Saturday, May 10, 2008

Zombies to Blame for Shortage of “Graains!”

Washington, D.C. – Initially dismissed as a minor nuisance, the ongoing Zombie phenomenon has finally caught the attention of the United States government.

Amid rising concerns about elevated grain prices and imposed limitations on quantities purchased; the U.S. Department of Agriculture has officially acknowledged the grain shortage.

“It has come to our attention that we (the U.S.D.A.) were presented with a pertinent concern; about which we took no action,” U.S.D.A. Secretary, Ed Schafer, told reporters early this morning. “A number of legitimate news sources such as and The New York Times reported that an outbreak of the walking dead posed a serious threat to our grain crops. After having gained more information, we are ready to address the issue head-on.”

Secretary Schafer continued, explaining that the U.S.D.A. believes that the current world-wide grain shortage is a direct result of the un-checked zombie problem.

When initially reported the zombie threat on April 30, 2008, the issue was largely ignored by local, state and federal authorities. Despite the apparent lack of interest by the government, several individuals reported very real concerns.

Klaus Vunderbraten was the owner of a Pittsburgh area bakery at the time. His bakery has since gone out of business; forcing the impoverished baker into unemployment.

“Mine bread, mine cakes, all gone,” explained a downtrodden Vunderbraten. “They even ate mine flour. There was nothing I could do.”

The grain shortage has affected grain markets around the world with no clear end in sight. Other factors which may be to blame for the continued shortage are global climate changes and military conflict in dense growing regions. However, the consensus among analysts is that the zombie plague has been the single most influential factor.