Saturday, September 6, 2008

McCain Blames Problems On Frost Giants

Warns U.S. of impending battle

Cedarburg, WI – Within a day of publicly accepting the presidential nomination from the Republican Party, Senator John McCain was on the road to begin his aggressive campaign.
At a public meet and greet yesterday; McCain had strong words for enemies of the United States.
“It is my opinion,” said McCain. “Based on very reliable intelligence, that our budget problems, issues with the housing market, and delayed resolution of the war in Iraq, can be directly connected to the most urgent threat of frost giants. These beings, called Jotunn, have been a powerful force against the prosperity and will of our kind for a very long time.”
The candidate went on to illustrate the many instances in which, he believes, the frost giants have committed infractions of peace and impositions on our way of life. McCain cited countless weather anomalies, including the tragic Hurricane Katrina, and acts of aggression against the U.S., such as the attacks of Sept. 11th and Pearl Harbor, as evidence of their god-like power.
“Make no mistakes, my fellow Americans,” said McCain as his tone rose to a fever pitch. “There is not a war on the horizon. We are at war already! Let this be a message to our colossal, insatiable, enemies the battle will be ours’! The coming storm will be called Ragnarok, and my opponent, Senator Obama, has no experience in war. He will not be prepared to lead you into battle. I alone have the experience and cosmic authority to lead our people to ultimate victory over the powers that threaten Midgard.”
Senator McCain urged Americans to take up the cause at home, suggesting that citizens kill anyone who appears to be a giant. He explained that anyone exceeding five foot nine inches could be a giant in disguise and should be dispatched “swiftly and without mercy”.

Viktor Mímisbrunnr is a writer for He handles the supernatural, occult, and anything which cannot otherwise be explained. Viktor has a Master's Degree in something, I forget what.