Saturday, October 25, 2008

Exclusive Interview with Satan Part 2

Chicago, IL – As promised, this is the continuation of our interview with the Devil.

MB: So you’re a sports fan?

Satan: Not really, I just like mixing things up. Well, I used to play this game that involved turning invisible and slapping toddlers, but I got cut from the team.

MB: I bet that was hard.

Satan: No, not at all, when you’re invisible you can just walk up and whack the s*** out of them.

MB: I meant the being cut thing…never mind. I’m sure your fans are dying to find out, no pun intended. Who is Satan?

Satan: Santa? I think you typed Santa.

MB: I’m not typing at all.

Satan: When you do type this, just be sure to check for typos, because you’re going to type Santa, then you’ll have to go back and fix it.

MB: Thanks, I’ll be careful.

Satan: So you want a personal answer? From the heart?

MB: Be as candid as you want.

Satan: Wow, no one has ever asked that before. I would say the best way to describe me is, “angry loner” or maybe I’d just say that I’m a regular guy who has been hurt. Sometimes I just sit in my favorite chair, drink red wine and cry about all of the mistakes I’ve made.

MB: Really?

Satan: No, you f***ing tool! Dude, my life is awesome. I’m near omnipotent, I’m immortal, I can change shape, fly, travel through time, and I’ve got a Camero, one of the cool ones from the sixties. One time, just for fun, I ate ice cream forty-seven thousand times in one day.

MB: That does sound pretty cool. I don’t really understand what you meant about the ice cream, but still, it’s cool.

Satan: Forty

MB: So—

Satan: Seven

MB: (long pause) So you’re—

Satan: Thousand times.

MB: Got it. So you’re happy with who you are.

Santa: In one day. See I told you.

MB: Told me what?

Satan: You typed Santa. All of your readers are going, “Whoa, what happened? Wait a second, did Santa just show up? This interview is f***ed up!” That’s what they’re saying.

MB: I’ll fix that. May I proceed with the interview?

Satan: Sure, who’s stopping you? Fancy pants.

MB: You are.

Satan: Are you calling me fancy pants?

MB: May I please move on?

Satan: Go ahead.

MB: It’s election season in the U.S. Have you taken a stance on either of the presidential candidates?

Satan: Whoa-ho-ho! That’s it, that’s the million dollar question isn’t it? I try not to get involved in politics, but McCain, oh man. If you painted him red, and put some horns on him, he’d look just like one of my minions, Bill. Bill’s all short and wrinkly (incoherent talking through laughter). We tease him about it all of the time. No, but seriously, Bill’s a good guy.

MB: Now, I’m just going to run down a list of some personal stuff. We actually got this list from write-ins to the website. You know, stuff the fans want to know.

Satan: Shoot.

MB: Favorite book?

Satan: Tie. Either “Atlas Shrugged” or “Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep”?

MB: Favorite Album?

Satan: Suicidal Tendencies “Still Cyco After All These Years”

MB: Favorite Website?

Satan:! No I’m kidding I don’t read your page ever. You guys suck bad. There’s this page,, where some jerk makes me look like an idiot.

MB: Yeah, we know a guy like that. Favorite cereal?

Satan: KIX.

MB: Alright, thanks for your time. I know you’ve got to get going. In the future, I hope we can get you to come back for more of this kind of thing.

Satan: Man, it’ll really cost you guys. This was one of the worst afternoons I’ve ever had.