Thursday, August 21, 2008

Government Employee Hasn’t Worked, Ever

Springfield, IL – A recent investigation by a local news reporter who doesn’t know when to keep her mouth shut, brought up some serious issues within the Illinois State Government. What has been called, “a blatant and unnecessary waste of tax payer money” was exposed.

George Laraway is a 30-year-old worker employed by the state government. Laraway admits being part of the problem.

“I got this job when I was twenty,” explained Laraway. “That’s really young to be working here. When I started I had a very strong work ethic, but they crushed that right away. I’ve been sitting on my ass for almost a decade.”

According to reports, Laraway is hardly alone. It seems that the local, county, and state governments are plagued by this kind of inefficiency and wasted money.

“I don’t even remember what I’m supposed to be doing here,” continued Laraway. “Maybe I’m supposed to be doing some kind of data entry…or I.T.? I really don’t know. I just come to work every day, play some games, read some stuff, and wait for my annual five percent raise, it’s cake.”

Reports suggest that Laraway’s job isn’t as easy as he says. Co-workers state that everybody, including Laraway, can find reasons to complain.

“There’s so much petty sh** around here, people just don’t wanna do their jobs,” noted an anonymous colleague of Laraway. “But nobody really has a job here!”

Laraway estimates that he hasn’t worked in ten years; an interesting point as he has worked at his current job for ten years. Despite having never done what he was hired to do, Laraway has gotten consistently high evaluations and two promotions since he was hired.
Among his notable accomplishments during paid work hours, Laraway has beaten several dozen PC games and earned a correspondence BA in marketing. He has also maintained an impressive desktop topiary collection.