Saturday, August 2, 2008

Dyslexic Zombies Terrorize “Brians”

Evans City, PA – As if the prospect of the dead rising from the grave to walk among, and devour, the living isn’t unsettling enough; experts are reporting sightings of a new variety of walking dead.

“It seems that we’re getting a surge of zombies showing symptoms of the learning disability dyslexia,” explained Dr. Jeff Park, an expert on the creatures. “We have gotten so used to the standard ‘brain’ craving zombies, as well as their variant brethren which search for grains. These new ones really caught us off guard.”

According to reports, these new dyslexic zombies, or “bomzies” as they are jokingly called, have no interest in brains. Bomzies are only interested in one thing, Brians.

“Well, it’s obvious what’s going on,” continued Dr. Park. “This is the simple transposition of letters common in dyslexia.”

Predictably, people named Brian are not entirely comfortable with the news. Many have been going by aliases to avoid being noticed. Local authorities have reported some success, but suggest that Brianism is something intrinsic; relying on the fact that some Brians were attacked despite using a pseudonym.

Brian Newman is a twenty-seven year old local man who refuses to give up his name.

“I was born a Brian and I’ll die a Brian,” stated Newman. “It’s really not fair though. Why did it have to be Brian? Couldn’t it have been Niarb? Or why don’t they go after people named Rinab? Yeah, I know a guy named Rinab.”

Experts say the wave after wave of zombie threats coming from Pennsylvania will get worse before it gets better.