An Open Letter To The Readers

To all eight of our readers, to include the three of you who enjoy Monkey Breath, the two of you who read everyday patiently awaiting our fatal mistake, and the two of you who are forced to read MB as part of your debt to society (thank you Nevada Dept. of Corrections), and the other guy; we truly appreciate your readership and support in this past year.

It has been brought to our attention that some of you are concerned about the future of Monkey-breath.com as a result of the abrupt halt to new content being posted. It has been remiss of us to leave our small but fanatical fan base out of the loop on such an important development in our story.

This time each year, the Monkey-breath.com world headquarters in Chicago’s prestigious “Wolrd Headquarters” district, on Spelling Error Avenue, is rented out to host the “All Clown Rodeo and Pig-grip”. As a side note, it’s a truly fascinating show in which clowns ride other clowns and do their best to grip those ever-slippery pigs. As a result, the office smells like livestock, greasepaint, and baby oil.

Taking into account that his office is being used to shoe particularly ornery harlequins Mr. Jackass thought this would be a good time sort some things out. The staff has gone their separate ways to fulfill unfulfilled dreams, legitimize illegitimate children, and basically tie up some loose ends.

Our editor-in-chief, Henry Q. Jackass, is currently undergoing some much needed anger management counseling.  Bigfoot, our financial advisor, has been called to Washington to advise a high profile, recently elected official, who shall remain nameless. Lance Cooper, our sports reporter, is in his hidden lair deep beneath Halas Hall, playing a pipe organ and completing his masterwork, “From Hurling to Jai Alai: Sports in the Key of H (Actually just the H sound)”. Viktor Mimmirsbrunner, our expert on the weird, is reportedly traveling the world in search of the Eye of Agamoto, whatever that is.

But for those of you who are concerned (Mother), Monkey-breath.com has not ended.

 

H.Q. Jackass will return in…”Unipussy”

Sincerely, 

Patches the Pig Grippin' Clown 

Read More......

Sexually Curious Japanese Polar Bear Dresses As Boy To Enter Kushiro Zoo

Tokyo, Japan – Zookeepers in Northern Japan have uncovered a secret about a polar bear that has been living in their zoo for three years, the bear is a female.

 Tsuyoshi, the gender bending bear, was brought in with the express purpose of mating with Kurumi, a resident 11-year-old female polar bear. After placing the two bears together, zookeepers were baffled by the lack of breeding that was taking place.

 “Tsuyoshi was our great hope for impregnating Kurumi,” said Keitaro Mufune, curator of large mammals at the zoo in Hokkaido. “Early on there were mating displays, though they seemed awkward. There was even some tender, timid, sexual contact but no babies have been conceived. Now we know why.”

 Experts have questioned how qualified zoologists could be unaware of the bear’s gender after all of this time.

 “When Tsuyoshi arrived, he (she) had a short haircut,” explained Mufune. “Tsuyoshi was delivered wearing a flannel shirt and fake mustache. He (she) even expressed a healthy interest in the undergarments of school-aged girls (a common interest shared by Japanese men).”

 According to reports, Tsuyoshi (named after a popular Japanese baseball player) seemed bored and listless for several months following her arrival at the zoo. The bear was only comforted by listening to Culture Club albums and repeatedly watching “Boys Don’t Cry”.

 Last week, after becoming concerned with the fruitless mating, zookeepers sedated the bear to give her an examination. Only then did they discover her secret.

 “Tsuyoshi actually had several tube socks concealed under pelt making her seem, at least in appearance, to be a male,” noted Mufune. “This type of thing is not entirely uncommon. Young women regularly dress as boys to attain the respect of peers, gain admission to prestigious schools, and fight in wars. At least that’s what movies, television, and Manga (Japanese comic books) have lead me to believe.”

 The Kushiro Zoo has no intention of getting rid of Tsuyoshi as she has become a popular icon for them.

 “She is part of the family now,” said Mufune. “The visitors love her, and I think she teaches us a powerful lesson. If you want something, all you have to do is dress as the opposite gender and you can get it. Young women everywhere can see that it is easy to fool even the most qualified professional and throw off the shackles of your worthless gender.”

Read More......

Jesus Returns to Find “Awful Mess”

Jerusalem, Israel – “I’m home,” melodiously shouted Jesus Christ through his grocery bags as he kicked the front door shut. “I know I’m a little late.”

The God-man returned home on Tuesday after a two thousand year absence. He was decidedly less than happy with the state of things.

“I’m gone for a little while and look at this place,” said Christ. “What in the hell did you guys do?”

Christ was presumably upset by the state of affairs in the world, war, sin, and global climate change. The King of the Jews said that he believed we were on the right path when he left.

“Do you know what I had to do to help you guys out? I don’t think you do,” scolded Christ. “You know, you’re not the only beings in the Universe that need saving. I just came back from saving two hundred other galaxies, and boy are my arms tired. No, seriously, I’m off dying to absolve entire species of original sin and you can’t hold down the fort for a few thousand years, for shame.”

“To be honest, I never expected him to come back,” said a prominent member of the Vatican. “I was really caught off guard when he just showed up. I tried to tell him that we’ve been doing our part, but the heretics and Pagans are causing all kinds of trouble.”

According to reports, many Christian church leaders tried to make excuses.

“Some asshole tried to blame this on the Cat in the Hat,” exclaimed the insulted messiah. “The Cat in the Hat for crying out loud! Does he think I don’t know who the Cat in the Hat is?”

Influential Christian religious leader Rev. Jesse Jackson made comments on the momentous second coming of Christ.

“He’s been gone a really long time,” said Jackson. “I figured he might not know who the Cat in the Hat is.”

Read More......

Exclusive Interview with Satan Part 2

Chicago, IL – As promised, this is the continuation of our interview with the Devil.

MB: So you’re a sports fan?

Satan: Not really, I just like mixing things up. Well, I used to play this game that involved turning invisible and slapping toddlers, but I got cut from the team.

MB: I bet that was hard.

Satan: No, not at all, when you’re invisible you can just walk up and whack the s*** out of them.

MB: I meant the being cut thing…never mind. I’m sure your fans are dying to find out, no pun intended. Who is Satan?

Satan: Santa? I think you typed Santa.

MB: I’m not typing at all.

Satan: When you do type this, just be sure to check for typos, because you’re going to type Santa, then you’ll have to go back and fix it.

MB: Thanks, I’ll be careful.

Satan: So you want a personal answer? From the heart?

MB: Be as candid as you want.

Satan: Wow, no one has ever asked that before. I would say the best way to describe me is, “angry loner” or maybe I’d just say that I’m a regular guy who has been hurt. Sometimes I just sit in my favorite chair, drink red wine and cry about all of the mistakes I’ve made.

MB: Really?

Satan: No, you f***ing tool! Dude, my life is awesome. I’m near omnipotent, I’m immortal, I can change shape, fly, travel through time, and I’ve got a Camero, one of the cool ones from the sixties. One time, just for fun, I ate ice cream forty-seven thousand times in one day.

MB: That does sound pretty cool. I don’t really understand what you meant about the ice cream, but still, it’s cool.

Satan: Forty

MB: So—

Satan: Seven

MB: (long pause) So you’re—

Satan: Thousand times.

MB: Got it. So you’re happy with who you are.

Santa: In one day. See I told you.

MB: Told me what?

Satan: You typed Santa. All of your readers are going, “Whoa, what happened? Wait a second, did Santa just show up? This interview is f***ed up!” That’s what they’re saying.

MB: I’ll fix that. May I proceed with the interview?

Satan: Sure, who’s stopping you? Fancy pants.

MB: You are.

Satan: Are you calling me fancy pants?

MB: May I please move on?

Satan: Go ahead.

MB: It’s election season in the U.S. Have you taken a stance on either of the presidential candidates?

Satan: Whoa-ho-ho! That’s it, that’s the million dollar question isn’t it? I try not to get involved in politics, but McCain, oh man. If you painted him red, and put some horns on him, he’d look just like one of my minions, Bill. Bill’s all short and wrinkly (incoherent talking through laughter). We tease him about it all of the time. No, but seriously, Bill’s a good guy.

MB: Now, I’m just going to run down a list of some personal stuff. We actually got this list from write-ins to the website. You know, stuff the fans want to know.

Satan: Shoot.

MB: Favorite book?

Satan: Tie. Either “Atlas Shrugged” or “Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep”?

MB: Favorite Album?

Satan: Suicidal Tendencies “Still Cyco After All These Years”

MB: Favorite Website?

Satan: Monkey-Breath.com! No I’m kidding I don’t read your page ever. You guys suck bad. There’s this page, hellsweethell.net, where some jerk makes me look like an idiot.

MB: Yeah, we know a guy like that. Favorite cereal?

Satan: KIX.

MB: Alright, thanks for your time. I know you’ve got to get going. In the future, I hope we can get you to come back for more of this kind of thing.

Satan: Man, it’ll really cost you guys. This was one of the worst afternoons I’ve ever had.

Read More......

Exclusive Interview with Satan (part 1)

Chicago, IL – Though it is a digression from our usual format, we had a rare opportunity to chat with the Prince of Darkness himself. He agreed to an exclusive interview in exchange for…um, some stuff.

MB: First of all, thank you for being here, I know you must have a busy schedule. We don’t usually have such big celebrities; it’s an honor.

Satan: Oh, no problem. I’m a big fan, and I get those two interns’ souls right?

MB: Yeah, sure, just keep that quiet. My first questions are really about your portrayal by the media and cultural associations that you may not have fully endorsed. Heavy Metal, was that yours, or was the connection erroneous?

Satan: At first it was mine, when everybody hated it. Then it got really big in the eighties and I couldn’t even stand it. It hasn’t really recovered.

MB: Marilyn Manson?

Satan: Who?

MB: George W. Bush?

Satan: Oh, I wish! That guy is so much more absurdly f***ed up than I could possibly have made him. Maybe he made a deal with one of those cool old Sumerian gods or something. You know, like gods with a squid for a face. You wanna see pissed off and wrathful, try waking up with a squid for a face. No, but seriously, I said I wasn’t going to do shtick today. Dubya wasn’t mine.

MB: Harry Potter?

Satan: Whoa, okay, that’s just ridiculous. That series is a shallow attempt at creating a significant literary work by haphazardly amalgamating centuries of British and continental European pseudo-folklore. Definitely not mine.

MB: Witchcraft?

Satan: I was hoping you’d bring that up, those hippy f***s irritate the s*** out of me. For the record, write this down…

MB: We’re recording this.

Satan: Good. For the record, I hate everyone who thinks I would like them. If you’re worshipping me and calling it witchcraft, you’re doing it wrong. If you’re practicing witchcraft the right way, you’re just plain obnoxious.

MB: Okay, being that this is October, there’s a certain holiday this month that some people refer to as “the Devil’s Holiday”. What are your thoughts?

Satan: I wait all year for that day. When the veil is lifted, my minions can walk the Earth and I am at my most powerful. Humans who participate in the festivities are calling out for my triumphant return. It’s absolutely true; Columbus Day is my holiday.

MB: Is there anything that you do that you don’t get credit for?

Satan: (Grins) Baseball. I rig the World Series just about every year. The big guy upstairs favors the Yankees, but I like to mix it up.

MB: “The big guy upstairs”?

Satan: Yeah, Larry. He’s the four hundred pound data entry guy who works on the fifth floor.

MB: Oh, Mr. Grant. He does love the Yankees.

We will be continuing the interview tomorrow, please come back for “Exclusive interview with Satan part 2”.

Read More......

Monkey-Breath Staff Beaten Severely

Dear Readers,

This is to inform you that the, usually reliable, staff of comedy writers here at Monkey-Breath.com did not provide an article for you to read today. These award-winning writers, some of which are Ivy Leaguers, lacked the wherewithal to write anything funny. They felt that covering the “hot-button” topics such as, last night’s debate, the credit crisis, and the Loch Ness monster releasing her third album, as trite.

I’m writing in hopes that this dereliction of duty won’t stop you from coming back to read Monkey-Breath, or recommending it to your many attractive friends. As a show of good faith, I have beaten my staff into a near comatose state. I give you my word that these elitist, Oxford comma using, Mac-jockeys won’t let you down again. Please don’t stop reading Monkey-Breath.com. Please continue to tell your friends about us, tattoo our web address on your face, name your children Monkey-Breath.com, submit us to Digg, put us on your facebook/myspace page, all of those normal things you would do with a wonderful upstart news satire page of as high a quality as Monkey-Breath.com.

I assure you that my staff will cease this irresponsible behavior and continue to churn out quality satire. There will be a hilarious article, which will be appropriate for discussing around the water cooler at work tomorrow morning. Again, I’ve beaten them into comas with my bare hands, nothing is more important to me than the quality control of this website. Wait, if they’re all comatose…who is going to write the…

Sincerely,

Henry Q. Jackass
Editor-In-Chief, Monkey-Breath.com

Read More......

Pirates Disappointed by Lack of Swashbuckling

Indian Ocean – U.S. Navy ships have been surrounding a cargo ship seized by pirates last week. The ship is of Ukrainian origin and is loaded with Soviet era weaponry. The U.S. Navy hasn’t participated in the negotiations, but there has been a positive development.

The pirates have lowered their ransom demands from thirty-five million to twenty million dollars. Experts believe that the change of heart was a matter disillusionment.

According to reports, the pirates have been communicating through the media.

“We just expected more, um, you know, swords and stuff,” one of the pirates told reporters, through a translator. “It’s kind of boring up here.”

Allegedly the pirates, though armed with guns, carried duffel bags onto the ship, which were packed with high leather boots, three-cornered hats, parrots and cutlass-style swords.

“We really expected people to be swinging onto the deck and stuff,” stated one of the disenfranchised pirates. “Yar! I just wanted to say that a few times. This really sucks, there’s no rum, I haven’t gotten to push anybody off the plank, I don’t even know why I let my dad push me into this business.”

Experts are speculating that the pirates’ ransom demands will continue to fall, as long as swashbuckling levels remain as low as they are currently.

Read More......

Grag Hate Ice Age

9,000 B.C. (approx)

North America – This season has been the coldest in recent history. As the ice caps expand and atmospheric changes plunge the Earth into near unprecedented low temperatures, many are finding basic survival to be inconvenient, at the least.

Grag is a local twenty-year-old hunter. He is one of the oldest members of his social group, or tribe, and fails to recall a season this inhospitable.

“Ice age, bad,” noted Grag. “Food am not here. Toes am numb.”[sic]

Grag went on to explain that the declining presence of foliage has caused herbivorous herd animals, the primary food source for Grag’s people, to migrate further south.

As a hunter, Grag’s employment is threatened by a lack of game.

“Grag job am being outsourced,” noted the despondent hunter. “Grag am not vested in pension yet.”[sic]

Grag sadly explained other problems plaguing he and his people. He made particular mention of the consistent cold, icy winds, and invasive groups of predators killing and eating members of the community.

“Grag think elders should do something about big cats,” said Grag. “Elders have responsibility to people. Not just fill pockets with shiny stones.”

When asked to summarize his sentiments about the current state of things, Grag was poignant and concise.

“Grag hate ice age.”

Read More......

FDR Surprises Nazis With Impromptu Jitterbug

October 10, 1942

Washington, D.C. – The President of the United States, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, took a moment last night to shock Uncle Fritz right out of his boots.

Rumors about President Roosevelt being confined to a wheel chair have been running rampant around Germany for several months. This vicious scuttlebutt has threatened to undermine our position as a dominating force in this Great War against the threat of fascism and the Nazi party.

The Commander in Chief took a break from his constant strategizing and attended a Washington area jazz club.

The crowd at the club humbly cleared the dance floor for the President and stared in quiet awe as he approached. With a cigarette in his mouth and a heartwarming smile, President Roosevelt addressed the revelers.

“It has never been my interest to impede the rabble-rousing of the spirited youth,” said Roosevelt. “And I don’t intend to start now.”

The President called for a photographer and proceeded to dance a lively jitterbug. He insisted that the photographer jot down these words:

“The enemies of these great United States will know from this day forth, that they’re up against a robust old Knickerbocker with a spry step. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Adolf!”

Read More......

Obama Saves Entire World with Single Speech

Denver, CO – Democratic Presidential nominee, Barack Obama, addressed the nation on the final day of the Democratic national convention last Thursday.

For a number of reasons, the speech was considered a historic one. The fact that it was given by the first African-American candidate to be nominated by the democratic or republican parties was driven home by the coincidence with the anniversary of the “I have a dream” speech given by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

The content of the speech was the highlight; the factor which many believed would make it a moment remembered by generations.

But what happened immediately following the speech was entirely unexpected, the whole world started to get better.

In the Middle East, combatants laid down their arms. In portions of Africa, and the Southern United States, rain began to fall, improving the terrible droughts. Our planet began to change.

“It has really been amazing,” said Jeremy Pfaltzer, a political analyst. “I’ve never seen anything like it before. We’ve had reports that the global temperature has started to decline; the polar ice caps are actually growing. This is beyond the reach of politics.”

Reports suggest that belligerent nations have started diplomatic talks and economies around the globe have been steadily improving. Financial analysts say that the housing market has even stopped its decline.

The most recent word of the astonishing effects of Obama’s speech says that Giant Pandas have started “working over-time” to gets their species’ numbers up.

What does all of this mean? Experts are saying it means everything is going to be okay.

Read More......

Shots Fired Over Airspace Violation

Dining Room, 3F – Bill Anderson has to be careful in his dining room these days. He has recently used plywood to cover a gaping hole in his floor, which was caused by his neighbor, The Republic of Alan.

“I was just headed into the kitchen to get some pizza,” said Anderson. “I know my floorboards are a little creaky, but this is crazy.”

Allegedly, as Anderson passed through the dining room, he heard a loud bang and a large hole appeared in his floor. Reports suggest that the implement of destruction was a twelve-gauge shotgun.

“We’ve had territory disputes before,” noted Anderson, a citizen of the United States. “Like the back hallway, he’s always trying to invade it. I don’t care, except that if I want to take out my garbage, I either have to go around the front, of pay international tariffs. I was unaware that Alan had such sophisticated anti-air capabilities.”

According to the Republic of Alan Minister of Public Affairs, Alan Moorehouse, Mr. Anderson is the aggressor.

“As President of this great land,” explained President Moorehouse. “I have ordered the belligerent party to cease any and all activities in restricted airspace. He continues to perform operations despite my warnings. He could be running surveillance missions or worse, and I have no way of knowing.”

The Republic of Alan demands that Anderson respect its’ sovereignty and insists that further defensive actions will be taken when necessary.

The United Nations has been trying to avoid inclusion in the dispute, presumably in hopes that it will work itself out. However, this act of war cannot go unnoticed, according to some officials.
“It is and has always been our policy to defend our allies,” said a representative from the UN. “Though it may have been a poor choice, the United Nations is officially allied with The Republic of Alan. Mr. Anderson is in direct, aggressive, and unacceptable violation of international treaties.”

Read More......

Russia Escalates Scrabble Dispute

Tbilisi, Georgia – Last week, Russia sent armed forces into the sovereign nation of Georgia, reportedly in response to military action taken by the former soviet nation.

Allegedly, the conflict was caused by a controversial move in the game of Scrabble.

“There is nothing in the rules that says you can’t use an abbreviation, as long as it has been regularized,” stated Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin. “I’d say that U-S-S-R is as regularized as abbreviations get.”

The Georgian government does not agree. However, reports suggest that the Georgians were willing to “agree to disagree” until South Ossetia expressed public support for Russia.

South Ossetia is a region within Georgia that has been increasingly siding with Russia. This allegiance is particularly evident in matters of Scrabble. Abkhazia is also alleged to be supporting Russia in the dispute.

World leaders, including U.S. President Bush, have publicly criticized Russia’s actions. This use of force is viewed by many as an attempt to undermine the sovereign authority of Georgia; also that abbreviations are not allowed.

“This could not be further from the truth,” explained Putin in response to these allegations. “Russia is simply trying to defend the smaller helpless nations from tyranny, and it clearly says ‘unless regularized.”

The world community is left with a difficult decision; no matter which side is taken, it would seem that a small, defenseless nation is being “bullied” by a larger neighbor.

Representatives from the U.N. have begged for an end to the hostility; suggesting that perhaps the word could stand, but Russia would have to forfeit the triple word score.

Regardless of opinion, it seems that the consensus is a desire to end this conflict with as little loss of life as possible; also to decide if abbreviations are allowed.

They’re not.

Henry Q. Jackass is Editor-in-Chief of Monkey-Breath.com. He is a regular writer and contributes frequently.

Read More......

Insurgents Opposed Troop Surge

Washington, D.C. – Republican presidential hopeful, Senator John McCain, spoke yesterday concerning his long-standing opinion of the Bush administration’s troop surge of 2007.


Support, or opposition of the troop surge has been a huge point of contention between key figures of the U.S. government. Sen. McCain has criticized his opponent in the upcoming presidential race, Democratic Senator Barack Obama, for his opposition of the massive troop surge.

“This was different,” explained Angela Carter, a Monkey-Breath.com political correspondent. “Senator McCain wasn’t going after his political opponents. During his speech, he brought to light the opinions of other groups involved in the war.”

Senator McCain hammered Iraqi insurgents for their vehement opposition to the troop surge.

“When the surge was first proposed,” said McCain. “Insurgents in Iraq made it perfectly clear that they were against it. Even now, after having seen the results, the insurgents still claim that it wasn’t the best course of action.”

McCain continued to say that he and the Republican Party see this political stance as a lack of foresight and a clear indication of an ill-informed opinion.

“If it were up to them (insurgents),” said McCain. “We’d never have been there in the first place; where would they be then? Where would the insurgents have been if we hadn’t sent wave after wave of U.S. forces in there? I think the answer is obvious.”

Read More......

Politicians From Somewhere Else Do Something

??? – As the American general election approaches and political tensions hit a fever pitch, one can’t help but wonder whether or not other countries have politicians. They must, right?

Politics can’t be exclusive to the United States, despite the fact that we have the most advanced system of government on Earth.

According to reports, nearly every country in the world has some type of politician abundant in its political system. Allegedly, countries as small and insignificant as Israel, North Korea, South Africa, and Mexico all have politicians.

Proponents of these politicians suggest that they engage in regular activities as well. As often as once per day, leaders of other governments do things.

At press time, there was no indication of whether or not these “other-place” politicians will do anything entertaining, but many maintain a watchful eye.

Read More......

Death Star Plans Located

Coruscant – “I’m so relieved,” stated Darth Vader, a key member of the Emperor’s cabinet. “I was going crazy looking for those plans.”

Vader issued a public apology for having assumed that the plans were stolen.

“A local man named Jim Thompson played an integral role in finding the plans,” explained Vader.

Reportedly, Thompson and Vader were discussing the lost plans at Vader’s apartment. The two watched reruns of 1980s television shows, a favorite pass-time for Thompson. Allegedly, an episode of NBC’s “The Cosby Show” helped illuminate the path to the plans.

“It was a great episode,” noted Thompson. “Vanessa had lost her homework and Dr. Huxtable played detective. Hilariously, He finds the homework in the freezer, the freezer!”

“Jim was like, ‘Hey, did you check the freezer?” said Vader. “And I was like, ‘No, why would it be in the freezer?’ But he was right there they were.”

Lord Vader immediately called his co-workers, reportedly saying, “Hey, it’s cool, sorry. My bad, they were in the freezer.”

Read More......

Local Man Given Clairvoyance Enough to Locate Stolen Death Star Plans

Memphis, TN – “You know, I’ve always said, ‘Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match,'well, you know the saying,” explained Jim Thompson, a 32 year old local man. “But here I am, knowing where those plans are.”

In the past, powerful members of the government have been criticized for lack of clairvoyance. Now that the plans are located, government officials have stated that there will be no one to stop them this time.

According to reports, this “Death Star” is now the ultimate power in the galaxy. Many hope that the small moon sized battle station will help expedite war efforts in the Middle East.

Authorities are suggesting that it may, in fact, alleviate the need for regional governors.

After literally thousands of years of research, the method of obtaining this clairvoyance is still elusive to even the most privileged officials. When Thompson was questioned about how he did it, his answer was simple.

“Turns out, it was Jesus. Jesus was always the answer.”

Read More......

CIA Agent Drunk Dials Al-Qaeda

Washington, D.C. – Allegedly, a CIA agent, whose name is being withheld for security reasons, called a number in his address book while heavily intoxicated. The number was revealed to be a direct line to Al-Qaeda. Reports suggest that the terrorist group has been screening their calls; avoiding contact with the U.S. government.

The calls were recorded in numerous voice mail messages. For the sake of journalistic integrity, we have transcribed the messages as accurately as possible.

11:45 p.m.

Agent: Hey, hey, I just hit some buttons on my phone, and it called you. I thought it was weird, so I went with it.

11:48 p.m.

Agent: Hi, I was joking last time, I called you on purpose. I miss you; we should really hang out sometime. You know, this whole “war on terror” thing, it just makes everything harder.
(Long pause)
Hey! Remember that time we got in a fight with those communists? They were not f***ing around. I totally saved your ass though. That was so awesome.

12:00 a.m.

Agent: Fine, you don’t want to answer your phone? You can go to hell!

12:06 a.m.

Agent: No, no, (incoherent mumbling). You, I want my “Vapors” tape back! I loaned you my “Vapors” tape. That tape had everything; Waiting for the Weekend, Turning Japanese.
(Begins singing “Turning Japanese” by The Vapors)
(Mumbles lyrics, begins singing “Land Down Under” by Men at Work)
What was I saying? Oh yeah, Land Down Under!

12:20 a.m.

Agent: I’m sorry, I didn’t want you to f**k off, or whatever I told you to do; you’re awesome. I’m not just saying that because—
(loud thud, rustling noises)
S**t, s**t, I dropped the phone! Don’t hang up I just dropped the phone! Is that better? I got it.
(mumbling)

12:30 a.m.

Agent: (snoring)

12:45 a.m.

Agent: Sometimes, I just think, “What am I doing with my life?” You know? What’s it all about?

1:00 a.m.

Agent: This is CNN.
(laughing)

1:02 a.m.

Agent: (crying) Why don’t you talk to me? You’re the only one I lever had. I just…

1:04 a.m.

Agent: Did I say lever? I’m such a screw up! That’s why you don’t love me.


The transcribed messages show a disturbingly relatable situation. No one within the CIA or Al-Qaeda has commented publicly on the calls. Allegedly, the CIA is a little embarrassed and hopes to not run into Al-Qaeda anytime soon; as it would be awkward at best.

Read More......

Bush Denounces “Talking” as a Form of Conflict Resolution

Jerusalem, Israel – President Bush launched a biting offensive against non-violent conflict resolution Thursday, as he spoke at Israel’s 60th anniversary celebration.

The U.S. President compared suggestions to speak with belligerent leaders to suggestions of diplomatic discussions with the Nazi party made prior to World War II; striking a nerve with Israel’s largely Jewish population. He called the dream of diplomatic communication a “foolish delusion”. Bush indicated that despite never actually having tried to speak with Hitler, prior to the war, it would have been a mistake on the part of our government.

"Some seem to believe we should negotiate with terrorists and radicals, as if some ingenious argument will persuade them they have been wrong all along," stated President Bush, noting the implausibility of a persuasive, ingenious argument. He also hinted at the futility of talking.

The speech seemed to be a veiled attack on diplomacy and talking with not-so-veiled undertones of criticism toward the Democratic Party. Bush painted a picture of Democrats as being talkers.

Many believe that this speech was an attempt to turn Jewish-American voters against Democratic Presidential hopeful, Senator Barack Obama. This suspicion was strongly supported when President Bush ended the speech with the following statement;

“Obama wanted me to tell you, 'As-Salaamu Alaikum', whatever that means.”

Read More......

Cyclone Devastates Hawaii

10,000 Hats Blown Off

Kailua-Kona, HI – The astonishing series of powerful natural disasters continues to terrorize the Pacific; most recently hitting Hawaii.

Early this afternoon, a storm struck Hawaii’s big island, throwing the normally tranquil island into turmoil. Gale force winds swept across the landscape claiming beach umbrellas, windsocks and thousands of innocent hats.

Bill Richards, a Texas native vacationing in Hawaii, was walking along the beach with his family when the unexpected storm hit.

“My father gave me that hat,” explained Richards. “Before I knew it, it was gone. It just flew away.” Richards described a white Stetson which had been in his family for nearly five years.

Richards wasn’t the only one who lost cherished headgear. Thousands of tourists, as well as local residents, reported having hats snatched right off of their heads by the storm. Hawaii’s state government is scrambling to take action and provide aid. There is no word yet as to whether or not the federal government will step in to provide assistance.

Local authorities have reported a death toll of zero, with no injuries.

Read More......

China Bans “Flee Tibet” Slogan at Beijing Orympics

Beijing, China- As each day brings the world closer to the XXXIX Olympiad; tensions over alleged inhumane practices are a growing concern for the People’s Republic of China, host of this year’s games.

Yesterday, the Chinese government made a definitive stance on one particular type of protest.

“There will be absolutely no tolerance for protest of any kind at these games,” declared a government representative. “To be clear, this is an official ban on the popular ‘flee Tibet’ signs or anything bearing that slogan, at the Beijing Orympic games.”

Protestors and activists around the world have been a consistent nuisance for China’s Olympic torch run; the most prominent of China’s alleged offences being the occupation of Tibet.

Some known activists have slyly promised, in a public statement to China, to “destroy any and all items bearing the words ‘flee Tibet”. They also noted, respectfully, that it was never their intention to make a mockery of the “Orympics”; adding cryptically that the event is something they “rikey velly much”.

Read More......