Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Jesus Returns to Find “Awful Mess”

Jerusalem, Israel – “I’m home,” melodiously shouted Jesus Christ through his grocery bags as he kicked the front door shut. “I know I’m a little late.”
The God-man returned home on Tuesday after a two thousand year absence. He was decidedly less than happy with the state of things.
“I’m gone for a little while and look at this place,” said Christ. “What in the hell did you guys do?”
Christ was presumably upset by the state of affairs in the world, war, sin, and global climate change. The King of the Jews said that he believed we were on the right path when he left.
“Do you know what I had to do to help you guys out? I don’t think you do,” scolded Christ. “You know, you’re not the only beings in the Universe that need saving. I just came back from saving two hundred other galaxies, and boy are my arms tired. No, seriously, I’m off dying to absolve entire species of original sin and you can’t hold down the fort for a few thousand years, for shame.”
“To be honest, I never expected him to come back,” said a prominent member of the Vatican. “I was really caught off guard when he just showed up. I tried to tell him that we’ve been doing our part, but the heretics and Pagans are causing all kinds of trouble.”
According to reports, many Christian church leaders tried to make excuses.
“Some asshole tried to blame this on the Cat in the Hat,” exclaimed the insulted messiah. “The Cat in the Hat for crying out loud! Does he think I don’t know who the Cat in the Hat is?”
Influential Christian religious leader Rev. Jesse Jackson made comments on the momentous second coming of Christ.
“He’s been gone a really long time,” said Jackson. “I figured he might not know who the Cat in the Hat is.”