Thursday, August 14, 2008

13th Annual Melodrama Awards A Cruel Twist of Fate

Los Angeles, CA – The 13th annual Melodrama awards, known as “the Weepies”, took place Wednesday night with their usual unfathomable grandeur. The Hollywood elite walked the red carpet with grace and poise, many of which nearly fainted from the mere sight of the spectacle.

Most of the Weepies were awarded to their respective category favorites; the “Most Fantastic Actor to Ever Exist” went predictably to the 25 year old Charles Faux. His acceptance speech was in reliably breathtaking form.

“I do throw myself to the ground in subservience of the Academy,” said Faux. “My gratitude renders me…humble…and…weak.” Faux feigned weakness at the knees. “But I shant fall, for it is you, ‘O you who would give me this…WEEPY…which hold me up.” Faux was then helped, exhausted, from the stage.

Catherine Devereux won the “What Modesty Must Be Cast Into the Wind to Name This Category” award, as anticipated.

“I cannot express, with all of my dramatic prowess and gifts,” explained Devereux. “How much this award means to me. Nor can I express how much it would have meant for my late husband who was cruelly taken from me at the young and virile age of seventy-five.”

O but alas, the ceremony wasn’t all acceptance speeches and grand, impeccable acting; for each award given there were the tragic souls of the losers left in the wake.

Ricky Vickers, a fan favorite who has been nominated for Weepies eleven times, once again, left empty handed. As Vickers left the ceremony, he was kind enough to comment on his twelfth loss.

“What a cruel thing this business of show,” stated Vickers. “A cold and heartless twist, this is, in an unkind world, to an unkind man. No wait, that makes me sound unkind…give me a second.”

No wonder he didn’t win.

Carthag the Pernicious is a ten thousand year old being of unspeakable horror. He writes the Arts and Culture section of and has a movie review page on