Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Fed Chairman Indicted on Sherman Antitrust Violation Charges

Washington, D.C. – Just two months after taking office as the Chairman of the Federal Reserve Board, Rich Uncle Pennybags has been charged with violating the United States’ oldest antitrust law.

Since the announcement of Pennybag’s succession of Bernanke, on March 25 2008, partisan politics have threatened to be his undoing. The Chairman addressed a crowd after taking office, only to be met with shouts of derision. Shouts accused him of being decadent and labeled him as a “fat cat”. These criticisms continued, despite Pennybag’s personal investments in American economic interests.

On Tuesday morning, as business in the Nation’s capitol opened for the day, critics saw the first step toward, what they consider justice. Federal agents arrested Pennybags on charges of conspiracy to form a trust and conspiracy to monopolize.

The Chairman allegedly purchased controlling portions of all four railroads and was gradually acquiring interests in the utilities as well.

“I have been accused of crimes of which I was only recently made aware,” explained Pennybags in his last public address as Chairman. “I thought ownership of property was part of what it meant to be American. How else am I expected to bankrupt my opponents?”

Critics claim that the measure isn’t enough, saying that his wealth and power offer him a proverbial “get out of jail free” card. Pennybags has argued that the “Go directly to jail” mentality denies him the constitutional right to due process.

Sources suggest that Pennybags has already liquidated a fair portion of his assets, making his net worth difficult to assess. Among various hotel interests, the Chairman has reportedly sold off his pewter car, a massive pewter top hat, and his beloved Scottish terrier; also made of pewter.