Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Shortsighted Philanthropist Undergoes Controversial Heart of Gold Transplant

San Diego, CA – Norman Berkeley is 52 years old and prides himself on his charitable efforts. He has been referred to by the media as “the millionaire with the heart of gold”.

Thanks to a controversial surgical procedure, Berkeley’s nickname will be more accurate than ever. Today, Berkeley is undergoing a literal, heart of gold transplant. He has opted to continue his philanthropy by giving his working heart to a twelve-year-old girl who has been on the donor list for three years.

“I felt that it was the least I could do,” said Berkeley. “And I believe that my new heart will enable me to continue my good works.”

Peter O’Malley is Berkeley’s doctor.

“I keep telling him that this is a terrible idea,” stated O’Malley. “The replacement heart is made of gold, actual gold. I can’t imagine that it will function properly. A chunk of metal can’t conceivably pump blood and flex like the heart; it’s a powerful muscle.”

The golden heart was created by a noted quack at the University of Southern California, Dr. Bob Knowles.

“From everything that I’ve been told,” explained Dr. Bob. “Norman already lives as if his heart is made of gold. So it really shouldn’t be a problem. Just plop that thing in there and let his goodness get it going. My design is actually powered by generosity and good will; not some primitive system of electrical impulses.”
If the procedure is successful, it will be the first of its’ kind. Berkeley has stated that if his new heart works, he intends to proceed with golden liver implants.