RNC Tests “Big Brother” Beta

St. Paul, MN – Typical RNC activities are starting to resume after a short deferment in preparation for hurricane Gustav.

While Republicans waited to get the ball rolling, the party was responsible for keeping the interest of thousands of voters without any scheduled speakers.

“It was the perfect opportunity to test a new system that we’ve been working on,” said Republican Senator Bill Tycoon. “It’s called ‘Big Brother’ and it’s basically a giant interactive way of monitoring and controlling everyone’s lives.”

According to sources, the Republican Party has been working toward getting the system functional for at least seven years.

“Big Brother is a complicated system,” explained Tycoon. “And it’s still in its beta form. We thought it would be fitting if President Bush were the face of Big Brother.”

Allegedly, the hardest part was getting the President to read the script.

Henry Q. Jackass is the Editor-in-Chief of Monkey-Breath.com. He is a regular writer and contributes frequently.

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McCain Running Mate Governor of Imaginary State

St. Paul, MN – This weekend voters around the country were clamoring to find information about the little known Sarah Palin.

McCain announced Vice Presidential running mate on Friday. The nominee, Sarah Palin, claims to be governor of a state called Alarska. Opponents have questioned where this “state” is, or if it even exists.

“I’ve never heard of Alasha,” said Christopher Alexander (D-Indiana). “You’d think that the Republican Party would have enough sense to not try to dupe Americans by making up a fake state.”

According to sources, “Alooska” isn’t even a recognized word, let alone the name of a state.

“Whatever she was governor of,” continued Alexander. “Or whether or not she was good at it is irrelevant. It’s hard to look at her political record if she’s lying to us from Jump Street.”

The Republican Party has been trying to dissolve these potentially damaging sentiments with a poorly received campaign. The campaign suggests that Alafka is, in fact, a state; having been granted statehood in 1959.

No on ehas been able to find any evidence to substantiate this claim.

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Obama Saves Entire World with Single Speech

Denver, CO – Democratic Presidential nominee, Barack Obama, addressed the nation on the final day of the Democratic national convention last Thursday.

For a number of reasons, the speech was considered a historic one. The fact that it was given by the first African-American candidate to be nominated by the democratic or republican parties was driven home by the coincidence with the anniversary of the “I have a dream” speech given by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

The content of the speech was the highlight; the factor which many believed would make it a moment remembered by generations.

But what happened immediately following the speech was entirely unexpected, the whole world started to get better.

In the Middle East, combatants laid down their arms. In portions of Africa, and the Southern United States, rain began to fall, improving the terrible droughts. Our planet began to change.

“It has really been amazing,” said Jeremy Pfaltzer, a political analyst. “I’ve never seen anything like it before. We’ve had reports that the global temperature has started to decline; the polar ice caps are actually growing. This is beyond the reach of politics.”

Reports suggest that belligerent nations have started diplomatic talks and economies around the globe have been steadily improving. Financial analysts say that the housing market has even stopped its decline.

The most recent word of the astonishing effects of Obama’s speech says that Giant Pandas have started “working over-time” to gets their species’ numbers up.

What does all of this mean? Experts are saying it means everything is going to be okay.

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