Friday, September 5, 2008

Area Man Wheezes Way To Self-Righteousness

Chicago, ILIt seems that as gas prices go up, more and more people are taking to the streets on bicycles for their daily commutes.

 The most common reason cited for this transition is increased fuel costs, but a few dollars saved is far from the only reason to cycle to work.

 Chris Wirth, a local man, just began cycling to work today.

 “First there’s gas prices,” wheezed Wirth. “I don’t have to pay to park it, it’s good for the environment, and there’s the health benefits.”

 Wirth seemed pale and excessively sweaty. He insisted on pacing and shaking his hands; presumably, some sort of post-commute ritual.

 “I see all of these people…wow,” Wirth said. “Sorry…little out of breath. I see these people who live right here in the neighborhood and refuse to ride to work. Instead they want to drive their SUVs…whoa s**t. They drive big cars and burn gas, and have all these carbon emissions. I’m not saying I’m better than they are, I’m just saying they could try to be a bit more responsible.”

 Experts believe that this type of self-righteous attitude could be contributing to anti-cyclist, anti-hipster sentiment in large metropolitan areas across the country.

 “I don’t look down on ‘drivers’, that’s what we call them, you know car people,” explained Wirth. “Some people just don’t care. Not everybody can be a cyclist; we’re a special breed. (cough)”

 Wirth chooses to ignore the fact that an overwhelming majority of “cyclists” nationwide are children; weak, ethics-free, children.

 “It’s just a cyclist thing,” Wirth choked out. “I don’t expect people to get it.”

 According to reports, Wirth lives approximately one mile away from his job. His expensive helmet, spandex suit, and assortment of lamps and reflectors do not show the fact that he hasn’t been on a bicycle in seven years.