countless others around the world, suffer from a psychological condition known as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Werner Gummikopf, a New Jersey resident originally from Ingolstadt, Germany, shows some very unique symptoms of the disorder.

Gummikopf reportedly came to the United States fifteen years ago with his younger brother Hans, now thirty-two years old.

“When I was five, our mother told Werner to give me a bath,” recalled Hans Gummikopf in his heavy accent. “I remember she said, ‘Be sure to wash him well, or monsters will come and eat you both in your sleep.’ It was probably not the best thing to tell him.”

Allegedly Werner, now thirty-eight, cannot control the urge to bath his little brother. Werner admits to washing his Hans three times per day, although Hans estimates the number to be closer to seven.

Friends and neighbors have described Hans as bright red and “all pruney”, admitting that it is hard to tell as he rarely goes outside.

“I know I should not wash him so much,” stated Werner. “But he is always so filthy; und bad things happen if Hans is not clean.”

Hans explained that he doesn’t mind indulging his brother most of the time. However when he does need a break, he leaves odd numbered quantities of objects strewn about the house.

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Friday, June 13, 2008

Area Morning Out to Get Me

Chicago, IL – Allegedly, this morning is planning to take me out, but I have to be careful what I say…it could be listening.

The suspicion began at 6:00 AM when the alarm went off to wake up my bedroom’s residents. I jumped out of bed to shut it off and stubbed my toe.

According to reports, my morning shower was alternately intolerably hot and near freezing. Upon leaving the shower, I slipped, smacking my knee on the side of the tub.

I then broke a shoelace; forcing me to tie a little tiny knot in what shoelace I had remaining. Upon getting into my car, I discovered that the driver’s side window had been left slightly open during last night’s rainstorms.

Witnesses report my getting cut-off repeatedly while driving to work, nearly resulting in three crashes.

The ATM was “temporarily unable to dispense cash” and I was pulled over in the middle of my three mile commute.

Sources say that this morning has held a grudge against me since its birth; midnight, last night. If I’m not around tomorrow, we all know who it was.

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Thursday, June 12, 2008

Local Man Receives Super Powers in Freak Accident

Toledo, OH – Experts are calling it miraculous, one physician noted that, “it’s like something out of a science fiction story”.

Troy Dyer, a mild-mannered, twenty three year old college student was returning, from work, to his off campus apartment when he found himself in an unlikely situation.

Reportedly, as Dyer walked along the road, a truck full of dangerous chemical sped toward him. A violent thunderstorm was also quickly developing.

Amazingly, lightening struck the chemical truck, which was about to hit Dyer, causing an unpredictable reaction. The student was showered in corrosive chemicals, thrown several meters from the area, and knocked unconscious.

Emergency crews brought Dyer to the local emergency room, admitting that he would probably not survive. Dr. Charles Parker, one of the hospital’s residents, observed something very different.

“Everybody thought he was a goner, even me,” explained Dr. Parker. “I was stunned to discover that the accident had given him superhuman abilities.”

According to Parker, Dyer’s new abilities include lying perfectly still, eating from a tube, and telepathically communicating through rhythmic beeping.

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Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Chicago Police on Manhunt for “Wrong Name” Killer

Chicago, IL – The Chicago Police department has announced an aggressive campaign to catch the suspected murderer of three people.

“At first, we thought the crimes were unrelated,” stated the detective leading the case. “However, we have come to believe that these atrocities are the work of a serial killer.”

Allegedly, the killer targets individuals who repeatedly call things by the wrong name. The first victim, a 55 year old man, was found with a note on his body. The note read;

“31 flavors? Come on!! It’s called Baskin Robbins, you moron.
31 flavors is simply a description of one of the benefits
offered by that specific business.”

According to the information released by the police, another one of the victims, a 35 year old woman, was also found with a note attached to the body.

“It’s JEWEL, not Jewel’s. Apostrophe ‘s’ indicates singular
possessive. The store does not belong to Jewel, it is Jewel. You
people make me absolutely sick! It takes more effort to call it
something it is not than it does to just read the damn sign!”

Police urge all Chicago residents to pay close attention to the correct names of businesses as it could be the difference between life and death. Citizens are cautioned to avoid using “exspecially” in stead of “especially”, “pacific” where “specific” is applicable, and “irregardless”…ever; noting that these are likely to encourage copy-cat murders.

Public concern about the series of homicides is varied. Some residents are even amused.

J.T. Molloy, an area comic book artist, had this to say;

“The wrong name killer? That guy cracks me up, he puts the ‘antics’ in semantics.”

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Tuesday, June 10, 2008

California Legalizes Same-Sex Arguing at Home Depot

Sacramento, CA – “I’m just so happy to see that society is moving in the right direction, toward tolerance,” said Mary Johnson, a thirty-two year old woman who shops at Home Depot. “Plus, I really don’t like the ‘patina’ tiles.”

“It’s the only color that goes with the rest of the kitchen,” protested Emily Stewart, Johnson’s long time domestic partner. “Sometimes you’re impossible.”

Johnson and Stewart are just one of many couples benefiting from the recent statewide legislation in California permitting same-sex couples to publicly argue about remodeling decisions, an interaction their heterosexual counterparts have enjoyed for years.

“It just doesn’t make sense that anyone would have the right to pass legislation against a sexual preference,” explained Johnson. “Seriously, I f***ing hate that ‘patina’ color.”

“What do you want,” questioned Stewart. “Black and white? Everything is black and white with you. I don’t want to feel like I’m cooking in a doctor’s office.”

“Oh, like you do any cooking,” stated Johnson.

The debate over same-sex rights has been highly controversial. Opponents of the decision have claimed that allowing same-sex couples to argue in public about remodeling decisions would threaten the sanctity of arguing in public about remodeling decisions, allegedly, a sacred activity.

“God doesn’t look kindly on this kind of behavior,” suggested Mark Lesten, an activist dedicated to limit the rights of same-sex couples. “In the bible it doesn’t say anything about public arguments between same-sex couples. As we all know, if it isn’t in the bible, it isn’t right. Gays and Lesbians, just like dinosaurs and cars, don’t exist in the bible and I choose to believe they don’t exist at all.”

Several customers at Home Depot have expressed concerns that they would have to explain why two women were arguing to their children. Reportedly, this threatens the right of parents to raise ignorant, uneducated children.

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Monday, June 9, 2008 Celebrates 100th Post

Chicago, IL – “We would like to apologize to our loyal reader for the lack of an article today,” stated Henry Q. Jackass, the Editor-in-Chief of Monkey Breath. “The article we had planned to post today was a retrospective look at Monkey Breath, but we celebrated our 100th post early.”

Jackass continued to explain that the entire Monkey Breath staff gathered last night to celebrate this milestone. Allegedly, no one on the staff felt up to coming to work this morning.

Monkey Breath has been updated at least daily for over three months. It is a satirical news type website based in Chicago. This monumental occasion has proven to skeptics that stupidity is essentially boundless.

“Many people laughed at my first article,” said Jackass. “And that was good, because it’s satire. Then I found out they were laughing because they thought it was a bad idea and I wouldn’t be able to maintain for very long.”

Jackass lords his moderate success over his enemies, quietly waiting for a day when he can leap down on them with terrible vengeance. Murder in his eyes, he smiles and thinks to himself, “every dog has its day”, allegedly.

“I’d just like to say, on behalf of my staff who are all at home vomiting profusely, thanks for reading, and we’ll keep the articles coming,” said Jackass. “Except today, there won’t be an article today. But other than today, we’ll keep churning out articles.”

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Sunday, June 8, 2008

Gravity of Comment Disrupts Conversational Orbit

Lock Haven, PA – “Everything was going just fine,” claimed one witness. “Then everything got crazy.”

Witnesses described an incident which occurred on Saturday night. A conversation was thrown totally off course when a statement was made containing a comment of immense gravity.

“The conversation had excellent gravitational stability and a predictable, well established topical orbit,” explained Janet Markley, a witness. “Then this guy came up and just jumped right in. That was the end of that.”

According to reports, the event occurred at one of Bill Phillips’ popular Saturday evening parties. Phillips was unaware of the incident.

Allegedly, the massive comment sent the conversation careening out of its natural orbit into an ultimately inescapable tangent.

“I just hope that we can use this event to further study and understand these types of phenomenon,” stated Markley.

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Saturday, June 7, 2008

Phoenix Lander Discovers Caramel, Nougat Wrapped in Chocolate

Orlando, FL – After a nine month journey and a treacherous descent to the Martian surface, NASA’s Phoenix lander has finally begun its information gathering mission.

NASA’s plan for the lander includes important data gathering tasks. The craft will take photographs of the planet’s surface, which will be transmitted back to Earth, and dig for evidence of water and other factors which could have supported life.

Last Thursday, the stationary lander made an interesting discovery while digging.

“Phoenix’s digging tool suddenly struck something soft and…well, of a strange consistency,” puzzled George Katzman, a member of the NASA team working with the lander. “I don’t know, I guess you’d call it gooey.”

The substance which was struck by the lander turned out to be a massive deposit of caramel.

“We were baffled,” noted Katzman. “…even more so when we hit the fluffy nougat. We never expected Mars to be so tasty.”

The most current data suggests that the caramel and nougat are wrapped in milk chocolate, according to the analysis done by the lander.

This represents an unprecedented finding. Reportedly, this could garner substantial funding for the U.S. space program.

“This is phenomenal,” stated a prominent NASA official. “Just think of the possibilities. We could market little pieces of this thing, call it a 'Mars Bar' or something.”

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Friday, June 6, 2008

Obama Criticized Over Association with Controversial Sandwich

Washington, D.C. – Before the dust has settled from the historic scuffle that has been the 2008 primary season, critics have attacked Senator Barack Obama, the presumptive Democratic presidential candidate.

The controversy surrounding Sen. Obama began with a video that surfaced and quickly became a sensation. The video shows a sandwich of alleged ill-repute remaining typically in character.

Obama has been forced to reluctantly cut ties with the sandwich, a long time supporter and friend of the candidate.

"This is not a decision I come to lightly, and frankly it's one that I make with some sadness," he told reporters at a recent press conference. “It’s a sandwich that I have considered delicious for many years. Reuben has been there for me and my family through hard times, as well as prosperous ones.”

The sandwich in question was a favorite of Obama’s. It was a Reuben, traditionally corned beef with Swiss cheese and sauerkraut on rye bread.

Critics are suggesting that prior association with the Reuben could hurt the Obama presidential campaign, causing undecided voters to question his values.

“I don’t always agree with him,” stated Senator Obama. “I don’t always agree with what he says, but I’m sure we all have important people in our lives with whom we occasionally disagree.”

Obama went on to explain that he wasn’t defending the sandwich, simply stating that his views and Reuben’s views are not necessarily synonymous.

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Thursday, June 5, 2008

Iraq Veterans Treated with Lollipop Therapy

Bethesda, MD – Post traumatic stress disorder, once a burden reserved for Viet Nam Veterans, has come back to rear its ugly head. An astonishing number of U.S. troops are returning from serving in Iraq exhibiting symptoms of psychological trauma.

One military doctor in Bethesda Maryland is testing a new method of treatment with encouraging results.

“It’s actually an old medical trick,” explained LCDR Alan Heller, the doctor implementing the treatment. “We’ve given affected patients lollipops.”

Though critics have called the treatment condescending and shortsighted, patients are calling Dr. Heller a miracle worker.

“You know, I actually feel a lot better,” said one patient diagnosed with PTSD.

The therapy consists of a series of progressively larger lollipops administered when patients experience an episode.

“The hope is that by the time a patient is given the largest possible candy sucker, they will be so interested in the tasty treats that their symptoms will subside,” continued LCDR Heller. “I got the idea from children’s vaccinations, once they’re given a colorful lollipop, children usually stop crying.”

Many patients treated with the new therapy report forgetting their traumatic memories entirely. The basis for the treatment is the theory that candy, which is tasty, fun, and brightly colored releases endorphins effectively replacing the unpleasant thoughts with sugary wonderment.

One patient commented, “Is there anything candy can’t do? It’s really the greatest invention, ever.”

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Wednesday, June 4, 2008

General Motors Demoted To Colonel

Detroit, MI – General Motors announced yesterday that he will be giving up command over four truck and SUV plants. The decision was attributed to a decline in consumer interest and the demotion, by the Department of Defense, from General to Colonel.

The DOD has stated that poor performance, lack of initiative, and defeat by Japanese auto makers were the contributing factors.

“We (the Department of Defense) do not feel that Motors is capable of performing the duties of the rank of General,” explained a statement released by the DOD. “We regret that these measures had to be taken.”

Colonel Motors has remained resolute throughout the ordeal. Early reports show Motors looking to the future.

“The plan is to review the designs of less fuel efficient models focusing on small cars and alternative fuel vehicles.”

Motors also proclaimed a desire to return to the prestigious rank of General.

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Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Pfleger Tries Out New “Going Crazy” Program

Chicago, IL – “It didn’t turn out as well as we had hoped,” explained a representative from the Chicago Archdiocese. “All in all, we don’t think it was a total loss. It’s gotten more press for the Church and you know, ‘no press is bad press.”

Last week, controversial Chicago Priest, Father Michael Pfleger participated in a trial run of the Catholic Church’s “Going Crazy” Program; a system they intend to implement across the board by 2010. Pfleger used the technique that the Church is calling, “Freakin’ ape-shit”.

Pfleger used the opportunity to criticize Democratic Presidential hopeful, Hillary Clinton, mocking her emotional outburst prior to the New Hampshire primary.

“Father Pfleger was definitely the man for the job,” stated a comment from the Archdiocese. “If the pilot programs continue to perform this well, you can expect priests worldwide to be going out of their rabbit-ass minds within the year.”

The program was created in response to concerns that people just don't get crazy enough about religion anymore. The Church is hoping to revive the fanaticism which has always served it so well.

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Monday, June 2, 2008

Area Man Not Really Expert on Things

St. Louis, MO – Kenneth Arlington, a 29 year old office worker, is not an expert on things, despite what his co-workers think.

“Kenneth is a real smart guy,” claimed Joyce Pender, a co-worker. “He was just telling me the other day about how after the Cold War, we set up Israel and Palestine. But we put them next to each other so they would fight all of the time.”

Reportedly, Arlington is considered by his colleagues to be of above average intelligence. They attribute this impression to the fact that he’s always talking about something.

“Did you know that seals are the only mammal which can hold its breath under water for over two minutes?” questioned another co-worker. “I didn’t, I learned that from Ken.”

“Arlington isn’t as smart as they think,” explained Bill Durham, one of Kenneth’s peers. “I’m really sick of him misinforming everyone around here. But, if management hears everyone else saying stupid things like, ‘ducks are the only flightless birds’ or ‘women were given the right to vote in 1996’, I’m a shoe-in for a promotion.”

Reports suggest that having Kenneth in the office has made everyone a little smarter and safer as well. Only since Arlington’s hiring has the office had mandatory nuclear bomb drills.

“Without Ken, we’d all still have that worthless anti-virus crap on our computers,” explained Pender. “It’s a big scam you know.”

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Sunday, June 1, 2008

Weblog Suffers After Video Game Purchase

Chicago, IL – Donald Drake, a 26 year old professional blogger, has really ben letting his blog suffer, according to reports.

Allegedly, the quality control issue began last week, after drake purchased a new video game.

“I really have trouble keeping my priorities straight,” said Drake. “When there’s a new game around…..I…..”

The bkog which he writes has been suffering from ladt minute posts, spelling errors. And improper punctuation

Sources sugest that this is not the first time something like this has happened? Drake apparently has a history of bing easily distracted. Many past projects have be3n left unfinished when something more entertaining is found.

Drake reports having written half of a novel before buying “The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker”. Allegedly: hid opera was nearly finished when he boight “Resident Evil: 4” Also that, "Knights of the Old Republic II" prevented him from leaving home on what was supposed to be his wedding day/

Drale contimued to express that he woll beet the new gam soon and

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