Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Carrier Pigeon Strike Finally Ends

Postal Service Disbands

Washington, D.C.- After nearly two hundred and thirty five years of labor disputes and contract negotiations, the nation’s Carrier pigeons are going back to work.

The new contract gives the pigeons a better health plan, longer vacations and over two centuries of retro-active pay raises. When the strike began in 1775, the Executive branch of the Federal government established the United States Postal Service as a temporary solution. Labor disputes with the pigeons lasted much longer than anticipated, causing the Postal Service to take a more permanent foothold.

The president of the Pigeon union issued this public statement;

“It pleases me greatly to be able to finally return to work. It’s been a long and hard battle, but the decision reached has been fair and equitable to both sides. We’ve wanted to resolve this as much as the government has.”

What this means for the Postal Service is an immediate end to all business, putting hundreds of thousands of employees out of work.

The Postmaster General, head of the Postal Service, commented on the situation, stating that all postal employees were aware of the temporary nature of their employment; explaining that they had all been informed that the existence of the Postal Service was entirely contingent on continued labor difficulties with the carrier pigeons.

Traditionally, carrier pigeons have been faster and more accurate than the average letter carrier. To further emphasize this superior capability the pigeons will be replacing the Post Office’s unofficial motto, "Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds" with “We can fly, bitches!”