Saturday, August 23, 2008

Scientists Baffled By Bigfoot Remains

Palo Alto, CA – Matt Whitton, a police officer, and Rick Dyer, a former corrections officer, announced in a press conference last week that they had found the remains of the elusive “Bigfoot”. Calling themselves, “the best bigfoot trackers in the world”, the pair released a video on YouTube, launched a website, and held a press conference to publicize the find.

Bigfoot, or Sasquatch, is a legendary North American ape-like creature, which has eluded capture for centuries. The animal is so reclusive that no one has been able to produce evidence of any kind of its’ existence; until now.

The pair allegedly found the remains frozen on a mountainside in the northern portion of the state of Georgia. Proving their confidence in the beast’s authenticity, they submitted the carcass to researchers for testing. When the ice thawed, what was revealed was quite surprising to scientists.

“The hair which covers the body seems to be synthetic,” explained Roger Steadman, lead biologist for the investigation team. “It appears to made of nylon or some other inorganic material. That revelation is astounding for obvious reasons. It shows that not only does Bigfoot exist, but also it has the means to mass-produce synthetic, hair-like material. This really changes the way we think of the Sasquatch. The hair, amazingly, is not the most impressive find; the flesh appears to be made of some sort of rubber, possibly latex.”

Steadman went on to explain that the corpse was not supported by an endoskeleton as expected; it was hollow.

Hal Cristanich is an anthropologist who specializes in higher primates; he has worked closely with the team of researchers trying to unravel the mystery.

“When Roger (Steadman) called me and told me what he had found, I was floored,” said Cristanich. “At first we thought that the hollow rubber remains suggested that Bigfoot periodically shed his skin. That would imply that, amazingly, the creature’s body produces rubber and nylon, as a biological function. I find that hard to believe. It seems much more likely that Bigfoot wears this type of suit as a disguise. Perhaps to avoid detection by humans, maybe even to attract a mate. It’s really impossible to tell without observing the animal.”
Critics of these theories question why the animal would wear a suit that resembles itself so closely and where the creature would get such a suit. Cristanich deflects these wild inquiries.

“Maybe, this isn’t what Bigfoot looks like at all,” speculated Cristanich. “Maybe, every time a human has seen one, it was wearing a suit like this one. And as far as where Bigfoot would get the suit, I think the answer is obvious.”

The find has re-ignited the national fascination with Bigfoot. Experts expect this to be the first of many eye-opening discoveries in the near future.

Viktor Mímisbrunnr is a writer for He handles the supernatural, occult, and anything which cannot otherwise be explained. Viktor has a Master's Degree in something, I forget what.


David Gerard said...

I don't see how anyone could ever doubt those guys' sincerity.