Title: Jim Nabors’ Smelly House
Plot: Twenty-five attractive yet socially diverse people have to battle it out inside a smelly house. The show is hosted by its creator, Jim Nabors.
Tagline: “Shazam, that’s a smelly house!”
Why it didn’t make it: Scheduling conflicts between Mr. Nabors and the network.
Title: Theme Song
Plot: The show consists entirely of the show’s theme music. It runs for twenty-two minutes with three commercial breaks.
Why it didn’t make it: Didn’t test well with the hearing impaired.
Title: Remember Happy Days?
Plot: Classic episodes of the iconic sitcom are performed live by the original actors.
Tagline: “If you thought it was popular when it was culturally relevant…”
Why it didn’t make it: The one-two ginger punch of Ron Howard and Donnie Most was too much for the public to tolerate a second time.
Title: Super Happy Fun Show
Plot: A prime-time drama imported directly from Japan. The show follows a family who is somehow shamed and their entertaining quest filled with sexual tension and misunderstandings.
Why it didn’t make it: American audiences felt the plot was too difficult to understand, also the language.
Title: Typical Cop Drama
Plot: He was a cop who lost everything. Now, the only thing that stands between him and revenge is his partner.
Tagline: “He was a cop.”
Why it didn’t make it: It was already airing on several other networks.
Title: NBC’s Neurosis
Plot: NBC alums Jerry Seinfeld, Courtney Cox, Bebe Neuwirth, and Tina Fey sit around a table together and obsess over their individual neurosis.
Tagline: “You know what kills me?”
Why it didn’t make it: Despite talented stars Tina Fey and Bebe Neuwirth, the show was determined to be too similar to Seinfeld.
Title: Hogan’s Heroes Redux
Plot: Oliver Stone makes his television debut with a re-imagined Hogan’s Heroes. His plan is to show the viewing public what it was really like.
Why it didn’t make it: Nobody wants to see what it was really like.
Title: While You Were Sleeping
Plot: Viewers write in for a chance to surprise their friends by doing something while they are asleep. The pilot episode included washing the car, cooking a meal, and a few pranks.
Why it didn’t make it: Too many of the activities taking place legally qualified as sodomy or criminal sexual assault.
Title: The Scary Report
Plot: Around the clock coverage of world events delivered in the most nerve-racking way possible. Designed to cripple the audience with paranoid fear.
Tagline: “You don’t fear half as much as you should.”
Why it didn’t make it: Fox News Channel sued for copyright infringement.
Title: Leprosy Island
Plot: One dozen of the toughest contestants are dropped on an island and infected with leprosy. The survivor wins one million dollars.
Tagline: “Watch our contestants fall to pieces.”
Why it didn’t make it: The winner has to stay on the island.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
10 T.V. Shows That Didn’t Make it To Air This Season
Friday, October 10, 2008
Children’s Author Penned Farewell Book
“F*** All You Little Bastards” Hits Best-Seller List
Dover, DE – Ray Laporte wrote children’s books, it was his life’s ambition. Over the last three years he had written twelve of them, which were all rejected by publishers. Laporte lived with his parents and worked at a local electronics store.
Laporte died last week of what experts are saying was an overdose of whiskey and over-the-counter cough medicine. Found in Laporte’s hands was a manuscript of his final book. The book was entitled “F*** All You Little Bastards” and has been called Laporte’s most insightful work.
“F*** all of you f***ers, f*** your stupid face, You stupid little bastards, I’ll kill you with my mace.”
This was the opening line from Laporte’s final book. Many are saying it is a window deep into his soul and a work that everyone should experience.
Laporte’s father, John, has had trouble coping with the loss of his son.
“He wasn’t the best writer, we all knew that,” said John Laporte. “But he had a kind and loving heart and he just wanted to make the children happy. I’d like to read an excerpt from his final work:
‘You fickle, facist, f***ing f***-faces, I hate you all so much. My God! Why won’t you publish my books? You’re children are morons, you’re all f***ing crooks. I think you stole my ideas, and poisoned my scotch. If you were here now, I make…um…I can’t rhyme with scotch!”
The book has been published posthumously with all profits going to fund the construction of the “F***ing Laporte Children’s Library” in Dover. Literary critics are calling this one of the most influential children’s books since “Go, Dog, Go”.
Only time will tell if “F*** All You Little Bastards” will become a nursery classic, but if early sales are any indicator, the prospect looks good.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Social Calendar Replaced by T.V. Listings
Des Moines, IA – Autumn is a significant time of year for many; the beginning of a new school year, the football season, winterization of your car. Nancy Sanders is no exception.
“It’s almost like I’m going away to school,” said Sanders. “I don’t see or talk to anybody from September until April or May.”
Like many Americans, Sanders becomes dedicated to watching all of her favorite shows. Sanders explained that she tries to avoid getting involved in watching too many television programs, but finds resistance futile.
“It’s hard,” she noted. “I pretty much watch Fox for drama and NBC for comedy. If I tried to add anymore, it would be too much. The shows would overlap. As is, I have ‘Terminator’ on Monday, Tuesday is ‘Fringe’, ‘Bones’ is on Wednesday, Thursday is a conflict between NBC’s ‘Must See’ line-up and ‘Supernatural’, it’s really a chore.”
Sanders stated that despite her hectic television-viewing schedule, Friday evenings are surprisingly empty.
“Friday nights feel a like hollow, soul-less abyss,” explained Sanders. “Friday is usually movie night, but it’s just not the same. Sometimes I wish I could just sleep through the whole day and get on to the quality weekend programming.”
Suggestions have been made that Sanders subscribe to cable or satellite so she could catch re-runs of her favorite shows, but the idea seems unacceptable to her. 
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
News Moved To Less Desirable Time Slot
Buffalo, NY – Local Fox affiliate, WUTV, has announced that it will be moving all of its news programming to different time slots because of poor ratings.
“We’ve tried just about everything,” said station manager, Dell Anderson. “We replaced the anchors with younger looking people, we changed the format so the anchors are always standing. It makes them look more dynamic. We even started some in fighting between anchors so there would be on-air tension. But none of it is working, ratings for the news are still low.”
Anderson believes that a new broadcasting schedule could revitalize the station.
“People who are watching the news aren’t watching it because they want to, it’s just the only thing on. Our research shows that people don’t want to watch news stories about police arresting people, or people getting shot. The want to watch violent prime time dramas and cop shows.”
Reports suggest that the evening news, which airs at 5 pm locally, will be moved to 3 pm. The morning news, which airs at 5 am locally, will be moved to 2:30 am. And the nightly news, which airs at 9 pm, will be moved to 12:45 am (to account for paid programming.
Anderson, other members of station management, and corporate executives all believe that these time slots will be better served by exciting programming.
“Everybody suggested putting on TMZ,” noted Anderson. “But that already makes up sixty percent of our programming. So, the morning news will be replaced by reruns of 24, the evening news will be replaced by a game show that we stole from the Japanese, and the nightly news will be replaced by TMZ.”
Thursday, August 14, 2008
13th Annual Melodrama Awards A Cruel Twist of Fate
Most of the Weepies were awarded to their respective category favorites; the “Most Fantastic Actor to Ever Exist” went predictably to the 25 year old Charles Faux. His acceptance speech was in reliably breathtaking form.
“I do throw myself to the ground in subservience of the Academy,” said Faux. “My gratitude renders me…humble…and…weak.” Faux feigned weakness at the knees. “But I shant fall, for it is you, ‘O you who would give me this…WEEPY…which hold me up.” Faux was then helped, exhausted, from the stage.
Catherine Devereux won the “What Modesty Must Be Cast Into the Wind to Name This Category” award, as anticipated.
“I cannot express, with all of my dramatic prowess and gifts,” explained Devereux. “How much this award means to me. Nor can I express how much it would have meant for my late husband who was cruelly taken from me at the young and virile age of seventy-five.”
O but alas, the ceremony wasn’t all acceptance speeches and grand, impeccable acting; for each award given there were the tragic souls of the losers left in the wake.
Ricky Vickers, a fan favorite who has been nominated for Weepies eleven times, once again, left empty handed. As Vickers left the ceremony, he was kind enough to comment on his twelfth loss.
“What a cruel thing this business of show,” stated Vickers. “A cold and heartless twist, this is, in an unkind world, to an unkind man. No wait, that makes me sound unkind…give me a second.”
No wonder he didn’t win.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Some Jerk Bogarting “Doctor Who” Season 3
Chicago, IL – “Doctor Who” is somewhat of a cult phenomenon in the U.K. But for many outside of Britain, it is a recently discovered treasure of science fiction television. One such fan is Monkey Breath’s own Carthag the Pernicious.
“Carthag only recently began watching the adventures of The Doctor,” said Carthag. “The local video store supplied ample Doctor Who rentals for Carthag’s consumption.”
After watching seasons one and two, Carthag was eager to continue with the episode entitled “The Runaway Bride”; the season premiere of season three. According to reports, the DVD box set of season three was not available when Carthag went to rent it.
“Sorry, it’s out right now,” stated the owner of the local video rental shop.
“It is unwise to leave Carthag hanging after such a dramatic second season,” explained the beast of unspeakable horror that is Carthag. “Carthag is emotionally distraught concerning the loss of Rose Tyler. We are led to believe that the Doctor really did love her; how will he go on without her!?”
This is not an uncommon problem in regards to watching television series by rental. According to reports, viewers often have to wait to watch exciting new episodes until other customers return the DVDs.
Reportedly, the box set is being held by “some jerk” that is taking far too long to watch it.
Carthag the Pernicious has issued this public statement via telepathy to all customers of his local video store,
“Pitiful mortal meat bag creatures, if you insist on keeping season 3 away from Carthag, you will incur a wrath the likes of which you cannot even imagine! Your blood will boil from your veins and your children will be changed into my minions for the impending conquest of the human race. Carthag must discover the secrets of the Doctor’s mysterious past! You will obey!”
Carthag the Pernicious is a 10,000 year old being of unspeakable horror. He writes the Arts and Culture section of Monkey-Breath.com and has a movie review column on Rottentomatoes.com.Friday, August 1, 2008
Kirk “Wardrobe Malfunction” Fine Overturned By FCC
Washington, D.C. - “I’m just so happy to see that there is some sense of justice left in the world,” said Captain James T. Kirk in a press conference late yesterday afternoon. Kirk held the press conference in response to a recent FCC decision clearing him, the network, and the Federation of a half-million dollar fine.
The case has been in appeals court for years and it seemed as if the process would never end, according to attorneys representing the defense. The appeals court ultimately decided that the FCC "acted arbitrarily and capriciously" in issuing the fine.
The FCC cited Captain Kirk’s repeated and consistent bare-chested antics while appearing in a primetime television slot.
“Every single time my shirt was ripped, it was…unavoidable,” pleaded Kirk, in his own defense. “Whether I was engaged in mortal combat with a brutal alien foe, or forced to seduce some…admittedly attractive, yet strange looking alien beauty; I had no choice but to bare my chest.”
“It seems perfectly reasonable,” said Barry Allen, Kirk’s attorney. “That a space Captain, of any moral substance, would have to walk around shirtless from time to time. I find it indecent and unpatriotic that the FCC would even suggest anything less.”
Monday, July 21, 2008
Fans: Michael Caine’s Face Not Big Enough
Unfortunately, not all fans were so pleased with the movie. The most common complaint was a concern with the size of Oscar-winner Michael Caine’s face.
“I saw it at the Imax,” stated Don Ehrenhaft, a local nerd. “And Michael Caine’s face was only, like, five stories tall! That’s it, five stories. I could barely see his weird eye thing.”
Fans referred to actor Michael Caine who played Alfred, Bruce Wayne (Batman)’s butler. This was a reprisal of the same role from 2005’s Batman begins.
“I’m a big fan of Batman,” continued Ehrenhaft. “It’s really disappointing that the filmmakers would let fans down by under-emphasizing Caine’s face. I think all of the fans would agree that we expected that to be the highlight of the film.”
Director, Christopher Nolan, made a risky move by filming several sequences in the Imax format, perceived by many as a gimmick. Reportedly, fans assumed the Imax scenes would be reserved for close-ups of the Oscar-winner’s recognizable face.
Allegedly, fans are demanding that future efforts be made to enlarge Caine’s visage.
“I won’t rest,” demanded one unhappy fan. “Until I feel like I’m about to be inhaled by Michael Caine.”
Fans were seen outside the theater, seemingly protesting. Many carried signs proclaiming displeasure over the not-larger-than-life-enough portrayal of Caine.
One such sign read; “Goodnight you princes of Imax, you kings of my giant face.”
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Area Man Has No Right To Own Guitar
Milwaukee, WI – “I’ve been playing for like, ten years,” explained Scott Johnson. “Well, on and off for ten years.”
Johnson spoke in response to allegations that he doesn’t really deserve to own a guitar.
“He plays maybe once a year,” stated Marie Smith, Johnson’s girlfriend. “If we go to a concert, or watch Spinal Tap, he plays for a couple of days. Don’t get me wrong, he’s not bad, but then he puts the guitar away and we don’t see it again for a very long time.”
According to reports, on the occasion that Johnson does play his Fender Stratocaster, he follows the same ritual. Johnson removes the guitar from its stand, brushes off dust by hand, comments to no one in particular about needing to change the strings, and tunes it.
“It wouldn’t be so bad if he’d play a few songs every once in a while,” continued Smith. “But he only knows the intro to like, five songs. That’s it, not even the whole song.”
Reportedly, Johnson is fond of talking about his guitar, which he modified to produce a unique sound, particular to his “playing style”.
“Every time Scott has a party, he gets drunk and wants to bust out the guitar,” noted Bill Markley, a long-time friend of Johnson. “It’s always this big production to get it out, and cleaned off, then tuned and hooked up. Everybody gathers around to listen and he just plays the intros to like, five songs. Hell, I’m taking guitar lessons right now, just so people won’t get so disappointed.”
Johnson explains that he might be outgrowing his “old ax” and is considering getting a new one.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Shroud of Turin, Forgery; Jesus Tortilla, Authentic
Abilene, TX - The infamous relic said to bare the image of Jesus Christ, The Shroud of Turin was finally and officially exposed as a hoax yesterday. News of the revelation shocked many believers.
“It’s really disheartening,” noted Roy Baker, a lifelong Catholic. “…to find out that something like that is just a fake.”
The day wasn’t a total loss for the blindly faithful. Within mere hours of the shroud announcement, the Vatican accepted a tortilla showing the image of Jesus Christ as a genuine miracle.
“As far as we can tell,” stated Father Charles Nottingham. “This is actually the image of our Lord Jesus Christ. I believe it was sent by God to teach us something.”
The tortilla, found at a restaurant in northern Texas, is approximately seven inches in diameter.
“Of course the image has been reduced in size,” explained Father Nottingham. “The Lord knows that a life-sized portrait would not fit on a tortilla. Unless it was one of those big burrito tortillas, then maybe.”
The faithful have been flocking to Abilene to see the miraculous tortilla.
Anthony Villarreal, owner of the restaurant where the tortilla was found, has been very happy with the turn out.
“Yeah, it sort of looks like a dude, maybe Jesus,” said Villarreal. “But I’m not complaining, business is booming. You know, it’s just like any other pilgrimage; people travel hundreds of miles, see the ‘miracle’, buy a torta and go home. It’s really a great system. Hey, do they sell tortas in Rome?”
Monday, June 9, 2008
Monkey-Breath.com Celebrates 100th Post
Chicago, IL – “We would like to apologize to our loyal reader for the lack of an article today,” stated Henry Q. Jackass, the Editor-in-Chief of Monkey Breath. “The article we had planned to post today was a retrospective look at Monkey Breath, but we celebrated our 100th post early.”
Jackass continued to explain that the entire Monkey Breath staff gathered last night to celebrate this milestone. Allegedly, no one on the staff felt up to coming to work this morning.
Monkey Breath has been updated at least daily for over three months. It is a satirical news type website based in Chicago. This monumental occasion has proven to skeptics that stupidity is essentially boundless.
“Many people laughed at my first article,” said Jackass. “And that was good, because it’s satire. Then I found out they were laughing because they thought it was a bad idea and I wouldn’t be able to maintain for very long.”
Jackass lords his moderate success over his enemies, quietly waiting for a day when he can leap down on them with terrible vengeance. Murder in his eyes, he smiles and thinks to himself, “every dog has its day”, allegedly.
“I’d just like to say, on behalf of my staff who are all at home vomiting profusely, thanks for reading, and we’ll keep the articles coming,” said Jackass. “Except today, there won’t be an article today. But other than today, we’ll keep churning out articles.”
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Pfleger Tries Out New “Going Crazy” Program
Chicago, IL – “It didn’t turn out as well as we had hoped,” explained a representative from the Chicago Archdiocese. “All in all, we don’t think it was a total loss. It’s gotten more press for the Church and you know, ‘no press is bad press.”
Last week, controversial Chicago Priest, Father Michael Pfleger participated in a trial run of the Catholic Church’s “Going Crazy” Program; a system they intend to implement across the board by 2010. Pfleger used the technique that the Church is calling, “Freakin’ ape-shit”.
Pfleger used the opportunity to criticize Democratic Presidential hopeful, Hillary Clinton, mocking her emotional outburst prior to the New Hampshire primary.
“Father Pfleger was definitely the man for the job,” stated a comment from the Archdiocese. “If the pilot programs continue to perform this well, you can expect priests worldwide to be going out of their rabbit-ass minds within the year.”
The program was created in response to concerns that people just don't get crazy enough about religion anymore. The Church is hoping to revive the fanaticism which has always served it so well.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Weblog Suffers After Video Game Purchase
Chicago, IL – Donald Drake, a 26 year old professional blogger, has really ben letting his blog suffer, according to reports.
Allegedly, the quality control issue began last week, after drake purchased a new video game.
“I really have trouble keeping my priorities straight,” said Drake. “When there’s a new game around…..I…..”
The bkog which he writes has been suffering from ladt minute posts, spelling errors. And improper punctuation
Sources sugest that this is not the first time something like this has happened? Drake apparently has a history of bing easily distracted. Many past projects have be3n left unfinished when something more entertaining is found.
Drake reports having written half of a novel before buying “The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker”. Allegedly: hid opera was nearly finished when he boight “Resident Evil: 4” Also that, "Knights of the Old Republic II" prevented him from leaving home on what was supposed to be his wedding day/
Drale contimued to express that he woll beet the new gam soon and
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Stock Footage of Clucking Chickens Mistaken for "Sex and the City" Movie
Albany, NY - "It wasn't that bad," proclaimed Sally Brockton, a long time fan of the television series, after watching two hours and twenty minutes of livestock footage.
Brockton, along with seventy-five other movie-goers, purchased ticktes to attend a screening of the immensely popular film, "Sex and the City".
According to reports, a mix up occured when Lou Stiles, the theater's projectionist spooled the wrong film onto the projector reel. He allegedly use film left over from a recent stock footage film festival held at the theater.
"I didn't notice for over an hour," explained Stiles. "When I realized, I was about to change it, but I guess nobody else noticed either."
Will Stanton, Brockton's boyfriend, remained entirely unaware of the mistake throughout the movie,
"It was better than that god awful show Sally made me watch," claimed Stanton. "I was a little suspicious when the movie was almost over and I hadn't heard the words 'orgasm' or 'shoes', but I just thought they got better writers."
As a result of the positive reception, film makers are reportedly considering replacing the entire cast for the sequel, noting that chickens would be cheaper and easier to work with.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Editor Wishes He’d Shelled Out More Money For Courtroom Artist
Chicago, IL – The Editor –in-Chief for local news blog, Monkey-Breath.com, regrets “cheaping out” on courtroom sketch artist.
“We have a very tight budget,” explained Henry Q. Jackass, Monkey Breath’s EIC. “I thought we could save a little cash on this freelance sketch artist.”
The news source reported needing a liaison in the courtroom for Chicago’s high profile child pornography trial of R&B artist R. Kelly. Allegedly, the Editor knew he had to jump on the opportunity to cover the trial.
“This trial is something that could really put us on the map,” noted Jackass. “I had hoped to get some good sketches and really wow the public.
Alan Parkin was hired at a considerably below average rate because of his lack of experience or portfolio. The artist returned from the trial with sub-par sketches.
“I went to art school,” stated Parkin. “I don’t know what Mr. Jackass is complaining about; I gave him an insightful, emotionally provocative artistic interpretation. It’s really some of my best work.”
Jackass did not agree with Parkin’s assessment.
“These sketches are horrible, but I guess you get what you pay for,” complained the EIC.
“I was making a statement about the victimization of a minor; which is the conflict at the heart of this case,” Parkin said, in his defense. “And, as far as my choice of media, crayons are the only materials I can afford.”
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Kelly, Isley To Perform Duet Testimony
Chicago, IL – As the child pornography trial of Grammy award winning R&B recording artist R. Kelly continues to capture the attention of the news media, the defense has made an announcement which it hopes will spin the proceedings in Kelly’s favor.
According to the announcement, the defense has been preparing Kelly’s testimony for several months now. Kelly has reportedly recorded a musical score to accompany his testimony and arranged his statements as lyrics.
Allegedly, the defense has arranged a temporary release for Grammy award winning artist Ronald Isley, from his current tax evasion sentence, in order to reprise his “Mr. Biggs” role. Kelly’s attorneys have explained that in order to maintain artistic integrity and thoroughly illustrate his (Kelly’s) plea, a duet with Isley is necessary.
Isley and Kelly have had very successful collaborations in the past, and the defense is hoping that a duet testimony will sway the jury in Kelly’s favor as well as help support Isley’s attempt at early parole.
Prosecutors in the Kelly trial has called the effort “pure sensationalism”; proclaiming that the jury will not be swayed by the shameless diversion. Regardless of that assertion, the prosecution has asked the court to deny Kelly the opportunity to sing under oath.
The presiding judge in the trial has decided to allow Kelly and Isley to perform their song, noting that it would be a nice change of pace in an otherwise boring trial.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Bush, Obama, McCain Form Vocal Group
Washington, D.C. – President Bush has teamed up with Senators/Presidential hopefuls Barack Obama and John McCain after discovering that the trio creates an “amazing harmony”.
The Trio, pictured here warming up, intends to practice weekly and hopes to go on tour next year regardless of the outcome of the November election. The members of the group, reportedly, can put their differences aside for the sake of the music.
The only major obstacle they have encountered is a dispute in choosing a name for their group.
“My suggestion is ‘A cappellago,” explained Senator Obama. “It’s a clever play on the words ‘a cappella’ and ‘archipelago’; the former being an unaccompanied vocal style of music, and the later being a chain of islands. I think it works because each of us is independently an island of political views and opinions, and this group brings us together; also, because we sing without instrumental accompaniment.”
“I say we should call the group ‘2012,” suggested Senator McCain. “2012 being the end of my first term as President, the year that Senator Obama will have an opportunity to run against me again, and the last full year of the war in Iraq; the end of President Bush’s legacy.”
“We should call it ‘Baseball’ or something else cool like that,” asserted President Bush. “Maybe, ‘The Best Damn Quartet, Ever!’ would be a good name.”
Both Senator McCain and Senator Obama noted that their group is in fact, not a quartet, in response to the President’s suggestions.
The trio expects to be in the studio recording their first album by December 2008; with a tentative release set for next summer.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Spielberg and Lucas Announce “Indy 5”
Hollywood, CA – Taking a cue from Marvel Entertainment’s ambitious announcement of their film plans for the next three years, George Lucas and Steven Spielberg have announced the next Indiana Jones movie.
On the eve of the Cannes Film Festival world premiere of “Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull” the legendary team announced plans for the fifth chapter in the series, to be released in the summer of 2012. Noting the internet buzz that Marvel received for announcing future plans on the day after the release of “Iron Man”, the pair said that they wanted to capitalize on the anticipation over “Crystal Skull”.
Lucas seemed fidgety and eager as he made the announcement, “The film will be called, ‘Indiana Jones and The Assisted Living Facility…of Doom”, spouted Lucas. “Steven (Spielberg) pointed out that Indy is getting old, as is Harrison. I said, ‘These are real problems that Indy would have to deal with, let’s play that up.”
“I absolutely agree that it would be a shame to let the character die while there’s still plenty of good money, I mean story in him,” chimed in Spielberg.
Critics argue that it is unflattering for an action hero to age on screen; with some suggesting that Ford was even too old to play Jones, with any dignity, in “Crystal Skull”.
Lucas disagrees, suggesting that among the normal conflicts one would find in an assisted living facility, possible antagonists for the archeologist could be extraterrestrials, ghosts, or even “some sort of big-dog monster”.
Despite their excitement, the duo resisted the urge to give away any major plot points; describing only one action sequence.
“One significant and recurring activity for Indy will be anxiously watching the telephone in his room, hoping for someone to call,” revealed Spielberg.
Friday, May 9, 2008
Hip Hop Community Embraces Crude Oil
Los Angeles, CA- Since Hip Hop mogul Jay-Z publicly denounced Cristal champagne over comments made by the managing director of the champagne’s manufacturer; opulent members of the Hip Hop community have been searching for a new status symbol.
New reports suggest that the search is over. The winner: crude oil.
A young rapper named Bougie Khan (aka B-Khan, Bougie K, or the Khanman) has taken the first massive strides in popularizing the raw petroleum slurry. Khan, the self-proclaimed “Emperor of Opulence”, reportedly got the idea from the skyrocketing prices of oil.
“I look around and see that everybody’s got gold and diamonds,” explained Khan. “Anyone can get champagne and gas just wasn’t good enough. Only the richest men in the world have crude oil; it’s only the best for Bougie Khan.”
Khan’s first album, “I’m rich as hell”, featured tracks such as; Yes, oil for blood, Oil on me, Oil on you, and Carcinogen again. Several of the music videos from the album feature images of Khan pouring oil on scantily clad women, dumping large amounts of oil on himself and pouring a bottle of petroleum on the curb for his boys who couldn’t be there.
Many environmentalists have expressed concern that the depictions will encourage irresponsible use and disposal of fossil fuels.
Khan also announced that his chain of nightclubs, called Upper Echelon, will start “barrel service” for all VIPs.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Peter Jackson Secures Right to Ruin All of Your Childhood Favorites
Los Angeles, CA- Oscar winning director, Peter Jackson has reportedly just signed the largest film rights deal in history. The deal resulted in Jackson procuring rights to make film adaptations or remakes of every single one of your childhood favorites.
Best known for his critically acclaimed, live action “Lord of the Rings” trilogy, Jackson has was also the director of the 2005 remake of “King Kong” and several other notable films.
Jackson’s directing style is defined by his ability to make even the most intense action sequences long and boring.
Early predictions suggest that Jackson will immediately start work on the films with the intent of releasing them in annual installments, making each more slow and tedious than the last.
Chuck Archer, the owner of a popular film review website, expressed his conflicted anticipation.
“Just like with Jackson’s other movies, I expect to be impressed with elements like digital effects, camera work and sheer scale of production,” stated Archer. “However, by the time I get to the end of the movie, I’ll be so bored that I don’t care. Not every movie needs to be four hours long.”
Archer continued sarcastically, “I can’t wait to see all nine hours of his live action remake of ‘The Land before Time.”