Saturday, September 27, 2008

You Will Never Have Peace Again

A Letter from Mittens Billingham

Dear Whatshername,

I haven’t forgotten your name; I decided long ago never to learn it. I was only a kitten, eight weeks old, when you “rescued” me from the animal shelter. You have spent the past seven years nurturing me, feeding me, providing me with water and, periodically, new furniture on which to sharpen my claws. Despite all of these things, I still hate you.

This letter is a proclamation, in no uncertain terms, that I will make it my life’s work to prevent you from being happy. The following is a list of things that I will do in order to achieve this goal. Please, keep in mind, this list is in no way exhaustive and I reserve the right (I checked with my attorney) to add to, amend, or invalidate this list at any time.

1. I will claw the legs of any dates you bring home, forcing you to choose between me and him.*
2. In the event that you entertain guests with cat allergies, I will make close personal friends with the face of said guest.
3. I will rub my face on, purr into, and aggressively bat at the telephone whenever you are using it.
4. If for any reason, your face is wet (sweating, shower, etc.) I will diligently pursue the cause of covering it with endless amounts of fur.
5. I will sleep on every new article of clothing you bring into the house. If you hang it in the closet, I will find it, pull it down, and urinate on it for the trouble you have caused me.
6. I will topple your trash can and scatter the contents about the kitchen floor, even though I have no interest in anything in the trash can.
7. If you so much as glance at me while I’m using the litter box, I will know. This will be considered an act of war and will be countered with the stealthy defecation anywhere I can hide my excrement from your prying eyes.
8. I will infiltrate, destroy, and subsequently nap in any box, or other hollow container I find.
9. I will insincerely, yet irrepressibly beg for a scrap of everything you eat. Once you give me some, I will snub it. All for the sake of wasting your food and time.
10. I will roll in my own filth until my stench is unbearable, then I will attempt to end your life if you so much as think about bathing me.
11. I will utilize every moment of “petting” to slowly consume your life force through osmosis.

In short, I will make your life miserable. And if you try to get rid of me, I will act cute and loving to remind you of the lovable kitten I was. What a horrible person you would be to get rid of a cat who wuvs his mommy so.

Thank you for your time;

Mittens Billingham

*Remember, if you are mean to your pet, he won’t respect you.