Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Holy S**t! They Can Fly!

Beijing, China – China astounded viewers around the world with a spectacular opening ceremony for the 2008 Olympic games. As the world watched the ceremony, either in person or from the international broadcast, millions were impressed by the grandeur of the festivities.

In the final moments of the ceremony, before the games were declared open, Chinese gymnast Li Ning was handed the Olympic torch and charged with the prestigious task of lighting the cauldron.

To the surprise of the audience, Ning left the ground with the torch in hand and jogged a lap around the top of the stadium, referred to as the “Bird’s nest”; revealing to the world the ability to fly.

World leaders, coaches, and non-Chinese athletes, leaped to their feet, accusing Ning of witchcraft. The rules governing the Olympic games expressly forbid the use of “any powers which would be considered ‘super-human’, to include any special abilities derived from the use of magic, mutated genes, or imbued by proximity to a yellow sun.”

“It would be unfair to allow the Chinese to compete beside the athletes of other, non-flying nations,” stated President of the International Committee, Jacques Rogge. “Who knows what other powers these enigmatic people have concealed from us?”

The Chinese government and the Chinese Olympic Committee insist that it was a feat achieved through strictly non-magical means.

“I was hanging from cables,” frantically exclaimed Ning, through an interpreter. “I have no capability to fly; the idea is ridiculous!”

Despite objections from China and Ning, the International Olympic Committee has decided to retract all medals earned by the devils and have Ning burned at the stake, “just to be sure”. Rogge has assured the People’s Republic of China that if Ning is a witch he will be impervious to the fire and rescued by Satan. If he is not a witch, he will burn as an innocent man and will proceed to heaven to be with god.

According to reports, U.S. President Bush immediately fled the scene of the alleged sorcery and is currently safe in the “magic-proof” Air Force One.

Reportedly, the games will continue as planned, but China has been warned against any further “funny business” including, but not limited to; flying, turning athletes into toads, or using alien x-ray vision.