Friday, October 24, 2008

Exclusive Interview with Satan (part 1)

Chicago, IL – Though it is a digression from our usual format, we had a rare opportunity to chat with the Prince of Darkness himself. He agreed to an exclusive interview in exchange for…um, some stuff.

MB: First of all, thank you for being here, I know you must have a busy schedule. We don’t usually have such big celebrities; it’s an honor.

Satan: Oh, no problem. I’m a big fan, and I get those two interns’ souls right?

MB: Yeah, sure, just keep that quiet. My first questions are really about your portrayal by the media and cultural associations that you may not have fully endorsed. Heavy Metal, was that yours, or was the connection erroneous?

Satan: At first it was mine, when everybody hated it. Then it got really big in the eighties and I couldn’t even stand it. It hasn’t really recovered.

MB: Marilyn Manson?

Satan: Who?

MB: George W. Bush?

Satan: Oh, I wish! That guy is so much more absurdly f***ed up than I could possibly have made him. Maybe he made a deal with one of those cool old Sumerian gods or something. You know, like gods with a squid for a face. You wanna see pissed off and wrathful, try waking up with a squid for a face. No, but seriously, I said I wasn’t going to do shtick today. Dubya wasn’t mine.

MB: Harry Potter?

Satan: Whoa, okay, that’s just ridiculous. That series is a shallow attempt at creating a significant literary work by haphazardly amalgamating centuries of British and continental European pseudo-folklore. Definitely not mine.

MB: Witchcraft?

Satan: I was hoping you’d bring that up, those hippy f***s irritate the s*** out of me. For the record, write this down…

MB: We’re recording this.

Satan: Good. For the record, I hate everyone who thinks I would like them. If you’re worshipping me and calling it witchcraft, you’re doing it wrong. If you’re practicing witchcraft the right way, you’re just plain obnoxious.

MB: Okay, being that this is October, there’s a certain holiday this month that some people refer to as “the Devil’s Holiday”. What are your thoughts?

Satan: I wait all year for that day. When the veil is lifted, my minions can walk the Earth and I am at my most powerful. Humans who participate in the festivities are calling out for my triumphant return. It’s absolutely true; Columbus Day is my holiday.

MB: Is there anything that you do that you don’t get credit for?

Satan: (Grins) Baseball. I rig the World Series just about every year. The big guy upstairs favors the Yankees, but I like to mix it up.

MB: “The big guy upstairs”?

Satan: Yeah, Larry. He’s the four hundred pound data entry guy who works on the fifth floor.

MB: Oh, Mr. Grant. He does love the Yankees.

We will be continuing the interview tomorrow, please come back for “Exclusive interview with Satan part 2”.