Friday, November 21, 2008

Mark Cuban Accused of Wanting to Buy Cubs

Chicago, IL – Billionaire Mark Cuban has been accused of having a desire to buy the Chicago Cubs.

 “What kind of sick bastard would want to buy this team?” asked Chicago police Officer, Brian Craig. “It’s like some kind of freaky masochism. I could barely stomach it when regular fans filled up Wrigley field, but this is just out of line.”

 According to reports, Cuban received information that the team was for sale and announced his intentions shortly after that, a move that has the Securities and Exchanges Commission concerned.

 “What he did isn’t really the biggest of our concerns,” said a Representative of the SEC. “We think it’s fishy that anyone would want to buy such an awful, awful team.”

 The news comes as a shock to many, save Cuban’s closest friends.

 “He’s not a bad guy,” explained one of Cuban’s friends who chose to remain anonymous. “I just think he’s sick. Something isn’t right in his head, and I hope this investigation will help him get the help he needs.”

 For non-baseball fans, the concern here may be difficult to understand. Baseball expert, Noel Brockenheimer elaborated on why this is such a controversial move.

 “There’s just so crummy,” Brockenheimer told reporters, wrought with emotion. “Really, really bad. They’re just…I mean, my god…really crummy.”

 Cuban defended himself against the accusations.

 “Whoa, wait, the Cubs? You mean the Chicago Cubs?” asked a defensive Cuban on Wednesday. “I’d have to be crazy, or stupid, and you don’t end up being the chairman of HDNet and owning the Dallas Mavericks by being crazy or stupid. The insider trading, yeah, I’ve been doing the shit out of that. For years, insider this, insider that, all over the place. But I never once said I wanted to buy the Cubs.”


Rizzo said...

He is too weird looking to own the Cubs

Monkey Breath said...

We wholeheartedly agree. No one who is weird looking should own the Cubs, they should just be allowed to wither and die because everyone is too weird looking to own them. Also, they suck.