Sexually Curious Japanese Polar Bear Dresses As Boy To Enter Kushiro Zoo

Tokyo, Japan – Zookeepers in Northern Japan have uncovered a secret about a polar bear that has been living in their zoo for three years, the bear is a female.

 Tsuyoshi, the gender bending bear, was brought in with the express purpose of mating with Kurumi, a resident 11-year-old female polar bear. After placing the two bears together, zookeepers were baffled by the lack of breeding that was taking place.

 “Tsuyoshi was our great hope for impregnating Kurumi,” said Keitaro Mufune, curator of large mammals at the zoo in Hokkaido. “Early on there were mating displays, though they seemed awkward. There was even some tender, timid, sexual contact but no babies have been conceived. Now we know why.”

 Experts have questioned how qualified zoologists could be unaware of the bear’s gender after all of this time.

 “When Tsuyoshi arrived, he (she) had a short haircut,” explained Mufune. “Tsuyoshi was delivered wearing a flannel shirt and fake mustache. He (she) even expressed a healthy interest in the undergarments of school-aged girls (a common interest shared by Japanese men).”

 According to reports, Tsuyoshi (named after a popular Japanese baseball player) seemed bored and listless for several months following her arrival at the zoo. The bear was only comforted by listening to Culture Club albums and repeatedly watching “Boys Don’t Cry”.

 Last week, after becoming concerned with the fruitless mating, zookeepers sedated the bear to give her an examination. Only then did they discover her secret.

 “Tsuyoshi actually had several tube socks concealed under pelt making her seem, at least in appearance, to be a male,” noted Mufune. “This type of thing is not entirely uncommon. Young women regularly dress as boys to attain the respect of peers, gain admission to prestigious schools, and fight in wars. At least that’s what movies, television, and Manga (Japanese comic books) have lead me to believe.”

 The Kushiro Zoo has no intention of getting rid of Tsuyoshi as she has become a popular icon for them.

 “She is part of the family now,” said Mufune. “The visitors love her, and I think she teaches us a powerful lesson. If you want something, all you have to do is dress as the opposite gender and you can get it. Young women everywhere can see that it is easy to fool even the most qualified professional and throw off the shackles of your worthless gender.”

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British, Others Terribly Confused Over What Football Is

Canton, OH (Pro Football Hall of Fame) – Football is one of the five most popular professional sports played in the United States. It stands shoulder to shoulder with some of the greatest sports ever played, baseball, basketball, hockey, etc.

 Despite its national popularity some members of the international community (we’re looking at you, England) are ignorant as to what football really is. For the sake of the uneducated, we have included a short explanation of the real game of football, as it appears in the book, “Football, We Mean Real Football” by Lance Cooper.

 Football is a game played by giants. It is played on a field one hundred and nine meters long by forty-eight meters wide. Each team begins play with eleven players on the field and play ends when all but one player is dead. It is played with an oblong, football-shaped ball.

The word football comes from medieval Europe when peasants played games on foot, as opposed to equestrian games played by the aristocracy.

 Allegedly, there is an international misconception that football is played by small Nancy-boys in long shorts who are not allowed to hurt each other at all. Experts are suggesting that there is a strong correlation between ignorance of the game of football and the excessive use of the letter “U”.

 “We are not ignourant of the existence of American foutball,”[sic] said Nigel Baker, a sports reporter from London. “We just doun’t think of that game when we say foutball.”

 Sources say that Mr. Baker is an idiot, and that he made up the term “American football”. Despite their ridiculous, boring, concept of football, Britain is not devoid of violent, entertaining sports. Rugby is a widely enjoyed sport in the U.K. and around the world.

 In the course of research for this article it was revealed that many, many other regions are confused about the definition of football. Much like England, they also have goofy, quasi-entertaining sports such as, Jai-alai (South America), Lacrosse (Europe), Boot-wazzle (Australia), and the always-interesting Hurling (Ireland)*.

 *Not to be confused with the ultra-lame Curling which is popular in Canada. 

Lance Cooper writes the Sports section of Monkey-Breath.com. He is currently in the bathtub eating a taco. Lance is the author of the bestselling book "Whooo!!! Sports" which can be found in local book stores. 

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The Smell of Donuts Intoxicating Reports Manager of Donut Shop

Louisville, KY – “It’s the most fantastic smell I’ve ever smelled,” says 46-year-old Bill Anderson, manager of a local donut shop. “That’s why I work here, because I love donuts. It’s not like I couldn’t get another job, I just love this one.”

 Locals and patrons of “DoNut Disturb” report that Anderson has been working there for years and that he doesn’t seem to like donuts at all.

 “I remember a couple of years ago when it was called ‘D’oh! Nuts!” said one patron. “Bill said that he would be quitting in a few weeks because he had just applied to haberdasher’s school. He was going to make hats. Bill hates donuts.”

 “La, la, la, la, la, I love donuts,” sang Anderson as he tried to stifle a gag. “They’re so sugary fantastic and sweet! I couldn’t imagine doing anything else. Also, they really appreciate me and my ideas.”

 “That guy has got some problems,’ noted Arthur Bicklestein, Regional Manager of Amalgamated Microsystems and Information Condensation Industries Incorporated, the company which owns “DoNut Disturb”. “We’re looking for a replacement right now, but he is our most senior employee, having worked in that shop for over twenty years.”

 Bicklestein acknowledged Anderson’s good attendance and persistence but illuminated some of Anderson’s flaws as an employee.

 “He always has these stupid ideas,” explained Bickelstein as he shook his head. “He wanted to call the place, ‘Please, DoNut Feed The Bears’. What in the hell is that? We don’t have bears here! And when he messes up, he blames everything on his mother.”

 Acquintences of Anderson report that he has pursued other career paths. Allegedly, he wanted to be a video game tester, a wedding cake designer, a 19^th century boot black, a haberdasher, and a professional furry (whatever that is). Records suggest that all of those options fell through.

 Anderson was not willing to listen to what his regional manager had to say but he left us with this message; “The smell of donuts is intoxicating, that’s why I still work here, MOM! I could work elsewhere, I just love donuts!”

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