Thursday, July 17, 2008

President Doesn’t Have Magic Wand

Washington, D.C. – President Bush shocked Americans on Wednesday by announcing that he does not, in fact, have a magic wand.

“If I had a magic wand,” President Bush said in the White House rose garden. “The president doesn’t have a magic wand…”

The press, the president’s cabinet, and the American people responded with a resounding, “What?!” According to reports, until this point, there had been an overwhelming belief that the president did have a magic wand.

“This revelation,” explained Duke Markington, a leading political analyst. “This, appalling revelation, has changed the way we Americans view the president. It is going to have a huge impact on how other countries view the United States of America.”

Allegedly, countries around the world are planning military action against the U.S. Analysts say that without the fear of the “executive magic wand” belligerent nations have little apprehension about confronting the U.S.

Riots have broken out in all of America’s major cities. Local authorities have come to the consensus that citizens’ view of reality has come into question.

Jesse Norton, a 32-year-old man arrested for looting, gave a frantic statement on the issue.

“ If the president doesn’t have a magic wand,” said Norton. “How do we know what’s right? Maybe god doesn’t exist. Up is down, short is tall, cats and dogs love each other! I’m scared, banana topiaries, mucus badger book jackets.”

Reports suggest that deluded ramblings are a common symptom of the disillusionment felt by so many Americans.

The U.N. has issued a public statement.

“We trusted the United States on so many political, military, and economic issues,” stated the report. “Now, we have nothing to solidify that trust. The nations of the world have been led to believe that the American president had a pre-eminent authority that he obviously does not. International policy is in desperate need of a dramatic overhaul.”

Only time will tell if the president’s lack of a magic wand will affect his position as leader of the U.S. Already, a slough of sorcerers have submitted their bid for the position of American political authority.