Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Fed To Consumers: Damn, You Look Good!

Washington, D.C. – “Wow, really, just…wow,” said Federal Reserve Board Chairman Ben Bernanke to American consumers in a Tuesday morning press release. “Have you been working out? Cause it shows.”

Analysts are suggesting that this particular press release was intended to combat the ongoing problem of low consumer confidence. Declining confidence has been indicated as the driving force behind the current economic slump. The Reserve board is hoping reassuring words will provide some solace.

“I just don’t know if I feel comfortable going out and parading my wallet around,” explained Consumer. “I just don’t think anyone is going to take the bait.”

This seems to be the overall sentiment when it comes to spending in these awkward economic times. But the fed has some words that might quell these fears.

“They would be lucky to have you,” read the press release. “I know you’ve had some bad experiences, but those retailers were jerks. They weren’t right for you and didn’t appreciate how wonderful you actually are. Who knows, you might go out there today and find a nice bank that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.”

A representative of the Federal Reserve board was quick to elaborate on the statement.

“Consumers just keep second guessing themselves,” she said. “We need to encourage confidence any way we can, at every turn. And by the way, nice ass.”

Experts were initially skeptical about how effective the transparent move would be.

“We don’t just want these empty, shallow compliments,” noted financial analyst Bill McPhee, moments after the statement was made. “As a country, we need something more. Something concrete.”

When asked to comment today, McPhee seemed to have more faith in the Fed.

“I think it’s going to work,” he said. “I met with a Reserve Board rep and they addressed my concerns. She said I was smart and very astute for making such keen observations. She also noticed my new haircut and asked if I’d been working on my abs. I haven’t, but it’s nice to hear. I really think if anyone can fix the economy, it’s these guys.”

The press release concluded with the following passage, which has many feeling better already.

“I saw your ex last weekend and he/she was sooo jealous. You look super hot. You know what would really kill him/her? If they saw you in that new sports car you’ve been wanting. Yeah, you’re way too hot to be driving that old thing. God, I wish I could look as good as you, Consumer.”