Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Republicans Solve Oil Shortage

“Bury More Dinosaurs”

Washington, D.C. – With oil prices at record highs and rising every day, Americans have been in very real danger of having to reduce individual oil dependency. Thanks to the G.O.P., the looming threat of “peak oil” has been subdued.

“We realized that ‘fossil fuels’ come from dead dinosaurs and stuff,” explained one Republican scientist. “Once we figured that out, the answer was simple; bury more dinosaurs.”

The innovative plan suggests creating large underground deposits of dinosaur, much like landfills, which will eventually become fossil fuels.

“What we’ve done here is created a plan to make a so-called ‘non-renewable’ resource entirely renewable,” noted the G.O.P. scientist. “Let’s see those liberal tree-huggers find fault with this one.”

Critics have focused much of their attention on the fact that dinosaurs are notably less plentiful than they were sixty-five million years ago.

Noted proponent, Vice President Dick Cheney, responded publicly to criticism.

“You know, those Democrats will pick on any little flaw in a plan just to make themselves look better. We’re not stupid, we know dinosaurs aren’t just walking around the streets.” Cheney continued, “That’s why the we have allocated a twelve billion dollar budget to hire an elite dinosaur hunting task force to round up the last of them. The contract is in the very capable hands of Halliburton and Diebold.”

Other proposed solutions to the dinosaur (and oil by proxy) shortage have been suggested. The most promising of which is the forced removal of all exhumed dinosaur remains from museums with the intent of returning them to “the Earth from whence they came”.

The scientific community has expressed outrage over the very suggestion that already fossilized remains could somehow become a viable source of oil.

“I don’t know what those eggheads are crying about,” noted Vice President Cheney. “Their precious magic-dino-dragon-saurus isn’t even in the Bible. It’s all gobbledy-gook imaginary non-sense.”

Regardless of the debate involved, experts from all sides agree that this new plan of action means one big thing for American citizens; no need to reduce oil dependency, there’s plenty more where that came from.