Monday, November 10, 2008

Whiskey Bottle Empties Self, Poisons Owner

Detroit, MI – Carl Wright awakened this morning with a splitting headache, according to the police report. But he doesn’t remember what happened last night, Wright called police suspecting foul play.

 “I sat down to watch TV last night and I opened that big bottle of whiskey to have a glass,” said the photosensitive victim. “I don’t remember anything after that. Either somebody broke in, clubbed me over the head, drank all of my whiskey, and left me lying unconscious on the couch, or that whiskey bottle is evil and it drugged me.”

 After recreating the crime, police are still struggling to understand what happened.

 “It is as Mr. Wright said,” stated Police Chief Lawson. “Either someone clubbed him to drink all of his gallon, sized, bargain whiskey, or the whiskey had a sinister role to play.”

 Officer Larson continued to speculate.

 “A likely scenario is that the whiskey, having been trapped in a barrel for no less than five years, as the label suggests, was eager to escape. Viewing Mr. Wright as its ruthless captor, the spirit plotted a devious escape. It would make its way to the refrigerator; dissolve illegally acquired tranquilizers into Mr. Wright’s favorite soft drink. The whiskey would then return to the locked cabinet in which it was stored. It waited for days until Mr. Wright consumed the drugged soft drink, and then opened the bottle. Once the bottle was open and Mr. Wright was unconscious, the spirit would pour from its vessel and escape by flowing under the door. It was a brilliant scheme.”

 Officer Larson continued to explain that the possibility of a robber breaking in simply to steal whiskey was unlikely.

 “That must have been some powerful drug,” said Wright. “Apparently, at some point in the night I vomited and I believe the whiskey defecated in my pants, just to add insult to injury.”