Monday, May 26, 2008

Statistician Determines 82% Probability He Picked Worst Job Ever

Milwaukee, WI – Marty DuPage, a 27 year old statistician has come to a startling conclusion about himself.

“Statistically speaking,” began a shaken DuPage. “There is a high probability that I have chosen the worst job, ever.”

DuPage arrived at the conclusion through a long analysis of many factors; having spent more than three years on the problem.

“I began to suspect something wasn’t right when I noticed that my aggregate data showed me hating life ninety-six percent of the time with a two percent margin of error,” explained DuPage. “Additionally, my boredom at work had a positive curve so sharp that it nearly doubled every month.”

The American Society for Statistics reports 75% of professional statisticians report having an average unhappiness rate exceeding 60%; suggesting that DuPage is, at least statistically, not alone.

“Of course, there were many factors involved in my analysis,” noted DuPage. “In addition to my increasing unhappiness, empirical data suggests that there is an inverse relationship between my relationships with women and discussion of statistics; I would go so far as to say the relationship is causative.”

The statistician expressed an utter disappointment with life, stating that previous ambitions included professional musician and veterinarian.

DuPage solemnly explained that it was, ironically, statistics that made him see his loathing of statistics.

“I thought I was doing alright until the data showed me different. Statistics don’t lie, not with all of their easily manipulated marginal accuracy.”