Tuesday, November 25, 2008

British, Others Terribly Confused Over What Football Is

Canton, OH (Pro Football Hall of Fame) – Football is one of the five most popular professional sports played in the United States. It stands shoulder to shoulder with some of the greatest sports ever played, baseball, basketball, hockey, etc.

 Despite its national popularity some members of the international community (we’re looking at you, England) are ignorant as to what football really is. For the sake of the uneducated, we have included a short explanation of the real game of football, as it appears in the book, “Football, We Mean Real Football” by Lance Cooper.

 Football is a game played by giants. It is played on a field one hundred and nine meters long by forty-eight meters wide. Each team begins play with eleven players on the field and play ends when all but one player is dead. It is played with an oblong, football-shaped ball.

The word football comes from medieval Europe when peasants played games on foot, as opposed to equestrian games played by the aristocracy.

 Allegedly, there is an international misconception that football is played by small Nancy-boys in long shorts who are not allowed to hurt each other at all. Experts are suggesting that there is a strong correlation between ignorance of the game of football and the excessive use of the letter “U”.

 “We are not ignourant of the existence of American foutball,”[sic] said Nigel Baker, a sports reporter from London. “We just doun’t think of that game when we say foutball.”

 Sources say that Mr. Baker is an idiot, and that he made up the term “American football”. Despite their ridiculous, boring, concept of football, Britain is not devoid of violent, entertaining sports. Rugby is a widely enjoyed sport in the U.K. and around the world.

 In the course of research for this article it was revealed that many, many other regions are confused about the definition of football. Much like England, they also have goofy, quasi-entertaining sports such as, Jai-alai (South America), Lacrosse (Europe), Boot-wazzle (Australia), and the always-interesting Hurling (Ireland)*.

 *Not to be confused with the ultra-lame Curling which is popular in Canada. 

Lance Cooper writes the Sports section of Monkey-Breath.com. He is currently in the bathtub eating a taco. Lance is the author of the bestselling book "Whooo!!! Sports" which can be found in local book stores.